Gut-punched by "friend" - don't know what, if anything, to do

[harrietvane]

I would keep this between the two of you, if I were you. Potentially tarnishing her professional reputation isn't going to help anyone.

 

[DianaCox]

Of course I won't mention her name - but that was a good point.

 

[CaraOC]

Of course I won't mention her name - but that was a good point.

So no contact whatsoever from your friend/neighbors???

 

[DianaCox]

Nope. Not a word. I'm stunned.

 

[CaraOC]

Nope. Not a word. I'm stunned.

I'm sorry. That has got to sting. You paid her full price for haircuts, you donated your time to solving her family issues. You included her in your family celebrations AND you introduced her to her husband to be. That doesn't strike me as a true friendship. I think you are a kind, considerate and giving friend. I think she was banking on you "insisting" she take the commission on your house sale. SHE and not you is the one who lost a good friend. Good friends are few and far between and I think in time she will seriously regret her thoughtlessness. I was born and raised in Ireland and my entire family are still in Ireland (except a weird estranged brother in Chicago). So basically for twenty something years I've been without family and I don't like it. My friends ARE my family and I appreciate them. Although, I don't have many friends to be honest. Maybe I should reflect on that?? Anyway, if you're in the market for an outspoken seriously sarcastic opinionated Irish chick, then I will gladly be your friend!! I'm a nurse and therefore don't know how to sell your house, but if you could just mail me a check for the commission that would be great.

 

[DianaCox]

So I sent this to both of them on Wednesday:

Dear Mitra and Ian,

Since we have no desire to make you feel uncomfortable at your wedding, nor ourselves, it is with deep regret that we feel we must withdraw our acceptance of your invitation.

We wish you happiness and good fortune in your marriage.

Diana and Charles
​

And Ian answered:

Diana,

Unfortunately, I too think your decision is best for everyone. Thanks for thinking about those considerations.

I do want to say thanks for the well wishes. They are very much appreciated. We all have so many changes in store in the near term and I want to wish you and Charles all the best and lots of fun and excitement, too, as you travel the county.

Best regards,

Ian​

Charles just saw Ian outside - remember, NONE of this was between them. Ian utterly ignored Charles, didn't even throw up an acknowledging hand. I guess he's decided that he has to be rude on Mitra's behalf?

Is it bad of me to hope that a BIG noisy family of fundamentalist Shi'ites, including teenaged males, make us the best offer - Iraqi or Iranian - whichever makes her more uncomfortable?

 

[newanatomy]

How disappointing!

 

[DSRIGGS]

That is a shame that this woman is that way, as well as her husband.

 

[CaraOC]

So I sent this to both of them on Wednesday:

Dear Mitra and Ian,

Since we have no desire to make you feel uncomfortable at your wedding, nor ourselves, it is with deep regret that we feel we must withdraw our acceptance of your invitation.

We wish you happiness and good fortune in your marriage.

Diana and Charles
​

And Ian answered:

Diana,

Unfortunately, I too think your decision is best for everyone. Thanks for thinking about those considerations.

I do want to say thanks for the well wishes. They are very much appreciated. We all have so many changes in store in the near term and I want to wish you and Charles all the best and lots of fun and excitement, too, as you travel the county.

Best regards,

Ian​

Charles just saw Ian outside - remember, NONE of this was between them. Ian utterly ignored Charles, didn't even throw up an acknowledging hand. I guess he's decided that he has to be rude on Mitra's behalf?

Is it bad of me to hope that a BIG noisy family of fundamentalist Shi'ites, including teenaged males, make us the best offer - Iraqi or Iranian - whichever makes her more uncomfortable?

What a complete an utter asshole. In no doubt who will be wearing the pants in that house. Sad that a grown man would just kiss off dear and loyal friends over nothing but his girlfriends perceived slight. It's their loss, not yours. Maybe invite a whole mosque full of traditionally garbed men over for afternoon tea, maybe take them outside for a tour of the garden while doing elaborate arm gestures to the east. Might put the fear of God into them.

