Ungrateful wretches, AKA adult children

Bariatric & Weight Loss Surgery Forum

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You are doing a really great thing for your children and step children. I can totally understand about the VA. I have worked with a non profit in oregon and now here in Ohio that helps homeless veterans and the VA red tape and waiting times are a pain. In the last several years it is more the norm when asking for a DD214 that is is the long form, most places now require the veteran to show that for services. Even Veterans in the worst shape have it. We dealt with some of the most disabled and mentally ill of homeless veterans and that was never an issue. My question is what is his veterans rep from the VA doing to help him and his family and why did they not help him navigate the paperwork needed? Plus I do think some things are weird about what they are asking. If they only help with the deposit and first months rent, they why would they need to do a yearly inspection, when they are not providing anymore funding after the initial move in costs? Also if they have put veterans in housing, why have they not suggested any of the complexes to them since they know that they are willing to accept their program?

They also might be referring to them having income, not because of Student Loans, as that is not usually counted as income, but I believe while receiving the GI Bill, most veterans get school paid for completely, some help with books and usually a monthly living allowance (that can be based on how many depends they have, so 3 in their case), he wont pay taxes on that monthly allowance, but it would be monthly guaranteed money for as long as he was in school and passing his classes. Also he is still eligible for student loans, which if he has not taken any out, might help them out greatly right now to find a place and get through his last year of school.

I hope they find a place and you eventually get your house back.
 
UPDATE (so as not to step on Bagaof4's post):

My son is still living in the basement after his girlfriend kicked him out, but she is still stringing him along with the promise of getting back together if he does what he is supposed to do - like get a second job or a real job. She plays him, he plays her - it is an unhealthy relationship, but they are adults. But my son is supposed to be helping my husband around the house, as partial payment for his room and board (we are charging him $300 rent, which he's been told will be refunded when he moves out to the extent that he does what he is supposed to be doing), and he often is over at HER apartment because she said she wants him there for some reason or another - and then he blows my husband off. And his attitude towards me is often surly and rude, especially when I ask him about things he is supposed to be doing that he clearly is NOT doing (making doctor's appointments, for example, for his various ailments). He only does it when my husband isn't around, because he KNOWS it would upset him - so I've got the recourse of telling my husband what's happening if it really bothered me. For now, I'm dealing with it myself, because I don't want to have to turn it into a "situation." But my son just got a second part-time job, with potential, so maybe things are looking up! It is with Whole Paycheck, so maybe I'll get some fancy treats with his discount?

My daughter's last day of work is tomorrow. She's been stressed to the max about it - she had only one job interview in December, for a job she really wanted, but they went with another candidate with more experience (she's trying to change careers). And she's been as absent from the house as much as possible too - hanging out with either her boyfriend (nice guy, like him - but he eats like a HORSE, especially when he's eating OUR food) or with girlfriends at the bar where her brother works.

She was let go after 9 years, due in large part to a co-worker who has been sabotaging her for years - their previous supervisors have known what the bitch was doing, and kept it "under control" but he left a few months ago, and the replacement believed the bitch. My daughter was further hampered by her frequent absences due to her stage 4 endometriosis and treatments for it, lack of support from HR for accommodations, and also has pretty much gotten to the point of hating this job. Once she leaves (though I might suggest she waits until after she gets a new job), we are going to file a Fair Employment claim against her employer - HIPAA violations, refusal to offer reasonable accommodations and a hostile work environment. Her former supervisor left a detailed and damning email to himself for her to find when he left her access to his inbox - I had urged her to copy any and all documentation she could find, and she found it. It specifically documents the hostile nature of the co-worker and his half-assed attempts to mediate them - and he specifically noted that the co-worker had lied about my daughter to him and to others in the department, and that he tried to get them to "work it out" themselves, but it always returned to an ABUSIVE situation (abusive was HIS word). I think she has a case for damages.

We will have a discussion about some further requirements on her when she gets finished with dealing with her last day at work tomorrow. She is going to have to take on some additional responsibilities while she is unemployed, and show evidence of job hunting (I'm sure that won't be an issue). But she needs some medical treatments right away, which make her feel awful, so she may just take a little time off to do that first - we can get her signed up for CoveredCA as soon as she signs up for unemployment.

