My mind wanders. At first, I was just so sad (why? I didn't know him), and then it kind of triggered remembering those suicidal thoughts I had 5 years ago when I had my bizarre bout of depression and panic attacks (I think as a side effect from Reglan given post-op to prevent constipation post-op while on narcotics after reconstructive surgery) - I remembered how scary and desperate they made me feel.
But then I started thinking about, of all things, the mechanical aspects of how he killed himself (I warned you this was morbid), and trying to figure out from what was disclosed (http://www.marinsheriff.org/uploads/857.pdf), how he did it, and WHY that way?
I mean, if he wanted to kill himself, and had thought about it many times for a long time (and I can't imagine that is not true), it would seem that he might have long ago considered and decided upon a "better" or surer or less horrible way to die. I mean, even I stockpile extra narcotics for a variety of reasons, one of which is to have on hand a means of ending things if something terrible happened (but mostly in case there is an earthquake and somebody gets hurt and we can't get medical care right away for broken bones or something like that).
Why asphyxiation? It is not a quick death. And if I understand from the sheriff's statement, he was hanging from a noose made from a belt that was hanging from the top of the door, held in place by closing the door on the belt. I am trying to picture how he did this without standing on a chair. They said his body was in a position as if seated, which I assume means with his knees up:
It seems like a really terrible way to kill yourself. It also seems like there would have been time - and an almost unavoidable instinct - to stop it, because the choking would have been awful. And it seems like he could have had so many other ways available to him that were more certain, and less painful.
Perhaps they haven't given enough details - perhaps I don't understand the mechanics (after all, inmates hang themselves in their cells all the time, right?).
I'm puzzling about a weird aspect - the details of his death - while simultaneously trying to understand not only why, but HOW someone could do this. I'm mostly glad I don't understand the why, though - because it means I'm forgetting to some extent the trauma that happened to me 5 years ago.
But then I started thinking about, of all things, the mechanical aspects of how he killed himself (I warned you this was morbid), and trying to figure out from what was disclosed (http://www.marinsheriff.org/uploads/857.pdf), how he did it, and WHY that way?
I mean, if he wanted to kill himself, and had thought about it many times for a long time (and I can't imagine that is not true), it would seem that he might have long ago considered and decided upon a "better" or surer or less horrible way to die. I mean, even I stockpile extra narcotics for a variety of reasons, one of which is to have on hand a means of ending things if something terrible happened (but mostly in case there is an earthquake and somebody gets hurt and we can't get medical care right away for broken bones or something like that).
Why asphyxiation? It is not a quick death. And if I understand from the sheriff's statement, he was hanging from a noose made from a belt that was hanging from the top of the door, held in place by closing the door on the belt. I am trying to picture how he did this without standing on a chair. They said his body was in a position as if seated, which I assume means with his knees up:
Assuming he was not standing on a chair, which he then kicked away, how does someone strangle themselves that way? If his legs were "in a seated position," how could he have not put his feet down while going through the process of strangling? If he was standing up, and then sat on a chair (it didn't really say he WAS seated), how could he resist the urge to stand up and save himself as he asphyxiated?
It seems like a really terrible way to kill yourself. It also seems like there would have been time - and an almost unavoidable instinct - to stop it, because the choking would have been awful. And it seems like he could have had so many other ways available to him that were more certain, and less painful.
Perhaps they haven't given enough details - perhaps I don't understand the mechanics (after all, inmates hang themselves in their cells all the time, right?).
I'm puzzling about a weird aspect - the details of his death - while simultaneously trying to understand not only why, but HOW someone could do this. I'm mostly glad I don't understand the why, though - because it means I'm forgetting to some extent the trauma that happened to me 5 years ago.
