Ettie-Quettie Query

[DianaCox]

Hillary - I would tend to agree with you - except she strikes me as a score-keeper. And three people didn't show up for the $100/plate dinner (based on the leftover name tag/table assignments) and one was my son. The fact that I know that it was $100/plate should indicate that I think they keep score in that family.

Oh well - I'll see how I feel this week, and if the moment passes, I'll probably forget about it until Passover.

Speaking of which - Passover begins in the evening of Monday, April 14, and ends in the evening of Tuesday, April 22. I have to teach that law school class in VA (that was snowed out last week) on the 22nd, so I should fly to VA around the 19th. And my father's b'day is the 14th. So I guess the next "family" function is April 14th -that gives me time to seethe for a while longer, and decide if there is anything I should do first.

 

[SKMSU]

If you really think it is a misunderstanding about the donation, make another one to one of the charities that they had selected, tell them you made one to DWB and after you thought about it decided that it should have been to one of the charities that they had chosen. Make some small talk about the neighborhood, yada, yada, yada. If they don't respond, just write them off as ass holes. I didn't read the other responses before I wrote this, so sorry if it's a duplicate. I do think the donation should have been to one of the charities that they had chosen. If you had given them money, you would not have told them how to spend it, so I think it's kind of the same thing. If I asked someone to donate to a Cancer Center instead of a gift, and they donated to something that was not cancer related, I would find it insulting. Like they thought they knew more about what charity I should donate to than I do. Of course I could be way off here, but just my thoughts.

 

[hilary1617]

Since they mentioned the cost of the plates (wow, how unbelievably crass!) and your son's absence, but not the donation, If they are "scorekeepers", I think the absent son is more likely the causal factor than the donation. Well, his absence, coupled with their lack of courtesy /empathy and misdirected annoyance.

In any case, I almost always find it best to act as if past slights didn't even occur both to avoid letting anyone know they got my goat and to prevent getting egg on my face in case I've somehow misunderstood. Plus bringing up the past rarely helps build bridges...

Keep in mind you are a very lovely, kind, intelligent woman. If they choose not to avail themselves of your company, it is their loss.

 

[DianaCox]

Sorry to have dropped out of the conversation - there is something going on behind the scenes and then, of all things, my father and S dropped by for a few hours today - it was all I could do to not mention it. S even asked my father to call her son D to invite them over (we were having pre-Super Bowl hors d'oeuvres and had plenty), but D&K (not surprisingly) had other plans (he is in the sports business). I'm going to continue to think on it. Thanks to everyone for the input - gave more more to think about.

 

[DianaCox]

OK, here is an update. Last weekend, Dad and S came over with S's daughter, her husband and their daughter, who were visiting for the week from NY. They were stopping by on their way to D & K's house, and to drop of tix (for a lecture in a series they have a yearly subscription to) they were going to have to miss, so they were giving them to us.

I was prepared. I gave them a nice card to bring to D & K (as well as a fresh loaf of challah I had just made), in which I included a CD on which I burned the pix I took at their wedding, and this letter (slightly revised from the above draft):

Dear D & K,

Better late than never?

The other day, we received yet another solicitation from Doctors Without Borders (the organization to which we sent a donation in honor of your wedding), which reminded me that I have been terribly remiss in never having burned the CD of the pix I took at your wedding to give to you. I managed to put together the reminder, the motivation, a burnable CD and a functional computer all at the same time – which is my lame excuse for not doing this sooner.

I hope your REAL photographer was better than I was - these are pretty bad, but I treasured the informal pix of my wedding taken by friends and family as much as the formal ones.

Hope all is well with you - stop by sometime! Or invite us over – we’d love to see you and your new home.

Diana and Charles

Today, we got a hand-written thank you card in the mail:

Dear Diana and Charles -

Thanks for the pictures! So fun getting pictures of the wedding - lovely surprise!

And thank you so much for your donation to Drs. w/o Borders - great organization.

Yes, let's get together soon. We would love to have you over to our place. Maybe in March? Let's make that happen!

Much love, K & D

Charles was previously not inclined to believe that the lack of donation (that they knew about) was at the root of the before this - but now he thinks from a vibe from the thank you note (maybe because it WAS a written thank you note, as opposed to a less formal telephonic "thanks, and want to come over for a drink on Friday?") that it may indeed have been the root of their standoffishness.

I suspect there was an Excel spreadsheet of wedding invitees, with columns for their RSVP, which main course they selected, what they gave as a gift, and whether the thank you note was sent. And the last two columns on the row with our names have been glaringly blank for 2-1/2 years.

We'll see how things go in March. At least I feel better that the loop has been closed, and that they don't think we are cheapskates and wedding-gift-donation-stiffers. And that I gave them the pix (hey, the blurry red-toned ones where the flash didn't go off could be considered artsy-fartsy??).

 

[hilary1617]

Glad that's settled and hope they realize how lucky they are to be in your neighborhood! Wonderful!

