Try and stay that five time fast.
I've got a smoldering issue that for no reason in particular came to mind today, and I'm not sure how to handle it - or whether to continue to ignore it.
But first, some background is necessary.
My nearly 83 year old father lives with his widowed ladyfriend I'll call S - they've been living together for about 8 years now. She has money and my father has none - and she is so paranoid about becoming in any way financially responsible for him that he STILL has to maintain his address here at our house, and drive 30 miles to pick up his mail from time to time. She has two adult children to whom she (understandably) wants her estate to inherit - whereas my father will be pretty much left out in the cold when she passes (they're both tough old birds, but Dad is healthier). So she won't marry him.
Dad more than earns his keep - he cooks and shops and drives her (her vision is poor) and handles her checkbook and escorts her to places SHE likes to go - which to be fair, he couldn't afford, like the theater and symphony and fancy dinners and synagogue, and travel back east and to Europe and Israel, so even if they aren't HIS plans, he gets to go. I don't like it, but it's not my life. If she dies first, he gets kicked out of her condo and moves back in with us, which is fine. So money is a suppressed sore point within this extended "family."
Her son and his fiancee (D and K) got married 2.5 years ago. Although they live in the area, they lived50 miles away and we don't socialize. Our parents have only once invited us to do anything together, and although I have invited them over several times, only D came, once as I recall. They are about 15 years younger than us, so mid-40s, and no, we don't have much in common, other than our parents. They are DINKs, with refined tastes, if you get my drift.
We were invited to and attended their wedding, at which was a very nice affair, with a sit-down dinner. We were also invited to the rehearsal party and dinner, which also was a big deal the day before, so we went up the day before to Berkeley (about 50 miles away) and spent the night before and the night of at the hotel where the wedding was held. (They happened to get married on our wedding anniversary - which they knew, but was not mentioned.) My daughter and her (then) husband were invited and attended, as was my son - who pulled an asshole move and at the last minute, didn't go - I was furious at him and it resulted in a rift between us that lasted almost a year, because he embarrassed my father in front of his g/f and her somewhat snooty friends and family.
D and K were in their early 40s when they married and had lived together for a while - and they are fairly well off themselves. They asked that in lieu of wedding gifts, that guests donate to a charity - and they listed a few of their choice, all of which were local animal-based charities - or a charity of our choice. I'm sorry, but I prefer to donate to people - but we couldn't decide which one to donate to right at that time. Finally, at the end of the year, my husband sent a substantial sum to Doctors Without Borders. I just now asked him if there was a place on the donation paperwork to indicate that the donation was being made on behalf of someone else, but he didn't think he'd seen it, and I KNOW he would have had to ask me for the information, and he didn't.
That was two years ago. There was next to no contact between us and D&K during that time. Then in September, they bought a house IN OUR ZIPCODE - like 1 mile from our house. I welcomed them to the neightborhood by email, and invited them - two months in advance - to Thanksgivukkah dinner, on the FRIDAY after Thanksgiving (we concede T'day to the in-laws, and make our kids come for another dinner on Friday). I didn't get an answer until I resent the Evite twice. I know K is vegetarian, so I made sure there was food she could eat. In fact, the day before, I emailed D and asked him what KIND of vegetarian/vegan she is, so I could make my delicious stuffing without chicken broth if she is fussy about that. He said don't go to any trouble - but of course, I took that to mean yes, she would mind, so we made a separate batch for her. As well as several hors d'oeuvres that were vegan.
They showed up about an hour before dinner (they were invited to come over during the afternoon to schmooze and eat) - and immediately announced that they could not stay; dropped off a pie that they blythely announced was a re-gift, and left after an hour or so. K didn't touch anything we had prepared other than a glass of wine, and was very quiet and aloof the entire time they were at the house.
The entire rest of the family was stunned (Dad and S were on the east coast with S's daughter for the weekend, so they weren't there to witness this). We have not heard from them since, and you would think perhaps there may have been a housewarming party since then - if there was, we were not invited to it.
SOOOO ... I was thinking about this the other day, and it suddenly occurred to me - are we being shunned/snubbed because they don't know that we made a donation as they requested for a wedding present? Would someone do that? If so, is there a way of letting them know at this late date that we DID make a donation? Would it look like we are doing it because we are feeling snubbed and therefore we are making a show of it now? I don't see any way of "fixing" this (if indeed that's what it is) that doesn't embarrass everyone, which is of course the height of BAD manners. Or frankly, whether it is worth fixing.
I thought about asking my father if he knew anything about it - but he would feel really terrible to be put in the middle (and his social finesse is a little weak these days). I can't ask S - because if she DIDN'T know, she'd make a huge fuss about it and of course defend D&K.
The only thing I can think of is that I took some (terrible) pix at their wedding that I never sent them. I could burn them onto a CD and send it to them as a present, apologizing for the lateness, and mentioning that I hope the donation we made to DWB (or MSF, as it is actually known) was put to better use than my photography skills, or some such lame-o comment that points out that EXPLICITLY that we did make the donation.
This is really pissing me off, the more I think of it. I'm not sure if it makes me more annoyed that they might be snubbing us because they just don't find us interesting or Klassy enough for them, or because they think we are cheap assholes who ate their wedding food and didn't donate to a charity as a wedding gift.
