Is it ME, MY KID or our GENERATIONS?? Aargh!

[Spiky Bugger]

First, remember that I am old. First wave of the Baby Boom. Born January 1947 at about the HIGHEST PEAK EVER of the US birthrate. MiniSue was born IN THE MID 1970s, at the point of the LOWEST US birthrate until the very late 1990s. We are from very different worlds and I have been out of the business world for fifteen years.


The issue...
last night, I again asked what I could get her BF's daughter for xmas. I finally got answers. We decided that for a Santa gift, MiniSue should use a credit card of ours that she keeps for emergencies to buy a LeapFrog thingy, but that we could get the little one, from us, the dumb little FurReal Friends puppy she told us (on the phone last night) that she wanted. I also had to give her (the four-year-old, not my daughter) the bad news, that you can't keep a REAL UNICORN at your house, because they lose their magic and their glitter and it would make them sad.

We said good-bye...I went online and found the dog. By ordering a stuffed animal unicorn and some stupid Frozen garbage, shipping was free. I didn't want daughter and BF out trying to find, and hide, a stuffed animal unicorn, with the kiddo in tow, so I texted her that we had ordered the unicorn as well as the dog. Then I repeated that info in an email, telling her that I'd get her the tracking info as soon as I got it.

No response.

This morning, daughter texted me asking for my sister's address. I sent it to her.

No response.

So...is my asking for an acknowledgement REALLY too demanding? I mean...if she asks for an address and
I respond, should she, by today's standards, "owe" me a "thx," or "ok," or a "got it?" I think she should respond, not just if she asks me for something, but also to let me know she got what I sent in general. Anything would do, so that I don't wonder if she got it.

Generally speaking, she IS polite. We taught her good manners...she has to use diplomacy a lot in her line of work (it often involves fund raising...can't be rude there.)

Do I not understand how 40-year-olds communicate, or is she just being inconsiderate because we'll always love her no matter what?

I don't understand.

 

[southernlady]

Not just the 40 year old group...I KNOW I raised my daughter to thank people...but she doesn't...right now she will claim it's because she is so busy with work and her 2 1/2 year old but a SIMPLE thanks texted would be nice. (She's 27).

I was at the middle (kinda) of the baby boomers, dh squeaked in at the very end.

 

[DianaCox]

It's them, not us. It was like pulling teeth to get my daughter to acknowledge that she and her b/f would be joining us for two days of our planned 5 day stay in Monterey for Xmas - and we're probably going to be paying for the site, because it's expensive. And we need to plan food and activities, not knowing if the were coming - and my son, who doesn't have a car, and who has to work on Saturday night, needs to be back before we plan to return, so HIS Xmas depended on them deciding. Sheesh. They just let me know this morning - now I have to see if there is space available at the RV resort. With two sites next to each other.

 

[jillc]

Weighing in here - I'm 45 and I hate non-responses - I always respond to texts with, at the very least an 'ok' or 'thanks'. I feel it is bad manners not too (my nephew, 19 always leaves me hanging without an acknowledgement and it drives me CRAZY!!)
I thank people all the time - probably too much but it's in my nature. So I don't think it's all of my generation.

 

[southernlady]

Good example of this was Thanksgiving and we opted out after the "mutual" texts.
Dh texted both daughters: Are y'all planning on Thanksgiving at Granny's (his mom).
Got this back from elder daughter, "Well we were gonna fix it but eat over at her house"
Younger daughter texted back about the same time "We just assumed that K & C and granny would just go to his parents for Thanksgiving.

It was at that point, I said not no but HELL NO!
And no more texts until dh texted and said we'd just stay here...no reponse...so who knows how it sorted itself out.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I don't understand either, Sue. seems to me it would the least she could do is text back. and the other examples seem rude to me, too.

 

[newanatomy]

How about my son, he will call only when he wants something. He is married and almost 28. He will ring my phone, I say hello? He says "Hi". I ask, "How are you?". "Fine, you?" I wait . . . nothing! I finally have to ask, "why did you call?". He drives me nuts. If I call someone, I get to the fu---- point!

 

[Sheanie]

It's all in how you deal with them. I trained my sons to open doors for people this way: When they were old enough to open doors, I would walk up to one and just stand there. They would soon get the hint and open it, and try to walk through FIRST. That was my cue to walk past them and say "thank you". I never told them to open doors. I did it with body language.

I would tolerate ONE non-response to a request for information. Then I would not respond to the next request. Wait for a phone call, then say "I never received acknowledgment the last time I emailed you, so I'm not doing THAT again".

My kids were trained that they could not play with gifts or spend gift money until a Thank You Note was mailed. I confiscated it until the notes were written, stamped and mailed. They write notes as a result.

Now if I could only get my 23 year old son to improve his grooming, I'd be all set. He's been given several manicure sets and still cannot get it done.

 

[k9ophile]

It's all in how you deal with them. I trained my sons to open doors for people this way: When they were old enough to open doors, I would walk up to one and just stand there. They would soon get the hint and open it, and try to walk through FIRST. That was my cue to walk past them and say "thank you". I never told them to open doors. I did it with body language.

And I appreciate all the parents who have taught their children such manners. I always thank them to help reinforce that manners do matter. Sadly, I spend more time muttering under my breath about the numerous rude ones. I saved every thank you note from my nieces and nephews for their birthdays and other gifting occasions. It is a very small collection. It's not that my sister and in-laws didn't teach them, it's more like they didn't endlessly hound them Mom did to us.

