Elizabeth N.
Herder of cats
Freshen your beverage, for EN is about to tell a story.
Long ago in a faraway corner of cyberspace, I entered the world of forum communications, on a PC in the public library. I was looking for support at a very vulnerable time of life; I had just begun exploring issues regarding my personal childhood traumas. That's not something you talk about face to face to strangers. So I started learning how to navigate the Internet, looking for connections with others who had BTDT.
That is how I a met a woman whom I will call Jane.
Jane was a member of what became a very well known forum/website for adult survivors of child abuse where I started participating. She reached out to me in a PM and we became close. She was experienced in the ways of healing, indeed was a LCSW who, she said, had lost her license because a vindictive former client framed her in accusations of misconduct. It all sounded soooo believable.
Jane was always misunderstood wherever she went on forums like that one because of her extensive clinical training and experience. She just couldn't turn off that part of her brain and be a plain old survivor, donchaknow. So forum moderators and hosts always wound up feeling threatened by her. It only made sense for her to start her very own forum, where she could explain herself without fear of being banned.
We became best friends. We spent ages online together. I was so glad to finally have connections, I went and bought my first PC. We had a group of sister survivors, called ourselves a sisterhood on a healing journey. Ah, the things we shared. I had such trust and confidence in Jane.
I visited Jane in her mountain home several times and introduced some other "sister survivors" to her. We shared a wonderful family Christmas together--me, Mr. EN, our friend who became our housemate (whom some readers will no doubt remember), a young woman who came from far away, and Jane and her partner. We had a fabulous holiday dinner we made together, decorated her country log home, did lots of really fun Christmasy things.
Shit got weird in the days after Christmas.In the interest of brevity, I'll summarize what was really going on: Jane had been grooming the young woman from far away for a long time and began her sexual predation during that visit. She used me and my "evil awful" reputation as a threat against the girl, saying that if the girl said anything about what was going on, I would go after her for daring to say anything bad about my beloved friend Jane.
One afternoon, it transpired that the young woman and I were alone indoors. The other folks had gone on a hike and Jane had gone for a drive. (Turned out Jane was restocking her booze stash and got stopped for a DUI on the way home.) The girl, who had psych issues, was inconsolable and the more I tried to talk to and comfort her, the more hysterically terrified she got. I won't go into details about the godawful shit Jane had done to her, but she was horrifically traumatized.
I was blind to the stuff going on around me because: I had taken Jane at face value, I had no idea that a woman could sexually assault/abuse another adult woman, and (yeah, I really was this ignorant) I had zero clue Jane was a drunk, because I never saw her drink more than a glass or two of wine AND I couldn't smell anything on her. (I didn't know vodka and Everclear didn't necessarily smell.)
The holiday ended, we went our separate ways, and the young lady disappeared from cyberspace. We were all worried about her, but Jane assured us after a few days that she was in contact with the girl's therapist. The girl had attempted suicide upon returning home and was hospitalized. (That part was true; no clue whether there was really any therapist contact, but it's probably true.) Jane told quite a story about the girl's psychopathology, and at least some of us believed her.
Spring came. My friend-who-became-housemate and I visited Jane again. Things were rather different that time. Hard to explain, but I could tell things were tense. I found it rather puzzling that Jane fell asleep at the dinner table and had to have it explained to me in words of one syllable by her then-almost-ex-boyfriend that she'd passed out drunk. As I said, I really was THAT naïve.
Summer passed and the following Christmas arrived. We who remained in the little forum were deeply concerned about Jane's mounting depression, job loss and various other signs that her life was falling apart. So friend and I convinced her to come to NJ for Christmas.
Deprived of her familiar environment and stashes and ways to hide her decompensation, Jane fell apart completely. She robbed friend's parents while we were on a stopover there during our holiday travels (stole a bunch of booze). The parents did not want to press charges, so we confronted Jane and stuck her on the next train home.
During that visit, a couple of former members of Jane's forum got in touch with me because they were afraid for my friend's and my safety from Jane. They'd had her as a guest some time previously and she had decompensated and acted out badly on them, too. Since that time, they did some research on Jane's background and found out that Jane was indeed a former LCSW. She'd lost her license due to allegations of sexual predation on multiple female clients.
Deprived of the ability to get fresh meat through private practice, she turned to the Internet.
When she ascertained that I was immune to her attempts at sexual predation (I guess because I'm so straight I wouldn't recognize a woman coming on to me in any but the most blatant way? *shrug*), she kept me around as a foil. I believed her stories and reinforced them to others.
Those former members took their time to build a case even *I* would understand. On one hand, I'm grateful they made the effort because, while no criminal charges were ever filed, they did an excellent job of shutting off a bunch of her avenues of "supply" and brought her to a point of really serious confrontation of her wrongdoing. Unfortunately, at least two more women were victimized while they were biding their time and building their case.
The last I heard of Jane was that she attempted suicide after she got home from NJ and was barely saved because her ex-boyfriend (who had moved out while she was in NJ) came back to get some stuff and found her. She got committed for a time, and may or may not have gotten some benefit from it. That was over a decade ago. The other folks continue to keep an eye on public records to see where she is and what she's up to, but I no longer have any contact.
Okay, that's the story in a small nutshell.
I tell it to say this: I've seen some first class cyberfreaks in action. Learned it all the hard way....well, thank God, not as hard as Jane's real victims had it, of course.
I continue to believe in the value of Internet friendships and am always glad when such a friendship can make a successful transition to "3d." I believe people are basically good and am always sorry when someone proves that belief wrong.
When I see people's boundaries, space, personal information etc. being trampled upon in that Internet-3d space, I get worried (at the minimum).
I trust that the reader will see the parallels I am drawing to our current kerfuffle regarding certain personages who are no longer connected to my life or to this place.
