need some emotional support :(

[cheryl baker]

Sooo I really feel bad this AM. I would say for no reason but that is not true there is of course a reason. I am doing HORRID with my food.. My tummy really hates me.. tooo many friggon carbs.. Last night i had a small chicken salad grinder... all that bread.. A few days before I had dominos stuffed cheesy bread.. I am not doing any better with food. It has been 14 months since surgery and my eating has turned into crap and I cannot seem to turn it around... Alas and I know the reason that is also. I KEEP FRIGGON LOSING WEIGHT.... Got up this AM and down another friggon lb.. Down to 145.. ONE HUNDRED FOURTY FIVE LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF... How is that possible.. How do I keep loosing weight even though I eat like shit... I am a size 8. I do not feel like I deserve to be a size 8 do not deserve to be 145lbs. too top it off I hate hate hate my body. I thought.. hay I can go into a store and buy a size 8 maybe I will buy a dress.. I picked out this beautful dress sleeveless nice cleaveage ohhh it was sooooo beautiful.. I put it on and GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I felt soooo ugly and so stupid and so friggon fat.. I had to stop seeing my therapist cause she kept saying I need to stop loosing weight. I am anorexic and that I am as skinny as her (which is not true.. she is a size 2.. 8 is NOT a size 2..)... She made me feel bad about where I was with my weight loss. Yes I am having vitamin problems and that is part of the reason my eating has gone so bad cause I am trying to eat more variety of foods to try and find something that will help my body abosrb more nutrients. My bones are withering away from calcium deficiency and my pth is sky high. I am feeling soooo frustrated right now.. I have done AWSOME from 299 on jan 1 2014 down to 279 on day of surgery in july of 2014 and now to 145 in september 2015. lost 154lbs.. over 50% of my starting weight..
I just want to eat right and not worry about my weight and be happy for once in my firggon life... I am feeling like that is not ever going to happen.
I read this article it was talking about people feeling like I do and that how the problem is the weight was not the issue.. there is something else making one feel bad. I know my problem. I hate myself. I have ZERO self estemn. self estemn cannot be purchased or taught. I was made at a very young age to feel bad about myself and at 55 years of age despite trying realllly hard I just cannnot seem to figure out how to love myself. How to feel good about myself. I am soooooo compasionate to others but soooo hard on myself.
I realllly hate feeling this way but have tried everything and cannot seem to get it.. I need a self estemn transplant.. hahahahahaha..
ok so rant done.. any and all kind words of support are really needed right now...
thanks

 

[star0210]

I'm sorry Cheryl..
Maybe you can find a new therapist.
We ALL have worth. I hate hearing you be so hard on yourself.
Do you take any kind of anti depressant?

 

[southernlady]

I am sorry, Cheryl.

It's hard to learn to love yourself. A new therapist might be your answer.

I suspect the carb issue is your emotions trying to sabotage your weight loss to "prove" you are not worthy BUT YOU ARE!

Okay, so you hate yourself...but do you know WHY you hate yourself. No need to answer me but you do need to answer yourself. Why can't you feel compassion for you? Again, no need to tell me but you do need to tell yourself.

 

[Whit]

I'm sorry for your pain. I also think it's time to see a new therapist.
Take care we are here for you
Whit

 

[robs477]

You know what Cheryl? I’m NO expert, but, it takes a REALLY BRAVE, courageous and special person to really do a self-evaluation as you just did and then be that honest and open with your deepest inner thoughts. That in and of itself should be enough for you to say…”Wow…I really am a great person and I really do love me” and just use that as your new platform to build upon. I mean, C’mon, how many people are that open and honest?? And, as the other Ladies said, get some professional guidance along the way, that’s what they’re there for. My best wishes to you!

 

[Larra]

I agree with the others - if the present therapist isn't working out for you for whatever reason, find a new therapist. The problem isn't your DS and it isn't carbs, it's your psyche. When you feel better about yourself you will take better care of yourself.

