Emotions....HELP?!

[DianaCox]

Even though all of my surgeries were ruled to be covered by the CA reconstructive surgery law, I no longer have insurance that is controlled by the CA law (my law firm is in VA, so I have Carefirst BCBS of VA). If I have the medically necessary surgeries done (hernia and lipoma) I will probably have to pay for a panniculectomy, much less an abdominoplasty (unless I can get a PS to make an argument about the diastasis recti and prior umbilical hernia making it better to do an abdominoplasty to prevent the risk of the incisional hernia and umbilical hernia merging and turning into a huge, mesh-needing repair).

And if I do that, then the curtains won't match the drapes - my thighs and ass are a disaster, and I cannot wrap my head around THAT surgery per se, much less paying for it out of pocket. So I'm back to dreading ANY further surgery, even though I'm approaching my lowest weight again, and what had filled out when I gained the weight (from about 170 to 205) from the antidepressants is empty-ish again, and looks worse.

Maybe I should look for another California-based job, for the insurance, start the job, then take off a few months for surgery, then allow myself to be forced into retirement with a Golden Parachute ... let me think on this ....

 

[Munchkin]

Hello. I'm new here and don't really know anyone, but I think it's great that you're trying to figure out all you can on an emotional front. My highest weight was right above 500 pounds (that I know of) and while I'm down to 335, I still feel every bit as big as I used to so I still feel like me. What @Munchkin said really resonates with me. I've identified as big, period. Most days I don't really see myself as a person or someone to love or deserving of good things, but I'm trying. Maybe you feel similarly, or not. But if you saw yourself as big, you're definitely going to feel much, much different now.

Seeing yourself as obese creeps into your brain in ways one doesn't always realize. I remember reading the Harry Potter books and the wonderful description of Hogwartz with all of the magical staircases and "climbing through the portrait hole to the common room" and thinking "I could never go to Hogwartz if it was real, I'm too fat for staircases and I'd probably get stuck in the portrait hole." It really hit me at that moment. Being enormous was so much in my mind that I couldn't even let myself live in the fantasy of a fantasy book. It's insidious, this fat we carry.

I've let it make me an almost hermit. My friends I used to have stopped calling when I stopped going out with them out of embarrassment. Now I have 2 friends in the world, my parents, and my sister. That's pretty much it. But I'm hoping to change those things. Still, I get what you're saying about therapy. I had my 2nd meeting with a therapist yesterday and I don't think she gets it.

Aaaand I've managed to make this comment all about me. Sorry.

In closing, keep thinking and talking it through. Keep looking for answers wherever you can find them.

How old are you? Maybe you told us elsewhere and I forgot. Anyway resolve right here and now to make the most of your do-over. And then go out and do it. No fear!

Strange, I was different. My fantasy Munchkin was always very thin and even pretty. After all, it was MY fantasy!

 

[DSRIGGS]

The only reason I mention that I had it with PS was because I had it with PS - the reason for the Reglan was supposedly to keep my guts moving while taking narcotics for an extended period of time for the pain - even though if I had been TOLD that, I would have just taken more colace or something else. It was given as part of a protocol, not because I was having symptoms.

Unfortunately, I am now 63, have no money for PS, or interest in the risks associated with elective surgery, much less the downtime required to recuperate from elective surgery. I probably WILL have something done eventually - I have a small incisional hernia just to the left of and above my umbilicus, and a now goose-egg sized lipoma on my right flank at my waistline, so a combined procedures with skin removal at the same time is probably in my future - but not until we do some traveling. OTOH, Charles has retorn his twice-repaired inguinal hernia, so maybe if he can't travel for a while, I should have mine done at the same time. The best laid plans ....

sorry to hear about Charles tearing both, and now I am going to walk on needles in fear of tearing my freshly repaired DI. On second thought I am much better at burying my head in the sand and pretending I didn't hear it.

My mental struggle right now is two fold. First will I ever be relatively healthy and feel good again. Second is that I have lost brain power and memory and worry that I will never be able to work again (obviously tied to point one).

Roo, I wish I had words of wisdom but I think this place & Dr K's group are very therapeutic and I think you are much like me in that you are an open book who says what is on your mind most of the time. These places give us that semi-anonymous ability to say and discuss things we wouldn't necessarily discuss with somebody face to face. I think you will talk your way through your transition and finding your new identity. In the mean time can you fix you fix me a delicious steak like you had the other night? Just teasing, so please hang in there as you work through your progression and of course, ping away if you need private chatting.

You are a beautiful person, inside and out and I know as you are becoming more society considered beautiful (you always have been beautiful) it is tough thing to grasp and fully embrace. Just know so many of us adore your spunk, your courage, your quirkiness (we are all quirk in our own way) and your passion for life, including others well being.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Dearest Roo, I didn't go through this so I can't speak from personal experience, but I wonder if losing 23 lbs and a big chunk of your silhouette on one fell swoop might be making this adjustment hard for you.
Bottom line, I loved the old you and love the new you just as much. You are still you.

