I'm on a diet...and I never dreamed it would come to this.

[kirmy]

So I’m on a diet.

Some of you might remember my smug arse posts when I could eat ANYTHING…including WW2 Jeeps with no weight gain. “Oh my God I’m so skinny I may die…but I’ll die in nice clothes”…posts. What a fucking arsehole! I’d like to kick skinny Kirmy in the box. Really!

Anyway here is how it’s gone. My head is utterly mashed with fear of getting fat. I have a mental mother who became anorexic when I lost my weight due to her fear of me outdoing her. I have always battled compulsive eating disorders and really very fucking disordered eating behaviours. I was secretly happy I was so skinny people worried about me (and I was eating like a machine and still getting skinny). I intellectually realised that this was skirting along the edge of an eating disorder and gave myself an upper cut psychologically. I pushed myself to look at this head on rather than continue this juggernaut of doom. Houston we have a problem.

It was 3.5 years of sustained weight loss culminating in my Bangladeshi BMI (I kid you not…BBC website confirmed it) and it was literally effortless. I ate M&M peanuts like they were going out of season. I maintained my 134lbs weight without any effort on my 5ft 7 inch frame. I also struggled like mad to keep any muscle mass at all. My arse….well….it’s a Concentration Camp arse. Terrible….. My broad shoulders had a scrawny turkey neck on them and my face sported Marionette lines and peach fuzz. I knew what I was seeing…someone underweight.

It’s 5 years in January 2015 since my DS. I mark this time because I’ll be able to buy life insurance. I also mark this time by realising that my size 6-8 frame has remained sort of the same. When I say sort of it have regained a stone in weight but I still mostly squish into my clothes. I look better than my concentration camp look and intellectually I know this is ideal. Here is the rub…I want to weigh 134lbs again. My inner bitch voice tells me that this is the number of success. I know this is stupid beyond measure and a dangerous way to think but there it is…my inner anorexic trying to audition for the driver’s seat. She is an arsehole.

So when the going gets tough the disordered get eating. I have been acting against evil inner bitch voice and have been eating carbs like a one woman ozone reducing machine. I’ve been physically ill during this period of feast and feast. I’ve shit myself, I’ve go piles that would impress a carpet salesman, I’ve so rearranged my guy bacteria that I look like an ad for Food Aid even when I eat to plan. I’ve been shambolic. When you’re this broken how do you fix it?

My friend joined Scottish Slimmers in order to lose weight (she’s about the same starting size as me….I know tried to talk her into the DS) and to support her I went along too. It was here I discovered they had a Boost plan which is essentially the Atkins diet. I read the information booklet and realised it was exactly how I eat when I’m not being a total dickhead. After a bit of internal dialogue with the inner bitch I decided to join up and press gang myself into compliance. Well bugger me (gingerly my piles are still there) but it works.

I’ve not almost died in a shit storm in over a week. It actually got so bad that I farted while Linus was sitting in my lap and Mrytle charged him and bit him thinking he was snarling to attack me. Now every time I fart he runs away and hides. The poor little bugger….all because of my bum. It’s bad when your dog’s blame you for farting.

So here I am. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to attain. I don’t want to be sick or screwed up or chasing an impossible ideal. I knew bounce back was coming but I just didn’t realise how devastating it could potentially be to someone whose brain is wired to self-harm with food. I’m actually slim. I look good. I barely made the cut to join the class because my BMI was normal. It took explaining for them to realise I’m yearning for structure and compliance. So far so good. I suppose I’m on a diet. Never thought I’d find myself back here.

When will I approve of me? Is this the woman human condition or am I battle weary and screwed up? I know my size 8 Jeans are tight on my hips and my thighs...I wish they weren't but will that launch a 1000 eating disorders? The inner bitch wants them to fall off by the normal me thinks she should go boil her heid.

 

[huneypie]

Good post @kirmy you've got me pondering about doing Slimming World but with high, as their red days (ie protein) correspond OK to Atkins.

 

[kirmy]

Do you need to? You've always struck me as compliant. What is your motivation?