 

[southernlady]

I find it interesting that only he responded...

 

[DianaCox]

Yeah - she's too chickenshit to confront me directly.

I wrote another one of these emails that I write when I'm angry, but I stuff all my feelings in the email but don't send them. But the peacemaker Charles is encouraging me to send it. Nah - not until the house is sold. But then I might:

But that's what R&R is for, right?

Since Mitra has made it clear that she is perfectly fine with throwing away what I mistakenly thought was 15 year friendship over what she claims are HER hurt feelings, but which is actually her embarrassment about being caught at LYING about what she said, which outed her true attitude after all these years, I think that what I held back before needs to be said.

First, for the record:

• I reviewed my texts and emails with Mitra, and I found evidence that the conversation in which she said that she said she would not represent us because we were friends took place on or about January 26, 2015, at the Avalon, at the time I first mentioned to her that we were thinking of selling our house.
• Charles and Jessica both confirm that I told them right after that conversation that Mitra had said she would not represent us, which I mentioned to them because I had been surprised, and that I appreciated that she was more concerned about our friendship than a potential commission, as well as mentioning that she had graciously offered to give us advice if we asked.
• A couple of days after that gobsmacking text from Mitra, when I told Paige that Mitra now claims she never said that she wouldn’t represent us, Paige was completely shocked and astonished – she said that around that same time, about a year ago, she and Mitra and I were having a conversation in our house, and Paige heard Mitra say precisely that, with her own ears – that Mitra would not represent us because we are friends.
• The reality is that, in fact, it would have been an ethically questionable practice to represent us, and not just a potential risk to our friendship, which I didn’t appreciate (because I am too trusting) until Mitra brought it up, because
  • We could not negotiate her commission and other services at arms-length
  • We could not comfortably complain to her if we didn’t agree with her on any aspect of the transaction, up to and including firing her if we were dissatisfied
  • The awkwardness that would result if Mitra was not happy with OUR behavior during the sales process (which frankly, I was always convinced was the actual reason she didn’t want to represent us – she was concerned we would be difficult clients)
  • But, most of all, the fact that you both live next door adds a whole additional element of conflict of interest, because of the possibility of bias (unintentional or otherwise) in screening prospective buyers who would be your next door neighbors would be inherent in the situation and could not be eliminated. This was NEVER going to end well.

No – Mitra was right – there was no way she should have represented us, for these reasons and others. And mind you, that is without even the first consideration of what should have been my next step, which I never took, which was to research her qualifications as an agent for selling the biggest asset we will ever own. (A friend of mine, hearing this story, took it upon herself to look up Mitra’s sales record, and was singularly unimpressed.) In a fair competition for our business, with us being businesslike, there is no way Mitra should have been given the listing anyway. But that was not something I ever even thought of, because Mitra shut down any thought of her being our agent the moment I first mentioned wanting to sell the house.

It should be noted that not one time over the last year have Charles or I behaved in ANY way that isn’t consistent with the certainty that she had first refused the listing

• I never once suggested that I was considering Mitra for the listing, because I wasn’t – because she said not to.
• For the same reason, neither did I try to HIDE from her that we were taking her at her word and not use her as our agent – I talked freely and openly with her about trying to sell the house, and never ONCE suggested that I was considering her for the listing, because I was CERTAIN that we both were operating under the understanding that if we couldn’t sell it ourselves, I would find an agent on our own.
• And although I tried hard to not impose, I also behaved in accordance with what she said when she offered to provide advice if I had any questions about the process as I went through it as a FSBO or with another agent, by occasionally – careful to not overstep – asking her a small question, because she had offered to give it, and I wanted to be open with her.

