The fat shaming, body shaming, food policing continues...

[Munchkin]

It's so funny you mentioned a worry that your kids would be fat--I had that same concern. Thankfully, my daughter's sperm donor of a "father" was 6'4 and she has his family's height. So, she looks like a supermodel with long legs and a perfect body. I've always told her that she is beautiful and always will be no matter what. I'm just glad she's free of the body image issues I had when I was growing up. Here's a pic of her with some of her sorority sisters, she's the tall gorgeous one on the far left. I don't even know how someone that stunning came from me lol.

You're right! She is beautiful!

 

[southernlady]

She is a beauty!

I look like my grandmother (yes, the same one). My grandfather was tall and slender. Some of the resulting generations are tall and slim, never having to think about their weight, the rest of us are all of varying degrees of overweight to SMO. Genetics is a bitch when the good ones are not in the hand you were dealt.

 

[CaitlynR]

My son is getting heavy

Besides encouraging healthy eating and exercise, along with unconditional acceptance and love, I’m at a loss of what to do to prevent it getting worse.

It feels inevitable that he gets morbidly obese.

 

[southernlady]

My son is getting heavy

Besides encouraging healthy eating and exercise, along with unconditional acceptance and love, I’m at a loss of what to do to prevent it getting worse.

It feels inevitable that he gets morbidly obese.

Just be an example. Altho he does need to know that healthy eating for you as a DSer is not what typical healthy eating is.

You can't control his entire life but if he doesn't have junk food or soda in the house and ONLY gets weighed at doctor appts, you can control what you can. One thing I did for my youngest whose genetics are against her was support her activities, avoid being the food police, and keep the scale out of the house. Instead I encouraged her to go by clothing size. And by how she felt. It must have worked cause at 34, she is still slim and active.

 

[JackieOnLine]

Tori that was a heartbreaking post

I'm so sorry your mother has been so awful and that she is going to keep on being that way, looks like. if you ever want someone to tell her off on this subject, by god I will be very willing to call her and it will sound a lot like Diana's post, but not as organized.

what do you plan on doing when she says something hateful? because I expect she will. on a holiday!

Liz, I once found a photo of me from when I was about 9 and I was SLENDER. I was shocked - I got plump around puberty but I know I THOUGHT I had always been fat. I was blown away that I was completely wrong.

 

[southernlady]

Liz, I once found a photo of me from when I was about 9 and I was SLENDER. I was shocked - I got plump around puberty but I know I THOUGHT I had always been fat. I was blown away that I was completely wrong.

I KNEW when mine hit...

 

[writegirl]

​

I don't KNOW that that's a good idea, but man, that's what I'd WANT to do.

Damn, I would love to have a moment when the woman actually heard me or saw me, but even sending something as eloquent as what you've suggested would be lost on her. She would never understand and accuse me of trying to blame her for my problems. One thing my parents have taught me well is that it's useless to try to have a real discussion with them about any part of my life. They are fantastic people in so many ways, and I do know that my mom has done the best that she knew how to do as a parent (she and her own mother had a falling out and my mother never spoke to the woman again till she was on her deathbed). Like your mother, mine is also stupid about science and medicine and so many other things. She's one of those people who knows nothing or little about a given subject, yet she forms an opinion and will argue her point, no matter how wrong she may be. I chalk some of that up to her being an undiagnosed dyslexic herself. That said, she has a mean edge to her much of the time and it's getting worse as she's aging and getting more frustrated with my psycho family. She's always taken her anger out on me. Once, at a party my sister was throwing at her house, my mom misinterpreted joking between me and my sister as an argument. In front of everyone there and with no warning, she punched me in my the face. I was 21. The next morning I confronted her about it in front of my father and told her that I am not her punching bag and if she ever hit me again, she would lose me forever because I would never speak to her again. Then I told her that she's not the only one who can walk away from her mother and she was a great role model for me on how to never speak to my mother again.

She never did hit me again. Instead, it's been near constant criticism and the the comments about my body. I love her, but I will never identify with her.

 

[writegirl]

Tori that was a heartbreaking post

I'm so sorry your mother has been so awful and that she is going to keep on being that way, looks like. if you ever want someone to tell her off on this subject, by god I will be very willing to call her and it will sound a lot like Diana's post, but not as organized.

what do you plan on doing when she says something hateful? because I expect she will. on a holiday!

Liz, I once found a photo of me from when I was about 9 and I was SLENDER. I was shocked - I got plump around puberty but I know I THOUGHT I had always been fat. I was blown away that I was completely wrong.

