Dad is finally moving in with us

[DianaCox]

Unless it’s a head fake.

 

[JackieOnLine]

Unless it’s a head fake.

hope not.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Unless it’s a head fake.

In which case...you go online, make plane reservations, show up at “their” place to “take him out to lunch,” and get on a return flight.

He is obviously unable to remember or attend to the details. He won’t be any more confused by a lie (“we planned this a while back, Dad”) than he would be by the truth (“Actually, Dad, I’m kind of kidnapping you, but it’s okay because I’m your next of kin and, lately, the world has been a confusing place for you.”)

 

[Spiky Bugger]

yes, that brought tears to my eyes for sure.

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but my first thought is they had a really, really good life together and he didn't do the worst job possible with the ending. I mean, I feel like I understand his motivation.

I so agree.

As the owner of a failing body and the intermittent “misplacer” of the word I needed to complete the sentence in progress...and the SIL of a guy (six weeks older than I) who has made THREE ER visits in the past ten days...I am SURE that the torture of losing my mind would far surpass anything on the 1-10 Pain Scale.

My 71-year-old little sister apologized to her husband’s doctor today, something like...”I need to apologize for interrupting you. I want you to know that once your answer involves something I don’t understand, I need to ask RIGHT THEN because I’m having short term memory issues. If, I don’t ask right then, we have wasted your time and mine.”

But she’s my baby sister.

Anyway, I think it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of courage to do what the husband did. And...we have no idea what HIS health issues were, or how reliable the daughter was, or if Mom said, “Whatever happens, don’t leave me with THAT daughter.” Also, if the husband had his own cognitive issues, this act may have been the best he could figure.


Besides...what kind of crazy do you have to be to believe that “living” like that is somehow better than dying as soon as possible?

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Annnnnd....I just—5:06 am, happy new year— remembered this. I hope laws have changed, BUT...35+ years ago, there were Do-Gooders who roamed around assisted living/nursing home facilities “helping” people sign themselves out. The only way to stop them, at the time, was to gain conservatorship.

This got very messy. At one point, I had to impose upon friends at a nearby law enforcement agency, to leave their jurisdiction, go to the house my mother owned—where Mom and step-dad previously lived but which was rented out to others who wondered who the guy was who had just walked into their house—offer him a ride to meet up with Mom, and meet us at the assisted living place and have him sign himself back in.

in your spare time, you might find out how much autonomy Ted has in such matters.

 

[DianaCox]

Regarding the husband’s health in the article about the murder/suicide:
“The reports also noted that Mr. Shaver had metastatic tumors on his liver and kidneys and suffered from emphysema.”
Makes it more understandable.

Dad sent me this last night:
”I am getting ready. I have come to not only accept my move but looking forward to it. It took some time to recognize reality, the benefits that are coming and the pressures that will be gone. I will miss Sue but I will enjoy my new environment very quickly.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all that you have done. Thanks!!”

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

 

[bearmom]

Regarding the husband’s health in the article about the murder/suicide:
“The reports also noted that Mr. Shaver had metastatic tumors on his liver and kidneys and suffered from emphysema.”
Makes it more understandable.

Dad sent me this last night:
”I am getting ready. I have come to not only accept my move but looking forward to it. It took some time to recognize reality, the benefits that are coming and the pressures that will be gone. I will miss Sue but I will enjoy my new environment very quickly.

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all that you have done. Thanks!!”

Fingers crossed for tomorrow.

This is very good. Too many similar situations with declining abilities causing disfunction, and then unwillingness to move closer where we made accomodations and could provide a more comfortable situeation with my own parents/ grandparents. We've actually built a ada compatible house to move into with grandparents that they changed their mind as it sat empty for 2 years. When looking at it one day, grandpa looked at the above ground garden that you could sit while gardening (his addiction) and said he didn't know why they were dragging thier feet, so lets move. He died of a heart attack 3 weeks later. My parents said they would be much easier to deal with. If only my mother remembered saying that. Don't give LF an inch. Your dad has some time left to enjoy, and he should.

I don't think the situation in the article is that uncommon, but those things don't always get reported accurately. We had next door neighbors in Seatle years ago that were both killed in an otherwise safe neighborhood. The police went door to door warning us to lock up and add security. They said there were no signs of forced entry, nothing was taken, just both of them shot at the dining room table, and the gun beside him.

They were close friends with my grandparents, and disclosed she had recently had a diagnosis of parkinsons. They were elderly, were already relying on each ohter heavily as they had growing limitations. They'd been happily married 67 years. While the police were puzzling why anyone would kill such a beloved elderly couple, we all knew what really happened. I'm pretty sure their kids knew (though all out of town, and none were making offers to help in any way) but likely didn't want it publicised it was a murder suicide. We were pretty broken up about it at the time, but after thinking about it, they knew what they didn't want for a future, and made sure they went on their own terms. I wondered if their kids had stepped up to assist if it would have made thier choice different.

 

[DianaCox]

My father is 22 years older than I am. I’m watching all of this very carefully.

I can’t imaging offing myself with a gun, or wanting someone to do that for me. ODing on some nice opiates set aside from scripts I didn’t need all of would be my exit of choice. Go to sleep. Maybe the time between taking them and falling asleep would be terrible with doubt and regret, but I think that would be ok if someone was with me.