 

[Txkat]

A therapist is a medical professional and part of her job is to look after you, and challenge beliefs that are having negative consequences. None of us would be here if we didn't have some emotional blind spots about food and weight. However, I just found out that overly low cholesterol levels are associated with extreme depression and anxiety. At my 6 month check up, my cholesterol was 107. My therapist added a small dose of Prozac to my medications, and it's been quite helpful.

 

[Jen-2]

My heart goes out to you! I agree with the others. It was very brave of you to recognize you need help and reach out. Don't continue to suffer in silence and sabotage yourself. Find a therapist that you feel comfortable with. You may want to explore whether you have depression as well that can be helped with medication. It's a journey to get to the other side of this but once you are taking the steps necessary to help yourself you are that much closer to feeling better and treating yourself better too. Good luck.

 

[duh_Mom]

Hey Cheryl, I am sending you a big hug!

Now I want to talk turkey. First my history - multiple episodes of childhood sexual abuse, emotional abandonment and all that shit lead me to an eating disorder. I am 58 and topped out at about 300. I have seen a bunch therapists. Seeing one now in fact. One thing I have learned from all this shittin' therapy is that when a therapist pisses me off I better pay attention. Also remember anorexia is not defined by weight, but behavior with food. Sounds like to me if you keep being 'not anorexic' it won't be long before you do look like it. And if you are leaching CA from your bones as evidenced by your high PTH then it won't be long before they are brittle and breaking.

Honey, you are killing yourself. Not taking vitamins and not eating correctly. Please please PLEASE find a therapist that specializes in eating disorders and go. Start taking your vits right now. Are you tracking your food intake? I know you may not be ready to do that. But it does sound like you are ready for help because you are reaching out here.
People here really care, I really care, but if I pissed you off just block me and don't leave.
I'll be thinking of you.

 

[Clematis]

You care about others and they care about you. That's a life worth loving. Hang in there, Cheryl.

 

[Brandy]

Hey Cheryl, much warmth to you.

I travel a very similar road. It is like I formed without a foundation on which to stand. I don't have a lot of answers for you. Therapy wasn't that useful for me, although it did help. Ultimately they all advise I walk regularly and make a lot of friends. Wellbutrin was pretty effective as an anti-depressant without too many horrid side effects, but ultimately I feel better without it.

When you said "I just want to eat right and not worry about my weight and be happy for once in my firggon life...", you really spoke to me. I'm at 13 months DS and I'm struggling with eating too much right now too. Last night I ate noodles until I threw up. I don't know how to fix this, I'm hoping it is a stage, but I do have some experience of building myself back up after being stripped down to nothing but self-hate and loathing.

One thing I've read recently that is making a big difference is to try not to focus on being happy. I don't think happiness survives the mental processes one goes through when trying to figure out if one is happy. http://www.livescience.com/14229-happiness-factors.html says it much better.

Ultimately, science is starting to say, that a life focused on gratitude and giving to others is supposedly the happiest. Maybe if you did some volunteer work or something it would get you enough out of your head that you could get some breathing room.

I disagree that this stuff can't be taught. The thing that I think may have helped me more than anything else is to collect quotes that spoke to my cracked soul. Somehow these pithy little sayings have helped me to pull enough bits together on which to build what I needed. I would suggest sitting down with a search engine and the phrase "self-confidence" and start keeping a document of those quotes that speak to you.


Here are some of my favorites:

“Much of your pain is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.” Kahlil Gibran (You are experiencing this one first hand right now!)

