Does she need my advice? I’m about to offer parenting advice...omg.

[Spiky Bugger]

The child is nine. And a bit of a Drama Llama. (When we remind her it doesn’t work here and she’s busted...we all laugh and she stops.)

But Mommy, aka “MiniSue’s Significant Other’s ex-wife” is the issue. The parents, Mommy and Daddy, have every other week custody. But Mommy not only USES the child as a BFF, she “visits” her at school during Daddy’s custody week.

And we learn that:
•Mommy likes me best because she brings me Starbuck’s hot cocoa to my before school program, after Daddy drops me off and goes to work. Daddy only gives me things like cereal or bacon for breakfast.
•Mommy works so hard and she’s ALL ALONE. Daddy has [MiniSue], but Mommy is ALL ALONE.
•Tom is Mommy’s boss and she needs to get a different job because he’s so mean. But she has to stay there now to make money and do all the work herself.
•Mommy HAD a boyfriend. But he said mean things to her. And you can’t know the future, so she didn’t know that would happen. But that’s why she cries. That and because she’s alone.
•Mommy takes me to plays and musicals (Mommy was a Theater Major...and enrolls the kid in EVERY local theater program...I want her in STEM/STEAM or Chinese or Spanish Language Immersion, but she’s not my kid...or grandkid...or step-anything), but Daddy only takes me to movies and on trips, but not plays and they cost more.
•When I get sick, Mommy takes me to the doctor and SHE HAS TO PAY every time. Daddy doesn’t take me, so he doesn’t pay. (YOU explain co-pays vs monthly premiums to a kid. Most adults don’t understand.). (I didn’t try. I just told her that Mommy and Daddy got help from an expert on such things on what would be fair...and they both pay to make sure she gets medical care. Mommy pays when they go. But Daddy pays, too.)

I would like to discuss this with Mommy...over the hood of her car in the parking lot when there are not witnesses. Not only is this child abuse...it is a HUGE NEON SIGN that Mommy needs psych help.

Daddy doesn’t want to confront Mommy because, he says, she’ll argue with him, nothing will change and she will yell at the kid for ratting her out.

Can I beat her up? Can I just say, “Look, Mommy! What I see...what others will see, what the kid will eventually see...is a 40-something woman so desperate for comforting that she is asking a CHILD to console her, lying to that child about her father, undermining the father’s authority, and trying to BUY the child’s love, so that the kid is in the position of caring for her needy mother. Which makes you a C__T. “

You guys cool with that?

 

[Georgepds]

So , in framing a response, all I can think of is that long lost robot crying "Danger Will Robinson danger danger"

 

[Larra]

What Mommy doesn't understand is that the day will come, when this child gets a bunch of years older, the child will hate her for ruining (or at least trying to ruin) her relationship with her father. Mommy sounds either very needy or very hurt and angry. Or both. Either way, she needs counseling that she probably won't get.
Do what you can to be supportive of the father without being negative about the mother. Be a loving presence in her life, like the grandmother that you aren't.

 

[southernlady]

I agree with Larra. I know it’s hard to keep from bitch slapping the female bio parent into next year but sit on your hands.

 

[DianaCox]

Vent here. Remember also that almost every parent and grandparent in a child-of-divorce’s life feels the need to blunt the impact of the other parent’s craziness.

And as for the theater stuff - that can be blunted by explaining that everyone has different strengths and interests, and isn’t it great that Mommy knows a lot about theater and teaches her about that, while Daddy knows about X and Y, MiniSue knows about Z, you know about this and that, Mr. Sue knows about other things, etc.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I agree with Larra. I know it’s hard to keep from bitch slapping the female bio parent into next year but sit on your hands.

It isn’t usually my HANDS that get me into trouble. LOL

 

[southernlady]

It isn’t usually my HANDS that get me into trouble. LOL

I understand, me too.

 

[Sheanie]

In the end, I suspect YOU will be remembered by this child as the calm in her storm. Kids are way more perceptive than we know. Sneakier, too.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

What Mommy doesn't understand is that the day will come, when this child gets a bunch of years older, the child will hate her for ruining (or at least trying to ruin) her relationship with her father. Mommy sounds either very needy or very hurt and angry. Or both. Either way, she needs counseling that she probably won't get.
Do what you can to be supportive of the father without being negative about the mother. Be a loving presence in her life, like the grandmother that you aren't.

The harshest thing my sometimes very wise mother called my father was “my ex-husband.” Usually, it was “the girls’ father” or “the girls’ dad.”

 

[southernlady]

The harshest thing my sometimes very wise mother called my father was “my ex-husband.” Usually, it was “the girls’ father” or “the girls’ dad.”

I told my husband that even before we got married. I grew up with a step mother and knew that was important cause regardless of how the adults feel, the child needs to know both the parents are good ( even if they aren’t and they will figure that out soon enough).

 

[Spiky Bugger]

In the end, I suspect YOU will be remembered by this child as the calm in her storm. Kids are way more perceptive than we know. Sneakier, too.

Well, we DO give her space to vent about all this. And we already engage in some of what’s been suggested.

But, we get her every other week and each time, we hear her channeling mommy’s most recent complaints.

 

[Sheanie]

Yep. Probly listening is what she needs. Because kids in her situation feel like they have to choose a "side". Thats damaging to a kid who obviously loves them both.

Adults can be such 3rd graders sometimes.

 

[hilary1617]

"Isn't it great that Mommy and Daddy both love you so much and in their different special ways! I love you too. So glad that love multiplies so there is enough love to share with everyone. Grown-ups can be so silly." is about all I would muster. I wouldn't even speak to the ex; just to kiddo. Hang in there!

 

[k9ophile]

Kids will figure things out eventually. It's hard watching them go through it at such a young age. I can't add to the wise things others have said.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I agree, you've gotten fantastic advice to which all I can say is, good for you for listening to the poor kid.