Gut-punched by "friend" - don't know what, if anything, to do

[Spiky Bugger]

And you can cut the plant parts that hang on your side, except if to do so would cause the tree to collapse or cause some damage to the property.

If you call a professional tree guy, they deal with this shit on a daily basis.

 

[CaraOC]

I went to bed thinking on this issue and I am now convinced she's playing you for a ditz. Perhaps after having the conversation with you where she refuses to be the broker for the reasons you listed she then discussed it with someone else who convinced her she was nuts for giving up on a hefty commission she was going to miss out on. One she wasn't qualified to receive and one she certainly wasn't going to compete for. I think this is a ploy to have you guys feel bad and doubt your own memory and hand over a butt load of cash to her. She isn't a friend you need if she does that.

I'm usually a big pushover when it comes to friends and money. I am a generous person and as a cultural thing if you owe me money I find it rude and crass to have to ask for it so I don't. Works well to others advantage and sees me screwed on most occasions. A coworker of mine owes me $60 for something. I never asked for it and she never offered. She then didn't repay me her lottery club money, another $40. I still won't ask. Then I threw a baby shower for a coworker and although she had agreed to cover some costs. She did not. Meanwhile I'm going to develop an ulcer over it cause I would never ever do such a thing. But she will never see a brass cent outta me again. I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Another coworker owed me a refund of $75 for a service not rendered. My usual would be to never mention the ugly vulgar money thing. Instead, and this is way out of my comfort zone I sent her a paypal money request and received full payment and an apology within the hour. I feel so empowered thanks Diana.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I went to bed thinking on this issue and I am now convinced she's playing you for a ditz. Perhaps after having the conversation with you where she refuses to be the broker for the reasons you listed she then discussed it with someone else who convinced her she was nuts for giving up on a hefty commission she was going to miss out on. One she wasn't qualified to receive and one she certainly wasn't going to compete for. I think this is a ploy to have you guys feel bad and doubt your own memory and hand over a butt load of cash to her. She isn't a friend you need if she does that.

I'm usually a big pushover when it comes to friends and money. I am a generous person and as a cultural thing if you owe me money I find it rude and crass to have to ask for it so I don't. Works well to others advantage and sees me screwed on most occasions. A coworker of mine owes me $60 for something. I never asked for it and she never offered. She then didn't repay me her lottery club money, another $40. I still won't ask. Then I threw a baby shower for a coworker and although she had agreed to cover some costs. She did not. Meanwhile I'm going to develop an ulcer over it cause I would never ever do such a thing. But she will never see a brass cent outta me again. I've decided to turn over a new leaf. Another coworker owed me a refund of $75 for a service not rendered. My usual would be to never mention the ugly vulgar money thing. Instead, and this is way out of my comfort zone I sent her a paypal money request and received full payment and an apology within the hour. I feel so empowered thanks Diana.

And today's mail did NOT bring either Payment #5 (due Jan. 20th) or Payment #6 (due Feb. 20th), out of a series of six total payments, for a car sold to a "friend." He said one check would be mailed Tuesday of this week. And the other by the end of the month. I feared/knew this would happen. It did.

(I still maintain Legal Ownership...and one of the keys...and I could repo the damed thing...I guess.)

 

[Clematis]

I'm so sorry. The kind of arguments where y'go "WTF just happened???" really rip me up. They make no sense and because they make no sense, there seems to be no way to repair the damage.

If a real friend changed her mind about wanting to list your house she would simply call and say "Hey look, I know I said I didn't want the listing but I really do need the listing now. May I put my name back on the table?" All this crazy "the conversation never took place" is manipulative. Perhaps her boss pressured her assuming of course she would get her friend's/neighbor's listing. But the reason doesn't matter now. Whether or not it's true, I'd say you have already signed the contract with the other agent so you don't have to feel pressured to hire her.

BTW, I don;t think she's been working you for the business for 15 years. That's waaay too long a sales cycle for a house commission.

But friends and business don't mix. I have never had a good ending to hiring a friend. They have ALWAYS acted like they were doing me a favor even though they were paid the same as anyone else. And I know I always expect MORE from a friend, yet always get less. My best friend was the purchasing agent for the house we live in now -- this was in the 90s before one could see listings online -- one had to use a realtor even to know of the listings. She would complain about having to bring us the weekly listings, rarely even went with us to see the houses and when this house closed and she made $18,000, there was no champagne waiting as anyone else she sold to received, not even a "thank you for the commission". In fact after a few drinks, she hissed that she was angry with me because I never called to thank her for all the work she did in finding us the house! (Uh, doesn't the commission say thank you?)