Thank you for that. I haven't thought about how to respond to her. When she went off on that who tangent about how I'll never lose my ass and my hips, I did tell her that I don't want to, that I like my curves and I wouldn't want to be one of those women who look like a stick. That was my way of jabbing back, since that describes her body. But, I really do not want it to become a sparring contest of lobbing insults back and forth with her. I just want her to shut the **** up. Maybe that is what I'll say: Shut the **** up.

 

[writegirl]

My son is getting heavy

Besides encouraging healthy eating and exercise, along with unconditional acceptance and love, I’m at a loss of what to do to prevent it getting worse.

It feels inevitable that he gets morbidly obese.

How old is he? Does he live with you or nearby? Can you take up an activity with him? One of my friends just finished a 10K with her daughter. It looked like they had a great time. They were both out of shape when they started training for it. Another friend does kickboxing lessons with her 20 year old son. Even just hiking or walking together could be fun.

 

[CaitlynR]

He is 8 and lives with me and my husband. We do go on family walks with our dogs which he enjoys. My husband goes swimming with him which he really enjoys (I am not a fan of swimming).

At this point a 10k feels impossible but maybe will feel more of a possibility once I lose some weight and get better in shape. I used to hike for several miles but even going a mile right now feels like a stretch. Lack of exercise is so easy for me as my job is sedentary, long, and stressful and my interests are sedentary. I trying to use the surgery to force some aspects of my life to change including moving more.

My husband and I are also really wanting my change in diet to help them change. The changes include rare fast food (something my husband bought a lot of) and rare sugary/bread things (which was my thing). We ate too many nights of frozen pizza, frozen fries, etc. I successfully convinced him sodas are only for special occasions. However my husband often buys him sodas and gatorades. I talked to my husband about this but it keeps happening, with him buying himself them too. I am afraid if I push my husband too hard on this it will come across and judging them both, so it’s hard. I work long hours and my husband part time and only during school hours or weekends, so there are many meals without me. I am out of the house before they eat breakfast and sometimes I learn later my husband bought him fast food breakfast and they ate it in the car (something I am really against).

Our plan is to have one meat with dinner that we can all eat, and a vegetable that I have a small amount of and they have a large amount of. I somewhat play up my grief over not being able to eat things like frozen pizzas and fries, as my son loves these things, but is such a kind kid won’t insist on foods I can’t have but used to enjoy. He is picky though lately and doesn’t really want veggies, he wants those fries or tater tots and so on, so often he just eats the meat and then has a snack later (which I insist be healthy, so he chooses a piece of fruit or a yogurt). It’s hard to impart the importance of healthy choices while not overly focusing on weight or feeling like I’m judging less healthy choices.

I was not overweight as a young kid. As soon as puberty hit, though, so did the weight gain. My brother, on the other hand, was heavy young and suffered greatly from teasing and bullying and even comments from teachers. It was awful for him, and I think that influenced his decision to use drugs as a teen and start one of many downward spirals. My dad was a career military and had huge problems staying within the guidelines. I remember at least a handful of times he did very unhealthy things to lose weight quickly so he would meet regs (sweat suits, diuretics, laxatives, excessive excersize, temporary starvation). My mom was the worst as a role model for weight. She never made comments judging me or my brother. However she made comments about herself all the time. She would wear long sleeves and pants year round out of embarrassment for her weight. She didn’t want to go places or me have friends over because she didn’t want people to see her she felt so fat. She yo yo dieted and during diets exercised (in my opinion) excessive amounts. I was the thin “good” one until I wasn’t. Then it was sort of an attitude of it is such a shame, she is as bad as we are (mom and brother mostly). I won’t blame anyone for my choices. But I think these dynamics contributed to my problems. Weight loss and exercise are correlated in my mind with anxiety, pain, deprivation. Eating whatever you want is associated with relaxation, fun, acceptance.

