Ungrateful wretches, AKA adult children

[DianaCox]

5K sq ft?? Wow! We have all these people in less than 1900 sq ft plus a small basement (~400) plus the pool house (~200).

Charles and I are quite cozy in the 30' RV with no slides (less than 200 sq ft) but the replacement on will be a bit longer, with slides and an extra half bath. Very necessary for a household with a DSer.

 

[Clematis]

1900sf is palatial for CA. (A friend's daughter just bought a P.O.S. 2/1 800sf in Mountain View for a staggering $1.2 MILLION.) My house is too big. I really think everyone having their own "zone" and TV and bathroom contributed to our dysfunctional family. It was isolating. Had we all been compelled to learn how to compromise on a TV channel, perhaps we could have learned to get along better.

Your new RV will have a bath and a half? I didn't even think they made these. I was thinking of getting an RV built on the Dodge Promaster Cargo Van XL (sort of like Mercedes Sprinter but a tad wider) to tool around the country and visit friends and family. (Promaster is too new. I'm waiting for some of these to come on used market as I don't have $100k lying around for a new one.) I'd leave my 6'5" husband at home. He's just not RV sized. If I buy one next year, I may contact you for rv park advice.

 

[DSRIGGS]

We have 3,100 square feet here, and if finished the basement it would be 4,500. Way too big for us but at the time we bought it this property was the only thing in our small town where we needed to live that met our needs.

Both boys are back home now. Cameron who is 21 and battling mental and overall health issues needs to be with us right now but he has started taking classes. He should be a senior in college this year but lost 1.5 years due to his issues. He really wants to do biology/medical path of some sort and is going that path now. His problem is getting money to pay for school since I have told him I will not cosign anymore student loans. when both his brother and he were in private college he was able to get some federal loans but are limited in value, and the private loans require a cosigner and the rates are stupid. He is searching options but it is tough.

Our youngest Collin went to Elmhurst College in Chicago for his freshman year where he played football and ran track . His grades were good but didn't like the school. Loves his friends but not the school. Typical 19 year old in that he has no idea what he wants to do and nothing in school excites him. He is back home working full time now at my wife's company in a different area and on a break from school. He tells me he is ready to get back to school but I am not seeing any action yet. He is very independent and doesn't like to talk about these things so it is very hard getting him to take any advice..of course old Dad is out of touch and doesn't know anything ...I keep telling him that you don't live in a big house, take nice vacations, go to games whenever you want, pretty much buy or do what you want making $9.50/hour. We don't make him pay rent, neither one, but if we have to go down that path as motivation and understanding of what it costs to live, we will sooner than later.

Cameron is very motivated to get through school and back on path of life, but battles so many issues that complicate attaining that goal. Collin is enjoying hanging out with his buddies and just working, but he is starting to see what he will have in life if that is path he chooses.

We push the best we can and try to guide good decision making but we are sucking as parents right now or so it feels.

 

[OldBroad]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed regarding my 23 y.o. She finished her B.A. and has a job and an apartment. She is paying for her living expenses, student loan and car insurance herself. The job is not that lucrative and doesn't require a college degree (front desk at a motel), but it is steady and full-time. I'm proud of how independent she is getting to be. I just hope she can find more fulfilling work in the near future and get on the road to some kind of career.

 

[DSRIGGS]

I'm keeping my fingers crossed regarding my 23 y.o. She finished her B.A. and has a job and an apartment. She is paying for her living expenses, student loan and car insurance herself. The job is not that lucrative and doesn't require a college degree (front desk at a motel), but it is steady and full-time. I'm proud of how independent she is getting to be. I just hope she can find more fulfilling work in the near future and get on the road to some kind of career.

Congrats with your 23 year old.

College cost is just stupid anymore and it is so hard for them to find decent jobs when they graduate. I know so many young ones who are doing jobs just like you mentioned that don't require a four year degree. I am a huge proponent of taking four year degrees down 18-36 month degrees where students are taught real skills valued by employers and all the "well rounded" stuff is eliminated. The cost is too high and we are graduating too many kids without the skills employers are looking for. I am talking more programs that follow like Allied Health Care field model where you become a Rad Tech, Respiratory therapist, etc. I believe most of these are 2 year programs max. We could do the same for IT degrees, accounting, engineering techs, etc. It would cut the cost down and huge student loan debt kids are coming out with, and it would provide strong candidates for employers seeking people from that field of study.

Just my two cents....this coming from a guy with a graduate degree.

 

[hilary1617]

@DianaCox - the luxe RV for a year and then greener pastures sounds like a great plan and one which will motivate offspring to find dwellings of their own. Wishing you the best!

 

[BebeZed]

I just discovered this thread and OMG I know the frustration of having ungrateful adult kids! I've had some issues with mine. The middle ones were never problematic and the youngest is finally pulling himself together, but the oldest... ugh. I won't go into detail but let's just say it's been quite the adventure with her and TBH I don't think I can ever allow her to live with me again. Well, not unless she cleans up her act and I've about given up on that.

So... I feel your pain.

 

[DianaCox]

I think with our kids, it is a combination of being lazy, having relatively high expectations, not going to college despite having the opportunity on my dime (except my daughter, who got a BA in communications), and the ridiculously high cost of living in Silicon Valley. There is SO much money here, that the divide between haves and have-nots is especially high. NONE of them make enough money to live on their own here. We are literally going to be abandoning them, but they are all 30+, and we're running out of money ourselves.