My stepdaughter and her husband moved 50 miles away in October, taking a one year lease on an apartment in a cheaper area. Then they decided to divorce - he has been staying down here finishing the semester at his dad's house, and leaving her isolated with a 2.5 year old. For the last 10 days, they were all together in VA, visiting her mother and stepfather, and sister and her creep of a husband and their 3.6 year old (they are still doing poorly, but we want nothing to do with their situation - let her mother and his parents deal with them). This was a preplanned and paid for trip that they HAD to go on. And fortunately, instead of being worse stress on their disintegrating marriage, it seems to have brought them back together (maybe seeing other family members whose marriages are even MORE dysfunctional?), and they have decided to keep trying to fix their marriage. So I'm hoping that there is a halfway decent chance that the worst of my fears - that she will move back in here with her toddler, permanently - will not happen. I love them both, but I don't want to live with either of them. Son-in-law is in his last semester of college - he will have an engineering degree in the spring - so maybe, just maybe, if he can get SOME sort of reasonable job and support them, and she can finish a web design online course she's taking, they can finally support themselves and act like adults and parents.

Or, we can just move. My husband and I have been discussing where we might want to move so we can afford to live off of our savings. I have two friends who moved from California to Santa Fe NM, and really like it there. We may try to find a home with a casita, just in case we need to support a kid or my dad. Although I'm not planning to go anytime soon, it's an interesting thought - we CAN run away from home, and we're entitled to do so.
 
@DianaCox Aren't you worried they will follow? I really feel for you! I am truly hoping that the son that is living with us will eventually either meet someone that is not bat **** crazy (that seem to be the ones he attracts) and can find a way to make enough money to be on his own. He is the son that is 6'3 that was weighing 470 pounds but has now lost about 80 just controlling the amounts he eats. I will say he was oh so helpful after my 2010 surgery and took very good care of me. That was during the time someone needed to follow me with a rug shampoo machine to clean up the diarrhea so yeah I love him to pieces!
 
All I can say is bless your heart, Diana - there's so much kindness in you! You are always looking after others. I hope you also are remembering to do something kind for yourself every day. :)
 
I make them pay, in subtle ways :) And I'm training them to be MY caretakers, just in case.

If they follow me, and I have a family compound with casita(s), that would be OK. I just don't want them IN my house. Close by, yes - but not IN.
 
I love the idea of Santa Fe - you will invite us all to visit, right? I have always wanted to go there and twice have actually started planning a trip that never happened.

Santa Fe sounds magical, frankly.

And his attitude towards me is often surly and rude
this is unacceptable, IMO. easy for me to have an opinion since I never had kids but it seems to me this needs to change whatever that would take.

everybody needs to treat their parents with respect!! :angry smile:
 
Ah, four months later - let's see what's changed:

1) My daughter is into her 5th month of unemployment. She has had three interviews in all this time - one of them today. No job yet. And her unemployment money is not enough to pay her car payment, car insurance, medical insurance and "lifestyle" - we have had to let her slide somewhat on the rent. But I'm making her clean the house - we let our biweekly housekeeper go (that, and I found out to my utter shock how much my husband was paying them - it was ridiculous!). I'm being unrelenting in telling her that she is going to have to consider taking a job in the field in which she is trained, which pays considerably more money than the entry level jobs she is unqualified for in a different field, and (1) she might not hate it so much if she wasn't working in a hostile work environment; and (2) she can STILL continue looking for another lower paying job that she might like more AFTER she is employed at a job she doesn't want. She keeps blowing me off. But she will NOT be living here without a car or insurance, so she'd better get her ass in gear.

2) My son has now been working both his 15-18 hr/week job as a KJ, AND his 30 hour a week job at Whole Paycheck - and he brings me smoked sable! He has never worked more than part time before this. He's hardly ever here, doesn't do much around the house, and I wish his girlfriend would decide to move so he could move back in with her (long story, but she is not supposed to have anyone else in her apartment, which is rent controlled, and they finally changed to an electronic key system where she could only have one key, and that was one of the triggers for her to kick him out back in September). I'm hoping he'll be out before the end of the summer.

3) My stepdaughter: Remember what I said four months ago? "So I'm hoping that there is a halfway decent chance that the worst of my fears - that she will move back in here with her toddler, permanently - will not happen. I love them both, but I don't want to live with either of them."

Well, guess what - she and her husband separated pretty much for good, and now she and the toddler are moving back in. She has been spending a lot of time at our house anyway, because the kid is in preschool at SJSU where her STBX is finishing his last semester. They had a lease through October 50 miles away in Concord, but the drive (which mostly SHE was having to make) and the isolation was getting to her - so I told her various ways she might be able to get out of the lease, and she just told us tonight that the landlord had approved the assignment of the lease to someone else that she found by posting it on Craigslist (assignment is better than sublet, because they are relieved of the responsibility of paying the last four months of the lease).

