Boy! Do I come up with DIFFERENT questions!?!?

[Spiky Bugger]

Like this one, Is there a shrink in the house?

HELP!! I actually have a degree related to this, but when it’s this close to home…

“B” is an almost 12-year-old, female, kind of a “loner,” in that she eschews hanging with “the mean girls.” She has congenital social worker tendencies and she tends to befriend kids who really need a friend. Good on her. She recently befriended 12-year-old “L.” We later discover that L lives w/aunt and uncle, no mention yet of her mom. L’s father is in prison for raping L. She sees HER social worker, 125 miles away, in the jurisdiction where the crimes took place, once a week. BUT…she must have said something to her social worker that caused a week out of school getting special care. So there’s ALL that.

OF COURSE, L needs friends. And of course, B wants to be her friend. Current discussion is on what sort of parental involvement this relationship needs.

Obviously, at age 12, kids will balk at adult supervision. When my opinion was requested…and it was…I said that I would explain to B that even though the physical attack(s) on L have stopped, the emotional pain is still a very big part of L’s life and will be for a very long time. And that since L is getting help far from here, and can be gone…with no notice…for a week at a time or maybe even longer, it would be good for B to not be alone, worrying about L.

I think B’s parents need to help find a way to broaden the circle of friends/acquaintances for both of these girls. In the Dark Ages, a movie, bowling alley or an afternoon at the ice- or roller-skating rink or joining Scouting or a swim team with a few other kids might be options. But what activities are done THIS century? Or are group activities not a thing anymore? (Soccer finals are this week.). Volunteer organizations for the social good, like to save the man-eating goldfish? Or, developing new strains of kumquats?

I have no idea how many details of her attacks L has shared, how much B knows and understands. (We haven’t been alone recently.).

So…is there a shrink in the house. Or someone NOT too close to the situation? Whaddaya think?

 

[Larra]

Well, I'm not a shrink, nor do I portray one on TV, but I have a couple thoughts. First, while times have certainly changed from the Dark Ages when you and I were preteens, there are still group activities. Depending on her interests, there are sports teams, dance, gymnastics, place of religion youth groups (I didn't say church because I don't know her family's beliefs, if any), or her parents maybe could help with play dates. There are even volunteer activities a 12 year old could do, such as helping at a food bank, or with a group that works with animals.
Next, while B sounds like a lovely, giving person, does she perhaps need some emotional support or therapy for herself? One wonders why she doesn't wish to associate with more other kids her age, not all of whom are mean. There may be more to that story.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Well, I'm not a shrink, nor do I portray one on TV, but I have a couple thoughts. First, while times have certainly changed from the Dark Ages when you and I were preteens, there are still group activities. Depending on her interests, there are sports teams, dance, gymnastics, place of religion youth groups (I didn't say church because I don't know her family's beliefs, if any), or her parents maybe could help with play dates. There are even volunteer activities a 12 year old could do, such as helping at a food bank, or with a group that works with animals.
Next, while B sounds like a lovely, giving person, does she perhaps need some emotional support or therapy for herself? One wonders why she doesn't wish to associate with more other kids her age, not all of whom are mean. There may be more to that story.

You noticed?

Her mother is a tad psycho. I believe the term is “parentification.” I can’t tell you HOW MANY TIMES I have had to GENTLY dissuade her from, “Daddy is okay, but Mommy and I have a SPECIAL BOND.” or, “We all have two parents, but having a mommy is the most important.” B has told me that it’s good that Mommy and Whoever broke up because he wasn’t good at saying nice things, but she wishes Mommy would cry less. MrSue and I actually went to a shrink for a one-time visit about how to deal with this and not tell her that her mother was poison. When B (recently) had her first period, “Mommy” wanted to keep her during Daddy’s custody week because, as Mommy explained, “This is a very special time for me.” So, yes. I’m sure she’d benefit from counseling. But her mother would be in the middle of each session.

The mom’s mom is also nuts. They are both hoarders. B’s daddy told me that for the ten years he dated/was married to B’s mom, he was never allowed…nor would he have fit…upstairs in Grandma’s condo. Stuff. At Mommy’s house, B has to sleep with Mommy because her room/her bed are full of Mommy’s STUFF. One day, Mommy stopped here to pick her up. B had created some artwork and it was hanging in what we call her room. She was excited and said, “Mommy! Come look what I made!” Mommy looked at me, questioningly, as in “What should I do?” I said, “It’s on the wall; you have to go in there to see it.” She replied, astonished, “But! Unannounced? I mean does she need to tidy things up first?”

I told B’s dad about the strange response and he laughed, saying, “B’s mother would need a two week notice if she were going to let you in. She moved to her current home three years ago and he has never seen inside the house where his daughter lives.

Oh…this may or may not count, but she often stands out like a sore thumb. Most of the girls her age stand about shoulder height to her and she’s usually the ONLY blue eyes in class. (Her ethnic group is <15% of the population and she takes after her 6’3” father.) Mommy has “negotiated” with friends to keep B in the school district where they (father and mother, together and separately) USED TO live, instead of the school district where she belongs and which is FAR MORE ethnically diverse. I don’t think that’s a great call, because sooner or later she’ll get busted and sent to the correct school. (And then L won’t have any friends, poor thing.)

