things you say when you fart...:eusa_shifty:
sorry, must have stepped on a duck
- Thread starter JackieOnLine
- Start date
I blame the cat! We have one that has farts that STINK!!!
Elizabeth N.
Herder of cats
I knew a guy who would say he stepped on a spider.
newanatomy
Well-Known Member
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The Brits might say, "Pardon me, trouser cough".
My dear, sweet, almost 88 year old MIL has given (vaginal) birth to 12 children. She passes gas involuntarily while she walks, stands, sits, and breathes. We have all been so accustomed to this that no one even says a word. It is just a fact of life. Even the smallest great grandchildren know that great grandma toots.
But the stepping on a duck comment is priceless.
I still won't fart in the same room as my husband of 32 years. Or in bed. I just won't.
But the stepping on a duck comment is priceless.
I still won't fart in the same room as my husband of 32 years. Or in bed. I just won't.
Paula
Well-Known Member
I blame it on the baby Im carrying. It's a fair trade though. He is far too busy using my uterus for MMA training to care anyway 
How in the hell do you avoid it???
that's what I want to know - when I fart in public it isn't because I decided to.
It takes me longer to get out of bed these days...FIRST, I have to unload a boatload of cats off me, then roll to my side (by which time a couple of cats have decided I'm not moving so they can rejoin me) AND then make my body cooperate with getting vertical. By that time, it's already ripped loose...
As to the sneezes...that MIGHT change. It's my full signal and not a damned thing I can do to stop them, regardless of where I am!
I chalk it up to superior sphincter control. I really don't know how I avoid passing gas, while I'm awake. At night I will wake up and leave the bedroom in order to avoid fouling the air by him. Things like that really gross me out. I haven't been able to throw up since I was a child. I fight it until I'm miserable, then it passes.
I learned my lesson with "sliming" early out. I never eat to the point that my nose runs or I sneeze anymore, either.
Now, burping is a whole other topic. I am the Queen of burping. I'm an expert at burping myself, and was a baby burping specialist. But after every burp, I say "Excuse me", to which my husband chuckles.
I learned my lesson with "sliming" early out. I never eat to the point that my nose runs or I sneeze anymore, either.
Now, burping is a whole other topic. I am the Queen of burping. I'm an expert at burping myself, and was a baby burping specialist. But after every burp, I say "Excuse me", to which my husband chuckles.
Spiky Bugger
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"At night I will wake up and leave the bedroom in order to avoid fouling the air by him."
This is why I sleep alone almost every night. Not ALL of the night. Just the part where I decide I have to pee, and then whist there I have to fart. And those are so monumental, I need a long time to get back to sleep....so I move elsewhere. Lemme tell ya, my bariatric surgeon took one look at an abd X-ray someone else ordered for me and started laughing and pointing and carrying on about the "enormous farts" I must produce. Huge air pockets in there...and they eventually find an exit. I may have to register with Cal Tech so the Richter Scale doesn't get me confused with REAL earthquakes. (Hmmm...my kid went to elementary school with a Richter grandson...I wonder if he grew up to be brilliant.)
I may buy some of that Grapefruit spray. But I use Orange/Citrus now and it's pretty good...except that MY bathroom has no window. I was ready to install a skylight...it's sitting in the garage...but I may just change to a real window. (Depends on some issues outside my control.)
Back to farts...when I was a little kid, my parents very, very good friends had a daughter a couple of years younger and a not-quite-potty-trained son even a couple years younger than his sister. He had to go to bed earlier than we big kids did. Eventually, little Jimmy would start crying, his mom would go in his room and find a wet bed and the kid who wet the bed. His dad, a cop who knew how to look very serious, would look at him sternly and ask what happened and Jimmy would IMMEDIATELY reply, "I didn't do anything...an Indian came in and wet my bed."