The truth is, it was still a little awkward – I didn’t want to NOT bring up the sale of the house, because we are friends, and it was becoming an increasingly important issue in our lives. But I didn’t want mentioning it to be seen as abusing the leave she had given me to ask questions, when she was not going to be the listing agent. This was especially the case after my comments about trying to figure out a price for the house back in August or September resulted in Mitra surprising me by preparing some information from the MLS for me. (Which, by the way, I assumed she simply did out of friendship, just the many times I had given her free legal advice – and not that it was a job interview, as apparently she would like to believe it was.) So I tried to be casual and sparing about mentioning it, and to speak about the house selling issues just like I would talk to any other one of our friends. Which is exactly how Charles casually mentioned to Ian that we had found someone to be our listing agent when they were chatting.

But none of this matters, because clearly, based on Mitra’s astonishing text to me, this was never a real friendship as Charles and I had always believed – just a “relationship” between a part-time hairdresser/real estate agent and her clients. And clearly, we never understood that we had never been anything more than just clients to Mitra – clients who became dispensable once there was no more money to be made off of them. So, evidently, there was more than one misunderstanding in this “relationship.” It was apparently always business, not personal.

By the way Mitra, you’re welcome for all the free legal advice and help I’ve given you over the years, from writing the cease and desist letter to your stalker – out of deep concern for your safety no less; the issues with the blinds and the lost gift card and getting your brother bereavement airfare; and especially for enlisting help from a friend who put himself and me in an awkward position with the CFO of O’Connor Hospital after you BEGGED me for help with your father’s allegedly improper care – only to blow me off after everyone was advised there was a problem. You played me well – I never even noticed what I wasn’t getting back from you.

So congratulations – if your intention was to make me feel stupid for thinking we were friends, and deeply hurt that you could do such a thing after everything we have been to each other, you achieved your goal. Bravo.

Let me be clear – after thinking long and hard about how this went down, after talking to a number of friends about Mitra’s otherwise inexplicable behavior, I no longer believe this was a misunderstanding. I think this was DELIBERATE AND INTENTIONAL on her part, and it was an attempt to force me to GIVE her the listing without competition, by embarrassing me and making me “prove” my friendship to make up for it. The problem with that attempted gas-lighting, and why it isn’t going to work, is because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she said she wouldn’t represent me, because I TOLD EVERYONE OVER A YEAR AGO THAT SHE SAID THAT and everyone remembers me saying it, and Paige heard it out of her own damned mouth. There is no way she didn’t say it, and she knows it.

No, what Mitra is REALLY angry about is that I took her passive-aggressive manipulative behavior literally, rather than trying to talk her out of her “decision” to not represent us. Clearly, in her plan, I was supposed to have begged her to represent us, and not even considered giving the listing to anyone else – including someone who is more qualified than her. Well, nope, that was not going to happen – she sold her story about our friendship being more important than a commission too well.

And then I made the mistake of examining the facts of what she had said (which I should have thought of myself, but I didn’t) and agreeing with her that it was a potential friendship-ending ethical mess. What I didn’t realize was that she had no intention of giving a shit what happened, because she was just about done with me anyway. Not hiring her to sell our house just moved the termination date up a few notches. What an unethical liar and user she is.

Good luck Ian – you’re going to need it.

And Mitra – here is something from someone who has met you more than once at our house, when told about what happened:

“So now you know that your friendship was worth the commission she would have made.

I think she must be huffing hairspray. Good riddance.”​

 

[bearmom]

I write letters of this sort to people for things (even one deceased person) and file them, but usually end up burning them.

A few were sent when there was something I just felt needed clarity and it not only would stick in my craw, but I felt THEY needed to be clear to be a decent human, and yours would fall into that category for me. They may or may not ever do the right thing, but it makes it easier to move on when I know I did.

If she was going to have some memory recollection like, "omg I'd completely forgotten that, but now that that you mention it..." but that revelation isn't going to happen. The letter can't further burn a bridge that she has already torched.

It sucks this didn't end differently. I'm sorry.

