The Never-Ending Mind Game

[Elizabeth N.]

I believe that MO/formerly MO people are subjected to a special, never-really-ending set of mind games. The exact content depends upon the individual, but some characteristics are common to most of us. Please talk about your own mind games.

The online WLS communities tend to embrace a certain body of mind games, depending upon surgery type, group population and other factors. One thing that almost all of them have in common (and I hope this one will be an exception) is that it's almost all newbies and peeps in the honeymoon phase. Thread after thread of "preop diet" and "what about the OMFG SKIN!!!" and "5 day pouch test".....

*gag*

The commonalities include:

--insurance
--preop "liver shrinking" diet
--SKIN OMG LOOSE SKIN
--Sex?????

You get the idea.....Shallow, shallow, shallow.

Then the next layer of people come in, the ones who had "a" problem. Could be "slow" weight loss, or medical, or HORRORS regain.

Commonality: The dream gets punctured. NOW WHAT?

I worked my ass off in therapy to get through the mind games connected with getting out of being SSMO. It worked.

Now, at almost 8 years out, I have realized that I was trapped in a mind game. I didn't see the regain....Until most recent pictures pinned me to the wall and I had to realize that I went from the size medium t shirt of 2009 to the L/XL shirt of 2014....And worse, from the size 10/12 jeans of 2009 to the size 16 jeans of 2014.

Pounds don't tell me the story. But pics and sizes do.

Now, WHAT do I want to do? Um, I dunno. Do I want to "go on a diet"? Am I doomed to be on a path back to 400 lbs and certain horrible death if I don't embrace the "diet"? What is 'reasonable'?

I dunno. But I'm here to tell you that the mind game is ongoing and that nothing is forever.

Next?

 

[hilary1617]

In my mind, 16 is a healthy size. So, were I in your shoes, I'd be grateful and embrace the amazing success that represents.

I have my mind set on never dieting again and suspect you do too. Knowing you have been a 10/12 before and could possibly work the DS to get there again and that might be healthier might serve as decent inspiration to up the protein; reduce the carbs; be active; and see where that leads. But, whatever path you choose, be it making some changes or keeping on keeping on, don't beat yourself up. You've come a long way and are moving forward. You are not going to go back to where you were...

 

[Elizabeth N.]

Yup, 16 is a pleasant size. I am not particularly attached to size 10/12, except that it tells me "hello bounceback, pay attention to the health signs." The mind game comes in, for ME, with the crazy worry that it means I'm doomed to be 400 lbs. again....totally unrealistic if I do even a fraction of what it takes to work the DS.

 

[DianaCox]

I have had some rebound as well - in fact, I'm at the same weight where I spent a lot of time as an adult, and where I landed at one year and stayed for 2+ more years post-DS. Then I lost 35 lbs, and now it's back.

But - my health is quite good. Just got my 11 year labs done, and they are very good. Minor tweaks needed at best, while FBS, lipids, VitD and PTH are excellent. So I'm trying to stay focused on that success, while trying to be a BIT more careful about carbs. Trying, not succeeding, so far.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I may need to buy a scale.



ETA...and I wear four different sizes, depending on what garment and what style. And my belly is the problem, in general and then especially when I get bloated. So I really need maternity clothes...except it's embarrassing to shop for maternity clothes when you're 67.

I have about 30 pairs of identical undies...identical except that I have them in two sizes...maybe more because of different sizing configurations.

The ladies at Nordstrom's argued with me about what size bra I wear. They insisted I needed one two sizes smaller than what I was asking for. I said I did not.. They unanimously declared that I needed a fitting. I played along. When we were done wasting my time, they decided I needed EXACTLY the size I had asked for in the first place. So, some days, in some places, I guess I don't look as big as I am.

But my belly is huge. I do my best to hide it. But if the waist fits, my ass disappears in yards of excess billowing fabric. And if my ass fits, I can't button or zip anything. On certain t-shirts, if it is comfy around the waist, it is sliding off my shoulders...I look like a Flashdance flashback. Except I can't find my leg warmers, which raises another question...whose legs were actually cold all through the 1980s?

 

[JackieOnLine]

good thread topic and I have much to say...but I need to walk the dogs before it gets too hot and/or smokey outside. see you later!!

pic from FB

 

[Joanne]

Mind games here for sure. I weigh myself every day. I can rationalize it, and say I dont let it dictate my emotion - and for the most part that's true - but I've been thinking a lot lately about why I do it. Fear. I think it's fear of regain.

