The fat shaming, body shaming, food policing continues...

[DianaCox]

My mother and I didn't get along well when I was growing up, but as she was morbidly obese most of the time, she was sensitive (in her way) to not shaming us (I was always on the sturdy to plump side; my sister was overweight from infancy and heavier than me) - she tried to help us not get fat(ter), to no avail.

Fast forward to her living with me when I had two kids - my daughter was a pre-teen - and she had not just accepted her MOness, but embraced it. I was trying to get my daughter through puberty without the weight gain I had experienced, by careful cooking and grocery choices. And I found out my mother was buying chips for my daughter behind my back, and telling her to hide them from me under her bed. My daughter gained 30 lbs (and 8" in height) during the 18 months mom lived with us. I will never forgive her for that.

My daughter is now about 50-60 lbs overweight (5'1"), just got married, will be 35 this year, and has reproductive issues due to stage 4 endometriosis. She has embryos on ice (with her husband), but needs to have surgery to remove about a dozen fibroids, plus an umbilical hernia, and has chronic knee issues which may need surgery. And guess what the doctors are telling her she needs to do first? If my mother were not already becoming so demented there's no point in trying to talk with her about it, I'd be giving her an earful.

At least we know what she can do to fix it, once it gets worse after pregnancy (assuming that ever is possible).

 

[JackieOnLine]

Larra is right: this isn't really surprising at all because your Mom is wrong. the fact that it surprised you tells us that, deep down, you think what she has to say has some merit.

But! now that it's about your daughter you can SEE it has no merit whatsoever - and the same for what she says about you.

what might a holiday look like where you didn't visit? of course, she is your Mom so you'll have her voice in your head anyway.

so maybe you could practice watching her say horrible stuff, shaking your head sadly, and saying "yes, but you don't even get how perfect your grand daughter is" as if it nulls out whatever she said. because it does.

 

[Munchkin]

So many things come to mind - fortunately, as many problems as I have with my mother, this was not one of them (although I do blame her for my initial transition from plumpish to obese when I was in high school, which was because she took me to a "health food doctor" to try to treat my thyroid problems, and the quack told her to take me off thyroxine cold turkey and I gained 30 lbs in one month - she had good intentions but was stupid about science and medicine, and was looking for a natural fix for the genetic weight issues most of us had).

Anyway, my first thought was that you should write her an email or letter that goes something like this:

Dear Mom,

After our recent phone conversation - which I found extremely upsetting and offensive, as I always do when you inevitably and compulsively comment about my body - I wrote on a private support message board a long emotional essay about what I have experienced my whole life with you regarding these issues. I did not write it intending for you to read it, but members of this board - who have also struggled with their weight and the emotional issues which accompany being judged their whole lives - encouraged me to send this to you, raw and unedited, as it came directly from my heart.

[insert your post]

I have reached a point in my life, finally, where I no longer feel the need to tolerate your abuse, whether or not it was "intentional." To the extent that you are somehow cluelessly unaware of the nature of the pervasive hateful abuse you have inflicted upon me and my sister, and have transmitted and endorsed the "normality" of such behavior to my brother, I consider this essay your official notice that what you have done and continue to do is unacceptable and intolerable, and that you must cease and desist IMMEDIATELY.

If this essay does not move you to be shocked, appalled and horrified at what you have done to me and my sister our entire lives, and at least ACKNOWLEDGE (if not profusely and heartfeltly apologize for) this, and promise to never EVER let another comment about my body (positive OR negative - I don't want to hear ANYTHING from you on this topic!) escape your mouth ever again, I am afraid that I will not be attending Thanksgiving or any other event with you ever again, with the possible exception of your funeral.

Words matter - and can hurt far worse than sticks and stones. I am done with your casual cruelty, and will not allow you to hurt me or your granddaughter (who of COURSE has been aware of the appalling things you say since she was a child) ever again.

I acknowledge that by not saying anything before, I was complicit in allowing you to do this. But no more.

Think before you respond. I don't want to hear your self-serving justifications and explanations - you MUST simply accept that what you have done has been hurtful and destructive, whether you meant it or not, promise to never mention this issue ever again, and preferably but not necessarily (because I suspect you are incapable of doing so honestly), apologize for the hurt you have caused.

I love you, and always will. But I hope you love me enough to STOP, and make the rest of our years together loving - and indeed possible at all.
​

I don't KNOW that that's a good idea, but man, that's what I'd WANT to do.

Here we have it. A cease and desist letter that starts out Dear Mom...

 

[bearmom]

Oh gosh. That was so nicely written, but so painful to read. I'm sorry. Many things rang true in what you wrote for me as well, and I understand needing to address this with family, that may or may not be open to dealing.

