Can't Catch a Break!

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I haven't been around for a while because I've been wallowing in self pity. The trend of becoming more cripple as the weight comes off continues.

My wound finally healed 2 days before my surgiversay and I was so excited to get on with things and get back into the pool and doing aquafit like I had done prior to my DS. Welllllll......that didn't go to plan!

Remember how one of my complaints was that I couldn't stand up straight post op? yeah, well, I still can't. I kept mentioning it to drs and physical therapists but I had other issues they were more concerned about. It got worse. My 3 minute showers became agony. My hip and knee on my left side repeatedly click/pop and then locks into place in the most agonising way. I also noticed my left leg is now significantly shorter than the right.....it wasn't before! WTH? I have terrible karma or something!

I had an X-Ray a couple of weeks ago. I no longer have a left hip socket. The femur is just jamming up, tilting my pelvis and causing all sorts of shit.

I went through some serious depression with this. I cannot seem to get a break. Everything in my journey has been such a struggle and fight to the death. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! I find it incredibly hard seeing everyone losing weight and getting active, carrying on with the life they've dreamed of, whereas I'm just as or even MORE housebound and immobile than I was at my highest weight.

I know it's hard to understand if you don't deal with chronic pain. The pain is overwhelming and uses up all your energy so when depression comes knocking, you have no fight left. My anti-depressants have been increased as I had a semi breakdown at my last GP appointment. I thought the point I made was fair. She keeps saying how well I have done and all I can think of...all of it for what? Crippling disability and total reliance on my husband as a carer? Fuck this. She kept saying how much healthier I was and I was like yeah, thats my complaint! I've extended my life span of misery. ugh. No one gets it.

I fought so long and so hard to get where I am. And I'm still kicking ass and taking names with the weight loss and I know my DS body like the back of my hand now. I just want to stomp my feet, but that would hurt and I can't stand that long anyhow.

Now I have to deal with the bureaucracy of trying to get my hip replaced as it's pretty much an emergency/urgent situation.....I mean, I don't have a socket for crying out loud!!! And I am just waiting for them to tell me that they need me to have my apronectomy first. On the NHS we are talking 3 years for all the above to happen with applying for funding and going on waiting lists.

I'm not suicidal or anything, but fuck. Was I Hitler in another life or some shit?! Where is my happy ending?


SEE! This is why I haven't been around. I'm not a ray of sunshine at the moment and I'm just focusing on the maybe, maybe someday I will be able to walk more than 10 feet.

I'm nearing the 200's now. I might even be there, but I'm scale fasting for the month of May so I don't know, but last time I was 313. How is it even possible that my activity level is the same as it was pre op?

On the plus side my GP has confirmed this effed up mess in genetic and from my families crappy genes. I seriously think my fat was holding my skeleton together. That doesn't make this any less depressing. Compared to where I started, I'm skinny! And cripple. Very cripple. Just standing so the hubz can take a photo of me causes agony.

I'm done whining. I'm sorry. This is why I've kept my head down and not spoken about myself much. i'm miserable and have this to look forward to for at least the next few years. Guess kids are out of the question now since I will be 37 soon.

Thanks for listening if you made it this far. I just want to cry.

 

[southernlady]

Okay, gave you a hug (gentle one) and yes, it does suck. It sucks BAD. You have been dealt a hell of a hand and have every right to be depressed and complain. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make it all better but I don't, so all I can do is offer a hug.

 

[Larra]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this! I hope your gp can somehow get you moved up on the list for a hip replacement. I think it would make a huge difference in your quality of life.
On the positive side (yes, there is a positive side!) if you had not lost weight, your hip would have only caved in that much sooner and you would have the same bad hip at a much higher weight and probably be unable to walk at all. And be higher risk for the hip replacement surgery, too, or maybe they would refuse to do it until you lost weight. I don't know how things work in the UK but that happens sometimes over here. The problem isn't the weight loss and the fat wasn't holding you together. You were headed down this road for a long time, and at least at your present weight it will be much, much easier for this problem to be fixed and for you to recover from the hip replacement. The problem now is getting you to the OR.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Okay, gave you a hug (gentle one) and yes, it does suck. It sucks BAD. You have been dealt a hell of a hand and have every right to be depressed and complain. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave and make it all better but I don't, so all I can do is offer a hug.

Thank you. It helps just knowing people don't think I'm a whiny baby. I really don't know what to do with myself. I've got so much energy yet I can't do anything! I just hope someday it was all worth it.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this! I hope your gp can somehow get you moved up on the list for a hip replacement. I think it would make a huge difference in your quality of life.
On the positive side (yes, there is a positive side!) if you had not lost weight, your hip would have only caved in that much sooner and you would have the same bad hip at a much higher weight and probably be unable to walk at all. And be higher risk for the hip replacement surgery, too, or maybe they would refuse to do it until you lost weight. I don't know how things work in the UK but that happens sometimes over here. The problem isn't the weight loss and the fat wasn't holding you together. You were headed down this road for a long time, and at least at your present weight it will be much, much easier for this problem to be fixed and for you to recover from the hip replacement. The problem now is getting you to the OR.