There are SO many variables though. It’s hard to imagine a particular situation.

 

[kirmy]

My Xmas present last night was my father’s ladyfriend finally making the travel arrangements for my father to move to AZ to come live with us - over 3 years after we moved here into a house with a suitable room for Dad, and not upgrading our RV and traveling for a couple of years as we had originally planned, because the ladyfriend insisted he was getting to be more trouble than he was worth (my words, but her sentiments) due to cognitive impairment.

However, every time her deadline came, she extended it another few months, messing with our plans. As she started deteriorating herself (going blind, mobility problems), her tolerance for his memory issues decreased (he was doing the shopping, cooking, being her companion); however, at the same time, her own cognitive issues - in particular loss of social filters, resulting in her already irritating superiority issues and self-importance being freely and frequently expressed - were making Dad miserable. When he forgot things, she berated him or got condescending; with service people, especially waitstaff, she is downright nasty at times, which he finds excruciatingly embarrassing. I got lots of phone calls from him during which I had to calm him down from being either or both of angry and crying. But he felt responsible for taking care of her, even though she had refused to marry him or make any promises about taking care of him after 15+ years together. (She has money, while he literally has nothing but Social Security and a VA pension.)

Over the last year, it was becoming clear that she needed to move into assisted living soon. Our original plans were that when we left California in mid-July after spending a couple of months away from the AZ summer heat, we would be taking him with us. She then reneged. Then he was going to come in August. Then early September so he could go in an RV trip with us. Then October. Then before Thanksgiving.

His ladyfriend finally put her condo on the market and had a deposit, and bought her place in a fancy assisted living facility (that would cost her money - THAT SHE HAS - to keep him with her). He was supposed to move here in December 11th. By then, I had made plans to have a family reunion the weekend of December 14th - my sister bought plane tickets, the kids had made arrangements, my brothers agreed to drive from LA - and then the sale of the condo fell through, and Dad suddenly didn’t want to leave. Normally, the ladyfriend makes all the decisions for him, and everything was already arranged (including a companion to fly with him who she was paying for, even though my son wanted to do it), but this time, she “deferred” to his wishes. After much wrangling (and Charles and me cussing and fuming offline), they finally agreed to have him come for 5 days, fly back, and come back here by the end of the year.

When he was here, it became clear that my fears had been substantially realized - Dad is considerably worse than he was last summer. He misplaced his hearing aids. He could not remember that we keep the drinks in a second fridge. He got confused about where his room was in our 2100 sq ft house. But we’re hoping that the extreme stress he is currently under is part of the reason for the exacerbation of his issues, and that he will improve when he gets here.

Family pic:
View attachment 2205

Dad agreed to return by the end of the year - my reason for this deadline (in addition to the concerns about how the stress was wearing on him) is that we have a perfect RV trip planned with our RV club January 8-13 - we’re going to the Lake Havasu Balloon Festival, only 180 miles away, and only 5 days, so a good test of whether RV travel will be enjoyable for him.

More infuriating deflection and delay has gone on for the past 10 days, but the date was finally set last night, under intense pressure by me. Dad will finally be moving here January 2nd.

Dad will be 89 in April. We will keep him here with us as long as it is feasible and safe for him. He has VA benefits, so when we can’t manage his care, we will place him in a facility near us where we can intensively monitor his care.

I’m looking forward to this for a number of reasons. I want him away from his ladyfriend, who is incapable of treating him kindly when she loses patience with his issues. He is also still mostly himself, and we have been roommates in the past and he is a mostly cheerful agreeable person, which hasn’t changed (I would have never been able to tolerate my mother in my home again, as she was the opposite). And I think that this will be good for Charles - he has been somewhat ill for the last couple of years, and now has severe liver issues; he has become more sedentary than he needs to be, and I’m hoping that helping to take care of Dad - who will need exercise, and there are many classes available for both of them here - will get him up and around too.

Or not - it’s a crapshoot, but I’m thinking positively.

Happy holidays to all!

well that is a **** show. I hope your Dad is settling in and feeling loved. The old lizard should fall off her fecking perch!

 

[DianaCox]

Not yet - this afternoon. Fingers, toes and eyes crossed that it goes smoothly. But feeling bad for Dad waking up for the last time with the woman he’s spent the last 15 years with ... it’s going to be rough on him, until his memory issues soften the blow.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I have a full day of work for a change and then go to the dentist for the start of my new crown, but will check in later hoping for good news.

There are SO many variables though. It’s hard to imagine a particular situation.

People should be allowed to plan their endings on their own terms, but of course when they take someone else's life first that is a whole different story.

but so understandable when you realize how little our society values cares for the very old/sick/helpless.

if we all knew that for the most part the people in long term care facilities (and group homes, and ALFs) were getting good care - that this was the RULE rather than the exception - we could make different decisions.

 

[hilary1617]

Thinking of you and your dad this morning Diana! Hope the day goes smoothly!

 

[DianaCox]

Per the GF, he’s on the way to or at the airport. I should have him in about 4 hours.

 

[DianaCox]

The eagle has landed.

 

[JackieOnLine]

whooHOO!



posting from the dentist, waiting to get numb.