I've had mixed success addressing similar with my family, so I'll tell you how that turned out. My mom was not like yours, but just gave me the "fat" message by continually trying me on new diets when I was a child. What truly did harm, was one sister who was closest in age (I was youngest of 6, but first chubby kid) that I had looked up to, tormented me daily about my weight, whether waiting till friends came over so she could insult me in front of them, or just insisting she measure something on my body to declare how much larger it was was than the comparable body part on her. My mom looked the other way, and when she saw this behavior, didn't correct it. I was fortunate enough I didn't endure this from other kids, but this pretty much daily **** at home was enough to set me up with a lifetime of eating disorders, anorexia and body dysmorphia.

Fast forward to my early 40's and I decided to have surgery, I brought up the fat shaming issues with them, and have to admit that at the time, their responses only made me angrier. Both mother and that sister dismissed it, and while mom gets a bit of a pass due to failing memory, I know she isn't a person to accept responsibility for anything anyway. She has never been capable, and is less so as cognition gets worse. The sister claims little memory of it, but I also know she started doing various drugs in her teens, and she has missing memories of LOTS of things that the rest of the family recalls, and we figure that may be a factor. The sister has kids of her own that have dealt with bullying and stressing over weight, and she clearly does what she can to teach them consideration of others, and healthy body issues, so she at least has learned at some point, and isn't allowing damaging behavior to repeat in subsequent generations. That makes it OK for me. A few nieces and nephews still do have some judgey issues, and I choose to not be involved with them, and they are adults now so easy to avoid.

All said and done, it was worth it for me to address it with them, but I know that no real acceptance of the issues, and possibly avoiding seeing relatives may not be a worthwhile outcome for some people. I'll also say, that with the weight thing now, whether any family member "gets it" or has issue or not with any of my choices, they at least understand to shut the **** up about it (so you also have to be OK with thinking "I know you're a judgmental POS, but if you keep your pie hole shut, I'll tolerate you in my presence").

Whatever you do, I hope you have a more satisfying resolution.

 

[writegirl]

My daughter is now about 50-60 lbs overweight (5'1"), just got married, will be 35 this year, and has reproductive issues due to stage 4 endometriosis. She has embryos on ice (with her husband), but needs to have surgery to remove about a dozen fibroids, plus an umbilical hernia, and has chronic knee issues which may need surgery. And guess what the doctors are telling her she needs to do first? If my mother were not already becoming so demented there's no point in trying to talk with her about it, I'd be giving her an earful.

At least we know what she can do to fix it, once it gets worse after pregnancy (assuming that ever is possible).

I had trouble conceiving, too. In fact, I've had several miscarriages--two before getting pregnant with my daughter. My sister had endometriosis and it was bad, although I do not know what stage. She eventually conceived. I conceived after I had massive fibroids removed. It took about three months after surgery. I wasn't expecting to get pregnant and I was certainly not expecting to carry to term. In fact, I went into pre-term labor enough that I had to spend 5 months on bed rest. No matter the difficulty, often a way will make itself. I am not sure if losing weight helped me get pregnant or keep the pregnancy. What your mom did to your daughter is maddening stuff. I think sometimes people just do not see the harm they're doing to others. It's not an excuse for what they do, but it seems like so many people go through life just not taking how they may hurt others into account.

 

[writegirl]

Larra is right: this isn't really surprising at all because your Mom is wrong. the fact that it surprised you tells us that, deep down, you think what she has to say has some merit.

But! now that it's about your daughter you can SEE it has no merit whatsoever - and the same for what she says about you.

what might a holiday look like where you didn't visit? of course, she is your Mom so you'll have her voice in your head anyway.

so maybe you could practice watching her say horrible stuff, shaking your head sadly, and saying "yes, but you don't even get how perfect your grand daughter is" as if it nulls out whatever she said. because it does.

The reason it surprised me is that my mother and father are always gushing over my daughter. My daughter is the one perfect thing I've ever done in their eyes. I think my mother just doesn't realize that her words and snide judgements do harm. Maybe she has skinny bitch syndrome? I don't know. I had never seen her say anything negative to my daughter and because my daughter is physically perfect, I did not expect that she would do the same thing to her that she did to me. Oh, and "deep down" I do NOT think what my mom says "has merit." I've always known she was bashing me and I've always realized it was about some failing or weakness in her, not me, that caused her to lash out at me. In fact, I think that she tries to cut me down because I am so strong--I've always been tough--I had to be given the way my family is. My oldest sister grew up in a much different house than I did. She and my mother are like best friends. Still, my oldest sister also needed WLS and she was a heavy heavy-weight. I am sure my mother did the same fat shaming **** to her when she was younger--she was fat from childhood. I'm sure it killed my mother to have her firstborn be a chunky girl.