Well you say that, but I know several people who started out at or near my size who have zero issues. I watch my 600lb Life and get so jealous of their mobility.

ugh. I know it's cliche, but I've dealt with SOOOO MUCH so I think it's fair to ask why me? I know everyone has shit, but I seem to have A LOT of it for one person to handle. It's amazing I'm not in the looney bin!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I'm so sorry you are going through all this! I hope your gp can somehow get you moved up on the list for a hip replacement. I think it would make a huge difference in your quality of life.
On the positive side (yes, there is a positive side!) if you had not lost weight, your hip would have only caved in that much sooner and you would have the same bad hip at a much higher weight and probably be unable to walk at all. And be higher risk for the hip replacement surgery, too, or maybe they would refuse to do it until you lost weight. I don't know how things work in the UK but that happens sometimes over here. The problem isn't the weight loss and the fat wasn't holding you together. You were headed down this road for a long time, and at least at your present weight it will be much, much easier for this problem to be fixed and for you to recover from the hip replacement. The problem now is getting you to the OR.

Oh and to add about size and replacements.....that's why I had the DS. I had no severe pain like I do now pre VSG. All of this started around 150lbs lost. At that time I was told I would need to get to a bmi of 40.....pre sleeve I was like 98 so I had already come down to 68, but still wasn't good enough. So Im at 40 now and I still have a lot of waiting to do. There is no waiting list jumping on the NHS. I wish I was rich! Not even rich, just semi well off.

 

[Larra]

@DuodenalSwitchaRoo you're right. Life isn't fair. Not everyone has this issue no matter what their starting weight was. It's possible that you started life with a joint shaped such that it was doomed to failure earlier than someone else's. Maybe there was some long ago injury that seemed trivial at the time. who knows?!
I'm very sorry you are going through this, and can only encourage you to continue your excellent weight loss, take whatever meds you need to help you emotionally to deal with this setback, and hang in there. Your date will come. I wish I could transport you into the future to that date.

 

[DianaCox]

And complain/beg/demand - whatever you can - to be bumped up on the list due to the sudden severity of the condition of your hip socket. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm a big squeaky wheel fan, and I'd do it just for that reason alone.

 

[robs477]

Personally speaking, I don’t think you are whiny, I think you are very brave. Who the fuck knows why some people have it better than others? I tend to believe the Karma thing too, but I personally don’t believe Karma is all about getting retribution or payback, it’s about learning what is like to be a sum of ALL of your learned human experiences, good and bad. Bad shit happens too, but it’s not because you did something wrong. We all will learn what’s it’s like to have plenty, to have little, to have good, bad, pain, gain, etc. It’s all part of the soup of life and right now, you’re just on a crappy part, but it WILL GET BETTER! I promise! You have laid the foundation for a phenomenal recovery. As Larra said, they wouldn’t even consider you for surgery if you were still that MO. AND, AND, AND…did I say AND…..you know what the best part of this is???? YOU ARE STILL YOUNG!!!!!!!!! At 37 you can have this ALL done within a few yrs and have the whole rest of your life to live and ENJOY!!!

Fair…let’s talk about fair. I learned at a VERY young age that nature and life is NOT fair. You know what taught me that, I was about six. Watching National Geographic and seeing the lions hunt the weak, the young and the old. NOPE, things are NOT fair. Fair is conceptual and goes against the laws of nature! So, forget that word and lets figure out how to fix you?? OK??? WE can do this together!

How much is hip replacement surgery? I hadn’t had time to google it yet. Can’t we start a worldwide fund, like on gofundme or something?? I’ll be the first to donate.

One thing I learned when I was right around your age….Failure is NOT an option and there is always a solution to every problem! As a result of that way of thinking, and how I live my life, I never fail at anything, even when I fail, if that makes sense?

Again, I think you are very brave and I/we are ALL in your corner. Rob

 

[star0210]

Oh I think you are entitled for some self pity, bitchiness, whatever you want to call it. I live with chronic pain too...but not as bad as yours. I refuse to take anything stronger than prescription NSAIDS for it...but I do understand how exhausting it is. It just wears you down physically and emotionally.

So how does the system work over there? If your hip issue is an emergency/urgent situation....what happens? You still have to wait years on a waiting list? What are the options?

 

[SJB41976]

(((hugs))) I don't know everything you have been through, but the last year I have experienced chronic pain, a knee procedure and found out I have ortho-arthritis in both feet and now have to wear inserts. This doesn't compare to ANYTHING you are going through, except remembering how depressed I was last year when I lived at the orthopedic doc's office and just how frustrating it was to not. feel. well. ever. Ugh!!!!

I am so sorry. Whine away. I hope you feel better from sharing some of your pain. It always helps to get it out.

