This is really long, but the nuances matter, I think (or I'm just indulging in a long-winded gripe, accompanied by butt-hurtness). Please feel free to ignore.
Background: Charles and I met Mitra about 15 years ago, when she started cutting our hair at a nearby salon. We became friendly over the years, and moved our friendship into the "real world" years ago. She was invited to our house for many family events - birthdays, holidays, baby shower, and she was a guest at my daughter's wedding (she did not do anyone's hair for the event - purely as a guest). When we have our hair cut by her at the salon, we pay full price, plus tip.
In fact, Mitra was at our house for Charles' 60th birthday party, when she met Ian, our next door neighbor who was also at the party, and they started dating. They got engaged last year, and are getting married next month, and we are invited to the wedding.
Perhaps I should note that the only party that Mitra has invited us to with her family before the wedding was a couple of years ago, when she held Ian's 50th birthday party at her home. But she is an Iranian immigrant with a rather traditional family, many of whom don't speak English, so I figured that was probably the reason.
Also over the years, Mitra has asked me for input about minor legal issues she has had - she had a friend turn somewhat stalkerish after she started dating Ian, and I helped her draft a cease and desist letter; a couple of times I counseled her about consumer issues with a custom-ordered product that was unacceptable, and a lost gift card, and then there was the time her father was in the hospital dying of pancreatic cancer and she was upset about an aspect of his care, and I imposed on a friend who knew the CFO of the hospital to contact the CFO and intervene. Just the sort of thing a friend would do for a friend.
About 10 years ago, Mitra - who was a single parent to two children around our kids' ages - started going to school to get her real estate license, and even after she got her license and started working for a local well-known nationwide realtor, she kept doing hair part time as well - steady income, plus as she often told me, she sometimes got real estate clients from her salon clientele.
About a year ago, when Charles and I started thinking about selling our house, I talked to her about it - and the first thing she said to me was that she would NOT be representing us in selling the house, because we were friends, and wanted to keep it that way. She said she would of course be willing to "consult" while we went through the process, but that she would not represent us.
I was frankly surprised at the time, because I understood that she represented her salon clientele, but then again, we were really FRIENDS too, so it kind of made sense. In particular, after she and Ian got engaged and she started making plans to move in with him next door, it became clear how wise that decision to not represent us was, because not only would representing us likely be a strain on the friendship - there is a SIGNIFICANT amount of money involved - but she would be in a per se conflict based on the fact that any prospective buyer was also a potential next door neighbor for her - which could mean she might unconsciously or otherwise counsel against selling to someone she didn't want as a neighbor, or pressure us to accept a crappy offer from someone she DID want as a neighbor.
All in all, it seemed like a very smart thing for her to have said, and I was actually touched by her turning down an almost sure thing of being selected as our agent, for the sake of our friendship.
Over the last year, I have mentioned stuff about selling the house to her - including at one point, trying to figure out the price to list it on Zillow's "Make Me Move" website. She sent me some insider information about recent and pending sales, and we talked it over for about an hour on afternoon. I have tried to not talk to her about details too much, because I didn't want to impose on her kind offer to "consult" until I really needed her help.
The Zillow post generated quite a bit of interest from realtors (and a few potential buyers, but only one lowball offer). Over the last couple of months, we have interviewed about 12 agents who contacted us, and have pretty much settled on an agent from another realtor - we hit it off with him, it turns out his wife is a friend of my daughter's, he reduced the fee from 6% to 5%, and he is going to pay to stage the house out of his fee. We negotiated in a businesslike way, with him saying he is giving us a "friends-and-family" discount - but while he's a nice guy, we are NOT friends with him, and if we end up angry at him, it would be no skin off my nose, or my daughter's.
I didn't ask Mitra for a recommendation for an agent from her employer, because I figured it would be the same problem - if I asked her for advice with dealing with a coworker, it would be a similarly uncomfortable conflict situation. But when we were planning our trip around the Southwest last fall, and two of my friends who had moved to Santa Fe were lobbying for us to move there, I asked Mitra to refer me to someone from her company to talk to while we were there - and we made a point to meet her coworker at an open house on that trip, even though we were not interested in moving anytime soon, because it was the polite thing to do, in particular for Mitra's sake as the referring agent.
