I'm now 4 months post op. I was scared to all get out before surgery. I think it's normal for us to have doubts. I did consider cancelling, but like
@galaxygrrl I had lost and regained the same 100 lbs multiple times and the regains always came with MORE weight. I looked at my family history: my sister had RnY in 2001 after getting to nearly 500lbs. My father suffered weight-related diabetes. There's coronary artery disease on my mother's side of the family. My father's side of the family includes a number of MOB people and the related diseases that come with being MOB.
Pre-op, I was still relatively healthy. I didn't have many of the co-morbidities that are common with being MOB yet. However, I did have a chronic foot injury (that will require surgery eventually), I did have terrible stress on my bones that caused extreme pain in my hips, I did have near constant breathlessness from the strain of lugging my fat around.
I was at my heaviest when I started my pre-op medically supervised diet (298 lbs) and like
@DianaCox mentioned, I too was dealing with embarrassment. The year before I decided to pursue surgery, I was fat-shamed by a man I was dating DURING sex. He continued fat-shaming me thereafter. Of course, I stopped seeing him, but the damage was done. After I started my pre-op 6 month diet, I was singled out and shamed on an airplane by a complete asshole flight attendant because I needed a seatbelt extender. I'm an academic and researcher by profession, but I started doing things that were out of character, such as bowing out of conferences or cancelling my commitments to attend professional events, always at the last minute, because I feared not being able to fit into the always crappy narrow chairs that are standard issue at these events. I would feel relief to find armless chairs if I had to sit during meetings, or in doctor's offices, or in the airport terminal, or in any number of other locations where you're meant to sit. And, I became increasingly aware and skeptical of the strength of chair legs. I lived in terror of the mortification of breaking a chair in front of someone (thankful that never happened). I stopped doing things like going to movies, going out to dinner with friends (shame of eating), and doing fun things with my daughter, like going to theme parks or even the county fair, was out of the question.
My current boyfriend proved to be a great support system the night before surgery when I had a bit of a panic attack. He just held me and told me he loved me no matter what decision I made. It was reaffirming to hear him tell me that he loved me regardless of my weight. When I started to panic just before surgery, I looked at my life and thought to myself "I am already dead. I'm killing myself with this weight. This is no way to live."
So, my advice is that you look at your life and decide whether surgery is worth the risk--whether YOU are worth taking the leap into a new life.
At 4 months post op and 71 lbs lighter, I feel great. I'm grateful every day that I took the leap.