So the deal is, my son is going to move up to the guest bedroom, and stepdaughter and kid will move down to the basement. That means son will have to clean up the hell-hole down there, and I DON'T CARE - it's not my problem - they will have to work it out.

And best of all, Charles and I have a trip coming up to the east coast (CT, NYC and NoVA) - we leave the night of May 27th, and won't be back until June 9th. They can manage the move without us, and I am TOTALLY good with that.

My stepdaughter and my daughter will both be doing the housecleaning, my son has to deal with the trash and cat litter, and miscellaneous jobs that require muscle and no brains.

4) Dad emailed and called today - he's freaking out about his memory loss and wants to talk. Ruh-roh. My son may have to leave sooner rather than later if he decides he needs to move in with us.

Full time RVing is looking more and more tempting.
 
Dad emailed and called today - he's freaking out about his memory loss and wants to talk. Ruh-roh. My son may have to leave sooner rather than later if he decides he needs to move in with us.

Full time RVing is looking more and more tempting.

Sorry about your dad...looks like the rest is sort of falling into place and yes, I can see a need for full timing RV!
 
My daughter has been very ambivalent about doing the next step, which is to get another egg retrieval done, and then start on another round of six months of Lupron (which is a very strong hormone that makes her an emotional mess), and THEN possibly have another round of surgery to remove more endometriosis plaques and to do further work on her malformed uterus. Her current insurance plan through Covered CA doesn't cover oocyte retrieval and cryopreservation, but there is a route of appeal with this plan to the DMHC - I think we can win this case, because her need for oocyte R&C is medical, not so she can delay motherhood for career reasons. But she dawdled for months in getting her doctor to submit the request for preauthorization to get the needed denial so we can start the appeal. Apparently, the denial was issued last week, but she still hasn't received it. I need to pester her again.

Everyone would be FAR better off if they would just stop fighting me and do things MY way.
 
Wow. Sorry Diana. That's just very frustrating!

Personal disclosure - I'm an adult child living at home. I work on the rigs (home for 1 week out of 5) and take care of their house (when I'm off work) when they are in Palm Springs over the winter months. All my stuff is in storage, though.

It doesn't take much to say please and thank you and help around the house. I may sleep a lot when I'm home, but I offer to massages my parents when I'm home (used to work as an RMT), give them pedicures, fix their computer, etc.

I couldn't imagine not doing that. I've offered to move, but they like having me around (their other child, my brother passed away 6 years ago).

I would kick their arses personally. Living with you is not a right. It's a time-limited privilege.
OMG. I SOOOO relate! So Sorry Diana....there are always givers and takers...unfortunately way too many of the latter. We have an RV parking spot in the back if you want to come visit Salt Lake City!!!!!
 
OMG. I SOOOO relate! So Sorry Diana....there are always givers and takers...unfortunately way too many of the latter. We have an RV parking spot in the back if you want to come visit Salt Lake City!!!!!

Don't know when we'll be going to SLC anytime soon, but I'll keep your offer in mind!
 
So, I thought I would do another update.

After spending September traveling around the Southwest in our old jalopy of an RV (the suspension in it is very low end - it could rattle the fillings out of your teeth), during which we had pretty much a wonderful time, my husband and I decided to sell the house and move away from the area - we are planning to use some of the proceeds from the sale to buy a much bigger and nicer and newer (but not brand-new) RV and live in it for a year or so while we figure out where we want to live (probably somewhere in the Southwest) and while my husband remodels whatever we buy (I am NOT going to ever live in the house during remodeling again!).

But - all the kids are STILL living here. :-(

And there is still a metric ****-ton of stuff to do before we can sell it, starting with going through all of our CRAP and getting rid of a good deal of it, storing the rest in a storage area that we will be renting for a year or so, and Charles has to finish the zillion projects that never got done and redo a number of things that have gotten worn/broken/dirty/cracked etc. since he fixed them up several years ago. I am not hopeful that this is going to happen until the spring.

1) My daughter finally got a job at the beginning of July, the week her unemployment ended - but it was (and still is) only part time, making what her unemployment benefits were, but with NO benefits - no medical, no 401(k) - nothing. And that has not changed, despite a promise it would. However, she and her boyfriend now have plans to move in with some friends in their house, after they do a bit of remodeling (that I've already paid for in the form of first and last month's rent) to give them a bigger room for them and her dog and two cats. She should be out in a few weeks. And - she is being considered for a new paralegal job, working for my former paralegal who will not create the terrible atmosphere that so turned her off of the profession (she is enjoying her current position as an office manager for a start-up farm co-op, but there's no money in it), and the company she would work for seems to have a more professional and fun start-up environment (and they are VERY well funded).