I love your internal dialogue suggestion. I'll definitely use that

 

[writegirl]

Oh gosh. That was so nicely written, but so painful to read. I'm sorry. Many things rang true in what you wrote for me as well, and I understand needing to address this with family, that may or may not be open to dealing.

I've had mixed success addressing similar with my family, so I'll tell you how that turned out. My mom was not like yours, but just gave me the "fat" message by continually trying me on new diets when I was a child. What truly did harm, was one sister who was closest in age (I was youngest of 6, but first chubby kid) that I had looked up to, tormented me daily about my weight, whether waiting till friends came over so she could insult me in front of them, or just insisting she measure something on my body to declare how much larger it was was than the comparable body part on her. My mom looked the other way, and when she saw this behavior, didn't correct it. I was fortunate enough I didn't endure this from other kids, but this pretty much daily **** at home was enough to set me up with a lifetime of eating disorders, anorexia and body dysmorphia.

Fast forward to my early 40's and I decided to have surgery, I brought up the fat shaming issues with them, and have to admit that at the time, their responses only made me angrier. Both mother and that sister dismissed it, and while mom gets a bit of a pass due to failing memory, I know she isn't a person to accept responsibility for anything anyway. She has never been capable, and is less so as cognition gets worse. The sister claims little memory of it, but I also know she started doing various drugs in her teens, and she has missing memories of LOTS of things that the rest of the family recalls, and we figure that may be a factor. The sister has kids of her own that have dealt with bullying and stressing over weight, and she clearly does what she can to teach them consideration of others, and healthy body issues, so she at least has learned at some point, and isn't allowing damaging behavior to repeat in subsequent generations. That makes it OK for me. A few nieces and nephews still do have some judgey issues, and I choose to not be involved with them, and they are adults now so easy to avoid.

All said and done, it was worth it for me to address it with them, but I know that no real acceptance of the issues, and possibly avoiding seeing relatives may not be a worthwhile outcome for some people. I'll also say, that with the weight thing now, whether any family member "gets it" or has issue or not with any of my choices, they at least understand to shut the **** up about it (so you also have to be OK with thinking "I know you're a judgmental POS, but if you keep your pie hole shut, I'll tolerate you in my presence").

Whatever you do, I hope you have a more satisfying resolution.

Wow, we do have similar experiences--especially with an ******* sibling who got away with fat shaming. My brother was younger than me, the babied only boy, and a complete and utter MONSTER as a child, a teen, a young man in adult life. We have had multiple fallings out. The only reason I tolerate him is because my parents are old people and my dad wants his family "together." The sad thing is that we've never been "together." We just do not live the same lives. My brother chilled out with me somewhat after a bad motorcycle accident where I was the one to stand with him in a shower and clean his disgusting gravel-filled road rash and the burns on his legs. My mother couldn't do it. My sisters were bloody useless. His wife at the time proved to be a complete wimp who couldn't face what happened. I've actually saved his life more than once since we were children and he knows it, so in a weird way, I think he does love me. I don't actually care if he does, though. I can't forgive the years of abuse. He's good to my daughter, so I put up with his outbursts and tantrums. Narcissism gets really pathetic and ugly on a 45 year old man. I pity him.

I do have to see my folks at holidays. Perhaps they'll be more accepting now that I am losing weight. I can't really say how they'll react. I've decided that if my weight comes up, I'll allow them to acknowledge my progress, but I will not allow them to criticize me. I'm just not dealing with that crap anymore.

 

[writegirl]

The only thing that surprises me about this is that you're so surprised. Your mother is who she is. No matter how many times you have spoken to her about this issue or will in the future, she isn't going to change, and she is either oblivious to the harm she has caused (and is still causing) to you and your daughter or she just doesn't care. Please protect both yourself and your daughter from further damage by avoiding her, because there is nothing else you can do to alter this destructive pattern of behavior.

The reason I was surprised she was fat shaming my daughter is because she and my dad always gush over my daughter. They've always been so loving with her. It's a different relationship than I ever had with them, but they are really great grandparents with my daughter. That said, I can totally see your point. I should have seen that crap coming and prepared my daughter better. I can avoid my mother most of the year since we live two states away. However, Thanksgiving and Christmas are command performances. I'll just need to be very on guard while we're there and I'll do my best to get my daughter out of the house and out doing things more.

 

[RainCity]

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I do have to see my folks at holidays. Perhaps they'll be more accepting now that I am losing weight. I can't really say how they'll react. I've decided that if my weight comes up, I'll allow them to acknowledge my progress, but I will not allow them to criticize me. I'm just not dealing with that crap anymore.

I’m worried that you’re still expecting or hoping for a decent reaction to your weight loss which may very well not happen. Are you truly prepared for that?