Stalkers

[Joanne]

No, not who you think, but I need some opinion and perspective here.

If you know me from FB, you know 2013 was a year from hell while my son went through aggressive chemo for his lymphoma. I reached out on a lymphoma support forum and made a few online friends. We corresponded on FB and email, never on the phone.

Since we all here have varying degrees of online relationships, let me ask your opinion. I have two women that I am closest to online, and I find myself uncomfortably stalked by one, and yelled at by another.

Woman 1 - She got way too close too soon. She lives in NYC and invited me to stay at her apartment while my son was in the hospital. She invited me to Thanksgiving dinner. I declined it all. (Jeez, writing this makes me feel like a bitch). She is very nice, and I know she and her husband are both corporate executives. I blew her off many times mostly because I wasn't ready to open up or engage in person. However, now if she goes more than a day without hearing from me, she sends me emails that say "PLEASE CHECK IN". I've told her I"m fine and I am back to my busy life and might not be able to chat every day, but she insists that I drop her an email to let her know how I am every day.

Woman 2 - This woman is another lymphoma mom with a son same age as Tim. She was a rock for me and a big source of support. When things started happening fast for Tim in December, and then the holidays, I apparently shot her a quick email that I cant remember, telling her that I'd get back to her. I dont remember that, and I didn't. She sent me a lengthy email about how much I used her, and that she knows I found more interesting and better friends (I think she's referring to Woman 1). I also tried to explain my feelings to her and all I got back again was how much I hurt her.

I dont even know if you all followed that!

I like both of these women immensely, but how are they not getting that I need some space? You guys know me online - do I do anything to cause this? Maybe I'm not direct enough?

 

[Sheanie]

You might want to read Gavin deBecker's book "The Gift of Fear" about forced familiarity. Your stories smack of someone trying to force a friendship where none exists. I may be wrong, but it seems to me that both these women are a little off balance. For crying out loud, you are going through THE most stressful time with your son's illness. You don't owe ANYONE a daily update. A quick email saying life is so hectic you won't be able to stay in touch might be nice. You do not owe them details of your life.

And NO, you don't do anything to cause this. It's their personality disorder that makes them clingy.

 

[JackieOnLine]

Joanne, I don't know you very well but you come off as totally...regular! kind and practical and real - nothing wrong at all, certainly not indirect.

and Sheanie, I loved The Gift of Fear: everyone should read it even though I found a lot of it disturbing you are better off knowing.

 

[Elizabeth N.]

I would probably end contact with both of them. And yes, I would feel stalked by number one and maybe also by number two.

 

[cajungirl]

Seems like both ladies are needy and have very few friends. You owe them nothing, ending communication may be a necessity if they can't accept you as you are and give you your space.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Some people just don't get it.

I have an ex-new-bff who, when allowed into my life started decorating my condo and buying my husband clothes. When I told her to go away, she wanted to help me more because she said I didn't know how to have a close friend. These folks...yours and mine...are just needy. You can continue to meet their needs or decline the opportunity.

But you may have to be quite specific in telling them that you are no longer available to the extent that they seem to need.

 

[Whit]

I am not the best judge of character. I cut people way to much slack. I mean I do not lie why would anyone lie to me? Right? Not! I think you should follow your instincts. Maybe explain one more time to each. If nothing changes then you may have to sever ties. Life is much to short to waste time worrying.

 

[Hala]

Been there only a couple of time.. As Dana mentioned - they sound like they do not have friends.. and they like you a lot... so they try VERY hard to be your friend... and once they got bored.. they will try to latch on someone else..
If I would want to remain friend with them, I would write each of them a letter- email, telling each that you really like them, value them and appreciate they are in your life, but that you have a very busy life, with a lots of work and responsibilities and even though you wish you could give them more of your time- that is physically impossible. And I would ask them to understand that I do think about them, but that due to me being so busy - they may not hear from me very often...
If they get that - great.. if not - o well...