A couple of weeks ago, Mitra accidentally locked herself out of her house early in the morning, while wearing her bathrobe. Ian had already left for work, so she knocked on our door and asked if she could wait at the house while he drove back, and we sat and chit-chatted. As it happened, one of the agents who contacted me based on the Zillow post was from her employer (although I didn't care for them). While she was waiting for Ian to get back, I casually mentioned to Mitra having met with the agent from her firm, and that I was considering them as well as others, because it didn't look like the FSBO, "as-is" approach we were hoping for was going to work. I didn't think a thing about having mentioned this, because it was crystal clear to me that we were on the same page about the whole issue. And she didn't say anything about it either.
A couple of days ago, Charles was outside and saw Ian, and they were chatting for a moment, and Charles mentioned that we were about to list the house with an agent from Coldwell Banker.
Last evening, I texted Mitra and asked her if she had found another salon - I had heard from my daughter, who has a friend who worked at the same salon as a waxer, that the shop had closed - and if so, did she have time to do my hair now so I would look nice for her wedding (on April 16th). She said she had, and asked if Friday at 1 was OK. I said yes, and then we had the following exchange, which left me reeling:
She did not answer that text and I haven't heard anything from her since. I am still in shock.
I wrote (but did not send) a long email last night that went over the chronology in detail, and explained that from the git-go, I was quite clear that she had immediately insisted that she would not represent us, and that I was surprised and a little miffed, but after I thought about it, it made perfect sense - not just from the risking-the-friendship point of view, but because of the potential conflicts, including that we might expect concessions from her as our agent (the market here is VERY hot - very few listings available and prices are very high) which would be uncomfortable to ask for because we are friends, or conversely, that as friends, we might be the clients from hell, with unreasonable demands and expectations that would be difficult to manage because of the friendship. Plus, the whole potential next door neighbor thing.
And I said if I had misunderstood her statement as being a "white lie" to be polite, and to not appear to be taking advantage of our friendship to get the listing without competition, and that I was supposed to have tried to talk her into taking the listing anyway, I obviously completely didn't get it. I never tried to change her mind because what she said made sense, and because she seemed to me to be so adamant about it, that trying to change her mind would have been RUDE - it appeared to me to be based on her good and principled ethical view of the situation, and NOT negotiable, so I never brought it up again.
Now I feel like we've never been friends at ALL, and that the only reason she has been accepting our invitations to family functions has been to cultivate us as a real estate client, and that all we have been to her is a potential mid-5-figures commission. And once again, I feel like I have been suckered by someone trying to exploit my good nature. And this time, even Charles didn't see it.
I am in a quandary. I don't even know what to say or do at this point. Does anyone have any advice? (And do I assume we have been disinvited from the wedding on the 16th?)
Background: Charles and I met Mitra about 15 years ago, when she started cutting our hair at a nearby salon. We became friendly over the years, and moved our friendship into the "real world" years ago. She was invited to our house for many family events - birthdays, holidays, baby shower, and she was a guest at my daughter's wedding (she did not do anyone's hair for the event - purely as a guest). When we have our hair cut by her at the salon, we pay full price, plus tip.
In fact, Mitra was at our house for Charles' 60th birthday party, when she met Ian, our next door neighbor who was also at the party, and they started dating. They got engaged last year, and are getting married next month, and we are invited to the wedding.
Perhaps I should note that the only party that Mitra has invited us to with her family before the wedding was a couple of years ago, when she held Ian's 50th birthday party at her home. But she is an Iranian immigrant with a rather traditional family, many of whom don't speak English, so I figured that was probably the reason.
Also over the years, Mitra has asked me for input about minor legal issues she has had - she had a friend turn somewhat stalkerish after she started dating Ian, and I helped her draft a cease and desist letter; a couple of times I counseled her about consumer issues with a custom-ordered product that was unacceptable, and a lost gift card, and then there was the time her father was in the hospital dying of pancreatic cancer and she was upset about an aspect of his care, and I imposed on a friend who knew the CFO of the hospital to contact the CFO and intervene. Just the sort of thing a friend would do for a friend.
About 10 years ago, Mitra - who was a single parent to two children around our kids' ages - started going to school to get her real estate license, and even after she got her license and started working for a local well-known nationwide realtor, she kept doing hair part time as well - steady income, plus as she often told me, she sometimes got real estate clients from her salon clientele.