And she is about to do the second round of oocyte harvesting, only this time her boyfriend is going to help her make embryos :) because they freeze and thaw better than eggs, and they are talking marriage anyway. There are more insurance issues (see below), but they are going forward with it anyway.

2) A few days after the last update, my son shattered his femur in an ATV accident and was off work for over 3 months. During his recuperation, his g/f let him move back in with her. Great, right? Except last week, she kicked him out again. So - back to square one with him. At least he didn't lose his jobs during that time.

3) Stepdaughter is still here - there was a period of time when it looked like she and the STBX were going to get back together, but no. She FINALLY got a job - had orientation today - that is a hopefully seasonal to permanent job, but I don't care, I want her out NOW. I'm tired of her laziness and periodic insolence - I know she is stressed, but this is MY damned house.

We've told them the ALL have to be out by January 1st. I don't see it happening, except my daughter.

I've been doing a lot of fighting with insurance companies, some of it DS related, and some of it personal.
  • After my daughter lost her job, the insurance battle with her self funded plan with Aetna continued - I can't even begin to tell you how horrible it all was. Basically, they insisted it was an excluded treatment as being for infertility, and I was arguing it was an adjunctive procedure to PRESERVE her fertility while undergoing treatment for stage 4 endometriosis. (Compare cosmetic breast augmentation to reconstruction after mastectomy - placing the implant is the SAME code in both cases, but the reasons for it are different.) And when I got to the end of the internal reviews (endlessly delayed responses, lost paperwork, side procedural grievances), I asked for an External Medical Review - which they refused to even give me the forms for, saying she wasn't entitled. Then when I got them to give me the forms, they didn't respond for months, and then said no again. I finally renewed and increased my harassment of their executive appeals director, and (most of) the money is being wired to my daughter tomorrow, so she can pay off the overdue bills (a "one time exception" - they are paying my daughter rather than the medical group, because they don't want it to appear to be acquiescing to the fact that I was right, and to avoid setting a precedent for paying for it).
  • We are now at the IMR stage with her current insurance plan, which is a Blue Shield Covered CA plan, and thus regulated by the CA Dept. of Managed Health Care (DMHC) - again, egregious ******* around with us, at first saying the didn't have to even issue a formal denial because it was contractually excluded, and thus that we had no appeal rights. But after a metric ton more of BS from BSCA, they finally sent a denial (four months late) and then I appealed and they denied again, and now we're at the IMR.
    • I just found out I won the first part of the IMR battle - the DMHC has ruled that the denial was NOT based on a valid contractual exclusion, but rather based on the assertion that it wasn't "medically necessary," and so it's off to IMR.
    • I have some juicy evidence that BSCA doesn't consider it "not medically necessary" for SOME of their plans, like their small group plans, IF the doctor says that the patient is likely to lose their fertility - which is exactly her situation. And they worded the denial improperly (denying a procedure that is more than just oocyte harvesting and preservation), and failed to follow procedures like sending the EOC after citing it in the denial.
    • AND - the DMHC has noted my multiple complaints of procedural abuses, and will be investigating BSCA when the IMR is done.
  • My son got dicked around by his short-term disability insurance plan while he was hurt: he has two jobs, and supplemental disability insurance on just one of them; the supplemental insurance plan subtracted the state disability money he received from the OTHER job from what they owed, even though he should have gotten BOTH.
  • And we have another tax issue that is going to Tax Court - we took a deduction that our accountant said was OK, and I still think it is, but it is a matter of interpretation, and you KNOW that the IRS did not review it properly.
I am tiring of this constant fighting, however. Why can't people just do their damned jobs and do them right??

I'd really like it if I could just go away now.
 
Why can't people just do their damned jobs and do them right??
I say this several times a day.

I'm glad you've got a master plan of escape and hope your kiddos get the message and move out.

I've been trying to get our too-big-for-two 5k sf house on the market for two years but then a son moved back. He' moved out in September but by May (the earliest the house could go on the market) another may move back. By then the first son may move back, too.

An RV is sounding damn good right now, just to get away from the non-productive adult sons.

Hope you sort out the housing arrangements. (And your kids are tremendously lucky to have a mother who can wrangle their insurance issues.)
 
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