There is a light that never goes out.

[kirmy]

Introspection. It is good for you right? Allegedly…it also takes you weird places. For example I was thinking about myself as a form of currency yesterday. I am a woman of reasonable attractiveness. People feel open to comment on how my appearance is i.e. you look much prettier with less make up etc. Now if I went up to a guy and said “you’re much more attractive when you have less facial hair” would that cause offence? Musings. There is a sort of attractiveness league table of horse trading going on in society.

This got me thinking about my currency as a fat girl. I didn’t rate very highly in the scheme of things. I judged my net worth based on this exchange and accepted what I thought was my value. This led me to be with cruel and dismissive men. Some relationship high lights from the Hindenburg relationship disasters of Kirmy are:

• This guy went on to declare he wanted to have an open relationship and slept with a girl in our house while I snoozed in the next room. The said girl was having a psychotic break at the time and was hospitalised the next day. He went on to be a massive train crash of a person but we lived together for two years. He slept with other people. I hurt. He bought a gun. He told me he thought of using it. We broke up. Net worth $1.00
• Next was a hostile man who thought I was a port in a storm. He told me one day he wanted to break my arm. This gem landed me homeless and pregnant. I was actually so emotionally beaten down by this sociopath that I stuck about enduring his wrath. He left. I scraped myself up and continued University. Net worth =overdrawn
• The next man I married. He was also fat so we felt a companionable solace. We also got very ill and co-dependant. I was worth something right? I picked myself up and lost 12 stone in weight and ceased the substance abuse that blighted my life. He did not. I left. He stalked. I ran. Net Worth= more than this shit!
• The next decade was peppered with short shit relationships like trying on poorly fitting suits. I lived by myself in a foreign country finding my own way. Soon I decided to hold my own hand. Bit by bit I decided I mattered enough to not settle for hurt. I lived this. I preferred my own company in time and it didn’t scare me. I was also lonely.
• I met David and thought he was gay. He made me laugh and was kind but not the kind of guy I went out with. Yeh look at the kind of guy I did go out with FFS! I asked him out. He said no. I told him to go fuck himself as I was worth two of him! He agreed. It’s been about 7 years now and he is still the sweetest kindest man I’ve ever known. He still thinks I’m worth two of him. I know I’m not, I’m worthy of him and he’s worthy of me. We celebrated our anniversary recently by buying a house.

Now as a slim fit woman my worth is discussed amongst the work force. I hear comments like “you couldn’t pull her” (translation: you’re not good enough or high enough on the looks table to attract her); “she wouldn’t go out with you” (you’re too ugly). All the while 25 stone Kirmy sits in my brain and tells me…nah you’re sure as shit not all that. Too right.

So I wonder how you value yourself? Do you let cruel people define you? Do you measure yourself against the cruel societal expectations on gender and attractiveness?

I know this; I matter. I matter because I love and give and aspire to be happy. If anyone tells me I’m not worthy of these things then I step over them on my quest for happiness and leave them in their darkness. I make the rules. I set the bar. I embrace my values. This brings me peace.


You are worth more than the limited expectations of others. It is up to you to forge your own path.

 

[MyNewLife]

Wow. Thanks for being you. Forge on Kirmy girl!!

 

[JackieOnLine]

I love this post.

 

[kirstabelle]

Brave post Kirmy. It has got me thinking about the tragic relationships I have had in the past.
Not quite ready to detail them, although I don't know why not since your post has not made me judge you.
What I will say it that I now have a skewed view of relationships. Having put up with crap for so long, I don't know what 'normal' is.
I don't know if my expectations are high/low/realistic.
I am damaged but I am a long, long way from where I was. It takes hard work but I like myself far more than I ever have and that is the most important thing, I guess.

 

[kirmy]

Well there is this phenomenon where former fatties drop weight and suddenly break up with their spouses. There is an entire lifetime of changing perspective to deal with once you are no longer able to identify with being fat. It often doesn't sit well with the more hostile partners out there. The thing is taking control of your weight means taking control of your life. All of your life. Sometimes you need to open the windows to let a little fresh air in.

 

[Munchkin]

Well there is this phenomenon where former fatties drop weight and suddenly break up with their spouses. There is an entire lifetime of changing perspective to deal with once you are no longer able to identify with being fat. It often doesn't sit well with the more hostile partners out there. The thing is taking control of your weight means taking control of your life. All of your life. Sometimes you need to open the windows to let a little fresh air in.

I never thought there was much about it that was 'sudden'. All too often it was because the formerly fat person settled for less than what they were worth. Many times the relationships were abusive in one way or another. And not all abuse leaves physical marks. Fatties are led to believe these relationships are what they deserve. And the best to which they can aspire.

I grew up fat. I was the one sitting home reading a book or doing chores while others were out enjoying their youth. I was always thankful I had a brain. But many times I wished I could see what it was like to be attractive. One of my fondest fantasies was waking up one day as a '10'. Probably a good thing that never happened because I spent a lot of time wreaking havoc and was quite vengeful. But it was my fantasy and I could do as I pleased! I've always said my big regret was not having surgery when I was young. I'm sure my life would have been totally different. Maybe not better, but different. There's no doubt my size played a huge part in making me who I am today.

Color me grateful for getting a bit of a do over. I got to live my 50's as a pretty normal size woman. Naked, I'm a six breasted wonder of a trainwreck, but in clothes pretty normal. I was in a casino one day, in knee length shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops and a total stranger walked up and told me I had the best legs in the place. And just walked away. Thinking about that moment still makes me cry. For all kinds of stupid puerile reasons. Once in my life I got to experience a compliment from a stranger with no BUT attached. Someone actually perceived ME to be attractive. I will never forget that moment.

Men. I hate them and love them.

 

[brooklyngirl]

@kirmy I couldn't possibly love your post any more! It rings so true with my history of allowing myself to be in horrid romantic relationships because I thought that's all I deserved and/or all I could get. When I met my husband, my first thought was that he's not my type, but what did "my type" ever get me before??? The struggle is real. And it doesn't go away so easily either.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Color me grateful for getting a bit of a do over. I got to live my 50's as a pretty normal size woman. Naked, I'm a six breasted wonder of a trainwreck, but in clothes pretty normal. I was in a casino one day, in knee length shorts, t-shirt, and flip flops and a total stranger walked up and told me I had the best legs in the place. And just walked away. Thinking about that moment still makes me cry. For all kinds of stupid puerile reasons. Once in my life I got to experience a compliment from a stranger with no BUT attached. Someone actually perceived ME to be attractive. I will never forget that moment.

Men. I hate them and love them.

And this just broke my heart!

 

[bearmom]

Too much here that resonates with me.

I always told myself that my worth was not what my weight or treatment by others dictated, but I never believed myself.

 

[DianaCox]

Munchkin isn't kidding about her legs:

 

[Munchkin]

Munchkin isn't kidding about her legs:

An old bag like me shouldn't have those....

 

[Jo777]

I swear someday I'm going to print all your posts out on paper, and bind them all pretty.

 

[newanatomy]

Munchkin isn't kidding about her legs:

These are truly her legs?! Gorgeous!!!

 

[Munchkin]

These are truly her legs?! Gorgeous!!!

Taken in my own backyard!

 

[newanatomy]

Absolutely stunning! I have tree trunks so, I am pea green with envy! How can you call yourself still "fat"? No-one "fat" owns those gams!