Resentment, entitlement and jealousy

[Duckman]

Gosh, I reread what I wrote and it sounds mean. I did not intend it to be mean.

I didn't take your comments as mean, at all. You're cool, we're cool, everyone's cool.

I asked for direct feedback and I'm getting it - and I appreciate it! I know I am not blameless here. I took the easy way by not suing my ex when I should have. I have a lot of regrets.

One of those regrets is absolutely not for asking you ladies for some perspective.

Thank you all, and feel free to keep going on.

 

[k9ophile]

I re-read what I said and I do hope you realize I wasn't criticizing you. I just thought that as long as you were having a "Come to Jesus talk" with the *kids*, you could use the opportunity to explain how expressing gratitude is a positive thing. I have been tempted to stop gifting due to lack of thankful acknowledgements, yet I still enjoy the gifting more than I am chagrined at the lack of said acknowledgement. That could and most likely will change.

 

[Duckman]

I re-read what I said and I do hope you realize I wasn't criticizing you.

maybe I need criticism? I do.

I just thought that as long as you were having a "Come to Jesus talk" with the *kids*, you could use the opportunity to explain how expressing gratitude is a positive thing.

I haven't committed to having a come-to-Jesus meeting. I'm not sure where I stand on anything with them.

 

[hilary1617]

I literally disowned four extended but once-close family members a week ago because they engaged in an egregious violation of my trust, so I'm not one to suffer fools lightly. But, I would recommend trying to smooth any feathers that this trip ruffles particularly since A2 and A3 didn't have an opportunity like this before they became ungrateful adults. Maybe they too wish things had been / would be a bit different. No time better than the present to start charting a new course. None of this is on H and he sounds deserving of an uncle-sponsored journey, and you certainly deserve to be able to spend your time and money as you see fit! All the best!

 

[Larra]

I didn't think Settledownnow sounded mean either, and hope you are not being too hard on yourself. No parent is perfect, and you did the best you could with the situation you found yourself in and the parenting skills you had at the time.

 

[k9ophile]

Duckman I don't think anyone needs criticism. Having endured too many years of it from the mouths of family, I prefer thoughtful suggestions. And the more the better in order to see things from different angles. I like the way the people here support each other, yet will get tough on when necessary. Whether or not you have a "Come to Jesus", you've recognized a potential problem and asked for help. My armchair psychology degree tells me too many people fail at both actions.

 

[LizJ]

My son and daughter-in-law went through a time when they weren't grateful, at all. My son and I had a good relationship and we went to dinner and had "the talk". It slowly got better, then (I kid you not) LAST night he called my brother to apologize for his behavior of a few year back. It was the apex of him turning into an adult, he now gets it. (he just turned 25 and has a 2 year old) I've told him a few times you only get to blame your parents until you're 25, then it's all on you.

Start having the conversation with your kids. Start slow, apologize for not doing more (or whatever you feel you might need to) then move on to what kind of adults you hope they'll become, because it's a choice. If you can talk about your own struggles, what you wish you knew earlier, and what you'd change if you could. It took a few "dinners" but it was so worth it! They (son and DIL) have both done a 180 and I'm so proud!

Go have fun on your trip and leave the extra emotional baggage at home. This will wait till you get back. If you know the Tri-guys on you tube, they have some great recommendations for food in Japan!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Maybe..tell A2 and A3:

Since you "grew up" (humor them) w/out continuing contact from me...and since "we're all adults now" (humor them some more)...we need to sit down and maybe discuss how we got to where we are now and certainly discuss what we--as adults--now expect from each other.

For example, this summer, I'll be taking H to Japan. We've had an ongoing relationship and we know what we expect from each other, especially since one of us is a kid.

But the three of us need to talk and if you think about it, you'll understand why we need to engage in shorter, less intensive outings before we attempt something like H and I will be doing. I need you to help me plan those outings...and I hope you tell me if you appreciate those activities...or maybe if you are disappointed because you expected something different.


Or not.

 

[Sheanie]

Absolutely LOVE Spikys answer.

 

[Duckman]

Well, no tears or screaming.

I was able to have a short talk about gratitude.

I'll keep you all posted

You ladies are the best!

 

[Settledownnow]

Well, no tears or screaming.

I was able to have a short talk about gratitude.

I'll keep you all posted

You ladies are the best!

So proud of you! You did not cry or scream.

 

[Duckman]

So proud of you! You did not cry or scream.

I did not.

I just signed up for a week in Hong Kong in March. Fun times.

 

[harrietvane]

I just signed up for a week in Hong Kong in March. Fun times.

Should be starting to warm up and not yet disgustingly hot. Let me know if you need any suggestions on accommodation or things to do! You should definitely make a reservation at Spring Deer in Kowloon to have Peking duck ... and make sure you're hungry when you arrive. (Insert drooling emoji here!)

 

[k9ophile]

If for any reason your nephew cannot go, I'll step in.

 

[Duckman]

Should be starting to warm up and not yet disgustingly hot. Let me know if you need any suggestions on accommodation or things to do! You should definitely make a reservation at Spring Deer in Kowloon to have Peking duck ... and make sure you're hungry when you arrive. (Insert drooling emoji here!)

when I get closer, I will. The hotel is from a block of rooms chosen for us, adjacent to the venue.