My Xmas present last night was my father’s ladyfriend finally making the travel arrangements for my father to move to AZ to come live with us - over 3 years after we moved here into a house with a suitable room for Dad, and not upgrading our RV and traveling for a couple of years as we had originally planned, because the ladyfriend insisted he was getting to be more trouble than he was worth (my words, but her sentiments) due to cognitive impairment.
However, every time her deadline came, she extended it another few months, messing with our plans. As she started deteriorating herself (going blind, mobility problems), her tolerance for his memory issues decreased (he was doing the shopping, cooking, being her companion); however, at the same time, her own cognitive issues - in particular loss of social filters, resulting in her already irritating superiority issues and self-importance being freely and frequently expressed - were making Dad miserable. When he forgot things, she berated him or got condescending; with service people, especially waitstaff, she is downright nasty at times, which he finds excruciatingly embarrassing. I got lots of phone calls from him during which I had to calm him down from being either or both of angry and crying. But he felt responsible for taking care of her, even though she had refused to marry him or make any promises about taking care of him after 15+ years together. (She has money, while he literally has nothing but Social Security and a VA pension.)
Over the last year, it was becoming clear that she needed to move into assisted living soon. Our original plans were that when we left California in mid-July after spending a couple of months away from the AZ summer heat, we would be taking him with us. She then reneged. Then he was going to come in August. Then early September so he could go in an RV trip with us. Then October. Then before Thanksgiving.
His ladyfriend finally put her condo on the market and had a deposit, and bought her place in a fancy assisted living facility (that would cost her money - THAT SHE HAS - to keep him with her). He was supposed to move here in December 11th. By then, I had made plans to have a family reunion the weekend of December 14th - my sister bought plane tickets, the kids had made arrangements, my brothers agreed to drive from LA - and then the sale of the condo fell through, and Dad suddenly didn’t want to leave. Normally, the ladyfriend makes all the decisions for him, and everything was already arranged (including a companion to fly with him who she was paying for, even though my son wanted to do it), but this time, she “deferred” to his wishes. After much wrangling (and Charles and me cussing and fuming offline), they finally agreed to have him come for 5 days, fly back, and come back here by the end of the year.
When he was here, it became clear that my fears had been substantially realized - Dad is considerably worse than he was last summer. He misplaced his hearing aids. He could not remember that we keep the drinks in a second fridge. He got confused about where his room was in our 2100 sq ft house. But we’re hoping that the extreme stress he is currently under is part of the reason for the exacerbation of his issues, and that he will improve when he gets here.
Family pic:
Dad agreed to return by the end of the year - my reason for this deadline (in addition to the concerns about how the stress was wearing on him) is that we have a perfect RV trip planned with our RV club January 8-13 - we’re going to the Lake Havasu Balloon Festival, only 180 miles away, and only 5 days, so a good test of whether RV travel will be enjoyable for him.
More infuriating deflection and delay has gone on for the past 10 days, but the date was finally set last night, under intense pressure by me. Dad will finally be moving here January 2nd.
Dad will be 89 in April. We will keep him here with us as long as it is feasible and safe for him. He has VA benefits, so when we can’t manage his care, we will place him in a facility near us where we can intensively monitor his care.
I’m looking forward to this for a number of reasons. I want him away from his ladyfriend, who is incapable of treating him kindly when she loses patience with his issues. He is also still mostly himself, and we have been roommates in the past and he is a mostly cheerful agreeable person, which hasn’t changed (I would have never been able to tolerate my mother in my home again, as she was the opposite). And I think that this will be good for Charles - he has been somewhat ill for the last couple of years, and now has severe liver issues; he has become more sedentary than he needs to be, and I’m hoping that helping to take care of Dad - who will need exercise, and there are many classes available for both of them here - will get him up and around too.
Or not - it’s a crapshoot, but I’m thinking positively.
Happy holidays to all!
However, every time her deadline came, she extended it another few months, messing with our plans. As she started deteriorating herself (going blind, mobility problems), her tolerance for his memory issues decreased (he was doing the shopping, cooking, being her companion); however, at the same time, her own cognitive issues - in particular loss of social filters, resulting in her already irritating superiority issues and self-importance being freely and frequently expressed - were making Dad miserable. When he forgot things, she berated him or got condescending; with service people, especially waitstaff, she is downright nasty at times, which he finds excruciatingly embarrassing. I got lots of phone calls from him during which I had to calm him down from being either or both of angry and crying. But he felt responsible for taking care of her, even though she had refused to marry him or make any promises about taking care of him after 15+ years together. (She has money, while he literally has nothing but Social Security and a VA pension.)
Over the last year, it was becoming clear that she needed to move into assisted living soon. Our original plans were that when we left California in mid-July after spending a couple of months away from the AZ summer heat, we would be taking him with us. She then reneged. Then he was going to come in August. Then early September so he could go in an RV trip with us. Then October. Then before Thanksgiving.
His ladyfriend finally put her condo on the market and had a deposit, and bought her place in a fancy assisted living facility (that would cost her money - THAT SHE HAS - to keep him with her). He was supposed to move here in December 11th. By then, I had made plans to have a family reunion the weekend of December 14th - my sister bought plane tickets, the kids had made arrangements, my brothers agreed to drive from LA - and then the sale of the condo fell through, and Dad suddenly didn’t want to leave. Normally, the ladyfriend makes all the decisions for him, and everything was already arranged (including a companion to fly with him who she was paying for, even though my son wanted to do it), but this time, she “deferred” to his wishes. After much wrangling (and Charles and me cussing and fuming offline), they finally agreed to have him come for 5 days, fly back, and come back here by the end of the year.
When he was here, it became clear that my fears had been substantially realized - Dad is considerably worse than he was last summer. He misplaced his hearing aids. He could not remember that we keep the drinks in a second fridge. He got confused about where his room was in our 2100 sq ft house. But we’re hoping that the extreme stress he is currently under is part of the reason for the exacerbation of his issues, and that he will improve when he gets here.
Family pic:
Dad agreed to return by the end of the year - my reason for this deadline (in addition to the concerns about how the stress was wearing on him) is that we have a perfect RV trip planned with our RV club January 8-13 - we’re going to the Lake Havasu Balloon Festival, only 180 miles away, and only 5 days, so a good test of whether RV travel will be enjoyable for him.
More infuriating deflection and delay has gone on for the past 10 days, but the date was finally set last night, under intense pressure by me. Dad will finally be moving here January 2nd.
Dad will be 89 in April. We will keep him here with us as long as it is feasible and safe for him. He has VA benefits, so when we can’t manage his care, we will place him in a facility near us where we can intensively monitor his care.
I’m looking forward to this for a number of reasons. I want him away from his ladyfriend, who is incapable of treating him kindly when she loses patience with his issues. He is also still mostly himself, and we have been roommates in the past and he is a mostly cheerful agreeable person, which hasn’t changed (I would have never been able to tolerate my mother in my home again, as she was the opposite). And I think that this will be good for Charles - he has been somewhat ill for the last couple of years, and now has severe liver issues; he has become more sedentary than he needs to be, and I’m hoping that helping to take care of Dad - who will need exercise, and there are many classes available for both of them here - will get him up and around too.
Or not - it’s a crapshoot, but I’m thinking positively.
Happy holidays to all!
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Sounds like you've given this a lot of thought and the RV travel will be stimulating and reduce isolation, which is great. Might also want to try to engage him in pickleball or some racquet sport, if possible: 