So whaddaya do now? If you want to salvage any part of the friendship, it has to be done face to face. But I don't think this friendship will ever be the same and once you head off in the trailer, I doubt you'll ever speak again. As for the wedding, perhaps this is something that needs to be addressed in the face to face. A direct "Do you still want us to come to your wedding?" is needed. And then you get the fun of deciding how much to spend on the wedding present....

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I'm so sorry. The kind of arguments where y'go "WTF just happened???" really rip me up. They make no sense and because they make no sense, there seems to be no way to repair the damage.

If a real friend changed her mind about wanting to list your house she would simply call and say "Hey look, I know I said I didn't want the listing but I really do need the listing now. May I put my name back on the table?" All this crazy "the conversation never took place" is manipulative. Perhaps her boss pressured her assuming of course she would get her friend's/neighbor's listing. But the reason doesn't matter now. Whether or not it's true, I'd say you have already signed the contract with the other agent so you don't have to feel pressured to hire her.

BTW, I don;t think she's been working you for the business for 15 years. That's waaay too long a sales cycle for a house commission.

But friends and business don't mix. I have never had a good ending to hiring a friend. They have ALWAYS acted like they were doing me a favor even though they were paid the same as anyone else. And I know I always expect MORE from a friend, yet always get less. My best friend was the purchasing agent for the house we live in now -- this was in the 90s before one could see listings online -- one had to use a realtor even to know of the listings. She would complain about having to bring us the weekly listings, rarely even went with us to see the houses and when this house closed and she made $18,000, there was no champagne waiting as anyone else she sold to received, not even a "thank you for the commission". In fact after a few drinks, she hissed that she was angry with me because I never called to thank her for all the work she did in finding us the house! (Uh, doesn't the commission say thank you?)

So whaddaya do now? If you want to salvage any part of the friendship, it has to be done face to face. But I don't think this friendship will ever be the same and once you head off in the trailer, I doubt you'll ever speak again. As for the wedding, perhaps this is something that needs to be addressed in the face to face. A direct "Do you still want us to come to your wedding?" is needed. And then you get the fun of deciding how much to spend on the wedding present....

She probably can't say that she has already signed with someone else, because I think the listing agent has a contractual obligation to list the property s/he is selling on the multiple in a timely fashion. So the listing agent would have to put up with accusations.

 

[DianaCox]

I signed my part of the docusign for the listing - Charles is waiting for the link to show up in his email to sign his part. So it will go on the MLS as a coming soon or something by Tuesday.

OK, Mitra has had her license for 12 years - my how time flies. But that doesn't change things.

I wrote and rewrote an email to her, which I finally just sent - instead of the ones 5X as long which kept turning into rants defending myself in nitpicky detail.

Dear Mitra,

No matter whose recollection is correct about a conversation which occurred over a year ago, there is no doubt that you and I each have a sincerely held belief that is inconsistent with the other’s recollection. This is not something that can be solved – there was no recording. But after 15 years of what I thought was a friendship (and not just a “relationship”), I certainly was disappointed and hurt by your reaction – even after I told you what I believed you had said, which explained why I didn’t ask you to compete for our listing.

I never intended to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry that this misunderstanding had that effect. I hope you can understand that Charles and I have been behaving consistently with my understanding that you had already refused to represent us, for reasons which actually make sense if you think about it. But I would like to put this behind us. Please let me know when you would like to talk.​

If that doesn't work, I'm done.

 

[Whit]

Trust your instincts. The nextdoor neighbor issue is a conflict of interest and could impact your sale. YOUR sale. This desicion is critical and could cost you thousands tens of thousands.

To me it looks like she has lost a friend over a commission. Be cordial and neighborly and forget about it. Wait a bher for if she would rather you not attend.
It's her day. Take the high road. Oh and still send a gift.

 

[southernlady]

I signed my part of the docusign for the listing - Charles is waiting for the link to show up in his email to sign his part. So it will go on the MLS as a coming soon or something by Tuesday.

OK, Mitra has had her license for 12 years - my how time flies. But that doesn't change things.

I wrote and rewrote an email to her, which I finally just sent - instead of the ones 5X as long which kept turning into rants defending myself in nitpicky detail.

Dear Mitra,

No matter whose recollection is correct about a conversation which occurred over a year ago, there is no doubt that you and I each have a sincerely held belief that is inconsistent with the other’s recollection. This is not something that can be solved – there was no recording. But after 15 years of what I thought was a friendship (and not just a “relationship”), I certainly was disappointed and hurt by your reaction – even after I told you what I believed you had said, which explained why I didn’t ask you to compete for our listing.

I never intended to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry that this misunderstanding had that effect. I hope you can understand that Charles and I have been behaving consistently with my understanding that you had already refused to represent us, for reasons which actually make sense if you think about it. But I would like to put this behind us. Please let me know when you would like to talk.​

If that doesn't work, I'm done.

