Resentment, entitlement and jealousy

[Duckman]

I have two kids under consideration, ages 24 (A2) and 20 (A3).

My sister has a kid, H, age 14. He's super well behaved and is doing well in school.

I offered to take H to Japan for a couple weeks this summer. It'll be cheap, since he'll share a room with me that work is paying for. I'll be paying for airfare, which is also not too bad.

My sister is on board, H is excited, and my other sisters and my mom are like... A2 and A3 are really going to resent this.

A2 and A3 are... not gracious. And that's my fault as a parent, but you know, I'd rather take someone that wants to go and will appreciate it instead of someone that expects that they get to go and I'll pay for it.

I'm taking H, but I'm having a hard time giving a shit about A2 and A3's feelings after my older sister and her husband paid for them (and A2's beau) to go to Illinois for Christmas and they didn't say thanks.

I understand that some of this resentment is mine, as well.

Put me on blast, let me have it, I need some perspective here.

 

[Settledownnow]

You are going to Japan with your nephew because you enjoy his company. You do not enjoy the company of your own children. You may love your children but it does not sound like you like them or respect them. They will get the message loud and clear by not taking them on the trip. No matter how you spin the trip that is going to be the message. That will be a consequence of the trip but you can still go. Take responsibility for the relationship problem with your children-- own it. Let them know. Apologize to them for the relationship problems let them know you want to improve it. Work on repairing your relationship with them so that you do not spend the rest of your life in conflict and estranged from your children. Make this a high priority in your life while they are still young and you can change it.

 

[JackieOnLine]

maybe your kids will get better in time? early 20s means your brain isn't finished developing yet.

I'd rather take someone that wants to go and will appreciate it instead of someone that expects that they get to go and I'll pay for it.

have you told your kids this is why, just this directly? spell it out!!

I sure can't blame you for wanting to take someone who wants to go and will appreciate it!

 

[Larra]

I wanted to say something comforting as it's clear you are really struggling with the emotions around this, but I can't possibly improve on what Settledownnow said.

 

[hilary1617]

Did you take any analogous international trips with A2 and A3 when they were young teens of 13-15ish? If so, you could inform H, A2 and A3 that this trip is "H's turn at the the high school world adventure". This type of positioning may soften the blow.

 

[harrietvane]

That and if you're sharing a room so there's minimal extra cost, sharing with 1 is infinitely simpler than sharing with 2 + partners.

 

[Sheanie]

Heh. Screw them. Its called getting your bubble burst. Good for you.

When I was in 3rd grade, my mother made us 3 girls compete for a chance to fly to Hawaii. Only 2 could go. I worked my 8 year old ass off, doing chores, being good, never whining, doing things without being asked. I cleaned the boys room. I cleaned the basement.

I got to go. My younger, spoiled rotten, sister did not. Her and my little brothers stayed home.

It was the trip of my life. I can still remember vivid smells, tastes, sounds, foods, people. Sleeping on the floor, watching anoles run along the ceiling.

I earned that trip. My lazy sister fully expected she would get to go.

 

[k9ophile]

What Settledownnow said. I would only add that when to owning up to your mistakes, you might also want to include how remiss you were in not teaching or reminding them of the importance of thanking people when anything is done for them ( anything as big as paying for a trip to Illinois or passing them the potatoes).

 

[Duckman]

Did you take any analogous international trips with A2 and A3 when they were young teens of 13-15ish? If so, you could inform H, A2 and A3 that this trip is "H's turn at the the high school world adventure". This type of positioning may soften the blow.

My divorce was contentious. I was unable to see my kids for long periods of time. So, no, I did not.

 

[Duckman]

have you told your kids this is why, just this directly? spell it out!!

I sure can't blame you for wanting to take someone who wants to go and will appreciate it!

I have not. That is my error

 

[Duckman]

What Settledownnow said. I would only add that when to owning up to your mistakes, you might also want to include how remiss you were in not teaching or reminding them of the importance of thanking people when anything is done for them ( anything as big as paying for a trip to Illinois or passing them the potatoes).

Yes, I agree. I have a lot to work on as well.

 

[Duckman]

I want to explicitly say... thank you to you all for responding. I posted this here, on purpose, because of the "buckle up for candor" tagline.

 

[Munchkin]

Your money. Your trip. You should do as you please.

However...I think you should be honest with your kids and tell them why they are not going! Sometimes a little shit needs to be told they are a little shit!

 

[Sheanie]

Duckman, its not too late. Tell them if you do not get a Thank You for gifts, etc. in the future, that they will stop.

I am known as Mean Aunt Jean by my nieces and nephews, all 40- some of them. But I get thank you notes from all of them for gifts. Because since they were little, I told them that before they could use the gift, a thank you card had to be sent. My kids had the same rules.

It sounds like your ex dropped the ball here. Either way, its not too late. Pop the little shits' bubble.

 

[Settledownnow]

Gosh, I reread what I wrote and it sounds mean. I did not intend it to be mean. Just go with your nephew and have fun but there will be a price to pay for it no matter what you say to your kids. There are always consequences to everything. You have to be the grown-up because you are the dad (it sucks) but try to work on the relationship. I have no doubt you did the best you could to raise your kids given the situation with your ex with the relationship tools you had at the time. You are older and wiser now though. Perhaps next year or sometime in the future you can all have a great trip somewhere. I personally would not get super nick picky about confronting them about not saying "thank you" in the past, etc. as that is going to set up more conflict. There is no reason to engage in conflict or try to prove they were rude. They are grown up and they know this. They are carrying their own emotional baggage and doing the best they can also.