Death happens

[DianaCox]

My son (34) called me late this afternoon, crying hysterically. His girlfriend was in the background, also weeping. It was a little hard to understand them, but I got the gist - the older woman from whom they sublet the upstairs of a condo had died during the day while my son (who works nights) was asleep upstairs. His girlfriend found the body when she got home from work.

The woman was about to move away - perhaps because she was ill (my daughter said she had a severe ulcer and was an alcoholic) - and was arranging for the kids to move to a friend of hers’ house at the end of the month. I don’t know if things had been arranged yet. I never heard much about her from the kids, so I didn’t get the impression that they were close, but my son had been living with her for over 2 years and the girlfriend for about a year. I had never met her.

I am 66, and I have never seen a dead body. My son has been pretty sheltered from it too. I have lost a few people over the years, of course, including my mother 2 years ago, but never been there for it. Just this year, I answered a similar phone call from my weeping brother, when a close friend of the family (long story, but he is my brothers’ age and lived with my parents for a time as a teen, and I thought of him as a third brother), who was homeless and living with my brothers at their auto shop, died in the middle of the night (on the toilet, of all places), just a few days short of 60. Then this summer, after visiting my oldest friend (we’ve known each other since we were 10) and her husband (they met at my first wedding in 1981) for 3 days in Reno on our summer RV trip, 5 days later, he took a nap and died in his sleep (he was 73 but other than being mostly blind, he was very fit).

Unattended and unexpected deaths involve police, and waiting for the coroner and cleaning up the inevitable mess. These are things I’ve never dealt with. I talked my brother and my son through it, but from a distance. (My girlfriend and her caretaker [my girlfriend has Parkinson’s] are both nurses, so it was nothing new for them.)

My 88 year old father is moving in with us in 3 weeks. I hope I can maintain my direct death naivety for awhile longer. I’m sorry my son has lost his.

 

[JackieOnLine]

My 88 year old father is moving in with us in 3 weeks.

I am so glad for both of you. it's natural to worry about how it ends but it could be a long time yet and meanwhile you have the privilege of caring for your Dad.

no reason it shouldn't be a joy!

 

[hilary1617]

I echo Jackie's very eloquent sentiments about your dad.

I'm sorry for your son's experience and for his condo-mate's family. The loss and experience must have been very upsetting and it seems he will likely have to move sooner than he may have expected. That's a lot to absorb in the course of a day.

 

[DianaCox]

My son doesn’t have a lot of resilience. But I was very happy too see him post this last night. The Stag is the bar where he is the KJ, and it’s kind of like a Cheers bar - the people who hang out there are like an extended family.

“Kaylee and I have had a very bad day. We are gonna go to Stag for the Sharks game. We really need as many friends as possible to come out. We need a lot of comforting. If you can make it, please do.”

 

[DianaCox]

My husband and I are really looking forward to Dad coming to live with us. His dementia so far has mostly affected his short term memory, and he is still mostly himself otherwise - smart and kind and loving. I hope that doesn’t change.

 

[Munchkin]

My husband and I are really looking forward to Dad coming to live with us. His dementia so far has mostly affected his short term memory, and he is still mostly himself otherwise - smart and kind and loving. I hope that doesn’t change.

I took care of my father for more than 10 years. The longest 10 years of my life. I wish you the best. Don't let it ruin YOUR life and be open to the possibility that there may come a time when your home is no longer the place he needs to be. My father was no prize package and he was violent and angry so I am sure that colored my whole experience. Plus I was also working full time plus, maintaining a huge home and yard. Burning the candle at both ends.

When I look back on it, my parents would have been much better off in assisted living. I barely managed doing all the above plus all their medical appointments. They had zero social life or interaction with other people. I did it because it was what my parents wanted. But it was probably not the best for them.

 

[DianaCox]

I could NEVER have taken care my mother - she was always a difficult person. My sister, who supervised her care in VA for the last years of her life, felt the same. When my mother’s dementia became disruptive in the retirement home, even with 24-hour aide supervision, she was moved to an SNF.

We live in a 55+ community, and I’m hoping to give my dad involved in his own social life. For the last 15 years, his “friends” were only his ladyfriend’s friends - she didn’t approve of the friends he had before they met.

