I has a sad...

[Spiky Bugger]

Getting old is hard.

My husband, the famous Mr. Sue, is 64, almost six years younger than I am, but he seems to be "aging" faster. We knew two years ago that he had had a "silent stroke," we don't know exactly when, but he was making me crazy. He is making me crazier now...so he may have had additional incidents.

Poor guy. Friday, I ended up SCREAMING at him to stop the car, as we were about to barrel through a red light. And, he did it twice. ⁉️⁉️⁉️ His ability to deal with stress has decreased tremendously. If he gets frustrated, he frequently YELLS and then is horrifed that he yelled. (He's a really nice guy. )

His executive function abilities are for shit, he has "two speeds," full speed ahead and dead stop. If something he does doesn't work the first time, he's angry and it is no longer needed. His cognitive skills are kind of on the line.

AND, just to make sure I keep the Lorazepam folks employed, his "different" behaviors are not constant...they are sporadic. Is he really fine and just being a guy, just being an asshole? So I get to snap back at him? Or is this incident a version of the impaired him? And I have to calmly talk him down from Mount Grumpy?

Also on Friday, he went to the grocery store. (We don't usually shop together, as he hunts and I gather.) He picked up three potatoes...that were going bad...and brought them home...but forgot that I had asked for a lotto ticket. (I almost NEVER ask for a lotto ticket.) He took the bad potatoes back to the store and got good potatoes. And again forgot the lotto tickets. I mean...there were only two items on "the list."

He says he is not depressed. So I guess I'm gonna be depressed for both of us.

Okay...I'm done.

 

[DianaCox]

I hear you. It comes and goes over here. The hard part is getting them to cooperate to make sure it isn't from something treatable or amelioratable.

But perhaps a senior driving course is in order - they can help him become a safer driver - or identify if he really shouldn't be driving.
http://local.aarp.org/los-angeles-ca/aarp-events/ (the senior "smart driver" classes start about 1/3 of the way down the page).

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I signed up for one of those classes about ten years ago. It was WAY worse than your first Intro to Driving class back in tbe day.

I made it to the first break and then split...lol. There were lots of teeny, tiny old ladies who couldn't turn their heads enough to parallel park...omg

Mr. Sue is physically able to drive. He just, I think, zones out, and visits other solar systems whilst moving a couple thousand pounds of steel at 25, 35 or 65 mph.

 

[DianaCox]

Um, driving is physical, mental and emotional. Two out of three isn't enough. If he's doing it while you're in the car, and can warn him, what's happening when he goes off to buy bad potatoes and/or lotto tix on his own?

 

[southernlady]

Before killing him, see if you can get him checked for NPH. NPH does affect cognitive skills, emotional state, etc.
NPH is normal pressure hydrocephalus, typically confused with other issues, and is very treatable. https://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/All-Disorders/Normal-Pressure-Hydrocephalus-Information-Page

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Um, driving is physical, mental and emotional. Two out of three isn't enough. If he's doing it while you're in the car, and can warn him, what's happening when he goes off to buy bad potatoes and/or lotto tix on his own?

Therein lies MY pain. He'd likely do just great at a class or even during behind-the-wheel type stuff. Until that moment he doesn't do well. (And meanwhile, I look crazy worrying about it all. This reminds me of the early days of my stepfather's Alzheimer's when he looked fine and my mom looked nuts.)

And there's the added mess of WhoShouldDrive!?! Warning labels on my most used drugs all mention blurred vision.

In the past, I'd take over. He's good at two-lane country and mountain roads, no crowds, no cross traffic. I'm good in the city and on freeways.

We were headed somewhere...Palm Springs, maybe?...and after about 20-30 minutes on the 10, watching him grind his teeth and swear at other drivers, I asked him to get off at tbe next shopping center. He did. I explained that I would enjoy the trip more if I were driving. We traded places and after about 10-15 minutes, he heaved a huge sigh of relief and started talking about how pretty the mountains were. City and freeway driving have always been close to combat for him.