 

[Elizabeth N.]

You do not owe any adult a daily check in except perhaps a spouse.

YES THIS!! That demand alone would cause me to eliminate a non-spouse person from my life. Hell, even my husband would not dare to make such a demand when I'm out of town. (He'd call me and tell me he loved me, not demanding that *I* check in.)

 

[southernlady]

The ONLY time I check in is if I am traveling. And then only to dh's mom or my daddy or my BFF...but then I do ask if she will text me when she gets home from traveling to see me. Concern but not a demand for a check in. Sometimes I find out by a post on her status on FB, LOL.

Oh, and yes, we DO check in with the pet sitter...she has a need to know when we leave and when we get home. But it's a request, not a demand.

 

[DianaCox]

I have a few questions - and this is not in any way meant as a criticism or questioning your motives, just trying to put things in context:

• They were there for you to support them while you and your son went through the worst time in your life. Tim is in remission, and you don't need them as much anymore (knock wood!).
• Where are their kids in the process? Are they still sick? Do they still need you and support from you, feel resentful that your son is in remission, and now you are not there for them?

I didn't see in your description of Woman #1 what her relationship with the lymphoma group was, and the status of Woman #2's son was not stated.

THIS DOESN'T CHANGE YOUR OBLIGATION (or lack thereof) TO EITHER OF THEM. Just trying to put their motives in context.

 

[Joanne]

Thanks everyone.

Diana -
Woman #1 is caregiver for her husband. When she was doing the height of her stalking, her husband was in remission. But they just found out he's relapsed. I'm trying to be there for her as much as I can now (meaning multiple emails per day).

#2's son has been in remission for almost a full year. When I first met her online, he was going through an allogeneic bone marrow transplant, and had a much worse prognosis than Tim, but he's been sailing through and will have his one year transplant anniversary in April.

 

[DianaCox]

Dear Woman #1: You know I found your support invaluable during the acute phase of my son's illness. I value you and your support more than you can imagine. And now that you need my support, I am distressed to find that I cannot be as available as I would like - my personal life and job and husband and my own health (in addition to my son) have suffered over the last year and I MUST focus on them now. I will do what I can to be available, but I need you to understand that there are only so many hours in the day that I can spend, and I must prioritize them as best as I can.

Dear Woman #2: You know I found your support invaluable during the acute phase of my son's illness. I value you and your support more than you can imagine. And now that both of our boys are doing better, I need you to understand that I cannot be as available as I would like - my personal life and job and husband and my own health (in addition to my son) have suffered over the last year and I MUST focus on them now. I will do what I can to be available, but I need you to understand that there are only so many hours in the day that I can spend, and I must prioritize them as best as I can.

That's what I'd do - but you know I suck at stuff like this, so take it as a possible suggestion, not as solid advice!

 

[Charris]

Sometimes people think they are being helpful by calling and checking on you. What they may not realize if you act like an Ostrich like I do, when the going get tough I hide my head in the sand, the well meant motives can be very stressful and over whelming. I know when Im going through I dont answer the phone, email, the door or anything. I finally had to explain to people I know you mean well but when you call to check on me with 20 other people a day when I have to give you and all those other people an update that is forcing me to relive my pain EVERY SINGLE TIME SOMEONE CALLS TO CHECK ON ME. Some people did not get that until i explained it to them that way and then they were like sorry we didnt realize we just wanted to let you know we were thinking about you and concerened.

Then you just have nosey people who dont give a rats AZZ and will do what they want regardless. Either way you have to do what you can be comfortable with and makes you happy.

 

[Sheanie]

BTW, I give "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin deBecker as a baby shower gift now, along with whatever handmade sweater or quilt I give. I don't presume to preach to anyone about anything, but this author could very well save your life someday. He was the security advisor to several presidents and has a huge security firm that assesses the danger of celebrity stalkers. I buy this guy's books and have them to give away to new mothers as well as "The Gift of Fear" to abused women I know.