 

[MyNewLife]

Lawd, I despise people who keep score. If it were a 5 year olds birthday party maybe but everyone is an adult there or should be!

 

[JackieOnLine]

doesn't seem like it needs to be so complicated, but family - what can you do? I'm glad things are looking more friendly.

 

[Munchkin]

Scorekeepers are not the best of friends. I wonder what they would do if the scales were tipped the other way? I wouldn't be investing this much time and effort on these people. They don't sound very genuine to me.

 

[DianaCox]

At base, the real score-keeping is money - S's late husband was a somewhat famous writer (in his area of expertise), and left her with money - not HEEUUGE money, but a few million. She is more than comfortable, but (understandably) wants to leave whatever is left to their kids. But, Dad has been with her and taking care of her for almost 10 years, and I think he deserves more than 6 months of free rent and the used car she bought him to drive her around in if she dies first. She won't marry him, and won't even let him get his mail at her condo, lest there be a claim of palimony. So if she dies first, Dad comes home to live with me, and will be my financial responsibility as well.

S's kids were raised as the kind of Jews who annoy the crap out of me - very very assimilated and very very conscious of appearing refined and intellectual - and very judgmental about others. I call them Episcopalian Jews - they look down on more ethnic/religious/atheist/lower class Jews, and really secretly believe that Jews like them ARE superior in all ways. And my father's family misses the mark of being fancy enough. Even though I went to the "right" schools, for example, I didn't marry well either time (I'm sure that's what they think - especially since neither husband was Jewish), and my kids are not accomplished enough. The tone is of condescension and superiority. And K (the new wife) is of the same ilk, minus the fondness than S's kids actually have for my father - from a well-off family, who look down on what they consider non-socially acceptable people, but especially other Jews.

I actually think if his wife wasn't in the picture, D (the would-be step-brother) would be closer with us - making it even more awkward, in a way. Oh well, off to obsess about something else - it is my way.

 

[Charris]

OK, here is an update. Last weekend, Dad and S came over with S's daughter, her husband and their daughter, who were visiting for the week from NY. They were stopping by on their way to D & K's house, and to drop of tix (for a lecture in a series they have a yearly subscription to) they were going to have to miss, so they were giving them to us.

I was prepared. I gave them a nice card to bring to D & K (as well as a fresh loaf of challah I had just made), in which I included a CD on which I burned the pix I took at their wedding, and this letter (slightly revised from the above draft):


Today, we got a hand-written thank you card in the mail:


Charles was previously not inclined to believe that the lack of donation (that they knew about) was at the root of the before this - but now he thinks from a vibe from the thank you note (maybe because it WAS a written thank you note, as opposed to a less formal telephonic "thanks, and want to come over for a drink on Friday?") that it may indeed have been the root of their standoffishness.

I suspect there was an Excel spreadsheet of wedding invitees, with columns for their RSVP, which main course they selected, what they gave as a gift, and whether the thank you note was sent. And the last two columns on the row with our names have been glaringly blank for 2-1/2 years.

We'll see how things go in March. At least I feel better that the loop has been closed, and that they don't think we are cheapskates and wedding-gift-donation-stiffers. And that I gave them the pix (hey, the blurry red-toned ones where the flash didn't go off could be considered artsy-fartsy??).

Diana if they are that small minded are these the types of people that you want to be thick as thieves with? Honestly, if i were you, they could have kissed my eniter AZZ when you went out of your way to be considerate of her dietary concerns/requirements and then ate nothing staying only 1 hour. How rude is that??? Talk about good manners? Then you are going to bring me a recycled cake cause no one else wanted it? Thats for the birds.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I agree with @Charris ! My attitude would be eff them, I don't need people like that in my life, and sounds like you don't either.

 

[DianaCox]

Well the fact is, we may jointly have to make decisions for our parents in the future, so I think it's important that we are on good terms. For example, if it becomes necessary that S move to an assisted living place, and S wants Dad to come with, or vice versa, I don't want to have to deal with her kids' resistance to paying for Dad to stay with her.
I think it's better for Dad if I smile and nod and deal with them, and work harder than I should have to, in order to have a workable relationship with at least D.

 

[k9ophile]

Oh well, off to obsess about something else - it is my way.

IMNSOHO, a much better use of your time. I understand that you have a connection with these people, yet it does seem to be rather lop sided. You have been cordial; they have been rude. Should you be in their presence again due to your connection, continue to be kind. You can't change, them so why do more than is socially required?

 

[Charris]

Well the fact is, we may jointly have to make decisions for our parents in the future, so I think it's important that we are on good terms. For example, if it becomes necessary that S move to an assisted living place, and S wants Dad to come with, or vice versa, I don't want to have to deal with her kids' resistance to paying for Dad to stay with her.
I think it's better for Dad if I smile and nod and deal with them, and work harder than I should have to, in order to have a workable relationship with at least D.

Being nice and cordial is one ,thing as my mama used to say but you don't have top run around trying to kiss no one's azz