Emotions....HELP?!

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Where does one go to talk to people or read about experiences when one is a special damn snowflake?

At this point therapy wouldn't help as they don't know any better than friends (free people lol)

I'm kinda having an identity crisis. I avoided this throughout my entire weight loss journey and I think having my 'belly' aka skin flap, was what was keeping me grounded.

Stepped on the scale this morning. I've now lost 398.5....and its going down daily, which is GREAT, it's what I want/need but....

I'm feeling funny in the head. Not sad, not depressed, no regrets. I don't know WHAT this is. I caught a glimpse of myself sideways in the mirror yesterday at the cinema. I knew it was me so it wasn't one of those gleeful moments that people post about. Nope. I knew it was ME, but it wasn't me...and it caused a moment of panic. Im the queen of dissociation and can quickly block things out and that worked a treat last night so I could enjoy date night, but I would like to deal with things as they appear instead of just burying it all.

I've googled, I've search amazon...and everything about plastics/tummy surgery is all about rainbows and fucking unicorns about self confidence and being pretty. I don't give 2 shits about all that. I want the deep nitty gritty of the losing of ones identity, nearly over night.

Does anyone have any reading recommendations? I feel like no one understands, even those on the high BMI board....like, I don't even know how to explain it. It's not that I WANT to be a special snowflake, but I was to be able to identify with someone who has been there and made it out the other side OK with sanity intact.

Im lying low and making no radical decisions until I get my headspace together, but dang. The mental side has hit me like a ton of bricks, all at once, 6 years after my journey started.

 

[southernlady]

As I mentioned on FB:

While mine was for a completely different reason, I came thru mine with an appreciation of where I had been. And how I had to change.

Back before Dec 15th, 1997, I was a completely different person than who I am now. That was the day I was officially diagnosed with diabetes and could no longer hide. The me before that day didn't worry about what I was eating or drinking in regards to my health (other than weight). But that day marked a big change. I lost the old me and had to recreate a new me. That was the day the old me "died".

I had been cooking and making candy and other Christmas goodies since Thanksgiving that year...had lots of them all over almost every horizontal surface I had. Came home from that appt and looked around...I remember thinking, I can't have this stuff any more. I also remember going to the pantry to find something I could eat. I pulled out a can of tuna and instead of reading carb count on that can, I read CHOLESTEROL count...I burst into tears and took myself upstairs for a good long cry in the shower bemoaning the loss of the old me and hating the new one.

When I finally cried myself out and got dressed again, I went back downstairs and went looking again for something to snack on...this time I had to laugh at my mistake cause I had read the damned can of tuna WRONG.

I also have never cooked/made candy to that extent ever again.

But it took me a long time to come out the other side and find out that the new me would work.

Stroke survivors deal with this transition too: https://strokesurvivor2015.wordpress.com/.../mourning.../

Dh also went thru the loss of the old me to a new me. His was due to NPH which was caused, as best we can figure by a fall that caused a TBI and a stroke from high blood pressure. He lost his working identity. But he is a confident person even now, he just had to go thru the loss of the old and transition to the new.

It isn't easy but many of us have done it for one reason or another. And most of us aren't sad about where we ended up as a result.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

I know I cross posted between here and FB, but more people might come across it via google here and it might help some soul in the future.

I will post daily updates here for a while maybe...so if anyone else goes through it, they can see that it can be overcome.

Thanks for seeing me through the many many years of my journey!

 

[southernlady]

Yes, it might...and others here will also need this as they become "new people".

 

[Larra]

Dearest Roo, I didn't go through this so I can't speak from personal experience, but I wonder if losing 23 lbs and a big chunk of your silhouette on one fell swoop might be making this adjustment hard for you.
Bottom line, I loved the old you and love the new you just as much. You are still you.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I still remember not recognizing me in a store window.

I also remember when Mr. Sue rolled over in bed, flopped his arm in my direction and then sat bolt upright in shock. His arm had hit my hip bone. Previously, my bones were in Witness Protection or something. Feeling a bone on my side of the bed sent him into panic mode.