​

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” Kenji Miyazawa


“Don’t back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem.” And “What I know for sure is that you feel real joy in direct proportion to how connected you are to living your truth.” Oprah Winfrey


“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.” ― Shannon L. Alder


"It does not take much strength to do things, but it requires great strength to decide on what to do." Elbert Hubbard


"When you are required to exhibit strength, it comes." Joseph Campbell


"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how." Friedrich Nietzsche


“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ― Marcus Aurelius


When I first started to build myself back up, the one other thing that really helped me the most was to take the VIA Survey of Character Strengths (one location is https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/user/login?destination=node/434 ). This test gives you your top character strengths and weaknesses. I didn't need to know anything more about my weaknesses, because I've spent so much time dwelling on them, but seeing my strengths pointed out and then focusing on them, focusing even on getting even better at them led to some huge breakthrough for me and few others I've steered this way. I think some of the self-hate (at least for me) came from seeing myself though such a destructive and distorted mirror. Being able to lean on something as black and white as an academic test result really helped me cut out many negative cycles.

Good luck. Feel free to contact me if you need anything.

 

[Settledownnow]

After many years of emotional eating, I found relief by following the intuitive eating principles (posted below). I have a copy posted on my fridge and look at it each day. You need to stop obsessing on food and weight, and find happiness with other non-food related activities. If these principles make sense to you, you can find a therapist trained in "Intuitive Eating" who may be helpful. Post if you need help figuring out your vitamins and I'm sure many people will help you.


10 Principles of Intuitive Eating
1. Reject the Diet Mentality Throw out the diet books and magazine articles that offer you false hope of losing weight quickly, easily, and permanently. Get angry at the lies that have led you to feel as if you were a failure every time a new diet stopped working and you gained back all of the weight. If you allow even one small hope to linger that a new and better diet might be lurking around the corner, it will prevent you from being free to rediscover Intuitive Eating.

2. Honor Your Hunger Keep your body biologically fed with adequate energy and carbohydrates. Otherwise you can trigger a primal drive to overeat. Once you reach the moment of excessive hunger, all intentions of moderate, conscious eating are fleeting and irrelevant. Learning to honor this first biological signal sets the stage for re-building trust with yourself and food.

3. Make Peace with Food Call a truce, stop the food fight! Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. If you tell yourself that you can't or shouldn't have a particular food, it can lead to intense feelings of deprivation that build into uncontrollable cravings and, often, bingeing When you finally “give-in” to your forbidden food, eating will be experienced with such intensity, it usually results in Last Supper overeating, and overwhelming guilt.

4. Challenge the Food Police .Scream a loud "NO" to thoughts in your head that declare you're "good" for eating minimal calories or "bad" because you ate a piece of chocolate cake. The Food Police monitor the unreasonable rules that dieting has created . The police station is housed deep in your psyche, and its loud speaker shouts negative barbs, hopeless phrases, and guilt-provoking indictments. Chasing the Food Police away is a critical step in returning to Intuitive Eating.

5. Respect Your Fullness Listen for the body signals that tell you that you are no longer hungry. Observe the signs that show that you're comfortably full. Pause in the middle of a meal or food and ask yourself how the food tastes, and what is your current fullness level?

6. Discover the Satisfaction Factor The Japanese have the wisdom to promote pleasure as one of their goals of healthy living In our fury to be thin and healthy, we often overlook one of the most basic gifts of existence--the pleasure and satisfaction that can be found in the eating experience. When you eat what you really want, in an environment that is inviting and conducive, the pleasure you derive will be a powerful force in helping you feel satisfied and content. By providing this experience for yourself, you will find that it takes much less food to decide you've had "enough".

7. Honor Your Feelings Without Using Food Find ways to comfort , nurture, distract, and resolve your issues without using food. Anxiety, loneliness, boredom, anger are emotions we all experience throughout life. Each has its own trigger, and each has its own appeasement. Food won't fix any of these feelings. It may comfort for the short term, distract from the pain, or even numb you into a food hangover. But food won't solve the problem. If anything, eating for an emotional hunger will only make you feel worse in the long run. You'll ultimately have to deal with the source of the emotion, as well as the discomfort of overeating.