Long ago in a faraway corner of cyberspace, I entered the world of forum communications, on a PC in the public library. I was looking for support at a very vulnerable time of life; I had just begun exploring issues regarding my personal childhood traumas. That's not something you talk about face to face to strangers. So I started learning how to navigate the Internet, looking for connections with others who had BTDT.
That is how I a met a woman whom I will call Jane.
Jane was a member of what became a very well known forum/website for adult survivors of child abuse where I started participating. She reached out to me in a PM and we became close. She was experienced in the ways of healing, indeed was a LCSW who, she said, had lost her license because a vindictive former client framed her in accusations of misconduct. It all sounded soooo believable.
Jane was always misunderstood wherever she went on forums like that one because of her extensive clinical training and experience. She just couldn't turn off that part of her brain and be a plain old survivor, donchaknow. So forum moderators and hosts always wound up feeling threatened by her. It only made sense for her to start her very own forum, where she could explain herself without fear of being banned.
We became best friends. We spent ages online together. I was so glad to finally have connections, I went and bought my first PC. We had a group of sister survivors, called ourselves a sisterhood on a healing journey. Ah, the things we shared. I had such trust and confidence in Jane.
I visited Jane in her mountain home several times and introduced some other "sister survivors" to her. We shared a wonderful family Christmas together--me, Mr. EN, our friend who became our housemate (whom some readers will no doubt remember), a young woman who came from far away, and Jane and her partner. We had a fabulous holiday dinner we made together, decorated her country log home, did lots of really fun Christmasy things.
Shit got weird in the days after Christmas.In the interest of brevity, I'll summarize what was really going on: Jane had been grooming the young woman from far away for a long time and began her sexual predation during that visit. She used me and my "evil awful" reputation as a threat against the girl, saying that if the girl said anything about what was going on, I would go after her for daring to say anything bad about my beloved friend Jane.
One afternoon, it transpired that the young woman and I were alone indoors. The other folks had gone on a hike and Jane had gone for a drive. (Turned out Jane was restocking her booze stash and got stopped for a DUI on the way home.) The girl, who had psych issues, was inconsolable and the more I tried to talk to and comfort her, the more hysterically terrified she got. I won't go into details about the godawful shit Jane had done to her, but she was horrifically traumatized.
I was blind to the stuff going on around me because: I had taken Jane at face value, I had no idea that a woman could sexually assault/abuse another adult woman, and (yeah, I really was this ignorant) I had zero clue Jane was a drunk, because I never saw her drink more than a glass or two of wine AND I couldn't smell anything on her. (I didn't know vodka and Everclear didn't necessarily smell.)
The holiday ended, we went our separate ways, and the young lady disappeared from cyberspace. We were all worried about her, but Jane assured us after a few days that she was in contact with the girl's therapist. The girl had attempted suicide upon returning home and was hospitalized. (That part was true; no clue whether there was really any therapist contact, but it's probably true.) Jane told quite a story about the girl's psychopathology, and at least some of us believed her.
Spring came. My friend-who-became-housemate and I visited Jane again. Things were rather different that time. Hard to explain, but I could tell things were tense. I found it rather puzzling that Jane fell asleep at the dinner table and had to have it explained to me in words of one syllable by her then-almost-ex-boyfriend that she'd passed out drunk. As I said, I really was THAT naïve.
Summer passed and the following Christmas arrived. We who remained in the little forum were deeply concerned about Jane's mounting depression, job loss and various other signs that her life was falling apart. So friend and I convinced her to come to NJ for Christmas.
Deprived of her familiar environment and stashes and ways to hide her decompensation, Jane fell apart completely. She robbed friend's parents while we were on a stopover there during our holiday travels (stole a bunch of booze). The parents did not want to press charges, so we confronted Jane and stuck her on the next train home.
During that visit, a couple of former members of Jane's forum got in touch with me because they were afraid for my friend's and my safety from Jane. They'd had her as a guest some time previously and she had decompensated and acted out badly on them, too. Since that time, they did some research on Jane's background and found out that Jane was indeed a former LCSW. She'd lost her license due to allegations of sexual predation on multiple female clients.
Deprived of the ability to get fresh meat through private practice, she turned to the Internet.
When she ascertained that I was immune to her attempts at sexual predation (I guess because I'm so straight I wouldn't recognize a woman coming on to me in any but the most blatant way? *shrug*), she kept me around as a foil. I believed her stories and reinforced them to others.
Those former members took their time to build a case even *I* would understand. On one hand, I'm grateful they made the effort because, while no criminal charges were ever filed, they did an excellent job of shutting off a bunch of her avenues of "supply" and brought her to a point of really serious confrontation of her wrongdoing. Unfortunately, at least two more women were victimized while they were biding their time and building their case.
The last I heard of Jane was that she attempted suicide after she got home from NJ and was barely saved because her ex-boyfriend (who had moved out while she was in NJ) came back to get some stuff and found her. She got committed for a time, and may or may not have gotten some benefit from it. That was over a decade ago. The other folks continue to keep an eye on public records to see where she is and what she's up to, but I no longer have any contact.
Okay, that's the story in a small nutshell.
I tell it to say this: I've seen some first class cyberfreaks in action. Learned it all the hard way....well, thank God, not as hard as Jane's real victims had it, of course.
I continue to believe in the value of Internet friendships and am always glad when such a friendship can make a successful transition to "3d." I believe people are basically good and am always sorry when someone proves that belief wrong.
When I see people's boundaries, space, personal information etc. being trampled upon in that Internet-3d space, I get worried (at the minimum).
I trust that the reader will see the parallels I am drawing to our current kerfuffle regarding certain personages who are no longer connected to my life or to this place.