(Maybe he thought I'd find out and he'd be in trouble?)

 

[Munchkin]

Being big was your identity. Sometimes big and sometimes bigger, it was who you were. Now you have suddenly turned that corner and you have to learn how not to be big. Life without a safety net, all the insulation is gone.

I can't claim to be an expert but I do know this. Anyone who can lose 400lbs and go through all the other craptastic medical issues you have is more than strong enough to figure out the rest of it. Believe in yourself.

 

[DianaCox]

Here is a link to possible articles that might be of interest: https://www.google.com/search?sourc...weight identi&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.7706j0j7

Personally, I was "only" obese essentially my entire late teen and adult life, but only MO the 5 years before surgery. I always felt fat, but never felt like it did anything to me beside narrow my choice of men and clothes. I wasn't sick or incapacitated (until the last 5 years), so that didn't become a part of my identity.

But I can identify with the bizarre post-op (and post-op medications like narcotics and Reglan) psychiatric symptoms, which I suffered after my first (and therefore LAST) round of reconstructive surgery. It had nothing to do with the reshaping of my body (just had lower facelift and arms done) - it was a reaction to the meds. I was having suicidal ideation for no reason whatsoever, and panic attacks - which I had never had before. I ended up on anti-depressants - and gained 35 lbs, but that's another story. Not feeling like I was losing my mind was more important.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Here is a link to possible articles that might be of interest: https://www.google.com/search?sourceid=chrome-psyapi2&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8&q=losing weight and identity&oq=losing weight identi&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l3.7706j0j7

Personally, I was "only" obese essentially my entire late teen and adult life, but only MO the 5 years before surgery. I always felt fat, but never felt like it did anything to me beside narrow my choice of men and clothes. I wasn't sick or incapacitated (until the last 5 years), so that didn't become a part of my identity.

But I can identify with the bizarre post-op (and post-op medications like narcotics and Reglan) psychiatric symptoms, which I suffered after my first (and therefore LAST) round of reconstructive surgery. It had nothing to do with the reshaping of my body (just had lower facelift and arms done) - it was a reaction to the meds. I was having suicidal ideation for no reason whatsoever, and panic attacks - which I had never had before. I ended up on anti-depressants - and gained 35 lbs, but that's another story. Not feeling like I was losing my mind was more important.

I remember that you had a bad reaction to Reglan...but I also know you know that many people have PS without Reglan. So why, when you write about it, does PS = Reglan?

I had a breast reduction, a panniculectomy, a tweaking of panniculectomy dog ears, and other procedures...and no Reglan with those. In fact, my only Reglan was for the DS!

If you ever WANT PS, you can have PS without Reglan...I promise.

 

[DianaCox]

The only reason I mention that I had it with PS was because I had it with PS - the reason for the Reglan was supposedly to keep my guts moving while taking narcotics for an extended period of time for the pain - even though if I had been TOLD that, I would have just taken more colace or something else. It was given as part of a protocol, not because I was having symptoms.

Unfortunately, I am now 63, have no money for PS, or interest in the risks associated with elective surgery, much less the downtime required to recuperate from elective surgery. I probably WILL have something done eventually - I have a small incisional hernia just to the left of and above my umbilicus, and a now goose-egg sized lipoma on my right flank at my waistline, so a combined procedures with skin removal at the same time is probably in my future - but not until we do some traveling. OTOH, Charles has retorn his twice-repaired inguinal hernia, so maybe if he can't travel for a while, I should have mine done at the same time. The best laid plans ....

 

[Butterfly]

Hello. I'm new here and don't really know anyone, but I think it's great that you're trying to figure out all you can on an emotional front. My highest weight was right above 500 pounds (that I know of) and while I'm down to 335, I still feel every bit as big as I used to so I still feel like me. What @Munchkin said really resonates with me. I've identified as big, period. Most days I don't really see myself as a person or someone to love or deserving of good things, but I'm trying. Maybe you feel similarly, or not. But if you saw yourself as big, you're definitely going to feel much, much different now.

