I feel like I'm going crazy!

[buffalobillsfan]

Sigh...where to begin...(it's going to be a long one folks)

I had emergency bowel obstruction surgery on October 26th. I was in a ton of pain and didn't advocate for myself for more pain meds. That and the fact that it was completely unexpected threw me into a ton of anxiety. I am also a people pleaser (or better I don't like to inconvenience people) so being off of work for 6 weeks and then on 6 more weeks of restricted duty doesn't help matters. I'm also home alone all day now with my thoughts and that doesn't work for me!

Normally I could be voted "most likely to die at home because I didn't think I was really sick" type of person. However, I'm just the opposite after this surgery. I'm panicked at the thought of having any complications, surgery, illnesses now and in the future. I told my friends this but until I broke down in tears last night no one really understood how traumatic this has been for me. They are surprised to see their strong friend so weak. I sailed thru my DS surgery and recovery better than most.

I don't know if I'm just not grasping how big this surgery was (I had to have a former hernia repair repaired again, I had lots of adhesions and an internal hernia repaired) or if I'm really having a complication. I keep feeling like there is something wrong in my upper abdomen. Even at 25 days out I still can't wear loose pants or high waisted underwear because the pressure hurts my belly. The problem area is just above my incision so it's not even in the surgical area (that area feels completely fine). It's close to where my hernia repair was. I have felt like a sac under the skin. I've had it examined by my PCP and Dr Rabkin and they think I'm just healing still. I adore and trust both of them so why can't I just believe it??? Anytime I haven't followed my intuition or stood up for myself I have regretted it.

I keep questioning if I'm explaining things correctly. I am also having a lot of the symptoms that I had prior to the bowel obstruction minus the same exact pain. Horrible bloating that makes me look 9 months pregnant, gas, diarrhea, stomach noises that are loud and last all day. There is some pain associated with being that bloated but I don't know if it's just because it's pressing on my healing guts. BUT I also had the same thing after my DS. I have been free of those symptoms for a few years now. I'm taking a very good probiotic and eating greek yogurt. I get nervous when this pain happens so then I get nauseous. I don't know if that is psychosomatic or real. I don't want to eat so I force myself and I can't eat much when I do.

It doesn't help that today is the 4 year anniversary of losing my mom who was also my closest friend. I grew up in Buffalo and seeing it on the news from the storms makes me miss my mom more. I watched her die on life support for 4 months (she was conscious the whole time) and had a bed sore the size of a football on her back that you could see her spine. She could only move her head a few inches because of the trach. I was the only person who stayed right by her side all day every day because it was too hard for most people to watch. I don't know how she did it. I am having such admiration for her and others who have real issues. I feel like such a baby.

My good friend and fellow DSer Jenny and I talked yesterday. She is encouraging me to ask for what I need as this is an issue for me. She said that the same things will keep showing up in my life until I address them. I feel like I won't be satisfied until I have another CT Scan to see if there is something wrong. I sent my PCP an email and told him that I can't rest until I have one. Now I have one scheduled for tomorrow. I hope this will show any possible problems (seroma, hernia, obstruction, etc).

After my DS I was unemployed so I didn't have to worry about most things. Now I will be on dispatch alone at Animal Control for 6 weeks beginning December 8th. We can't leave the desk without coverage which can take a few minutes to get, I am VERY VERY paranoid about pooping at work so I usually drive somewhere else to go. I have anxiety picturing myself with my uniform pants unbuttoned, being so bloated I can't lean forward (or pass it), and crapping myself because I can't make it to the bathroom on time Or worse that tomorrow I will find out I need more surgery, time off work, etc. I'm trying to make the most of my time off by doing small projects around the house, catch up on reading and relaxing and connecting with lifelong friends in Buffalo on Facebook. I can at least feel proud that I found my strength and asked for the CT scan right? I know the mind is very powerful so if I get positive results then I can heal. Thank you so much for listening. I cried the whole time I wrote this which helped a bit.
Cathy

 

[Larra]

Cathy, first let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your beloved mother, and for how bravely she suffered through her final illness. Yes that was 4 years ago but you had a special bond with her. It's natural that you would miss her all the more during a time of stress. Your presence at her side and support for her must have meant the world to her.
Hopefully all your symptoms now are just leftovers from your recent obstruction and the major surgery required to fix it. To me, your nervousness now seems very natural. It reminds me of people who have been diagnosed with cancer - every little bump, bruise, ache, pain or pimple becomes a sign of impending doom. In reality it sometimes takes a long time for the intestines to resume their normal level of function. That is probably what you are going through now. I think the stress if knowing you will be stuck at that desk, answering all the phone calls (your least favorite aspect of your job, as I recall), having that looming ahead of you isn't helping. But you are strong and you will get through this and go on with your life. Hey, give me the phone # and I'll crank call about how best to transport the 103 cats I've been hoarding to your facility. What are friends for?

