Going public with your surgery?

[mike727]

I've been debating on whether or not I should post this on my blog and Facebook page. I'd like your thoughts on it and also if you've told everyone you know or not about your surgery? I find myself sometimes saying, "I had my gall bladder out" to some people the last few weeks as I've been recovering because I don't want to explain the whole WLS stuff to them. And technically it is true, because I did get the gall bladder out haha. Anyway, please read and let me know what you think...
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I have had many ups and downs with my weight throughout my life. Sadly, no matter what I tried, I always ended up back where I started or even worse.

After a lifetime of pushing myself to extremes, I finally got real with myself. I knew I could lose weight, I'd done it time and time again. But what I lost faith in was my ability to keep the weight off.

At first, I blamed myself. Where's my willpower? Where's my desire to live and not be fat anymore. Finally, after years of beating myself up and feeling like a failure, I looked more into the science of weight loss.

I reviewed study after study, diving deep looking for what I may have missed. Finally, I found it. Nearly everything I read pointed to the fact that less than 1% of people are able to lose weight and keep it off for more than 5 years.

But, there was an exception. And that exception was weight loss surgery. I didn't want to believe it, but as I looked around all I could see was story after story of people who had lost weight and gained it back. Including myself multiple times.

This led me to ask a difficult question. Why are we doing the same thing over and over again, even though it isn't working? More importantly, why am I??

I was able to convince myself that I could do it "on my own". I just needed to try harder, work out harder, count my calories extra close, weigh everything, go to counseling, obsess daily, bare my soul at meetings, pray and plead to God for help.

And that was how I lived my entire adult life.

Until I discovered the stats and the truth about weight loss surgery. So, after much soul searching, I decided surgery was my most logical option. After reading and watching videos on the different options available to me, I settled on the Duodenal Switch procedure. This surgery is the Platinum standard, and studies show it is the most effective for long term weight loss and health.

I figured if I'm going all in, I might as well go ALL IN. And I did. On December 10, 2015 I said goodbye to fad diets, broken promises, failed weight loss attempts, and the sadness that followed me for 20 years.

I said no to an industry that tells us our goal weight is just a shake, pill or packaged bar away. I said no to beating myself up. I said no to the shame that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve happiness, that I was a failure.

I said no to all these things, when I said YES to my weight loss surgery. This new journey has just begun, but I'm on a whole new path now, one that I've never seen before. One that actually works for the long haul.

 

[newanatomy]

This is such a personal journey. Your post is well thought out and honest. I personally never wanted to keep my WLS a secret. I didn't want to give it extra power. If people comment on my weight loss, I simply say, "I had help" and leave it at that. If anyone ever asks what help, I will tell them. In almost two years, no one has asked. I have been open about my WLS with close friends and family. I am sure the news has gotten around. I just never wanted it to appear as though I was trying to live a lie, as if I dieted and exercised 134 pounds away.

 

[southernlady]

Your post is very informative...and you are honest about why you did this.

But making an announcement isn't necessary. I didn't and I still don't make a big deal about my surgery. But I also don't hide it. I am very open. If people ask, I tell them and then move on to other things. My good friends knew ahead of time so did my family. But other than a few photos on my FB page, no one would really notice that I had the DS.

 

[Munchkin]

I am pretty open about the DS. But I want to choose who to tell so I never made any kind of a public statement. People who actually KNOW me, also know I had surgery. But I didn't want to be defined by the DS either. I didn't want to tell the world.

 

[Marquis Mark]

Agree that there's no need for a formal announcement, but when I'm asked I tell. And I shared it with my family, friends, class, co-workers, etc. I'm not a pedophile so why should I keep it secret? If they want to think it's the easy way out and that I somehow lack character, F--- em. My standard line is something like, "Would you tell a woman giving birth not to take the epidural because that's the easy way out? Occasionally, my 16-year-old son says something almost insightful. When I mentioned that some people think it's the easy way out he scoffed at them and said, "It's a way out. Period." He's right. Weight loss is a full-time job with rare, short lived successes. If Oprah wants to live her life like that, fine. Me? I'm out.

Good luck, Mike, but my hunch is that if you're OK with it, others will be, too. You have nothing to apologize for, hide or be ashamed of. You're just one of millions with a weight problem who found a way out. BFD. And Congratulations.