I think this is a huge part of it. I went to sleep one shape and woke up entirely different. Realising that has given me ideas of avenues to pursue to see how other people deal with identity/body connection.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

. Anyone who can lose 400lbs and go through all the other craptastic medical issues you have is more than strong enough to figure out the rest of it. Believe in yourself.

This is what keeps going. I've come this far with most of my sanity in tact and have worked through a lot of shit on my own, that I should be able to tackle this monster too!

What the ever loving hell am I going to do with myself all tiny and 2 functional hips? lol. I can't even wrap my mind around having a body that works...all the time! Insane!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

But I can identify with the bizarre post-op (and post-op medications like narcotics and Reglan) psychiatric symptoms, which I suffered after my first (and therefore LAST) round of reconstructive surgery. It had nothing to do with the reshaping of my body (just had lower facelift and arms done) - it was a reaction to the meds. I was having suicidal ideation for no reason whatsoever, and panic attacks - which I had never had before. I ended up on anti-depressants - and gained 35 lbs, but that's another story. Not feeling like I was losing my mind was more important.

Thankfully, my post op mental health hasn't suffered THAT much. It did post sleeve, but that wasn't 100% anaesthetic...that was a 'holy shit girl, you've taken the first step of changing who you are at the core'...and I was put on meds that probably made my 3.5 years with a sleeve even more difficult.

But yes, mental health is 10000% more important than some number on the scale. Hand down. Every time!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Hello. I'm new here and don't really know anyone, but I think it's great that you're trying to figure out all you can on an emotional front. My highest weight was right above 500 pounds (that I know of) and while I'm down to 335, I still feel every bit as big as I used to so I still feel like me. What @Munchkin said really resonates with me. I've identified as big, period. Most days I don't really see myself as a person or someone to love or deserving of good things, but I'm trying. Maybe you feel similarly, or not. But if you saw yourself as big, you're definitely going to feel much, much different now.

Seeing yourself as obese creeps into your brain in ways one doesn't always realize. I remember reading the Harry Potter books and the wonderful description of Hogwartz with all of the magical staircases and "climbing through the portrait hole to the common room" and thinking "I could never go to Hogwartz if it was real, I'm too fat for staircases and I'd probably get stuck in the portrait hole." It really hit me at that moment. Being enormous was so much in my mind that I couldn't even let myself live in the fantasy of a fantasy book. It's insidious, this fat we carry.

I've let it make me an almost hermit. My friends I used to have stopped calling when I stopped going out with them out of embarrassment. Now I have 2 friends in the world, my parents, and my sister. That's pretty much it. But I'm hoping to change those things. Still, I get what you're saying about therapy. I had my 2nd meeting with a therapist yesterday and I don't think she gets it.

Aaaand I've managed to make this comment all about me. Sorry.

In closing, keep thinking and talking it through. Keep looking for answers wherever you can find them.

Your post touched me. Do not worry about 'making it all about you' cos girl I get it. Oh do I get it. I have always been super duper fat. Not a little fat, not chubby, not husky...super duper fat. I was born in 1978 when super obese babies only existed in the circus. My aunt and mom had to sew my clothes...omg, lol. I have some horrendous pics from childhood...lol!

And then starting kindergarten 3 times the size of everyone else...yeah, I learned my place in the world VERY VERY early. I don't know anything other than being a wallflower or the comedy relief.

The part of your post that REALLY spoke to me was about our size seeping into every aspect. YES! Every film I watched my entire life: I would never make it out alive, I would never have those friends, I would never get that guy, I could never do this or do that or fit here or fit there. I guess I kinda felt like an alien to the real world most of my life.

Soooooooooo......I found 'my people'. At 18 I found the plus size/size acceptance community and jumped in with both feet. These people knew how I felt about EVERYTHING! It was refreshing! And people found me SEXY!! It was a revealing time and at such an impressionable age.

You've got this! Its a weird journey!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

What Hilary said, and let me add...when "it" happens, don't think for a moment that everyone else is changing and you are the same person you have always been.

Because...you will realize that you are walking differently, and moving about differently, and crossing your legs, and you are even evaluating the planet and some folks on it differently. One of my shocks was that with the DS was the day at a restaurant when I realized that I no longer had to make sure that there were tables and chairs and not just booths that I didn't fit in.

And THEN, at my 50 year HS reunion, a former classmate put his arm on my shoulder and asked if I was "currently married." I mean...there is all kinds of shit to learn to deal with.

So just because you're better, doesn't mean you understand your environment and/or know how to act. In the autobiographical book The Prozac Diaries, (I think) the author Lauren Slater (I think) revealed that while the Prozac treated the disabling depression she had, and she could leave the house and go to school and go shopping...she found herself...an adult in a world she had never experienced because she had been institutionalized and/or hibernating alone in her basement apartment...having sex on the hood of her date's car. So your incredible weight loss has made you MUCH healthier, now you have to catch up on all the crap you missed and maybe don't even realize you missed. (And check car hoods to make sure they aren't too hot.)