Seeing yourself as obese creeps into your brain in ways one doesn't always realize. I remember reading the Harry Potter books and the wonderful description of Hogwartz with all of the magical staircases and "climbing through the portrait hole to the common room" and thinking "I could never go to Hogwartz if it was real, I'm too fat for staircases and I'd probably get stuck in the portrait hole." It really hit me at that moment. Being enormous was so much in my mind that I couldn't even let myself live in the fantasy of a fantasy book. It's insidious, this fat we carry.

I've let it make me an almost hermit. My friends I used to have stopped calling when I stopped going out with them out of embarrassment. Now I have 2 friends in the world, my parents, and my sister. That's pretty much it. But I'm hoping to change those things. Still, I get what you're saying about therapy. I had my 2nd meeting with a therapist yesterday and I don't think she gets it.

Aaaand I've managed to make this comment all about me. Sorry.

In closing, keep thinking and talking it through. Keep looking for answers wherever you can find them.

 

[hilary1617]

Roo, While it is your amazing, beautiful inner self that matters and defines you, it may take a while to get used to the new packaging. Sometimes the cushioning that obesity provides isn't entirely physical. I know I miss the my prior heft sometimes when I'm treated differently now than I was back when in the day.

Know you are awesome, deserve all the best and that this would be a tough transition for anyone. I'm thinking of you!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

What Hilary said, and let me add...when "it" happens, don't think for a moment that everyone else is changing and you are the same person you have always been.

Because...you will realize that you are walking differently, and moving about differently, and crossing your legs, and you are even evaluating the planet and some folks on it differently. One of my shocks was that with the DS was the day at a restaurant when I realized that I no longer had to make sure that there were tables and chairs and not just booths that I didn't fit in.

And THEN, at my 50 year HS reunion, a former classmate put his arm on my shoulder and asked if I was "currently married." I mean...there is all kinds of shit to learn to deal with.

So just because you're better, doesn't mean you understand your environment and/or know how to act. In the autobiographical book The Prozac Diaries, (I think) the author Lauren Slater (I think) revealed that while the Prozac treated the disabling depression she had, and she could leave the house and go to school and go shopping...she found herself...an adult in a world she had never experienced because she had been institutionalized and/or hibernating alone in her basement apartment...having sex on the hood of her date's car. So your incredible weight loss has made you MUCH healthier, now you have to catch up on all the crap you missed and maybe don't even realize you missed. (And check car hoods to make sure they aren't too hot.)

 

[Munchkin]

The only reason I mention that I had it with PS was because I had it with PS - the reason for the Reglan was supposedly to keep my guts moving while taking narcotics for an extended period of time for the pain - even though if I had been TOLD that, I would have just taken more colace or something else. It was given as part of a protocol, not because I was having symptoms.

Unfortunately, I am now 63, have no money for PS, or interest in the risks associated with elective surgery, much less the downtime required to recuperate from elective surgery. I probably WILL have something done eventually - I have a small incisional hernia just to the left of and above my umbilicus, and a now goose-egg sized lipoma on my right flank at my waistline, so a combined procedures with skin removal at the same time is probably in my future - but not until we do some traveling. OTOH, Charles has retorn his twice-repaired inguinal hernia, so maybe if he can't travel for a while, I should have mine done at the same time. The best laid plans ....

NOOOO! I can't believe it. And that's why I am not looking forward to having my monster repaired even though the sane side of me knows it's gross to look like a pregnant old bat!

 

[Munchkin]

Roo, you can laugh at this. I do!

A million years ago I can remember telling my H that I could not have bariatric surgery because I was sure I would be a slut.

And I will never forget being puzzled when I went to get some work done on my car. What was with the men who had ignored me for years doing strange stuff like opening doors for me? Hit me like a ton of bricks when I finally realized I had lost enough weight to go from invisible to human, and one step more, a woman.

Bariatric surgery is as close to a do-over as we will ever get.