8. Respect Your Body Accept your genetic blueprint. Just as a person with a shoe size of eight would not expect to realistically squeeze into a size six, it is equally as futile (and uncomfortable) to have the same expectation with body size. But mostly, respect your body, so you can feel better about who you are. It's hard to reject the diet mentality if you are unrealistic and overly critical about your body shape.

9. Exercise--Feel the Difference Forget militant exercise. Just get active and feel the difference. Shift your focus to how it feels to move your body, rather than the calorie burning effect of exercise. If you focus on how you feel from working out, such as energized, it can make the difference between rolling out of bed for a brisk morning walk or hitting the snooze alarm. If when you wake up, your only goal is to lose weight, it's usually not a motivating factor in that moment of time.

10 Honor Your Health--Gentle Nutrition Make food choices that honor your health and tastebuds while making you feel well. Remember that you don't have to eat a perfect diet to be healthy. You will not suddenly get a nutrient deficiency or gain weight from one snack, one meal, or one day of eating. It's what you eat consistently over time that matters, progress not perfection is what counts.

 

[marissamast]

I believe the worst thing we do to damage ourselves is to compare ourselves to other people. I hope and pray that you can learn that the only person you should ever compare yourself to, is the person you were yesterday....**hugs**

 

[BebeZed]

Hi Cheryl, I have nothing in the way of wise words to offer, just my compassion and support. Hang in there!

 

[cheryl baker]

thanks for the comments guys.. I have in no way given up (and I dunno why someone thought I wasnt taking my vits.. I am).. I did start working again the first time since getting my arthritis.. I am hoping that will help. Someone mentioned low cholesterol levels causing extreme depression and anxiety.. I wonder how low is low.. This was never mentioned. I do not "think" I am depressed.. I would say I am just "realistic" or being "me" but maybe being me IS being depressed.. maybe i Have been depressed my whole life. I was on antidepressant over the winter but it really did nothing for me. Well I guess thats not reallly true it helped a little.. enough to get me up and about a little.. I feel like I need something strong but will not take anything that even MIGHT cause weight gain. The thing about anorexic is exactly what my therapist said.. I guess if buy being anorexic she means I have a bad relationship with food.. well durr.. thats a given. I hate food. if I never had to eat again I would be just fine with that. Give me a pill that gives me everything i need and I never have to eat I would love it. It seems the minute I put any food in my mouth I start wanting to eat eveyrthing and anything. Been this way my whole life. I can out "not eat" anyone anytime. But once I take a bite that is the end of me. I have tried all those things in the lists you have posted.. alll awsome things.. But I just dont seem to be able to stick to them.
someone should lock me up in a mental institution and throw away the key ..
Anyone catch Dr K's webinar about food digestion with the ds. It goes of course smack against what all the vets preach. It reallly irritates me that despite speaking with several drs and reading everything I can on the internet I still have NO GUIDELINE on how much to eat. I have had stomach issues since January of this year and cannot take it anymore. So starting today I am going to strickly shakes for as long as I can take it. Than I am going to start adding food back in 1 food a week and I will know exactly what is making me sick. (thats assuming that the shakes do not make me sick).. I am also going to follow Dr K's rule.. number 1 thing is WATER.. number 2 is PROTEIN and than thirdly EVERYTHING else.. than I am going to follow ELMO (no not cute little elmo from sesame street although I do love elmo hahaha).. eat less more often. I had gotton away from that in my attempt to eat more to get more nutrition in to try to fix my labs..

I need to get my stomach clam and my labs in order and go from there.

ANY and ALL suggestions on how to do this would be GREATLY appreciated

 

[Brandy]

Good for you!!!

I think the most important thing to do postop is to tackle the problems that come up with creative, individualized solutions. I like how you are taking a the biggest gun in your arsenal and firing it off right now.

I remember thinking I would live on eggs and lemonade my first few months, and both of those turned out to be on the "NEVER eat again!" List. Actually, at 14 months I'm starting to be able to drink Arnold Palmers (1/2 tea, 1/2 lemonade) and loving it! Still can't STAND eggs.