 

[Sheanie]

@k9ophile , I do not send another gift to a niece or nephew who does not send a Thank You Note. One cousin's kid didn't send a note of thanks, so I wrote his mother, who informed me they don't write Thank You Notes. I ignored their next two kids' graduation announcements and didn't send gifts. My god daughter always writes me a note, always. Because she's heard my discussions with her mother, and I have a reputation. I give the most excellent gifts. Handmade quilts and cash. Quilts only to ones who request them, because I don't waste my time.

It's not hard to raise good kids. It just takes a backbone. You can't be their "friend". Funny thing is, I've ended up being my kids' confidants anyway. Even in this teensy temporary duplex, our kids have come home several times now. 5 people, 2 bedrooms, almost no room to do anything, and we all crowd in here. Very odd.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

The local Rotary sent our daughter's junior high GATE class to Sacramento, the state capitol. Later, the kids were invited to lunch with the Rotary and were to give little speeches thanking them for the trip and sharing what they had learned.

So, eight-seat round tables, four kids and four adults at each table. Kids got served first and three of the four decided to dive in. MiniSue sat there. A classmate asked what was wrong. She said that nothing was wrong, but she preferred to wait a bit so that everyone could eat at the same time. The other three stopped eating, the adults told them to go ahead. The other three watched MiniSue who continued waiting patiently until the entire table was served. So they all waited. When they were all served, they ate lunch. (One of the kids needed help learning to cut the meat with a knufe and fork.). One of the adults, the Superintendent of Schools, at the table whispered to her, "Uhmmm...is your mom's name Sue?" MiniSue answered in the affirmative. Later he said to her, "Tell your mother that she has done a great job and that you are now at the top of my list for when I need a student representative to outside groups!"

So I KNOW she knows. Since I bitched about this, I have been getting acknowledgments...let's see how long it lasts...lol

 

[Whit]

To me there is a definite reduction in manners and civility. Digital communication has taken us further way from face to face communication. Human contact. Even a friendly phone call to check in has become a text. Now I do like to ability to track down someone at any given time. Send a text and get a responce. Quite, unobtrusive, and convienent. Heck sometimes I just do not want to talk on the phone but will respond to a text. However receiving a heart imojicon (or however you spell it) will never be the same as hearing I Love You.

 

[hilary1617]

It is my habit to hand write thank yous for gifts (and invitations) except when I am actively trying to discourage inappropriate gift-giving. Sometimes, when I am pressed for time or ill, I will provide thanks verbally instead of in writing.

I call my parents at least weekly, more frequently if there is something they are going through that is difficult or they have sent a gift.

I have text capability disabled on my mobile phone. I am reachable only via e-mail, phone call / voice mail or post, all of which receive a response within 24 hours.

Yesterday was Hannah's 8th birthday party. Two children dove in and ate their desserts while others were being served and before we had an opportunity to light the candles on Hannah's cupcake and sang "Happy Birthday". They were admonished by their peers, which pleased me. I wasn't surprised that they demonstrated an absence of basic etiquette because, earlier in the party those same two children wrote/drew something highly offensive on a birthday banner they were supposed to be coloring. Manners and basic courtesy are founded on respect for others, which clearly these girls lack.

I am worried about their generation due to a lack parenting effort in my generation. When I cut off the section of the banner with the incredibly inappropriate (hateful, homophobic, prurient, graphic) "artwork" and comments made by the girls and handed it to their mother, she laughed it off and told me "They do stuff like that all the time." Ugh!

 

[Sheanie]

@hilary1617 , "they do stuff like that all the time". Did you give her your best Church Lady Stare? They are 8. They learn that from their parents or siblings.

Keep up the good work. Every instance like that is a teaching moment.

 

[k9ophile]

@Sheanie I did the same. Seriously. My mom was brutal. I had dated a boy in high school who truly was a creep. He was a friend of my sister's boyfriend and she was insistent that I go out with him lest her boyfriend break up with her. After a few very unpleasant dates, I decided that was her problem. Fast forward to my graduation and Creep sent me flowers. My mom said I had to thank him. I argued that if I did, he'd think I wanted to get back with him. She said if he did, deal with that but "You are going to thank him." So I did and he called to ask me out. I declined his request, yet I learned a lesson.

Fast forward again to a gathering/reception at my mom's house for family & friends to meet my husband after we eloped. She told me she did not want to ask my Aunt Jeannette, whom I adored, due to a nasty incident between them. I insisted she be asked, as she was my aunt. It would be her choice not to attend, yet I wanted to make sure we id the right thing. She didn't come but I still feel glad about asking her.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

It is my habit to hand write thank yous for gifts (and invitations) except when I am actively trying to discourage inappropriate gift-giving. Sometimes, when I am pressed for time or ill, I will provide thanks verbally instead of in writing.

I call my parents at least weekly, more frequently if there is something they are going through that is difficult or they have sent a gift.

I have text capability disabled on my mobile phone. I am reachable only via e-mail, phone call / voice mail or post, all of which receive a response within 24 hours.

Yesterday was Hannah's 8th birthday party. Two children dove in and ate their desserts while others were being served and before we had an opportunity to light the candles on Hannah's cupcake and sang "Happy Birthday". They were admonished by their peers, which pleased me. I wasn't surprised that they demonstrated an absence of basic etiquette because, earlier in the party those same two children wrote/drew something highly offensive on a birthday banner they were supposed to be coloring. Manners and basic courtesy are founded on respect for others, which clearly these girls lack.

I am worried about their generation due to a lack parenting effort in my generation. When I cut off the section of the banner with the incredibly inappropriate (hateful, homophobic, prurient, graphic) "artwork" and comments made by the girls and handed it to their mother, she laughed it off and told me "They do stuff like that all the time." Ugh!

Wow...just wow.

I think I might have said, "Gee, I hope others who are as offended as I am don't react in a way those girls are not prepared to deal with." Or some other not-quite-threatening comment.