So, when the room I occupied smells aromatic, my husband asks if we've had an Indian wandering around that he didn't notice. What's sad about this whole racist diatribe is that *I* am so officially part Indian, I actually got a check for my share of what the Feds ripped us off for. So yes, we have an Indian here every night, apparently farting through the night.
Oh, well.
This is why I sleep alone almost every night. Not ALL of the night. Just the part where I decide I have to pee, and then whist there I have to fart. And those are so monumental, I need a long time to get back to sleep....so I move elsewhere. Lemme tell ya, my bariatric surgeon took one look at an abd X-ray someone else ordered for me and started laughing and pointing and carrying on about the "enormous farts" I must produce. Huge air pockets in there...and they eventually find an exit. I may have to register with Cal Tech so the Richter Scale doesn't get me confused with REAL earthquakes. (Hmmm...my kid went to elementary school with a Richter grandson...I wonder if he grew up to be brilliant.)
I may buy some of that Grapefruit spray. But I use Orange/Citrus now and it's pretty good...except that MY bathroom has no window. I was ready to install a skylight...it's sitting in the garage...but I may just change to a real window. (Depends on some issues outside my control.)
Back to farts...when I was a little kid, my parents very, very good friends had a daughter a couple of years younger and a not-quite-potty-trained son even a couple years younger than his sister. He had to go to bed earlier than we big kids did. Eventually, little Jimmy would start crying, his mom would go in his room and find a wet bed and the kid who wet the bed. His dad, a cop who knew how to look very serious, would look at him sternly and ask what happened and Jimmy would IMMEDIATELY reply, "I didn't do anything...an Indian came in and wet my bed."
So, when the room I occupied smells aromatic, my husband asks if we've had an Indian wandering around that he didn't notice. What's sad about this whole racist diatribe is that *I* am so officially part Indian, I actually got a check for my share of what the Feds ripped us off for. So yes, we have an Indian here every night, apparently farting through the night.
Oh, well.
Barb1
Well-Known Member
Did you step on a duck!! 
.MY ASS OFF! There is no way in hell I can make it even 2 feet to get to the bathroom. I am my mother's daughter and she was the same as Sheanie's MIL. I try to get out of bed and get to the bathroom but I fart with every step and the sounds are a hell of lot worse than stepping on a duck or cat. My husband says I should record for them for sound effects. I have sent my family laughing at the sound and pulling their shirts over their nose to block the smell. I have kitchen matches in every room of the house. If I want to clear the room all I have to do is it any type of white bread. One half of a small bagel slathered with butter will not only produce the most wicked smell but send me straight to the bathroom about 10 times with diarrhea. I thought about doing this because of the hard stools but I don't want but I don't want diarrhea. I have had far too much of that since 2010. It is seriously not funny at all! But the farting is/was nothing new in this family. To us it is a part of life. I will say if I am in public I will try my hardest not to but there is no holding back sometimes! With age it does get worse.
.
.MY ASS OFF! There is no way in hell I can make it even 2 feet to get to the bathroom. I am my mother's daughter and she was the same as Sheanie's MIL. I try to get out of bed and get to the bathroom but I fart with every step and the sounds are a hell of lot worse than stepping on a duck or cat. My husband says I should record for them for sound effects. I have sent my family laughing at the sound and pulling their shirts over their nose to block the smell. I have kitchen matches in every room of the house. If I want to clear the room all I have to do is it any type of white bread. One half of a small bagel slathered with butter will not only produce the most wicked smell but send me straight to the bathroom about 10 times with diarrhea. I thought about doing this because of the hard stools but I don't want but I don't want diarrhea. I have had far too much of that since 2010. It is seriously not funny at all! But the farting is/was nothing new in this family. To us it is a part of life. I will say if I am in public I will try my hardest not to but there is no holding back sometimes! With age it does get worse..
Barb1
Well-Known Member
@Spiky Bugger the one I leave wake me and my husband up. If not by sound then smell. They are not the type you want to try and keep under the covers!!