 

[Debbie]

Gentle hug for you! It is good to vent especially here. I just finished preop and waiting on a surgery date for the DS with Dr. Greenbaum. I have progressive RA, Fibro, PCOS & another disease called Hidrenatis Suppurativa. I am also in pain daily I thought once I was diagnosed and on medication life would get better - I am worse off than when I was diagnosed 4years ago. I am hoping that the DS will help - but understand it may be minimal. Every day is a struggle. Hope you get approved for surgery quickly.

By the way I had my first child at 20 and my second "miracle" at 40 - you are not too old!

God Bless you and keep up the fight!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Thank you so much for letting me vent and virtually stomp my feet. Validation helps. Yesterday was rough as I had a GP appointment scheduled and whilst on the way I received a phone call cancelling my appointment as my GP was sick. So I was in pain from getting ready and feeling upset that another set back had happened. The NHS is stressed and it takes ages to get a GP appointment. So now it's the first week in June. *sigh*

@robs477 thank you for your kind words and offer to donate. I could not accept money with a clear conscious when I can get things sorted for the price of a long wait whilst so many other have absolutely no options.

@star0210 an urgent situation only means you get an appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon rather than just being told to deal with it lol. I'm only stressed about it because if I wait the 8 months to see the O.S. then they say they can't fix the hip without me having an apronectomy, that's 6 months of fighting for funding ahead, plus several months of waiting for an appointment with a plastic surgeon, only to be told (probably) that I need to be at my lowest weight and hold it for 6 months.....more waiting. See a pattern? lol. I am 100% thankful for the NHS, but my word, it costs a lot in time!

@DianaCox I have become a good squeaky wheel. Between myself and my husband we are unstoppable, but it all still takes time. Just to get to see a surgeon at all for WLS we had to write letters to our MP to force the hand of my then GP (total wanker!). I have the temper and my husband has the level head and an ability to craftily write a bitchy letter that is very professional.

@Debbie thank you. I really hope it's not too late. My life feels empty, like I don't have a reason to live. I know it sounds so silly! I spent forever not wanting kids and then that changed in my late 20's but things didn't work out due to size and situation. I really hope to have a child with only 2 legs some day

And to those I didn't tag directly, thank you for the hugs and encouragement.

So now that it's a new day, I can focus on the positives of my situation....and yes, I can find a few.

1) I'm on fentanyl patches. This means 2 things: 1.) I cannot drink alcohol without risking neurological damage (no thanks!) and 2.) I no longer take pure codeine (codeine phosphate) by the fist full. These two things are a bonus as I don't have to worry about transfer addiction!

2) I see relationships after WLS (seems worse after DS) falling to pieces. My husband likes large women. Really large. He'd have to, to have fallen in love with me lol. And it's been a concern of mine that things would change between us even though he swears up and down that it won't as he loves me for me. Attraction is was lead him to me, but his love for me goes beyond looks. I think me being cripple is kinda helping the transition to a new life. (I doing a terrible job at explaining my thoughts lol) My husband is not an enabler, but he loves to care/do for me. I think this time has allowed for both of us to get used to my new size without much change to his role. Maybe it would have been too much (independence and everything else that comes to most with fast weight loss) to cope with.

I know that sounds daft, but even though Im not religious, I hold dear the thought that everything happens for a reason. And for the past 6 months I have been trying to figure out the reasons. The above reasons are what I have come up with so far: to prevent addiction (also runs in my gene pool) and to ease the transition to a different life for me and my husband.

I love my DS and fought tooth and nail to finally get here that even with all this bullshit, it's still been worth it and I've not had a moment of regret. The years....YEARS of fighting, the complications, the crippilisation (hey I made a new word!) are all a part of my story. Maybe someday when it's all said and done I can fulfil my secret dream of becoming a motivational speaker/writer. It's still tough to be in the middle of it all, but I do hold out hope that things won't always be this shitty.

As a bonus, even with all of this physical crap and depression, my bipolar shit seems to be still controlled. I know that's confusing lol, but my depression is 100% situational. I'm ok within myself, I just feel like crud physically.

You guys are awesome. Thanks for not giving me crap for throwing a tantrum lol. Sometimes a tantrum is exactly what the soul needs.

 

[more2adore]

If ever anyone had a reason for a tantrum, it's you, my friend. <3 HUGS. I wish I could do more than give virtual support. You deserve so much better than your'e getting right now!

 

[newanatomy]

I hope that you can get the help you need as soon as possible! I know you really wanted a different life with your DS than you are getting. I hate comparisons, as in "look how much better off you are compared to the starving kids in Africa", as if the fact that you have it better than a starving child in Africa is supposed to make you feel better, stupid! Just as bad, "it could be worse". So the fuck what! I don't care if it would be worse! It's pretty bad now! However, you are equipped for the battles of your ailments. Honey, you have brains! I would take brains over any other physical attribute. You are able to keep yourself occupied and grounded because you have intelligence. You've got this!