Losing weight is scaring the hell out of me

[duh_Mom]

Hi all, I wanted to share with you some thoughts and feelings that I have had coming up. I have shared before that I have had therapy for eating disorder for years. I am currently in therapy and been working with this therapist for a couple years before I decided to have the revision from lapland.

Well recently, I had a 5 pound weight loss week followed by 1.5 pound week - it scared me to death. I can't tell you why but damn it. For years the 200 pound mark has always been a big mile stone. so, still not sure what the hell the thing is.

Recent conversations with the therapist I am discovering that the weight i am now is about what I weighed after I was pregnant at 15. I am a survivor of abuse and that is all I'll say about it.

you would think by the time you are in your late 50s this shit would be done. I know, I have lost weight before, I have been under 200 - 2 times in my adulthood but something would trigger me and I would put it all back on. Once was even a conscious decision - I saw a picture and thought I looked awful.

so, I am hard a work at it because, I am going to get under 200 this time and stay there.

 

[Charris]

Maybe you feel safe over 200 that no one will be able to victimize you.

I believe in you. Not only will you go under 200 but will maintain also

 

[Clematis]

@Charris has nailed it. In general, obesity makes one invisible and that in itself is a good defense. Adding to that, as a victim of sexual abuse, you may feel being obese won't attract sexual attention. But sexual predation has little to do with attractiveness or sex, for that matter. It's about power. And think how powerful you will feel when you are at a heathy weight and have the energy to kick the every loving' shit out of someone threatening you and still have stamina left to run away.

 

[DSRIGGS]

Mom, I am so sorry to hear about this terrible thing you have had to deal with and my thoughts are with you.

Regarding the weight, you will continue to lose and will go below 200. That will happen. Hopefully you and the therapist can work through this and you can enjoy the new you.

My best wishes to you with handling your fears.

 

[Larra]

I don't have any brilliant advice for you, just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you went through as a child, and for the struggles you are experiencing now. I hope the therapy will help you find your way through this. You deserve both physical and emotional health.

 

[k9ophile]

Fat is a great deterrent. It keeps people away; at least most of them most of the time. I'm glad to hear you're in therapy. It will help you accept your changing body. As for being in your 50's and still dealing with "this shit", the scars run deep and never really go away, they just don't rule your life as much as they used to. Or at least that's my experience and I'm in my 60's.

 

[newanatomy]

I am sorry you are fighting demons. Keep fighting along with the help of your therapist, you'll get there.

 

[southernlady]

Fighting demons can be a lifelong effort. But knowing your demons helps you fight them. I am sorry for your demon.

And if the scale weight is scaring you, stay off the scale and use other methods to track your progress, like measurements, NSV's, health improvements, etc.

 

[Munchkin]

Everyone is work in progress. All you can do is keep on working!

 

[Settledownnow]

I am going to give you tough love because I have been there too and forced myself to gain weight. Losing weight is an emotional roller coaster ride because people treat you differently even though you are the same person inside. Instead of focusing on the anxiety and thinking your body is out of control, focus on the fact that you now have a very strong body, and as an adult you are able to cope with whatever comes your way. Why not use this new strong and healthy body to learn self-defense, karate, and/or work out with weights? Your body is an awesome machine and deserves respect, and you deserve to live the life you really want. You were a victim once, but not now. You do not have to become fat in order to protect yourself. You are both mentally and physically strong and able to cope with whatever comes your way. You do not need to carry that extra weight around to be safe. You have everything you need to protect yourself and live the life you want to live.

 

[Settledownnow]

Another idea might be to stay off the scale if it is causing you anxiety. Measure your success by how much protein you are eating, your water intake, being able to walk further, cross your legs, bend down to tie your shoes, or some other way that lets you know you are getting more fit and healthy.

 

[duh_Mom]

thank you so much to all who replied. Fighting demons - I like it. The demon is what I actually call the eating disorder so it fits. @Settledownnow, I like what you are suggesting about taking a self defense course or working out with weights. I don't see any tough love in there - I agree with everything you say. Maybe it is only tough love if I disagree.

I also like what you are all saying too, about staying off the scale. I think I will decrease it to a monthly check in and look for the NSV each week till I get past this hurdle. I know I will get past it and I know I will heal. I have always said before that the obesity was a protection mechanism for me, but honestly, this is the first time I have ever felt it. I was in my head before, this time it is from my gut - pun intended.

 

[Elizabeth N.]

I did a LOT of work in therapy about that sense of losing my "mantle of protection," so oh boy do I hear you. Same reasons, too. One of the things that helped was working to reframe the weight loss as "getting stronger/more powerful." Perhaps the self defense training might be one way of helping you do something similar for your thinking?

 

[duh_Mom]

Thanks @Elizabeth N. , I like that getting stronger/ more powerful. Thanks for the response! I will use that.

 

[JackieOnLine]

some great replies, here and

Everyone is work in progress. All you can do is keep on working!

this is what I wanted to say.

I also have Binge Eating Disorder and the bastard is BACK after taking a vacation post WLS.

love the idea of working out as a way to get (more) powerful rather than "smaller"! reminds me of the story about Parkinson's patients learning boxing that was on CBS last Sunday morning, anyone see that? Leslie Stahl interviewed her husband, among others, as he has the disease.

therapists have long known exercise can help with Parkinsons but there is something about strapping on those giant gloves, apparently

watch here