 

[huneypie]

Bounce back and evil carbs. I could do with losing a stone. I think the accountability would do me good. As a 2 parter my honeymoon didn't last as long as yours.

I need structure and while posting what I eat helps, I think the day has finally come when I have to count carbs.

 

[kirmy]

Yeh I hear you sister. Give it a shot and let me kno your thoughts on th mtter after the first week.
I feel a bit like a turn coat. Didn't we get hre so we never had to diet again? Dunno fr me its about behaviour modification and on some level I need the stick.

 

[kirmy]

bloody sticky keyboard!

 

[kirstabelle]

Whilst I didn't ever get down to 'normal BMI' I stayed the same weight for 7 years post DS eating what I wanted and without gaining a pound. Yeah - that didn't last.
Now working hard to sort my head out in therapy since that is the route of my problem entirely.
I'm intrigued by your comment about life insurance. I got a mortgage in my first year post op and had to get life insurance which was more expensive due to surgery but easily obtainable???

 

[southernlady]

Kirmy, good post.

 

[huneypie]

Yeh I hear you sister. Give it a shot and let me kno your thoughts on th mtter after the first week.
I feel a bit like a turn coat. Didn't we get hre so we never had to diet again? Dunno fr me its about behaviour modification and on some level I need the stick.

I know what you mean about turncoat, but I think it'll just be a more structured form of low carbing. Standing on a set of scales in front of people will help the accountability no end in my opinion. I'm hoping we'll lose more quickly too.

 

[kirmy]

Whilst I didn't ever get down to 'normal BMI' I stayed the same weight for 7 years post DS eating what I wanted and without gaining a pound. Yeah - that didn't last.
Now working hard to sort my head out in therapy since that is the route of my problem entirely.
I'm intrigued by your comment about life insurance. I got a mortgage in my first year post op and had to get life insurance which was more expensive due to surgery but easily obtainable???

I was quoted £500 a mont for life insurane post op. This is utterlyout othe ball prk for me on every level. After 5 years there is no requirement for me to declare tis so I'm able to pay normal person premiums which are around £90 a mont fr comprehensive cover. Biiiiig difference!

I'm trying to sort my head out. I have a conversation with myself that goes like this: "will eating this hurt me" ...if it's a yes I'll walk away quickly and if it's a no then it's open season. I haven't stunk the sick bay out or woken up to the smell of death for three nights so far. I don't feel as if I'm going or burst either butI'm still bloatin which may require a trip down metronidazole alley. I did this to myself.

 

[kirmy]

Kirmy, good post.

cheers. x

 

[kirmy]

I know what you mean about turncoat, but I think it'll just be a more structured form of low carbing. Standing on a set of scales in front of people will help the accountability no end in my opinion. I'm hoping we'll lose more quickly too.

Yes this is part of motivation. I am trying to keep the weightloss part of it out of th frame but it is always at the back of my head.

 

[brooklyngirl]

I have always had some sort of disordered eating, I feel like I'll have to find ways to keep accountable for my eating for the rest of my life. Sort of like an alcoholic needing to continue attending AA meetings long after they've "beat" their addiction. I don't think I should ever be allowed to eat whatever I want because that always starts a slippery slope for me and even though things are different now, it's still in me to be that uncontrollable eating machine.

 

[kirmy]

I have always had some sort of disordered eating, I feel like I'll have to find ways to keep accountable for my eating for the rest of my life. Sort of like an alcoholic needing to continue attending AA meetings long after they've "beat" their addiction. I don't think I should ever be allowed to eat whatever I want because that always starts a slippery slope for me and even though things are different now, it's still in me to be that uncontrollable eating machine.

Oh my God yes. I don't want t sound hacknied but once an addictalways an addict!

 

[JackieOnLine]

cheers. x

yes, good post. I fight the disordered eating but in a less dramatic way...ok, I'm dull in fact.

on my VSG honeymoon I went down to 129 and it felt...bizarre. not "normal". apparently normal is chubby.

I have no idea what you should be doing but wish you the best and I love reading your posts - you should write a book. srsly!