Writegirl, I can relate to the last part of your original message, about academics. My father and brother teased me as being stupid and ditsy during childhood. I can’t really explain why except that I can get spacy, daydreamy, and so do things like get lost and forget names, not know what date it is, etc. The fact that I was in a gifted program, above 99% on normed tests, etc did nothing to change this role they put me in. For so long I was so afraid I really am stupid but somehow can trick people or something. I think one reason I pushed myself so very hard academically was to prove, mostly to myself, that I am not stupid. College, summa cum laude, entrance to highly competitive graduate program, graduation with my doctorate. None of that proved anything to anyone as the original premise wasn’t logical. My achievements if anything made the fear of being uncovered as an imposter, and ultimately failing, worse. I do honestly (but not perfectly) feel I am comfortable with my intelligence and competence now, through mostly a lot of mindfulness and acceptance work.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Damn, I would love to have a moment when the woman actually heard me or saw me, but even sending something as eloquent as what you've suggested would be lost on her. She would never understand and accuse me of trying to blame her for my problems. One thing my parents have taught me well is that it's useless to try to have a real discussion with them about any part of my life. They are fantastic people in so many ways, and I do know that my mom has done the best that she knew how to do as a parent (she and her own mother had a falling out and my mother never spoke to the woman again till she was on her deathbed). Like your mother, mine is also stupid about science and medicine and so many other things. She's one of those people who knows nothing or little about a given subject, yet she forms an opinion and will argue her point, no matter how wrong she may be. I chalk some of that up to her being an undiagnosed dyslexic herself. That said, she has a mean edge to her much of the time and it's getting worse as she's aging and getting more frustrated with my psycho family. She's always taken her anger out on me. Once, at a party my sister was throwing at her house, my mom misinterpreted joking between me and my sister as an argument. In front of everyone there and with no warning, she punched me in my the face. I was 21. The next morning I confronted her about it in front of my father and told her that I am not her punching bag and if she ever hit me again, she would lose me forever because I would never speak to her again. Then I told her that she's not the only one who can walk away from her mother and she was a great role model for me on how to never speak to my mother again.

She never did hit me again. Instead, it's been near constant criticism and the the comments about my body. I love her, but I will never identify with her.

Limit contact. If you feel you MUST visit, make it a micro-visit...other pressing issues at home and all. And consider: she has the power to hurt you ONLY if you expect kind, loving behavior from her.

But...if she SHOULD say something positive about weight you've lost, I'd be tempted to reply along the lines of, "Huh? Are you talking about my weight? Oh, I stopped listening to you about that YEARS ago."

(I don't suggest that because I wouldn't want my daughter disinherited.)

 

[writegirl]

She is a beauty!

I look like my grandmother (yes, the same one). My grandfather was tall and slender. Some of the resulting generations are tall and slim, never having to think about their weight, the rest of us are all of varying degrees of overweight to SMO. Genetics is a bitch when the good ones are not in the hand you were dealt.

I completely identify with this. I'm grateful (relieved) that my daughter has genetics on her side. Her father is 100% Swedish and his whole family is tall and thin, just as my mother's entire German/Polish family is tall and thin. She got more of that than the Italian short and tubby from my dad's side. I hope she passes those tall/thin traits on to her own kids if she chooses to have any.

 

[writegirl]

Limit contact. If you feel you MUST visit, make it a micro-visit...other pressing issues at home and all. And consider: she has the power to hurt you ONLY if you expect kind, loving behavior from her.

But...if she SHOULD say something positive about weight you've lost, I'd be tempted to reply along the lines of, "Huh? Are you talking about my weight? Oh, I stopped listening to you about that YEARS ago."

(I don't suggest that because I wouldn't want my daughter disinherited.)

I do limit contact by virtue of living so far from them. However, we do our holidays there rather by command performance. My parents would be crushed if I didn't usher my daughter in for the holidays. They love her deeply. I think they would probably not miss me much at all if I didn't show up. It would be more in theory than in actuality that they would "miss" me. My absence would be a point of conversation, but they wouldn't actually miss me since they don't really identify with me in most ways. Our politics diverge and I can't stomach the 24/7 FAUX news blaring, or the stupid comments about The-Moron-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. One thing they do take interest in is my company because I took my idea and included my siblings and parents. It's a joint business venture with outside partners and my family now. That, they understand (sort of). It is our one area of common ground. I think I'll try to redirect all conversations to that.

 

[writegirl]

My daughter dropped in from university to join us for dinner last night. We got on the topic of visiting my parents for Thanksgiving and I mentioned the fat shaming. I'm ******* livid--she told us that my mother has been doing the same thing to her--the food policing and the comments about her body weight. Imma lose my every loving **** all over my mother for this crap. My daughter has a perfect, beautiful body. She's healthy and strong. I can't even believe my mom would pull this same thing on my daughter. My kid said: Yeah, when I'm there she is all like "Oh, Sierra, eating again!" and "She told me my red bikini is too small." So, I asked, you mean like too revealing? and she said "No, she told me my butt is too big for the bottoms."

OMFG!!! THIS is my kid in a swimsuit and, actually, she's gotten thinner since this shot because school/stress/walking our hilly campus. So, my mother was body shaming an even thinner version of the body you see below. I'm aghast.

 

[Larra]

The only thing that surprises me about this is that you're so surprised. Your mother is who she is. No matter how many times you have spoken to her about this issue or will in the future, she isn't going to change, and she is either oblivious to the harm she has caused (and is still causing) to you and your daughter or she just doesn't care. Please protect both yourself and your daughter from further damage by avoiding her, because there is nothing else you can do to alter this destructive pattern of behavior.