 

[newanatomy]

Even though this letter would not make one iota of difference in Mitra's thinking, I would send it. Mitra is never going to concede to any point of view that differs from her own. She has already proven that she is not above lying. At this point, it is about your feelings. Sending the e-mail would give you closure and allow you to express your points of contention.

 

[CaraOC]

Yeah - she's too chickenshit to confront me directly.

I wrote another one of these emails that I write when I'm angry, but I stuff all my feelings in the email but don't send them. But the peacemaker Charles is encouraging me to send it. Nah - not until the house is sold. But then I might:

But that's what R&R is for, right?

Since Mitra has made it clear that she is perfectly fine with throwing away what I mistakenly thought was 15 year friendship over what she claims are HER hurt feelings, but which is actually her embarrassment about being caught at LYING about what she said, which outed her true attitude after all these years, I think that what I held back before needs to be said.

First, for the record:

• I reviewed my texts and emails with Mitra, and I found evidence that the conversation in which she said that she said she would not represent us because we were friends took place on or about January 26, 2015, at the Avalon, at the time I first mentioned to her that we were thinking of selling our house.
• Charles and Jessica both confirm that I told them right after that conversation that Mitra had said she would not represent us, which I mentioned to them because I had been surprised, and that I appreciated that she was more concerned about our friendship than a potential commission, as well as mentioning that she had graciously offered to give us advice if we asked.
• A couple of days after that gobsmacking text from Mitra, when I told Paige that Mitra now claims she never said that she wouldn’t represent us, Paige was completely shocked and astonished – she said that around that same time, about a year ago, she and Mitra and I were having a conversation in our house, and Paige heard Mitra say precisely that, with her own ears – that Mitra would not represent us because we are friends.
• The reality is that, in fact, it would have been an ethically questionable practice to represent us, and not just a potential risk to our friendship, which I didn’t appreciate (because I am too trusting) until Mitra brought it up, because
  • We could not negotiate her commission and other services at arms-length
  • We could not comfortably complain to her if we didn’t agree with her on any aspect of the transaction, up to and including firing her if we were dissatisfied
  • The awkwardness that would result if Mitra was not happy with OUR behavior during the sales process (which frankly, I was always convinced was the actual reason she didn’t want to represent us – she was concerned we would be difficult clients)
  • But, most of all, the fact that you both live next door adds a whole additional element of conflict of interest, because of the possibility of bias (unintentional or otherwise) in screening prospective buyers who would be your next door neighbors would be inherent in the situation and could not be eliminated. This was NEVER going to end well.

No – Mitra was right – there was no way she should have represented us, for these reasons and others. And mind you, that is without even the first consideration of what should have been my next step, which I never took, which was to research her qualifications as an agent for selling the biggest asset we will ever own. (A friend of mine, hearing this story, took it upon herself to look up Mitra’s sales record, and was singularly unimpressed.) In a fair competition for our business, with us being businesslike, there is no way Mitra should have been given the listing anyway. But that was not something I ever even thought of, because Mitra shut down any thought of her being our agent the moment I first mentioned wanting to sell the house.

It should be noted that not one time over the last year have Charles or I behaved in ANY way that isn’t consistent with the certainty that she had first refused the listing

• I never once suggested that I was considering Mitra for the listing, because I wasn’t – because she said not to.
• For the same reason, neither did I try to HIDE from her that we were taking her at her word and not use her as our agent – I talked freely and openly with her about trying to sell the house, and never ONCE suggested that I was considering her for the listing, because I was CERTAIN that we both were operating under the understanding that if we couldn’t sell it ourselves, I would find an agent on our own.
• And although I tried hard to not impose, I also behaved in accordance with what she said when she offered to provide advice if I had any questions about the process as I went through it as a FSBO or with another agent, by occasionally – careful to not overstep – asking her a small question, because she had offered to give it, and I wanted to be open with her.

