Stress should make you thin right?

[kirmy]

Yeh...not so much. I know I've been living on a steady diet of coffee and cheese twisties ( corn crisp things...don't ask) but that doesn't explain the fact that my appetite has failed me. By failed I mean it has failed to go away. My close proximity to Asian food isn't helping either. I haven't weighted myself nor am I going to.

Today is Dad's funeral. I feel like I've got Stokholm syndrome. My mother and sister are driving me batshit crazy with their colourful spectrum of disorders. Meanwhile I have utterly failed to grieve. I should be crying right? Not so much. I hate that I can't just pull the bandaid off but there it is. The mind is a complex and interesting thing.

My mother appears to be sliding closer to actual dementia than ever before. Her behaviour flies between totally inappropriate anger and passivity. I had to step in three days ago when she attacked one of her friends daughters. The poor girl is a young 17 and was telling Mum her boyfriend is trying to get his licence for an automatic car. Mum became weirdly incensed and stood yelling and pointing into this girls face about how stupid he boyfriend was and how much of a moron he would be not to learn how to drive a manual. I stepping into the room and stopped the conversation explaining that "your tone of voice and behaviour are aggressive and abusive and you are scaring the wee lass". Mum seemed shocked as if waking up from sleep walking. She has also lost all filters telling people they are disgusting or that they look terrible. It is as if a spoilt 8 year old,is on the loose in an adults body.

I guess I'm shocked at suddenly how old she is. I can see her mental acuity is failing and her body is weak and frail. How much is grief and how much is organic? I guess only time will tell. Meanwhile I am not sleeping and we live in an explosive environment.

Maybe grief is tiredness. Maybe this crushing exhaustion is it? I don't know...I'm just needing relief from it all and none will come.

More coffee...

 

[Barb1]

I'm sorry you are going through all this and watching a parent age is not easy. I don't believe however you will be able to find real relief until your home and in David's arms.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

 

[k9ophile]

Sounds to me like you're being so strong that the grief cannot get in. If so, I hope it does when you get home to the safety of David. You need someone who loves you and will focus on you to let it rage. You're too busy taking care of your mum and let her rage in grief and dementia.

 

[Munchkin]

Your best is always good enough. Just be strong and survive it.

 

[southernlady]

(((((((Kirmy))))))), not everyone cries when they grieve. Or cries right at first. Your body is still in shock from the news and will probably need to safety of home and David to let go.

Yeah, my daddy lost his filter as he got older and the dementia got worse...he tended to act like a spoiled 5 year old. Your mom sounds like that...and her grief isn't helping. She has lost her partner of how many years? Not an easy thing to do.

Just get thru the next few days, remember you have lots of people hugging you in spirit and get home to David as soon as you can. Let him and the doggies help you in moving forward.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I am so sorry about your Mom - you need a LOT more time just for dealing with your grief

 

[DianaCox]

Grief will come in its own time - there's no point to trying to find it.

You are there to reconnect with your live family - your father will be exactly as with you when you go home (and are safe) as he is there - it can wait. Your assignment today is to talk to the LIVE people from home, family and friends, say the things you need to say, do the things you need to do, with the LIVE ones. Including dealing with the fact that this is probably as lucid as your mom is ever going to be with you again, at least in person - and that she is dealing with a loss that is every bit as huge as yours, so this is not her best moment in any case.

Loss of social filters is a tough one. Worse is that it is NOT them letting their true feelings out when they unleash - it is often irrational anger about something else entirely, but aimed at the wrong object, leading to exaggeration and hurt feelings. I know you know that, of course. But it's hard to absorb.

Beyond that, you have my hugs and warm thoughts - and Charles' too.

 

[Elizabeth N.]

Aw honey, you're in survival mode. The feelings tend to go away when you're busy protecting yourself....At least that's how it works for me. When your inner child is convinced that you're safe again, you'll have the space to grieve outwardly.

Don't fret about the food. Just eat more MEAT so you're getting the protein, and remember, your DS will be there to help you when you're able to focus your food choices once again.

 

[jillc]

Grief will come. When my brother passed away, I was so busy being strong for my mom that full grief didn't hit me for a year, until she was a bit better. There isn't one model of grief, we all do it differently. Just try to take care of yourself. Sorry about your mother, that must make everything all the more stressful.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Yeh...not so much. I know I've been living on a steady diet of coffee and cheese twisties ( corn crisp things...don't ask) but that doesn't explain the fact that my appetite has failed me. By failed I mean it has failed to go away. My close proximity to Asian food isn't helping either. I haven't weighted myself nor am I going to.

Today is Dad's funeral. I feel like I've got Stokholm syndrome. My mother and sister are driving me batshit crazy with their colourful spectrum of disorders. Meanwhile I have utterly failed to grieve. I should be crying right? Not so much. I hate that I can't just pull the bandaid off but there it is. The mind is a complex and interesting thing.

My mother appears to be sliding closer to actual dementia than ever before. Her behaviour flies between totally inappropriate anger and passivity. I had to step in three days ago when she attacked one of her friends daughters. The poor girl is a young 17 and was telling Mum her boyfriend is trying to get his licence for an automatic car. Mum became weirdly incensed and stood yelling and pointing into this girls face about how stupid he boyfriend was and how much of a moron he would be not to learn how to drive a manual. I stepping into the room and stopped the conversation explaining that "your tone of voice and behaviour are aggressive and abusive and you are scaring the wee lass". Mum seemed shocked as if waking up from sleep walking. She has also lost all filters telling people they are disgusting or that they look terrible. It is as if a spoilt 8 year old,is on the loose in an adults body.

I guess I'm shocked at suddenly how old she is. I can see her mental acuity is failing and her body is weak and frail. How much is grief and how much is organic? I guess only time will tell. Meanwhile I am not sleeping and we live in an explosive environment.

Maybe grief is tiredness. Maybe this crushing exhaustion is it? I don't know...I'm just needing relief from it all and none will come.

More coffee...

"Meanwhile I have utterly failed to grieve. I should be crying right?"

1--Grieving often includes a period of "numbness."
2--There is no rule about crying to express grief.
3--You probably do not consider your current environment a safe place to "let it all out," and are just waiting until you are in a place away from the crazy.
4--The funeral may be an environment that feels safer...or not.

I'm going to email you a couple of photos.

 

[Larra]

I think Jill has the right of it. You are the "strong one" in this dysfunctional family. That is your role. As long as you are there with your worsening mother and the other less than functional family members, you are the one who will continue the effort to keep everyone else in line and get the family through these difficult first few days.
My guess is that the grief will hit you as soon as you get on the plane for the long trip home.
Meanwhile, hugs and sympathy to you, and remember that you are not responsible for your mother's dementia and its effects on others, or the other crazies in your family. You did not make them the way they are and you can't fix them.