 

[Larra]

There are therapists who work with children who would be willing to see a child this age without mom in the room. After all, 12 isn't like 5. It sounds like this isn't something Mom would permit, unfortunately, but such therapists are out there. And while of course I can't diagnose any psych issues, especially for someone I've never seen ever, it sounds to me like Mom is a very dependent person and she's turning B into a codependent (like the spouse who helps and covers for an alcoholic, and thus helps perpetuate their addiction). But of course, I can't really know, I only know that the situation sounds worrisome.
Another possible activity for B might be some form of martial arts - judo, tai kwon do, karate, etc. If would get her together with other kids and also provide another adult mentor for her, and as she progresses through the levels it would give her a sense of achievement. If she's interested, that is, which again I have no way of knowing.
I'm glad she has you and Mr. Spiky in her life, and that you are concerned for her.

 

[hilary1617]

May I suggest activities involving animals, such as horseback riding or volunteering at an animal shelter to walk dogs or tend to kittens? Then adults can be around tending to the animals and providing some supervision without being obtrusive. Kids who clean tack, shovel or volunteer together tend to bond over the experience. Plus, adults who care for animals are among the kindest humans I've encountered - so perhaps they'll encounter positive role models. Hoping for the best for L. Sounds like she has been dealt a tough hand in life.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

May I suggest activities involving animals, such as horseback riding or volunteering at an animal shelter to walk dogs or tend to kittens? Then adults can be around tending to the animals and providing some supervision without being obtrusive. Kids who clean tack, shovel or volunteer together tend to bond over the experience. Plus, adults who care for animals are among the kindest humans I've encountered - so perhaps they'll encounter positive role models. Hoping for the best for L. Sounds like she has been dealt a tough hand in life.

Darn! Our biggest local shelter requires volunteers be 16 or older. I will keep looking!

 

[Larra]

Maybe there is a small, mom and pop type rescue that would let her play with cats or dogs with appropriate supervision? She may still be a bit too young for people to agree to this for liability concerns. Again suggesting group classes in martial arts, or any other activity that would be interesting and fun for her and also introduce her to a new group of other kids her age.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

There are therapists who work with children who would be willing to see a child this age without mom in the room. After all, 12 isn't like 5. It sounds like this isn't something Mom would permit, unfortunately, but such therapists are out there. And while of course I can't diagnose any psych issues, especially for someone I've never seen ever, it sounds to me like Mom is a very dependent person and she's turning B into a codependent (like the spouse who helps and covers for an alcoholic, and thus helps perpetuate their addiction). But of course, I can't really know, I only know that the situation sounds worrisome.
Another possible activity for B might be some form of martial arts - judo, tai kwon do, karate, etc. If would get her together with other kids and also provide another adult mentor for her, and as she progresses through the levels it would give her a sense of achievement. If she's interested, that is, which again I have no way of knowing.
I'm glad she has you and Mr. Spiky in her life, and that you are concerned for her.

Ooooo. I like the martial arts idea. Our physical therapist’s daughters, one is the same age as B, LOVE their martial arts

 

[JackieOnLine]

In the Dark Ages, a movie, bowling alley or an afternoon at the ice- or roller-skating rink or joining Scouting or a swim team with a few other kids might be options. But what activities are done THIS century? Or are group activities not a thing anymore?

our small-town library has a bunch of group activities for teens, as well as those for younger and adults. don't overlook the obvious.

The mom’s mom is also nuts. They are both hoarders. B’s daddy told me that for the ten years he dated/was married to B’s mom, he was never allowed…nor would he have fit…upstairs in Grandma’s condo. Stuff. At Mommy’s house, B has to sleep with Mommy because her room/her bed are full of Mommy’s STUFF.

OK, that is really sad.

I'm glad she has you and Mr. Spiky in her life, and that you are concerned for her.

that's the bottom line. I hope both girls can get what they need.

 

[Jashley]

Maybe there is a small, mom and pop type rescue that would let her play with cats or dogs with appropriate supervision? She may still be a bit too young for people to agree to this for liability concerns. Again suggesting group classes in martial arts, or any other activity that would be interesting and fun for her and also introduce her to a new group of other kids her age.

Martial arts of some sort is always good for a teen girl. The Sensei is disciplined, but becomes a coach and advocate for the kids in their care. I took Karate in College, and the Sensei was a wonderful guiding influence on me. I hated Karate but stuck with it because of his guidance with life issues. It will also teach standing up for yourself and learning to lay down boundaries.

Edit: Many kids her age are into environmental issues, and there are a lot of various environmental groups from ocean groups, to birds, to soil and pollution, to planting trees, and concentrated animal feeding operations (CAFOs). I bet there is a group that hits on her idea of the biggest sins that need to be addressed and she will meet kids who share those feelings/commitments with her. They do art, march, and do activism (arts and crafts, exercise, and assertively finding their voice to be heard). And those folks will be focused on improving external issues for the good of mankind and becoming aware of what you eat, buy, toss into the garbage, etc. A welcome break from the tragedy of L's struggles to stay above the water line.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Great ideas!

 

[southernlady]

A friend of mine who wasn’t allowed dogs due to allergies in the household, started walking neighbors dogs to get her dog fix. Now that she’s old enough to get a real job, she’s gone to work.