At least you have tried to repair the friendship...now it's her turn.

 

[Clematis]

Nice email @DianaCox

Hope it turns her around.

 

[hilary1617]

I like your note and even more so, your kindness and willingness to fight for your friendship. I hope it works out.

 

[CaraOC]

I signed my part of the docusign for the listing - Charles is waiting for the link to show up in his email to sign his part. So it will go on the MLS as a coming soon or something by Tuesday.

OK, Mitra has had her license for 12 years - my how time flies. But that doesn't change things.

I wrote and rewrote an email to her, which I finally just sent - instead of the ones 5X as long which kept turning into rants defending myself in nitpicky detail.

Dear Mitra,

No matter whose recollection is correct about a conversation which occurred over a year ago, there is no doubt that you and I each have a sincerely held belief that is inconsistent with the other’s recollection. This is not something that can be solved – there was no recording. But after 15 years of what I thought was a friendship (and not just a “relationship”), I certainly was disappointed and hurt by your reaction – even after I told you what I believed you had said, which explained why I didn’t ask you to compete for our listing.

I never intended to hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry that this misunderstanding had that effect. I hope you can understand that Charles and I have been behaving consistently with my understanding that you had already refused to represent us, for reasons which actually make sense if you think about it. But I would like to put this behind us. Please let me know when you would like to talk.​

If that doesn't work, I'm done.

I think this is succinct and without finger pointing. You're a better woman than I because after the line about our "relationship" ending I would have went ape shit and said stuff in my normal lack of filter Tourette's fashion and the friendship would not be salvageable. Then she would have been able to tell others that I snubbed her and verbally assaulted her.

Sadly this has turned into a little mini soap drama thing for me. We discussed the whole scenario at work in the nurses lounge and everyone agrees you're on the higher path. I have been wondering if and when she would respond. My gut feeling is she will not, but instead sulk like a wronged child and you will lose sleep over it and work on a gastric ulcer. The ball is in her court but if she isn't forthcoming with her response then I would say screw her!! If it makes you feel better we could all carbo load and come over and take a dump on her lawn!!

 

[DianaCox]

I'm kind of pleased with the note myself - after 3 days of writing and editing pages-long defenses of myself, I had "condensed" it down to 8-10 paragraphs of bullet points, and was about to hit send, but read it to Charles who pointed out that I was completely not doing what Ian had suggested, so I quickly distilled it down to what I think needed to be said. As of 11:30 AM, there has been no response from her.

Oh, and I'm glad I put in the part about "why I didn’t ask you to compete for our listing" - because I frankly didn't want to give her the impression that I would have just given the listing to her, even if she had wanted it.

 

[newanatomy]

The onerous is all on your "friend". She made the assumption that she was entitled to your business due to a friendship. Why didn't she mention that she wanted to be considered during any of the previous conversations regarding the listing? She never asked you for your business. Sorry, she is no friend.

 

[Munchkin]

I'm with the Bugger on this one! Your house sale is much too important to be left in the hands of a part time realtor/hairdresser. I remember you talking about her several times over the years and your help when her relative was in the hospital. You did the right thing!

 

[DianaCox]

Still no reply from Mitra. Charles (who has been outside a lot this week, as he's been loading the dumpster we rented) has noticed that her car hasn't been out front since Thursday. It could be that she is staying at her house, packing up and getting it ready to rent, but it's interesting.

Ian was outside yesterday, and pruned some of his plants that Charles wanted cut back, but Charles noted that he was very guarded and reserved in his conversations with him. And they wisely did not discuss the situation between Mitra and me.

In the meantime, not only have Charles and my daughter confirmed that I told them over a year ago when they mentioned asking Mitra to represent us that I said she had already refused, my stepdaughter came over this morning, and when I told her about what was going on (because Mitra cuts her hair too, so I wanted to head off any awkward situations), she said she was part of a conversation with Mitra and me last year in which she heard Mitra say the same thing. While I don't recall that particular conversation, probably because it wasn't as surprising to me as the first time I heard it from Mitra, I am not surprised to hear my understanding corroborated.

I'm thinking this is a done deal. Oh well.

I need a haircut and color, badly. Mitra has been the only person who has cut my hair for about 15 years. I need to find someone to do it - with whom I will NOT have a long-term relationship, because we're leaving the area. So, what do you think about this little coincidence: remember that I said that the broker we signed with, Phil, is married to a friend of my daughter? They were friends in high school - and Kendra is a hairstylist who does my daughter's hair. My daughter suggested I go to her, but it might take a while to get an appointment because she is very busy - I think I might tell Phil the story and see if I can get in quicker.