Not sure where to post this, but I'm in a dark place. I feel tired all the time. Out of breath. I make excuses to avoid activities I used to love because I can't handle the heat, like today I'm avoiding a Fourth of July get together. I've missed out on so much family time over the years because I'm too tired, I know I won't be able to keep up, or just because I'm humiliated to be this big. I know how people see fat people. I make excuses to my family and I eat more to comfort myself. I truly hate myself in those moments. Now, because of a self-pay lap band 12 years ago I've fucked myself over and can't get approved for what I really need even though I meet all the requirements. Tired of holding the phone up high and smiling big to look like I'm not a miserable person on Facebook. Lately the depression is starting to feel debilitating. I don't leave the house unless I have to. I just wanted to be able to enjoy the free Disney cruise we have (covered by in-laws) in December without having to fly with a seatbelt extender and avoid the water activities I love...or take an anxiety pill to have the courage to go out in the most modest suit I can find. My family thinks I'm just an introverted unmotivated person. It's not true at all! I want get out and do things. What I see in the mirror is not me.