About a year ago, when Charles and I started thinking about selling our house, I talked to her about it - and the first thing she said to me was that she would NOT be representing us in selling the house, because we were friends, and wanted to keep it that way. She said she would of course be willing to "consult" while we went through the process, but that she would not represent us.
I was frankly surprised at the time, because I understood that she represented her salon clientele, but then again, we were really FRIENDS too, so it kind of made sense. In particular, after she and Ian got engaged and she started making plans to move in with him next door, it became clear how wise that decision to not represent us was, because not only would representing us likely be a strain on the friendship - there is a SIGNIFICANT amount of money involved - but she would be in a per se conflict based on the fact that any prospective buyer was also a potential next door neighbor for her - which could mean she might unconsciously or otherwise counsel against selling to someone she didn't want as a neighbor, or pressure us to accept a crappy offer from someone she DID want as a neighbor.
All in all, it seemed like a very smart thing for her to have said, and I was actually touched by her turning down an almost sure thing of being selected as our agent, for the sake of our friendship.
Over the last year, I have mentioned stuff about selling the house to her - including at one point, trying to figure out the price to list it on Zillow's "Make Me Move" website. She sent me some insider information about recent and pending sales, and we talked it over for about an hour on afternoon. I have tried to not talk to her about details too much, because I didn't want to impose on her kind offer to "consult" until I really needed her help.
The Zillow post generated quite a bit of interest from realtors (and a few potential buyers, but only one lowball offer). Over the last couple of months, we have interviewed about 12 agents who contacted us, and have pretty much settled on an agent from another realtor - we hit it off with him, it turns out his wife is a friend of my daughter's, he reduced the fee from 6% to 5%, and he is going to pay to stage the house out of his fee. We negotiated in a businesslike way, with him saying he is giving us a "friends-and-family" discount - but while he's a nice guy, we are NOT friends with him, and if we end up angry at him, it would be no skin off my nose, or my daughter's.
I didn't ask Mitra for a recommendation for an agent from her employer, because I figured it would be the same problem - if I asked her for advice with dealing with a coworker, it would be a similarly uncomfortable conflict situation. But when we were planning our trip around the Southwest last fall, and two of my friends who had moved to Santa Fe were lobbying for us to move there, I asked Mitra to refer me to someone from her company to talk to while we were there - and we made a point to meet her coworker at an open house on that trip, even though we were not interested in moving anytime soon, because it was the polite thing to do, in particular for Mitra's sake as the referring agent.
A couple of weeks ago, Mitra accidentally locked herself out of her house early in the morning, while wearing her bathrobe. Ian had already left for work, so she knocked on our door and asked if she could wait at the house while he drove back, and we sat and chit-chatted. As it happened, one of the agents who contacted me based on the Zillow post was from her employer (although I didn't care for them). While she was waiting for Ian to get back, I casually mentioned to Mitra having met with the agent from her firm, and that I was considering them as well as others, because it didn't look like the FSBO, "as-is" approach we were hoping for was going to work. I didn't think a thing about having mentioned this, because it was crystal clear to me that we were on the same page about the whole issue. And she didn't say anything about it either.
A couple of days ago, Charles was outside and saw Ian, and they were chatting for a moment, and Charles mentioned that we were about to list the house with an agent from Coldwell Banker.
Last evening, I texted Mitra and asked her if she had found another salon - I had heard from my daughter, who has a friend who worked at the same salon as a waxer, that the shop had closed - and if so, did she have time to do my hair now so I would look nice for her wedding (on April 16th). She said she had, and asked if Friday at 1 was OK. I said yes, and then we had the following exchange, which left me reeling:
I will confirm the time when I check my schedule. BTW, Ian told me he was talking 2 Charles the other day & Ian understood Charles 2 say u guys we getting ready 2 list with a Coldwell Banker agent. Is that right?
Yes
WOW.
Something I should know?
I thought we had few long conversations within past few years about listing ur house with me. I wonder y I didn't get the courtesy from u 2 let me know u r listing it with someone else.