The truth is, it was still a little awkward – I didn’t want to NOT bring up the sale of the house, because we are friends, and it was becoming an increasingly important issue in our lives. But I didn’t want mentioning it to be seen as abusing the leave she had given me to ask questions, when she was not going to be the listing agent. This was especially the case after my comments about trying to figure out a price for the house back in August or September resulted in Mitra surprising me by preparing some information from the MLS for me. (Which, by the way, I assumed she simply did out of friendship, just the many times I had given her free legal advice – and not that it was a job interview, as apparently she would like to believe it was.) So I tried to be casual and sparing about mentioning it, and to speak about the house selling issues just like I would talk to any other one of our friends. Which is exactly how Charles casually mentioned to Ian that we had found someone to be our listing agent when they were chatting.

But none of this matters, because clearly, based on Mitra’s astonishing text to me, this was never a real friendship as Charles and I had always believed – just a “relationship” between a part-time hairdresser/real estate agent and her clients. And clearly, we never understood that we had never been anything more than just clients to Mitra – clients who became dispensable once there was no more money to be made off of them. So, evidently, there was more than one misunderstanding in this “relationship.” It was apparently always business, not personal.

By the way Mitra, you’re welcome for all the free legal advice and help I’ve given you over the years, from writing the cease and desist letter to your stalker – out of deep concern for your safety no less; the issues with the blinds and the lost gift card and getting your brother bereavement airfare; and especially for enlisting help from a friend who put himself and me in an awkward position with the CFO of O’Connor Hospital after you BEGGED me for help with your father’s allegedly improper care – only to blow me off after everyone was advised there was a problem. You played me well – I never even noticed what I wasn’t getting back from you.

So congratulations – if your intention was to make me feel stupid for thinking we were friends, and deeply hurt that you could do such a thing after everything we have been to each other, you achieved your goal. Bravo.

Let me be clear – after thinking long and hard about how this went down, after talking to a number of friends about Mitra’s otherwise inexplicable behavior, I no longer believe this was a misunderstanding. I think this was DELIBERATE AND INTENTIONAL on her part, and it was an attempt to force me to GIVE her the listing without competition, by embarrassing me and making me “prove” my friendship to make up for it. The problem with that attempted gas-lighting, and why it isn’t going to work, is because I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that she said she wouldn’t represent me, because I TOLD EVERYONE OVER A YEAR AGO THAT SHE SAID THAT and everyone remembers me saying it, and Paige heard it out of her own damned mouth. There is no way she didn’t say it, and she knows it.

No, what Mitra is REALLY angry about is that I took her passive-aggressive manipulative behavior literally, rather than trying to talk her out of her “decision” to not represent us. Clearly, in her plan, I was supposed to have begged her to represent us, and not even considered giving the listing to anyone else – including someone who is more qualified than her. Well, nope, that was not going to happen – she sold her story about our friendship being more important than a commission too well.

And then I made the mistake of examining the facts of what she had said (which I should have thought of myself, but I didn’t) and agreeing with her that it was a potential friendship-ending ethical mess. What I didn’t realize was that she had no intention of giving a shit what happened, because she was just about done with me anyway. Not hiring her to sell our house just moved the termination date up a few notches. What an unethical liar and user she is.

Good luck Ian – you’re going to need it.

And Mitra – here is something from someone who has met you more than once at our house, when told about what happened:

“So now you know that your friendship was worth the commission she would have made.

I think she must be huffing hairspray. Good riddance.”​

Oh hell yeah I'd send her this email. I would end it a little differently though. How about this?:

After all has now been said and done Charles and I have carefully reviewed each and every witnessed account and detail of this situation and are greatly agreed on one resounding fact, and this is Ian and Mitra. You together cannot even begin to fathom the enormity of the fuck we now do not give.

Charles and Diana.

 

[bearmom]

"You together cannot even begin to fathom the enormity of the fuck we now do not give."

That reminds me of one of my favorite sayings ...