it's difficulty to know what would have happened, but at the moment I feel like I made two mistakes in a row. First was going back to the nursing home last July - which turned out to be
incredibly stressful - and now the Home Health job which I started before Christmas, but at which I have only have been on my own (after training) for 3 weeks now.
I knew that my caseload would vary some, but it has been ridiculous and I am getting paid by the visit and have almost no control of how many visits I get. I won't make enough money to live on this week and next for sure and it's very hard to tell how often that will happen. but it takes me so long to do everything (and fix mistakes) that I don't end up with any more free time like a job where you get paid by the hour.
some other things are wrong with the job but I won't share since they are dull. it IS better than the nursing home, but anything would be. this week I agreed to go back to the nursing home to work some on Friday (if I don't have any home health visits) or Saturday if I do. I don't expect it will be too stressful as I am not full time and don't have to care about a lot of the crap like "productivity".
pretty sure I need to find another job ASAP*, while I have a little cushion in the bank. I was broke last summer so I am better off now, but with the horrible weather (so much more snow here than usual and they don't plow the side street, such as where I live, and I don't have snow tires let alone 4WW like my co-workers all do) and rising anxiety, it's hard to keep that in mind.
since this is the first winter in decades I have not been taking an SSRI, I was expecting some challenges but assumed it would be depression; instead it has been anxiety.
I have been reading/posting on a wonderful forum for people getting off these drugs and have learned a lot of coping skills. (which should have happened decades ago!) I have hopes this current wave of anxiety will recede, as did the bad insomnia I had last November. the key is really not to fight it, but accept and let time pass while trying to take care of yourself with healthy habits.
if anyone wants to send sympathy/encouragement, I'd appreciate it.
* I realize this
could be the anxiety talking and I need, instead, to try harder to make this job work.
(I was so excited to sign up for benefits (like a real person) but they won't start until March.
)
but my best guess is, no, this job won't work and I need another another one and NOT in healthcare because I am so burnt out. so, starting over at something else (what??) and at low pay.
as long as it has benefits, I really need to know I have health insurance for a change!
I'm sorry this post is so long and needy, but I am not in a great place right now. it really was worse last summer but then I could get out in the sun and walk my dog, the poor thing has only had tiny little walks in the cold and on the ice and none today with it pouring rain.
I know this will pass!
