Aging and spouses/family members

I don't know what to do - I feel like I should be there, but I don't want to be. I don't know how close she is to the end. I don't want it to be all on my sister either, and I don't want Mom to be alone, but ... I don't want to face it myself.

Been there, done that and I still have no solid advice. FWIW, you and your sister will be in my thoughts and prayers. Our wrinkle was that Mom couldn't swallow due to her stroke and my sister wanted a feeding tube. I didn't. But sister was there with Mom in OH and I was in TN, so I yielded to her judgement. Divine intervention took Mom in the middle of the night. I truly feel for you being so far away. There is no wrong nor right thing to do.
 
DianaCox said:
And I get to add another stressor - but it's just mine (well, for the most part, except how my response affects Charles): Mom is dying. In Virginia, 2700 miles from here. And my sister is the only family there, and she's handling this burden all by herself.

Mom had to be moved into a nursing home in June. She's been declining rapidly since then, especially in the last few weeks - her dementia is becoming profound. My sister texted me and our brothers (in Los Angeles, too impoverished and busy keeping their auto repair business from going under to leave for a trip back east - I paid for each of them to visit Mom a couple of years ago) yesterday, advising that she no longer seems to be able to swallow even pureed food - something about dementia is involved. I tried to call Mom today - she couldn't answer the phone - the nurse had to help her, and all she could say is "I can't talk." She was drugged, but apparently this is necessary because otherwise her anxiety has her yelling all the time.

I don't know what to do - I feel like I should be there, but I don't want to be. I don't know how close she is to the end. I don't want it to be all on my sister either, and I don't want Mom to be alone, but ... I don't want to face it myself.

Oh - and we put the deposit down on a new-to-us RV today. We should get it late next week. https://www.rvt.com/Holiday-Rambler-Ambassador-40PDQ-2007-Glendale-AZ-IDs7771099-UX245479 (no, we didn't pay that much). I actually plotted a road trip to VA in the RV, but that is just too much to face, and might take too long.
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I am so sorry. You have watched me, and held my hand from afar, when I was where you are now. As with others who have BTDT, my best advice is:
Trust that you will do the best you can under these impossible circumstances.

There were, in my mom's case, moments of lucidity, more as she got closer to death. And I caught a couple of them. And probably missed others. But even if I had moved into her room, I might have missed them all.

And, even if my presence there gave her a moment or two of comfort, there is no way to know if she even remembered it mere moments later.

Try to not make yourself crazy. And if @OldBroad can resist killing herself with constant attendance, then maybe you can find a way to get there and give @OldBroad some time off. (And remember, she is the Sister-in-Charge with this parent and she will probably ask for your advice...when she wants it. The shoe will be on the other foot w/Dad.)

Finally, there will be moments to savor. Look for them. One of my favorites went something like:

Mom: When I die, will I be buried or cremated?
Me: Well, you told us you wanted cremation, but if you've changed your mind, now would be a good time to mention it.
Mom: No. Cremation is okay.
Me: Fine.
Thoughtful pause.
Mom: What are you going to do with the ashes?
Me: Aha! We've never discussed that. Do you have a preference?
Another thoughtful pause.
Mom: Ah, hell! Surprise me!

(I know this is more lucdity than your mom is showing right now, but MONTHS before this, Mom spent the night at my house and at 3:00 am screamed for me. I ran to her room and she held up her blanket and said, "They want to talk to you." So, at this stage, things change.)


Oh...and think of any questions you might want to ask, in the event she is able to answer a few.
 
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My sister arranged a Skype call at Mom’s bedside this afternoon. My brothers were on it, and so was I. All four of us were there to talk to her. She was unresponsive. My sister tried multiple times to wake her.

I asked my sister to check with the nurse about when was the last time Mom had been given medication and what. She’d been given morphine about 20 minutes before we started the call. We’re going to try again tomorrow just BEFORE she’s medicated.

And she’s got a fever - probably a UTI.
 
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@DianaCox I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope that your mom is comfortable. My heart goes out to you, Rachel and your brothers. I wish I could give you a huge hug.
 
We had a call today - she was a little more lucid. Which is to say, we could get her to repeat phrases like "Mom, say hi to Ian" and she'd say "Hi Ian" - but she did not initiate any conversation and would not open her eyes to see us on the laptop screen. My brothers and I kinda cried through most of it. But we had a convo with the NP, who said they were trying to work out a drug regimen that wasn't so sedating, although she is very anxious when she isn't drugged and is alone - she screams for help disturbing the whole floor. But the fever is gone (may have been dehydration, because they gave her IV fluids yesterday and now she's better), and she ate 75% of her dinner tonight, so her swallowing issue may be intermittent.
23472819_10155175392136173_8184833236682364241_n.jpg
 
I'm so sorry you are going through this, but glad she is feeling a bit better - that the fever is down and she can swallow for now. Hope they can give her something lighter like Zoloft that takes the edge off, but lets her be more present in the moment. Seems like she is on something powerful - Liam was recently on a post-surgical cocktail of Haldol, Versed and Ativan intended to immobilize in lieu of physical restraints and what you describe where eyes-closed, she repeats greetings as instructed, but doesn't initiate conversation, parallels that extreme degree of sedation.

The web image is great - a lovely moment preserved. I especially like your expression!
 
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They stopped the IV on Tuesday. She hasn’t had any fluids other than mouth moisteners for over two days. Rachael Skyped with me from her room this afternoon - her breathing was becoming labored but she was completely non-responsive. She’s being given pain meds that are absorbed through the oral mucosa. If she hasn’t already passed, it surely will happen sometime today.

I’m mostly cried out. I just want her to be at peace.
 
My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this must be I pray that your Mother is kept comfortable and pain free as she transitions and you and your family find comfort in knowing that she was cared for with love.



MsVee
 
DianaCox said:
They stopped the IV on Tuesday. She hasn’t had any fluids other than mouth moisteners for over two days. Rachael Skyped with me from her room this afternoon - her breathing was becoming labored but she was completely non-responsive. She’s being given pain meds that are absorbed through the oral mucosa. If she hasn’t already passed, it surely will happen sometime today.

I’m mostly cried out. I just want her to be at peace.
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I feel for you, Diana. This waiting is very hard .
 

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