cheryl baker
Active Member
- Joined
- Jul 5, 2014
- Messages
- 40
Sooo I really feel bad this AM. I would say for no reason but that is not true there is of course a reason. I am doing HORRID with my food.. My tummy really hates me.. tooo many friggon carbs.. Last night i had a small chicken salad grinder... all that bread.. A few days before I had dominos stuffed cheesy bread.. I am not doing any better with food. It has been 14 months since surgery and my eating has turned into crap and I cannot seem to turn it around... Alas and I know the reason that is also. I KEEP FRIGGON LOSING WEIGHT.... Got up this AM and down another friggon lb.. Down to 145.. ONE HUNDRED FOURTY FIVE LBS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF... How is that possible.. How do I keep loosing weight even though I eat like shit... I am a size 8. I do not feel like I deserve to be a size 8 do not deserve to be 145lbs. too top it off I hate hate hate my body. I thought.. hay I can go into a store and buy a size 8 maybe I will buy a dress.. I picked out this beautful dress sleeveless nice cleaveage ohhh it was sooooo beautiful.. I put it on and GROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I felt soooo ugly and so stupid and so friggon fat.. I had to stop seeing my therapist cause she kept saying I need to stop loosing weight. I am anorexic and that I am as skinny as her (which is not true.. she is a size 2.. 8 is NOT a size 2..)... She made me feel bad about where I was with my weight loss. Yes I am having vitamin problems and that is part of the reason my eating has gone so bad cause I am trying to eat more variety of foods to try and find something that will help my body abosrb more nutrients. My bones are withering away from calcium deficiency and my pth is sky high. I am feeling soooo frustrated right now.. I have done AWSOME from 299 on jan 1 2014 down to 279 on day of surgery in july of 2014 and now to 145 in september 2015. lost 154lbs.. over 50% of my starting weight..
I just want to eat right and not worry about my weight and be happy for once in my firggon life... I am feeling like that is not ever going to happen.
I read this article it was talking about people feeling like I do and that how the problem is the weight was not the issue.. there is something else making one feel bad. I know my problem. I hate myself. I have ZERO self estemn. self estemn cannot be purchased or taught. I was made at a very young age to feel bad about myself and at 55 years of age despite trying realllly hard I just cannnot seem to figure out how to love myself. How to feel good about myself. I am soooooo compasionate to others but soooo hard on myself.
I realllly hate feeling this way but have tried everything and cannot seem to get it.. I need a self estemn transplant.. hahahahahaha..
ok so rant done.. any and all kind words of support are really needed right now...
thanks
I just want to eat right and not worry about my weight and be happy for once in my firggon life... I am feeling like that is not ever going to happen.
I read this article it was talking about people feeling like I do and that how the problem is the weight was not the issue.. there is something else making one feel bad. I know my problem. I hate myself. I have ZERO self estemn. self estemn cannot be purchased or taught. I was made at a very young age to feel bad about myself and at 55 years of age despite trying realllly hard I just cannnot seem to figure out how to love myself. How to feel good about myself. I am soooooo compasionate to others but soooo hard on myself.
I realllly hate feeling this way but have tried everything and cannot seem to get it.. I need a self estemn transplant.. hahahahahaha..
ok so rant done.. any and all kind words of support are really needed right now...
thanks