@JackieOnLine & everyone, thanks for the kind words and support.. my dad passed with me, Todd, and my sister at his side on friday the 5th.. the last several days have been a blur. As of late last night, I am finally home, and recouping from things. Mom is still mom, and will soon be coming to terms with the rigors of living alone (her insistence.)
Sadly when we returned that next day, he really was no longer eating.. he declined rapidly and the last couple days he was non-communicative. We all (save for mom...) took turns sitting with him, holding his hand, talking to him. He had a really rough night one night, haldol, ativan, dilaudid.. nothing helped. Eventually enough ativan was given (with hospice ok) and he slept. They call it terminal restlessness. It was a hard night. We called in the priest for his last rites the next day, and I believe he was aware of what was happening. He was fairly restful the remaining day and night, till he passed in the am.
Something happened though, which Todd pointed out later..
My sister had taken to sleeping in the other single bed next to him, Todd and I in the other room with a monitor on.. The final night, he vocalized all night. Dad had a deep loud voice, he was no longer moving as it was close.. but his breathing was strong and steady, so we thought it would be mid-day or later the next. My sister had put in some light earplugs to sleep, and I had turned off the monitor as she said she would come get me if needed. I woke in the morning, sat up and said "I can't hear dad breathing".. but the monitor was off (I had forgotten that I had turned it off.)
Todd got up, came right back and motioned me to come with him. Dad had stopped breathing. I swear I felt a hummingbird like thrumming in his chest for a moment or two but didn't say anything at the time (Todd later concurred), his neck was warm, his color still up.. but we couldn't find a pulse. The three of us just sat with him, I held his hand, put my head on his chest and said goodbye, we all cried together and stayed there with him for some time. I previously had told Todd through all this, that if at all possible, I wanted to be there when he passed, just holding his hand. I think I was. I think I woke just at that moment.
We woke mom so she could see him (she slept through the drama the night before, and also through this..) Family was still there, and got to say goodbye too before they came for him.
All three of us said later that we felt lifted, drifting and happy. Sad for us that he was gone, but so happy he was at peace. We all shared something so special and private.. sadly beautiful. I miss him.