I grew up here. City traffic is WAY heavier than it was when I was a kid. But it's "just traffic." So, if we have to take the 210 to the 134 to get to Glendale, he somehow involves the 2 and I have to tell him that the north end of the 2 deadends just blocks from Verdugo Hills Hospital...so since the car's built-in compass says we are heading south and the freeway sign says we're on the 2, I'm pretty sure we are heading AWAY from our destination. And then he yells and then I tell him to stop yelling and take the next fucking off ramp, and so on. How glad am I that my Glendale destination moved to Pasadena? Very.

Right now, I'm figuring how long it takes opioids to stop blurring my vision...so I can take pain meds and anti-diarrheals but time them to allow me to drive.

BUT, at least 1/3 of non-hospitalized adults age 70 or over who have had a brain scan show a history of silent strokes. So...in your new neighborhood...

See what I mean? Will we all be shuffling along on our walkers?

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Before killing him, see if you can get him checked for NPH. NPH does affect cognitive skills, emotional state, etc.
NPH is normal pressure hydrocephalus, typically confused with other issues, and is very treatable. https://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/All-Disorders/Normal-Pressure-Hydrocephalus-Information-Page

Good info! His last MRI showed normal size ventricles "for his age," but maybe a new MRI could rule out that problem, or show us something treatable.

 

[southernlady]

Good info! His last MRI showed normal size ventricles "for his age," but maybe a new MRI could rule out that problem, or show us something treatable.

I know all about NPH cause dh has it. He's had a ventricular shunt since 2006. Before that, I spent a few years complaining to every medical professional he saw that he wasn't the man I married (we married in 96 so we both were middle age by then). He was short tempered, forgetful, having trouble focusing, had to have a routine, etc. Finally an MRI read by someone who had no clue of his age, solved the problem. Everyone else saw that he was 47 and ASSUMED it could not be NPH as that was only for the elderly (over 60).

Btw, he did not have the classic signs of shuffling feet or inability to hold his bladder.

 

[DianaCox]

There's a 25 mph restriction in the community, but many people toot around in golf carts, going too fast IMHO for the stability of the carts. At least they're unlikely to hurt me in my SUV.

Out on the streets, the danger is both inattentive old people, and road-raging, gun-toting, entitled assholes.

 

[k9ophile]

Oh, the joys of watching a loved one's deteriorate before one's eyes. I have come close to breaking an ankle stomping on the non-existent brake on the passenger side of the car. Mine is OK on freeway driving, yet terrifying in the city. He waits too long to slow down for braking and leaves very little distance between cars. He rarely concedes the driving to me. He has a pick-up truck and I'd prefer not to drive it on most occasions even if he'd let me. (Mostly because I'm not used to that big of vehicle, but I AM willing to practice. (If only!)

We are planning a trip to Denver in two years for the only grandson's graduation. I'm dreading it for more reasons than just his driving, but that's another thread. He doesn't like driving in unfamiliar places and I can't imagine how much it's changed in the 20 years we've been gone. GPS helps, yet not entirely problem free.

It's good to see others having similar concerns. There's not too many people I can talk about this with. His doctor thinks he's the greatest guy. Most of the time, he is. Just not behind the wheel.

 

[hilary1617]

I'm sorry Sue. I hope it is something treatable and you find the cause. It's got to be hard. In the meantime, you must take the wheel for safety's sake.

 

[JackieOnLine]

it's awful, the getting old thing. I am sad for you both - especially you, because when a man is on Mount Grumpy it's just the last thing you want.

any updates?

you are doing the driving, right?

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Friday,we went to PCP with his symptoms, she ordered additional blood tests. (Biomarkers for....?) Thursday, we go to the neurologist.

I love him dearly, but he's goofy.

 

[DianaCox]

Not aging in the same ways/same rate is stressful.

Watching my father and his ladyfriend go through it too - it's not pretty. His memory is going, and he is very aware of it; she THINKS she's still mentally sharp, and she is in some ways, but her social filters are WAY down - she gets angry at him for forgetting things (probably in part because she's scared of being alone when she feels she needs to send him away to us), and his reaction to her getting angry at him over something he can't help is frustration and fear and anger in response. Oy.

 

[CaitlynR]

Has he had a full neuropsychology evaluation? A good neuropsychologist can figure out what's going on much better than medical doctors in many cases, or at least have a valuable piece of the puzzle.