What would you do?
I've got a smoldering issue that for no reason in particular came to mind today, and I'm not sure how to handle it - or whether to continue to ignore it.
But first, some background is necessary.
My nearly 83 year old father lives with his widowed ladyfriend I'll call S - they've been living together for about 8 years now. She has money and my father has none - and she is so paranoid about becoming in any way financially responsible for him that he STILL has to maintain his address here at our house, and drive 30 miles to pick up his mail from time to time. She has two adult children to whom she (understandably) wants her estate to inherit - whereas my father will be pretty much left out in the cold when she passes (they're both tough old birds, but Dad is healthier). So she won't marry him.
Dad more than earns his keep - he cooks and shops and drives her (her vision is poor) and handles her checkbook and escorts her to places SHE likes to go - which to be fair, he couldn't afford, like the theater and symphony and fancy dinners and synagogue, and travel back east and to Europe and Israel, so even if they aren't HIS plans, he gets to go. I don't like it, but it's not my life. If she dies first, he gets kicked out of her condo and moves back in with us, which is fine. So money is a suppressed sore point within this extended "family."
Her son and his fiancee (D and K) got married 2.5 years ago. Although they live in the area, they lived50 miles away and we don't socialize. Our parents have only once invited us to do anything together, and although I have invited them over several times, only D came, once as I recall. They are about 15 years younger than us, so mid-40s, and no, we don't have much in common, other than our parents. They are DINKs, with refined tastes, if you get my drift.
We were invited to and attended their wedding, at which was a very nice affair, with a sit-down dinner. We were also invited to the rehearsal party and dinner, which also was a big deal the day before, so we went up the day before to Berkeley (about 50 miles away) and spent the night before and the night of at the hotel where the wedding was held. (They happened to get married on our wedding anniversary - which they knew, but was not mentioned.) My daughter and her (then) husband were invited and attended, as was my son - who pulled an asshole move and at the last minute, didn't go - I was furious at him and it resulted in a rift between us that lasted almost a year, because he embarrassed my father in front of his g/f and her somewhat snooty friends and family.
D and K were in their early 40s when they married and had lived together for a while - and they are fairly well off themselves. They asked that in lieu of wedding gifts, that guests donate to a charity - and they listed a few of their choice, all of which were local animal-based charities - or a charity of our choice. I'm sorry, but I prefer to donate to people - but we couldn't decide which one to donate to right at that time. Finally, at the end of the year, my husband sent a substantial sum to Doctors Without Borders. I just now asked him if there was a place on the donation paperwork to indicate that the donation was being made on behalf of someone else, but he didn't think he'd seen it, and I KNOW he would have had to ask me for the information, and he didn't.
That was two years ago. There was next to no contact between us and D&K during that time. Then in September, they bought a house IN OUR ZIPCODE - like 1 mile from our house. I welcomed them to the neightborhood by email, and invited them - two months in advance - to Thanksgivukkah dinner, on the FRIDAY after Thanksgiving (we concede T'day to the in-laws, and make our kids come for another dinner on Friday). I didn't get an answer until I resent the Evite twice. I know K is vegetarian, so I made sure there was food she could eat. In fact, the day before, I emailed D and asked him what KIND of vegetarian/vegan she is, so I could make my delicious stuffing without chicken broth if she is fussy about that. He said don't go to any trouble - but of course, I took that to mean yes, she would mind, so we made a separate batch for her. As well as several hors d'oeuvres that were vegan.
They showed up about an hour before dinner (they were invited to come over during the afternoon to schmooze and eat) - and immediately announced that they could not stay; dropped off a pie that they blythely announced was a re-gift, and left after an hour or so. K didn't touch anything we had prepared other than a glass of wine, and was very quiet and aloof the entire time they were at the house.
The entire rest of the family was stunned (Dad and S were on the east coast with S's daughter for the weekend, so they weren't there to witness this). We have not heard from them since, and you would think perhaps there may have been a housewarming party since then - if there was, we were not invited to it.
SOOOO ... I was thinking about this the other day, and it suddenly occurred to me - are we being shunned/snubbed because they don't know that we made a donation as they requested for a wedding present? Would someone do that? If so, is there a way of letting them know at this late date that we DID make a donation? Would it look like we are doing it because we are feeling snubbed and therefore we are making a show of it now? I don't see any way of "fixing" this (if indeed that's what it is) that doesn't embarrass everyone, which is of course the height of BAD manners. Or frankly, whether it is worth fixing.
I thought about asking my father if he knew anything about it - but he would feel really terrible to be put in the middle (and his social finesse is a little weak these days). I can't ask S - because if she DIDN'T know, she'd make a huge fuss about it and of course defend D&K.
The only thing I can think of is that I took some (terrible) pix at their wedding that I never sent them. I could burn them onto a CD and send it to them as a present, apologizing for the lateness, and mentioning that I hope the donation we made to DWB (or MSF, as it is actually known) was put to better use than my photography skills, or some such lame-o comment that points out that EXPLICITLY that we did make the donation.
This is really pissing me off, the more I think of it. I'm not sure if it makes me more annoyed that they might be snubbing us because they just don't find us interesting or Klassy enough for them, or because they think we are cheap assholes who ate their wedding food and didn't donate to a charity as a wedding gift.
What would you do?
.