 

[brooklyngirl]

I dealt with similar feelings after the DS. Everything that didn't feel quite right made me panic. I also don't think the severity of the whole thing sunk in until afterward, and I was extremely paranoid about having to go back into the hospital. I felt kinda crazy from lack of sleep as well, how are you sleeping? I also used to have a fear of pooping in public, especially at work where I felt like everyone would know and judge me, like they don't poop? I'm not totally over it, but I'm ok with it now. I carry baby wipes in my bag and a small can of concentrated air freshener that smells amazing, and no one else does that. I flush as I'm going, if need be, so no one can hear either. My biggest problem now, is being able to find someone to stay with the kids in order for me to run if there's an emergency. Sometimes that's a challenge, but I just have to not wait until I'm at the point of it being a REAL EMERGENCY to start trying to find coverage. I hope you're able to work through all this, head stuff is harder than anything else, IMO!

 

[buffalobillsfan]

Cathy, first let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your beloved mother, and for how bravely she suffered through her final illness. Yes that was 4 years ago but you had a special bond with her. It's natural that you would miss her all the more during a time of stress. Your presence at her side and support for her must have meant the world to her.
Hopefully all your symptoms now are just leftovers from your recent obstruction and the major surgery required to fix it. To me, your nervousness now seems very natural. It reminds me of people who have been diagnosed with cancer - every little bump, bruise, ache, pain or pimple becomes a sign of impending doom. In reality it sometimes takes a long time for the intestines to resume their normal level of function. That is probably what you are going through now. I think the stress if knowing you will be stuck at that desk, answering all the phone calls (your least favorite aspect of your job, as I recall), having that looming ahead of you isn't helping. But you are strong and you will get through this and go on with your life. Hey, give me the phone # and I'll crank call about how best to transport the 103 cats I've been hoarding to your facility. What are friends for?

You know it still hurts to laugh right?! 103 cats...that would keep my mind off my issues!
Thank you so much for always being there for me....for us...you are such a comfort. I think now that the world moves so quickly and everything is instant gratification that 25 whole days of healing seems like a lifetime. In reality it isn't that long. I will get thru this and I'll probably be happier once I'm back to work...even on the desk!

 

[buffalobillsfan]

I dealt with similar feelings after the DS. Everything that didn't feel quite right made me panic. I also don't think the severity of the whole thing sunk in until afterward, and I was extremely paranoid about having to go back into the hospital. I felt kinda crazy from lack of sleep as well, how are you sleeping? I also used to have a fear of pooping in public, especially at work where I felt like everyone would know and judge me, like they don't poop? I'm not totally over it, but I'm ok with it now. I carry baby wipes in my bag and a small can of concentrated air freshener that smells amazing, and no one else does that. I flush as I'm going, if need be, so no one can hear either. My biggest problem now, is being able to find someone to stay with the kids in order for me to run if there's an emergency. Sometimes that's a challenge, but I just have to not wait until I'm at the point of it being a REAL EMERGENCY to start trying to find coverage. I hope you're able to work through all this, head stuff is harder than anything else, IMO!

Sleeping isn't too bad. I feel lucky that I can get comfortable. I know this will pass and even just writing about it was cathartic. It feels lonely so it's important to reach out to others. I guess modern technology has some benefits, huh?! Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[robs477]

I really wish I could give you a really big long and slow hug. I'm so sorry to hear that your Mom suffered so much and that you are going through a rough spot right now. I realize that a lot of time you ladies want to just talk to each other and dont need a mans input, so I wont say much else other than to say, it WILL get better and you will heal and get better. In the mean time, take small steps and give yourself big rewards, what ever they may be to make you feel better because you deserve it!

 

[Dawn]

Great job getting the ct scan to either find something or at least put your mind at ease. I get the paranoia I go through it sometimes too, oh a pain in my shoulder it has to be another leak type thing. I totally get it. You will get better you have to allow yourself time, it might look healed on the outside but the inside takes a heck of a lot longer (6-8 weeks). We got your back . Give yourself a big hug, reassure yourself it's okay and a nice warm cup of tea. Hope everything goes well with your scan.

 

[southernlady]

Sorry about your mom...that is a loss we never get over. It does get a bit easier most of the time. Lost my Mother 12 1/2 years ago.

Good luck with the ct scan...it's probably nothing but checking will ease your mind and that is more than worth it. But I understand the feeling of "oh no"...I get that with my jaw.

 

[aaa]

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I think you're doing the right thing. A CT scan will set your mind at ease.

Please let me address the pooping at work: I had this issue. It doesn't affect me much any longer. I found a spray I trust and use it. As I go, I spray. During the entire 'movement'. I don't want you to feel you can't poop at work. It just adds too much anxiety. I use this. You may like it or not. Please try to find something that lets you lose that stress.

 

[Munchkin]

You did what you could do and you are getting the scan. Every time you have surgery it takes time to heal and get comfortable with your new normal!