I expect my daughter and her boyfriend will be fine, especially if she goes back to work as a paralegal. My son - whose mostly-on-but-often-off girlfriend just kicked him out again - might not make it here, but maybe he SHOULD leave here too. I don't know where he'll go for the next year - probably couch surfing, and then I expect him to join us wherever we move. My stepdaughter is going to be in a really tough spot - she HAS to stay here, because she and her STBX have joint custody of their 3 year old daughter. But she has never managed to hold even a minimum wage job for very long, and hardly ever has had one. She has had plenty of opportunity to do something with herself, but has not done so.

 

[BebeZed]

I'm really glad I'm not the only one struggling with booting adult kids out of the nest! The middle two have been self-sufficient for years, but the oldest and youngest still can't take care of themselves. Hopefully the youngest will find his way - he's making the right step by going back to college and I'm going to encourage him to continue on to get his four year degree so he'll have better chances at employment. And maybe someday he'll actually move out! Or help pay the bills. I think back on how I was out on my own and with a career at age 19 - it was a huge struggle at times to keep myself afloat, and I worked 3 part-time jobs to get through community college. But the world is very different today and it does seem to be much more of a struggle for the kids. I don't envy them that!

 

[k9ophile]

Congrats with your 23 year old.

College cost is just stupid anymore and it is so hard for them to find decent jobs when they graduate...

Just my two cents....this coming from a guy with a graduate degree.

I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, things could accelerated and more be skill specific. On the other hand, I have a BS and took several courses not even closely related to my major at two different liberal arts institutions. My life has been enriched by this. The classes in my major allowed me to make a living; the others helped me enjoy life. Of course school was much cheaper when I was there. I got > $14,000 from the GI bill and only needed $7,000+/- in loans. My husband was in school on the GI Bill at the same time. We worked full and part time jobs. It was insane at the time, yet I'm glad we did it. BTW, Hubs has a Associates in drafting and due to our circumstances, it took him four years. One of our fondest memories is when I put $6.00 of gas in his car for our 6th anniversary and gave him asparagus for his birthday. The asparagus was really a treat. Neither one of us is filled with regrets.

 

[DSRIGGS]

I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, things could accelerated and more be skill specific. On the other hand, I have a BS and took several courses not even closely related to my major at two different liberal arts institutions. My life has been enriched by this. The classes in my major allowed me to make a living; the others helped me enjoy life. Of course school was much cheaper when I was there. I got > $14,000 from the GI bill and only needed $7,000+/- in loans. My husband was in school on the GI Bill at the same time. We worked full and part time jobs. It was insane at the time, yet I'm glad we did it. BTW, Hubs has a Associates in drafting and due to our circumstances, it took him four years. One of our fondest memories is when I put $6.00 of gas in his car for our 6th anniversary and gave him asparagus for his birthday. The asparagus was really a treat. Neither one of us is filled with regrets.

I hear you. My point on the "well rounded stuff" is that in my mind those are nice to haves or wants, but not needs. I see a crisis in our educational system and think it has to be changed to get more effectively trained people into the work force and the well rounded portion comes through life experience.

Seeing the standard four year degree be turned into a 2 to 2.5 year degree that gives very strong skills in a given area is something I feel strongly about. We have a huge crisis coming with student loan debt and it is going to be staggering.

 

[DSRIGGS]

I have mixed feelings about this. Yes, things could accelerated and more be skill specific. On the other hand, I have a BS and took several courses not even closely related to my major at two different liberal arts institutions. My life has been enriched by this. The classes in my major allowed me to make a living; the others helped me enjoy life. Of course school was much cheaper when I was there. I got > $14,000 from the GI bill and only needed $7,000+/- in loans. My husband was in school on the GI Bill at the same time. We worked full and part time jobs. It was insane at the time, yet I'm glad we did it. BTW, Hubs has a Associates in drafting and due to our circumstances, it took him four years. One of our fondest memories is when I put $6.00 of gas in his car for our 6th anniversary and gave him asparagus for his birthday. The asparagus was really a treat. Neither one of us is filled with regrets.

I hear you. My point on the "well rounded stuff" is that in my mind those are nice to haves or wants, but not needs. I see a crisis in our educational system and think it has to be changed to get more effectively trained people into the work force and the well rounded portion comes through life experience.

Seeing the standard four year degree be turned into a 2 to 2.5 year degree that gives very strong skills in a given area is something I feel strongly about. We have a huge crisis coming with student loan debt and it is going to be staggering.

 

[JackieOnLine]

We have a huge crisis coming with student loan debt and it is going to be staggering.

yes, we do - it's crazy to ask people to take on all kinds of debt for a degree, how are they ever supposed to buy a home or have children or - eventually - retire?

 

[k9ophile]

I hear you. My point on the "well rounded stuff" is that in my mind those are nice to haves or wants, but not needs. I see a crisis in our educational system and think it has to be changed to get more effectively trained people into the work force and the well rounded portion comes through life experience.

Seeing the standard four year degree be turned into a 2 to 2.5 year degree that gives very strong skills in a given area is something I feel strongly about. We have a huge crisis coming with student loan debt and it is going to be staggering.

Oh, I agree with this completely. Not everyone needs or wants to have electives not related to their major. I guess it all comes down to options and education from grade school to college could undergo major reformation. I personally would like to see more programs that encourage artisan skilled workers like carpenters, masons, leather workers, etc. Those skills created lasting works of art as well as practical objects.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Feeling fortunate indeed...