But the fear isn't simple regain. It's the out of control regain. I'm currently in a size 6/8. I could very reasonably be happy at a higher size ESPECIALLY if it meant eating more things I want. But what scares me is the fear that it won't stop there. An 8 would go to a 12 would go to a 16 would go to a 22 before you know it. Is that a rational fear? I don't know. It's certainly what happened pre-op, if you change the numbers to bigger sizes.

Before my DS I would have chopped off a finger to be a size 16. I think it's a perfectly normal, average size. I wonder, EN, if your feelings are more about the actual size itself, or more about the feeling of not having control over the number?

 

[Elizabeth N.]

The anxiety producing factor is fear of loss of control, and of losing my hard-won health. That part's easy to figure out .

My experience is: When I harness the power of my mind, life transforms. That's why I harp so much on subjects like therapy.

ETA: I put those sizes in to demonstrate the changes I've been through, since the scale numbers don't do it for me. But what really interests me is the fact that despite changing clothing sizes, I was blind to the changes in the mirror. It took seeing photographs to get around that blindness.

Size 16 is marvelous. I was frankly too damned scrawny in a 10/12.

 

[hilary1617]

@Spiky Bugger , We may have the same figure. I wear a 34 G, but may appear smaller on top in contrast to my swollen waistline. I feel like I should have a "contents under pressure" warning label as it is rock hard from pronounced ascites and swollen spleen/liver from the whole cancer surgery thing. *Everyone* who sees me thinks I'm pregnant, so I get asked about my due date and the gender of the child, have strangers touch my belly *and* have even gone so far as to ask my daughter/son if they are excited to be a big sister/brother... The ladies who pat me down at the airport always congratulate me. At the clothing stores, the sales associates tell me things like how I shouldn't try so hard to hide it - that I should be pregnant and proud. Some let me know not to worry that I don't "look fat" - just pregnant and how cute is that..

Rather than explaining the whole circumstance to complete strangers, which just draws out the interaction, I go along with it. Got me in trouble recently. Was in an elevator with my new "big boss" and he looked down and asked "Is it your first?" I gave a knee-jerk affirmative reply, then had to reverse course. I had no choice but to share the full truth, softening the message first by proclaiming that I am delighted at what would constitute "advanced maternal age" that people would think I am with child, but... In any case, I hadn't wanted to share my cancer history with him and now our interactions are just *weird*.

Anyway, I feel your clothing pain! Hard to find the right thing for the figure. Maternity clothing makes the problem more pronounced. I just go for stretchy pants (generally the waists of which migrate up or down around the bump all day), and wear jackets or tie-front sweaters with almost everything, as I think they provide the best camouflage. Petite tops tend to be smaller around the neck, so I try to find those so that I don't sport the same old flashdance style you reference.

 

[bearmom]

Many of us say we are fine at "X" weight, as long as we are healthy, but many of us seem to look at the one time low as the place to be, despite feeling great a the current higher weight.

I don't think it's realistic to assume our set point is at that one all time low. I seem to idle at a size 10. I did go down to a size 6 for a second, but I have no desire to go back or try to maintain that. This is what my body naturally settles at, and I'm sure is my real set point now. The fact that I went lower for a bit was the exception.

My brain does resist just seeing my weight in the middle of my bell curve because the DS surgery and all I went through with it was primarily to lose weight, and it just overrides logic when my main drive has only been to make the weight go down. The only time I've been able to truly be oblivious to this is when life has been so chaotic or shitty there hasn't been room for trivial worries. Now that I have a little breathing room again, there is the unreasonable need to make these size 10s into an 8. Or a 6.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

@Spiky Bugger , We may have the same figure. I wear a 34 G, but may appear smaller on top in contrast to my swollen waistline. I feel like I should have a "contents under pressure" warning label as it is rock hard from pronounced ascites and swollen spleen/liver from the whole cancer surgery thing. *Everyone* who sees me thinks I'm pregnant, so I get asked about my due date and the gender of the child, have strangers touch my belly *and* have even gone so far as to ask my daughter/son if they are excited to be a big sister/brother... The ladies who pat me down at the airport always congratulate me. At the clothing stores, the sales associates tell me things like how I shouldn't try so hard to hide it - that I should be pregnant and proud. Some let me know not to worry that I don't "look fat" - just pregnant and how cute is that..