Mitra, you EXPLICITLY told me you didn't want our listing, because we are friends and you didn't want to risk anything getting in the way of that! We talked about it the first time I mentioned to you - FIRST- that we were thinking about selling - nearly a year ago
Doesn't ring a bell. I never said that. NEVER.
I was surprised, but thought that was wise and smart. You offered to "consult" if we had questions while dealing with whomever we picked to represent us. I am REALLY clear that that is what you told me!
I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding - from my very clear recollection, and Charles' too, I went to you first, but you said you didn't want to represent us. I'm sure we've discussed it multiple times since then.
I didn't ask you for a referral to someone local with Keller for the same reason - I thought you would not want to be put in an awkward position of counseling us, if we asked for your input, against a coworker.
But I did ask you for the referral to the Santa Fe Keller agent, because I valued your input and thought an agent in a different state was ok.
This is a sad & serious misunderstanding. But that does not change the fact that I am disappointed & hurt. Wishing u the best. I never thought our long & special relationship will end this way.
What? Why would it end over a misunderstanding like this? I asked you FIRST, and I thought you were very clear that you would NOT feel comfortable representing us! I didn't ask again because you were very clear on that point.
I am shocked that you don't have the same recollection, but even more so that you are saying it would end our friendship.
Yes
WOW.
Something I should know?
I thought we had few long conversations within past few years about listing ur house with me. I wonder y I didn't get the courtesy from u 2 let me know u r listing it with someone else.
Mitra, you EXPLICITLY told me you didn't want our listing, because we are friends and you didn't want to risk anything getting in the way of that! We talked about it the first time I mentioned to you - FIRST- that we were thinking about selling - nearly a year ago
Doesn't ring a bell. I never said that. NEVER.
I was surprised, but thought that was wise and smart. You offered to "consult" if we had questions while dealing with whomever we picked to represent us. I am REALLY clear that that is what you told me!
I'm sorry if there was a misunderstanding - from my very clear recollection, and Charles' too, I went to you first, but you said you didn't want to represent us. I'm sure we've discussed it multiple times since then.
I didn't ask you for a referral to someone local with Keller for the same reason - I thought you would not want to be put in an awkward position of counseling us, if we asked for your input, against a coworker.
But I did ask you for the referral to the Santa Fe Keller agent, because I valued your input and thought an agent in a different state was ok.
This is a sad & serious misunderstanding. But that does not change the fact that I am disappointed & hurt. Wishing u the best. I never thought our long & special relationship will end this way.
What? Why would it end over a misunderstanding like this? I asked you FIRST, and I thought you were very clear that you would NOT feel comfortable representing us! I didn't ask again because you were very clear on that point.
I am shocked that you don't have the same recollection, but even more so that you are saying it would end our friendship.
She did not answer that text and I haven't heard anything from her since. I am still in shock.
I wrote (but did not send) a long email last night that went over the chronology in detail, and explained that from the git-go, I was quite clear that she had immediately insisted that she would not represent us, and that I was surprised and a little miffed, but after I thought about it, it made perfect sense - not just from the risking-the-friendship point of view, but because of the potential conflicts, including that we might expect concessions from her as our agent (the market here is VERY hot - very few listings available and prices are very high) which would be uncomfortable to ask for because we are friends, or conversely, that as friends, we might be the clients from hell, with unreasonable demands and expectations that would be difficult to manage because of the friendship. Plus, the whole potential next door neighbor thing.
And I said if I had misunderstood her statement as being a "white lie" to be polite, and to not appear to be taking advantage of our friendship to get the listing without competition, and that I was supposed to have tried to talk her into taking the listing anyway, I obviously completely didn't get it. I never tried to change her mind because what she said made sense, and because she seemed to me to be so adamant about it, that trying to change her mind would have been RUDE - it appeared to me to be based on her good and principled ethical view of the situation, and NOT negotiable, so I never brought it up again.
Now I feel like we've never been friends at ALL, and that the only reason she has been accepting our invitations to family functions has been to cultivate us as a real estate client, and that all we have been to her is a potential mid-5-figures commission. And once again, I feel like I have been suckered by someone trying to exploit my good nature. And this time, even Charles didn't see it.
I am in a quandary. I don't even know what to say or do at this point. Does anyone have any advice? (And do I assume we have been disinvited from the wedding on the 16th?)
