When the shit goes down you'd better be ready.

[kirmy]

I think we are all prone to self deception, me more so than most. A prime example of this blatant denial is sour dough bread. I actually heard myself say..."nawww this is ok, it is the fermentation process"! Oh you stupid stupid cow. What fermentation has to do with the Japanese Bullet Train of shit that rains down like napalm from above I will never know. It is stuff you say to convince yourself you aren't a lying twat. I'm a lying twat. Gluten is essentially violent arse flossing.

So today I thought I'd take the dogs and my flatmate to Tentsmuir beach in Fife ( Scotland for those of you not acquainted with my sweary self). For breakfast I had curry left overs on Sour Dough toast with cheese. Yes I am aware that I have just described a high colonic depth charger. To make matters worse it was lamb curry made with Mumma Gounders special spices aka blow your box off.

After my moronic repast we set off. I knew things were going south when I was lined up at the till waiting to pay for my organge juice and a fart came juggernauting through my colon only narrowly remaining contained by my superior pelvic floor control. We continued in to the beach however twat here forgot to break a £20 ( after BREXIT that's about $4.50) and couldn't get through the £2.00 boom gate to take the car down to the car park next to the beach. We had to park up and hike in with the three dogs in tow.

The majestic forrest arched over my baldy head as my colon bubbled and rolled like a leviathan waiting to snatch a flag ship to the bottom of the sea. I can wait as I hiked at high speed with my buttocks clamped shut like a Tarzan eating clam, walking from the knees down only. It was around a two mile hike in and once we were in to the forrest we had a hard time finding the beach. The bubbling subsided and we reached the quiet sandy expanse....for about five seconds before I started the determined death march into the trees again.

Now I have three dogs. One sane older Jack Russel, one bat shit insane broken car alarm/ neurotic lunatic Jack Russel and one occasionally psychotic female bulldog. These nutters followed me despite my yells to "piss the fuck off" and I crashed through the undergrowth tearing down my leggings as I went. I swear I unleashed something not out of place in the necronomicon. Meanwhile the bastard dogs triangulated my movement and bore down like exorcet missiles. I was showering shit and waving my arms behind me to repel the vile running dogs. I had four Kleenex tissues to mop up what was essentially Fukoshemia.

Myrtle my bulldog managed to bypass my hysterical thrashing to sample my vile stool sample. She looked thoughtful like she was picking out the notes of berry and woody under flavours. I was dry retching and flicking her lead at her while trying to stop my coat and purse from falling into my steaming turd pile. I may have been whimpering.

I made the saddest walk of stinky shame to the car, my arse Teflon coated and still permeating the heady aroma of long dead animals. Myrtle looked very self satisfied. I cannot make eye contact with her.

Don't lie to yourself. Your arse is the ultimate Jerry Springer lie detector test and the only person getting a shit kicking is you.

Now I'm going to roll into a tight ball and weep quietly. Don't eat gluten. Don't fucking eat gluten, do NOT eat gluten.
That is all.

 

[southernlady]

OMG, Kirmy....I am sorry you tempted the fates. Repeat after me, GLUTEN is evil!

 

[kirmy]

I will not eat gluten

 

[DSRIGGS]

I am sorry you had that event, but holy hell tour writing style and story telling has me in stitches. Stay way from the assbombs and feel better.

 

[kirmy]

Do not eat gluten

 

[DSRIGGS]

Do not eat gluten

I am lucky because it really doesn't bother me now, but I don't eat too much bread. If I do it is toasted, grilled or only the hard outer shell. I don't eat the doughy stuff in the middle.

 

[DianaCox]

I'm still not certain it is the gluten itself, and not the rehydrated flour in the bread which has been chilled after rehydration and thereby converted to indigestible retrograde starch. But they are often in the same foods, so ... buyer/shitter beware.

 

[Marquis Mark]

You're a gifted humorist!

Despite nightly stool softeners, plenty of fiber (inc. prunes), extra magnesium and 30 grams fiber/day, I still have the opposite problem: constipation. I do eat carbs, inc gluten. Has anyone had the experience that carbs/gluten cause constipation in us?

 

[kirmy]

Well it does in irritable bowel syndrome so it stands to reason that we would have it too.

 

[Jbandmmomma]

At least it wasn't snowing.

 

[Clematis]

Well I think you should eat gluten occasionally just for the stories. (Yeah, I'm sick like that.)

She looked thoughtful like she was picking out the notes of berry and woody under flavours.

Priceless.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I think it was something you ate earlier...and you just get off on creating x-rated scenes.

(I have a problem with over-processed flours...including wheat...but not gluten itself because I can eat soy sauce. So I now have to know that I'm eating REAL sourdough bread.)

 

[Larra]

I suspect the curry was a major contributing factor. At least you were in the forest. Just remember not to wipe with poison ivy or oak.

 

[Munchkin]

I so look forward to everything you post. So I will return the favor because you deserve to be entertained as well. You would write this better than I will!

This didn't happen to me but it did happen to a co-worker. Why she told this story I don't know because after it was all out I never looked at her quite the same. I used to live in Minnesota, sort of like living on the Arctic Circle. Winter more than half the year. They measured sunlight in hours per month. Temps as low as -60 FAHRENHEIT. When it gets that cold, you can actually feel your eyeballs freezing. You could walk outside with a cup of boiling water, toss it up in the air and it explodes and rains down as ice flakes. Snow that fell in September didn't melt till May. Some years, the snowbanks on the sides of the driveway were taller than me.

Because this place was so grim, people were always looking for something to do in the cold. Lots of icefishing and snowmobiling. And usually there was alcohol involved, sort of like antifreeze. People wear these huge polar suits that pretty much cover all your skin with layers of long underwear below. Frostbite is real!

My co-worker was into snowmobiling. Almost every weekend she was out in the cold on one of those fast, obnoxious, loud machines. Picture it, -40, tooling around on the snow at 50MPH, in the middle of nowhere. Minnesota has a lot of nowhere. Nothing for miles. And most of them are drunk, or at least well lubricated to stave off frostbite. One day she was out and realized she had a problem. An urgency that could not be denied. She had to poop and she was sure it was going to be diarrhea and lots of it. No toilet for miles.

She heads for the trees and finds a likely spot. She is all out of time. It's -40 and she is shedding gloves and layers as fast as possible. It's a race and she can't let the poop win. -40 doesn't feel good on naked skin. You start shivering uncontrollably almost immediately. It's so cold you have to do it fast! AHHH, relief! And she was grateful for the tissues in her pocket. She was able to clean up at least a little. She is freezing and starts putting everything back on. Last is the polar suit. She pulls it on, zips it up and flips up the hood.

Disaster. She turned into a poopsicle as the diarrhea froze on her hair and skin. She was in such a hurry that she had pooped into her own hood. No way to recover from that one.

 

[Marquis Mark]

These are awesome stories! You guys should collaborate on a Netflix series, each one a different poo emergency. I can see people bingewatching it. I would!