Rather than explaining the whole circumstance to complete strangers, which just draws out the interaction, I go along with it. Got me in trouble recently. Was in an elevator with my new "big boss" and he looked down and asked "Is it your first?" I gave a knee-jerk affirmative reply, then had to reverse course. I had no choice but to share the full truth, softening the message first by proclaiming that I am delighted at what would constitute "advanced maternal age" that people would think I am with child, but... In any case, I hadn't wanted to share my cancer history with him and now our interactions are just *weird*.

Anyway, I feel your clothing pain! Hard to find the right thing for the figure. Maternity clothing makes the problem more pronounced. I just go for stretchy pants (generally the waists of which migrate up or down around the bump all day), and wear jackets or tie-front sweaters with almost everything, as I think they provide the best camouflage. Petite tops tend to be smaller around the neck, so I try to find those so that I don't sport the same old flashdance style you reference.

I have a pair of these in every color except heather grey...I don't do heather...but it's easiest to see the item in the light color. They manage to fit most of the time. Sometimes I wear the waistband up, sometimes down.


http://www.qvc.com/Women-with-Contr...s.qvc.com/is/image/a/46/a202046.001?$uslarge$

 

[brooklyngirl]

I think I need those pants!

 

[JackieOnLine]

it's so true that the size numbers don't mean anything.

I felt like I was doing so well fighting the mind games, then I have a bout of stress and then another and at some point they overwhelmed me again.

somebody once said, it's hard to fight an enemy that's in your head - boy, is that true.

I did see a therapist for awhile when I moved to Oregon but it didn't seem to help so I gave it up - should have found somebody else, maybe. it's hard to be objective when you are IN your moods/feelings/life.

I love that horse photos - those big muscular butts and nobody in their right mind would say "oh, their butts are too big!"

 

[kirmy]

Yes. I still want to be a head on a stick. I'm not...I looked like a saggy furry monkey at my lowest weight. You could see my fecking hip girdle, my mons hung down like a free range jelly my belly and thigh skin was like a melt movie and I was so very very weak. I still want to be smaller. I want to be 59kg. I'm 5ft 7. I know that is insane. I prefer my food to illness. I still bargain every day with myself. Regain is toxic to my self esteem because it means utter failure....in everything. My whole life's worth hinges on my jeans fitting. How diminished does this make me?

I believe that so much mental illness is genetic and imprinted. I believe I struggle with the same eating disorders that my evil mother has. This alone makes me stubbornly cling to wellness. I refuse to become her anorexic doppelgänger. So for me the thin ice is compulsive eating or exercise anorexia. I have determinedly refused to put my skates on. I'm gonna try simple moderation and DS compliance only. But this is a tough one. It will never get easier for me. Fuck!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Yes. I still want to be a head on a stick. I'm not...I looked like a saggy furry monkey at my lowest weight. You could see my fecking hip girdle, my mons hung down like a free range jelly my belly and thigh skin was like a melt movie and I was so very very weak. I still want to be smaller. I want to be 59kg. I'm 5ft 7. I know that is insane. I prefer my food to illness. I still bargain every day with myself. Regain is toxic to my self esteem because it means utter failure....in everything. My whole life's worth hinges on my jeans fitting. How diminished does this make me?

I believe that so much mental illness is genetic and imprinted. I believe I struggle with the same eating disorders that my evil mother has. This alone makes me stubbornly cling to wellness. I refuse to become her anorexic doppelgänger. So for me the thin ice is compulsive eating or exercise anorexia. I have determinedly refused to put my skates on. I'm gonna try simple moderation and DS compliance only. But this is a tough one. It will never get easier for me. Fuck!

Don't hit me for this...but...very young, I had to do things the way my mother wanted them done, because she had all the power. Later, at the age of rebellion, I made sure I did the opposite of what she wanted. Until...one day...I figured out that even though it was in reverse, she was still controlling my choices.

It took a while, but eventually, I did some of those things that were important to her, her way...not because they were important to her, but because they made sense to me or had become a habit I could live with. And I didn't do some things that were important to her, not because I wanted to fuck with her, but because some stuff didn't make sense to me or irritated me.

And that's when her power disappeared. And I got to be me.