Dad is finally moving in with us
- Thread starter DianaCox
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hilary1617
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Wow. Such a tragic tale. 
May they soon find a way to stop this terrible condition that robs our loved ones of their selves.
May they soon find a way to stop this terrible condition that robs our loved ones of their selves.
OMFG. I was texting with my sister last night, after she spoke to Dad and GF on the phone. (I should point out that we have apparently taken on Good Cop/Bad Cop roles, and as usual, I’m the Bad Cop.) She said the two of them are now contemplating a new scheme.
During a phone call on the 26th with Dad’s Physician’s Assistant from the VA (she makes house calls, checks Dad, sets up his pills, and has also been involved in a bit of social work/counseling with them; I met with her this summer and we talk from time to time as well as this move has been planned), including Dad and GF, the PA mentioned to me with regardto long term planning that there might be group homes in the Phoenix area for Dad that were approved by the VA, rather than the downtown Phoenix VA long term care facility, like there are in California.
Apparently, this has set GF off on a new quest to try to find out if he can move into one of these in the Bay Area, rather than moving in with us in AZ. I am livid.
She had better not try to change the plan at this point. I’m somewhat OK if this is just a backup plan in case he’s unhappy here, because I truly think he won’t be, but everyone who warned me that it ain’t over yet - including Charles - was right.
He needs to live with US, with FAMILY, not in a group home where he will be isolated 99% of the time, and where his care can’t be supervised!
I’m up early because I have to drive Charles to an appointment for a UGI this morning, but I’m going to have to get ahold of the PA and his VA social worker as soon as the VA opens in CA this morning.
I know they are both afraid of being separated, but this is not an acceptable alternative.
During a phone call on the 26th with Dad’s Physician’s Assistant from the VA (she makes house calls, checks Dad, sets up his pills, and has also been involved in a bit of social work/counseling with them; I met with her this summer and we talk from time to time as well as this move has been planned), including Dad and GF, the PA mentioned to me with regardto long term planning that there might be group homes in the Phoenix area for Dad that were approved by the VA, rather than the downtown Phoenix VA long term care facility, like there are in California.
Apparently, this has set GF off on a new quest to try to find out if he can move into one of these in the Bay Area, rather than moving in with us in AZ. I am livid.
She had better not try to change the plan at this point. I’m somewhat OK if this is just a backup plan in case he’s unhappy here, because I truly think he won’t be, but everyone who warned me that it ain’t over yet - including Charles - was right.
He needs to live with US, with FAMILY, not in a group home where he will be isolated 99% of the time, and where his care can’t be supervised!
I’m up early because I have to drive Charles to an appointment for a UGI this morning, but I’m going to have to get ahold of the PA and his VA social worker as soon as the VA opens in CA this morning.
I know they are both afraid of being separated, but this is not an acceptable alternative.
wow, how stressful for both of you.
hilary1617
First time at the rodeo.
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OMFG. No way!
I totally agree he needs to be with family now. I would emphasize, based on personal experience now with Soldiers Home/VA, and two very, very high end facilities that are supposed to be provide the absolute best care available, later on if he needs an external housing option, he must be geographically close to someone who loves him, is fully compos mentis, and can drive who can visit very often - daily if possible.
I'm so sorry for the added stress.
I totally agree he needs to be with family now. I would emphasize, based on personal experience now with Soldiers Home/VA, and two very, very high end facilities that are supposed to be provide the absolute best care available, later on if he needs an external housing option, he must be geographically close to someone who loves him, is fully compos mentis, and can drive who can visit very often - daily if possible.
I'm so sorry for the added stress.
Exactly - she would only see him occasionally, and then only if someone drove her there. AND SHE’S NOT FAMILY - which was by her choice.
Diana, I know you know this but with your dad’s declining memory and her lack of formalized legal status, it will fall to HIS family to handle this.
To be honest, I’m not sure I recall whether he gave her some sort of power of attorney. She is currently handling his financial affairs. I’m just not going to rock the boat at this point. Once he gets here on Thursday (fingers crossed), ALL responsibility for his care will be transferred to me (probably with Charles and my sister as co-deciders). I will get him to fill out papers with the VA here right away.
To be clear about one thing, the VA Aid & Assistance pension has to be spent on his care - saving it for any length of time isn’t an option, as the VA will determine that he doesn’t need money he doesn’t use, and but back on the amount. So I can’t really fault her for spending it down.
To be clear about one thing, the VA Aid & Assistance pension has to be spent on his care - saving it for any length of time isn’t an option, as the VA will determine that he doesn’t need money he doesn’t use, and but back on the amount. So I can’t really fault her for spending it down.
hilary1617
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What's the contingency plan if he doesn't show up on Thursday? You need to get POA, for sure, given his memory challenges / confusion.
Especially if the GF is also having memory issues.
it sure sounds like she really, really doesn't want him to go to your place; that she realizes once he does she loses control.
you might want to have a backup plan. I mean to fly there and escort him back.
and if she does have POA that might not even work.
I am sorry this is going so poorly.
but, honestly I wouldn't ignore it.
Got this from her an hour or so ago:
Clothes etc.
Will arrive on Jan.6th, 2 days before your trip, I understand. Coming from Staples and they couldn't keep them longer. Ted lost some good clothes. Probably put in donation pile by mistake. Too bad, but he got a couple new things. One jacket will arrive after you return from your trip.
Please let me know how Ted is doing. He and I will talk, but your observations would be welcome . Thank you. All the best, [GF]
I replied:
OK, that will work.
Of course I will let you know how he’s doing, and want to know how you’re doing as well. What are your current plans for moving to the Moldow?
We SHOULD have internet connectivity at Lake Havasu, but I never know for sure until we get there, so don’t be concerned if you don’t hear from us. We’re going to be with a caravan of other people in the RV club at a state park campground, so not in a remote area.
Have a wonderful (if bittersweet) New Year’s Eve. ❤️
And she responded:
Thank you for your very kind note.
So I think we’re still on for Thursday.
I’m going to get him to sign new powers of attorney as soon as he gets here.
Clothes etc.
Will arrive on Jan.6th, 2 days before your trip, I understand. Coming from Staples and they couldn't keep them longer. Ted lost some good clothes. Probably put in donation pile by mistake. Too bad, but he got a couple new things. One jacket will arrive after you return from your trip.
Please let me know how Ted is doing. He and I will talk, but your observations would be welcome . Thank you. All the best, [GF]
I replied:
OK, that will work.
Of course I will let you know how he’s doing, and want to know how you’re doing as well. What are your current plans for moving to the Moldow?
We SHOULD have internet connectivity at Lake Havasu, but I never know for sure until we get there, so don’t be concerned if you don’t hear from us. We’re going to be with a caravan of other people in the RV club at a state park campground, so not in a remote area.
Have a wonderful (if bittersweet) New Year’s Eve. ❤️
And she responded:
Thank you for your very kind note.
So I think we’re still on for Thursday.
I’m going to get him to sign new powers of attorney as soon as he gets here.
hilary1617
First time at the rodeo.
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That's promising!
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