We have plenty of time to ferry him to appointments, and with the VA, he can get in-home routine visits, assuming the same services exist in AZ as in CA.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

My sister got too close to that experience, just last night. Driving home from younger grandson’s last football game of the year—luckily on a surface street, not the freeway—my BIL who is always trying to die had a syncope episode. He managed to get the car to the side of the road.

Now comes the Are You REALLY Going to Keep Driving debates.

 

[DianaCox]

It got worse - apparently the dead “roommate” - who was the one on the lease - had been pocketing the kids’ rent payments and they were in the process of being evicted. Which my son hadn’t mentioned. And after finding out she was dead, the landlord told my son and girlfriend to get out immediately. They are staying at her parents’ house temporarily. Oy.

And he’s mad at me for suggesting they consider moving to AZ since they will never be able to afford anything decent in San Jose with their low wage, part time jobs.

Dad calls most days, usually upset - today he was crying. He’s feeling scared about what’s going on with him, and feels like he’s abandoning his ladyfriend, even though she is the one who had decided he has to go. I keep reminding him it’s her decision, and that he will surely be better off when she’s not always getting upset at him.

2-1/2 weeks.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

It got worse - apparently the dead “roommate” - who was the one on the lease - had been pocketing the kids’ rent payments and they were in the process of being evicted. Which my son hadn’t mentioned. And after finding out she was dead, the landlord told my son and girlfriend to get out immediately. They are staying at her parents’ house temporarily. Oy.

And he’s mad at me for suggesting they consider moving to AZ since they will never be able to afford anything decent in San Jose with their low wage, part time jobs.

Dad calls most days, usually upset - today he was crying. He’s feeling scared about what’s going on with him, and feels like he’s abandoning his ladyfriend, even though she is the one who had decided he has to go. I keep reminding him it’s her decision, and that he will surely be better off when she’s not always getting upset at him.

2-1/2 weeks.

might she have an estate that can repay them for her misdeed?

 

[DianaCox]

Unlikely. She was an alcoholic who had to share a rental condo with two strangers to have a roof over her head.

 

[hilary1617]

Housing transitions are incredibly stressful, especially when they seem forced upon us by circumstances or the decisions of others. I feel for your son and dad and you.

I think that to combat worry it's key to find something about the future environs to which to look forward and to keep at the forefront. Maybe more opportunities for family dinners and time together with you for your dad and some new beginnings / wider net for job opportunities for your son?

Sharing the Bing Crosby song that my dad used to sing to me when I was worried as a child. I know play it for him when he's having a tough day because it gets his toes tapping and shifts the mood. Music is so generational - maybe your dad would enjoy a listen:

 

[DianaCox]

My son is peculiarly averse to change and thus making decisions to change. He is uninterested in travel, looking for a better job, expanding his education. He doesn’t leave his girlfriends - they all leave him. I don’t understand how he became that way - he was exposed to travel, educational opportunities, informed decision-making and how moving on from dead-ends is a good thing - but he rejects all of it.

Dad will be OK once he gets here. Going through the parting process is necessary and healthy - the problem is, he doesn’t remember the conclusions and acceptance he arrives at the next day.

He texted me this last week, and I have copied and re-sent it to him 2 or 3 times to remind him of the process he has already been through to achieve acceptance. I know even people who don’t have memory issues revisit their conflicted emotions over and over, but I’m hoping his own words will work more effectively.

“Actually, I will better off in the end. I will still miss her but my living conditions will be much, much better. Sue will be alone and have to make new relationships. I will have you and Charles to start with a whole community to choose from for others.

I am getting a whole lot more good feeling out of writing to you. It makes me think and realize all the benefits that I will have, that I don’t have now, and fewer burdens that I have now.

Writing and thinking does have a lot of benefits!

Wow!”

Once he gets here, I hope he can forget the pain he went through to get here. His memory issues could prove beneficial for something?

 

[JackieOnLine]

Dad calls most days, usually upset - today he was crying.

the poor guy

His memory issues could prove beneficial for something?

I think early dementia is much harder on people because they know what is happening, at least part of the time they do. later on, as they no long know, is kinder.
while harder on their family.

Hilary, I love that song.