You first comment about me changing. I disagree somewhat. It is BOTH!!! I have notice the world dramatically change in its acceptance of me once I got into the 300's. Even in a wheelchair/using a stick. People looked AT me and not through me. So they changed. The world changed.

But NOW?! Holy shit. I *AM* changing!!! This apronectomy has changed me. That was the moment that everything changed. EVERYTHING. I need to let the dust settled a lie low, because you are 100% right. I do not know how to interact socially with anyone or anything!!! After weight loss I was still me, still big bellied woman, just much smaller....now, Im crazy normal looking lol and it is TERRIFYING!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Roo, you can laugh at this. I do!

A million years ago I can remember telling my H that I could not have bariatric surgery because I was sure I would be a slut.

.

I have said this since I was a teenager!!!! I had a fun, bubbly personality that everyone liked, I was just missing the acceptable body. I too was convinced I would be a slut if I was thin. However, sex is the furthest thing from my mind right now lol. My mind is racing with things I want to do: white water rafting, hiking, kayaking, playing volleyball, travelling.....like...who the hell is going to have time for sluttery when there is so much LIFE to catch up on lol.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Strange, I was different. My fantasy Munchkin was always very thin and even pretty. After all, it was MY fantasy!

My fatness goes so deep that even in my dreams at night, they centred around discrimination, getting physically stuck places etc. I also dream in the 3rd person....like my mind is the camera and I can see my whole body as it goes through the dream. But Im weird, it has been established lol

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

So, I bought my first book. LOL. Im ALL about working through this shit all by myself. I think my main focus is Identity for now. So this is where my eyeballs will be tomorrow.

Parts Psychology: A Trauma-Based, Self-State Therapy for Emotional Healing

 

[Butterfly]

How old are you? Maybe you told us elsewhere and I forgot. Anyway resolve right here and now to make the most of your do-over. And then go out and do it. No fear!

Strange, I was different. My fantasy Munchkin was always very thin and even pretty. After all, it was MY fantasy!

I'm 45. Getting long in the tooth for a do-over but I'm going to take it! I start a 2 year college program in 2 weeks so that's definitely part of my do-over. I could barely walk at 500 pounds. At 340 pounds and 45 years old I know it'll be tough, but I'm going to keep plugging at it.

Thank you for the motivation

Your post touched me. Do not worry about 'making it all about you' cos girl I get it. Oh do I get it. I have always been super duper fat. Not a little fat, not chubby, not husky...super duper fat. I was born in 1978 when super obese babies only existed in the circus. My aunt and mom had to sew my clothes...omg, lol. I have some horrendous pics from childhood...lol!

And then starting kindergarten 3 times the size of everyone else...yeah, I learned my place in the world VERY VERY early. I don't know anything other than being a wallflower or the comedy relief.

The part of your post that REALLY spoke to me was about our size seeping into every aspect. YES! Every film I watched my entire life: I would never make it out alive, I would never have those friends, I would never get that guy, I could never do this or do that or fit here or fit there. I guess I kinda felt like an alien to the real world most of my life.

Soooooooooo......I found 'my people'. At 18 I found the plus size/size acceptance community and jumped in with both feet. These people knew how I felt about EVERYTHING! It was refreshing! And people found me SEXY!! It was a revealing time and at such an impressionable age.

You've got this! Its a weird journey!

It's like you're talking about me right up until you found the fat acceptance people. I am absolutely thrilled for you that you did, that had to be such a relief! I may have found them if I'd have looked for them, but instead I drew in and tried to make myself as invisible as a super fat girl could. I'd be funny when I could at work, but I'd hide at home whenever possible. I've let it keep me from friendships, relationships, and life in general.

No more! I'm going to keep working at this, and I'm hoping that part 2 (the D/S) will help me along the way. I'm going to be sending my surgical info to a nearby doctor at the end of the week to see if he'll do the D/S for me. If not, to Mexico I go. Either way, I've missed out on too much life as it is.

I can't wait to read more from you. I feel like I know ya already

 

[DianaCox]

Somewhat tangentially, I stumbled upon this post describing words for strange emotional feelings: http://m.damnlol.com/23-emotions-people-feel-but-cant-explain-77715.html

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Somewhat tangentially, I stumbled upon this post describing words for strange emotional feelings: http://m.damnlol.com/23-emotions-people-feel-but-cant-explain-77715.html

This one explains it best. Though I haven't given up just yet!


Exulansis, coined by John Koenig, is the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate to it—whether through envy or pity or simple foreignness

 

[southernlady]

I'm 45. Getting long in the tooth for a do-over but I'm going to take it! I start a 2 year college program in 2 weeks so that's definitely part of my do-over.

What I told a friend of mine when she told me she was too old to go back to college to finish her Associate Degree...
And how old will you be in two years if you don't do it?

She went back to college, not only finished her Associate but a Bachelor's AND her Master's. When she got her Master's my husband and I paid for her license to be a counselor for kids. She had to pass but also had to pay for the license. We gave her the money do get it as a graduation present.