 

[robs477]

I guess you could say I kind of did a combination of the two as well. I did not lie, BUT, I didn’t tell the entire truth either. Lying by omission, I guess you could call it. The only people that know the entire true story are just my Wife, daughter, and ALL YOU PEOPLE OF COURSE….LOL

What I said was….I had a serious problem with my small intestines that required surgery and they had to shorten the absorption section….period, end of story. NOT a lie, but, not a bunch of details either. Why did I decide to go this route? Because it’s no one’s GD business, BUT more importantly, I refuse to take ownership for having a very serious metabolic disease for 37+ years and take the “Blame” for a medical problem that was not my fault causing my obesity, NOR do I want or deserve the credit by saying that I lost it all through diet and exercise.

It’s a VERY personal decision of course, BUT, I’m almost 1 yr out and very comfortable about the decision I made to go this route. VERY good topic BTW!

 

[k9ophile]

To tell or not to tell is as personal as making the decision about WLS itself. About the time I got my DS there were people wearing t-shirts printed with "Ask me about the best weight loss" blah, blah, blah. Hey, it was their choice, but I wouldn't go that far. I was fairly open about it at the time so I could have a pretense of controlling gossip. (I worked in a small environment where secrets were almost impossible.) Seven years later, it may come up. It depends on who I'm talking to and the context of the conversation. To me it's just a fact of my history of which I'm neither proud or ashamed. Like getting my knee replaced or any other surgery.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I would not make an announcement.

If I am asked, I respond; but generally, my response is tailored to the questioner. If some random BMI-19 person asks, it might be something vague like, "I gave up doing things my way." Or, "I decided to get some expert help. So far, it seems to be workng."

If another MO person (one whom I consider to be good candidate for surgery) asks me, I may give them a short answer like, "I gave up on the 'diet and exercise bit' and followed by saying, "If you want details, email me." Then the ball is in their court.

But here's what will happen with a blanket announcement:
•most will decide you "took the easy way out," and may even say so.
•most will be sure you had "the gastric," not understanding that everyone with a stomach has "a gastric."
•you will be told about how their neighbor's housekeeper's dentist's ex-husband's bail bondsman's surgery failed.
•they will watch you eat and warn you when you eat bacon or ribeye steaks.
•they--especially your loved ones--will drive you CRAZY with "can you eat ____?" questions before every gathering.
•and so on.

Ehhh...don't overshare. If an MO person asks, they may be seeking help. Other than that, I'd save details for those with whom I might discuss my hemorrhoids, my bank balance or my first sexual experience...a truly TEENSY TINY audience.

BY THE WAY...if someone asks you can always respond with, "Why do you ask?" The answer will probably be something like, "Well...you're looking so good!" And you can say, "Thanks...and so are you!"

 

[k9ophile]

Ehhh...don't overshare. If an MO person asks, they may be seeking help. Other than that, I'd save details for those with whom I might discuss my hemorrhoids, my bank balance or my first sexual experience...a truly TEENSY TINY audience.

 

[SJB41976]

@newanatomy I love, love, LOVE that response!!!! It's PERFECT!!!!!!

@mike727 So interesting that you would post this. I have a blog and the last year or so I have expressed a lot of my feelings on there and the freedom I have been experiencing from that through the therapy I have been in. I have described in my blog the history of spiritual abuse growing up. The best way to describe how I grew up was like in a fishbowl. (We went to church, school and most social outings within the church compound) (that sounds like a cult but I promise it wasn't! LOL). It is very therapeutic for me to share this stuff in my blog and be released a lot of shame by sharing some things on there. I have also shared my feelings of shame regarding weight loss and that journey, in the last year. I haven't written in a while because I have been deciding on whether or not to have the DS and I don't want to share that with the world, even though it would be therapeutic. I have written on my blog on OH sporadically, but I am getting ready to write more because it just helps me process feelings.

A lot of my upbringing centered around shame. I have carried that shame for 30 years. And so, I think part of my healing came from sharing and the support that I received from that. I even shared on my blog that I had "medical intervention" regarding weight loss and even failed a that (or felt like I failed). I mean, I was really vague, but it was helpful in my healing. That was so scary for me, sharing that information, but no one has questioned me about it, at all.

That being said, I have been wondering should I go "all out" now that I have decided on the DS. Would it be even more healing to share this whole journey openly? Is it necessary for my healing. I have actually thought of starting an anonymous blog and just putting everything out there. Maybe share it with very few, safe people. I am trying to figure out what is the healthy way to do this as I am a very private person. So I am trying to decide if it is shame keeping me from sharing or is it just my personality and that's OK. Thankfully, I am meeting with my therapist Friday and process this.

I don't think it is necessary to come "all out" regarding bariatric surgery. But if it helps you and makes you feel better and you are an open person and don't mind answering questions about it, then go for it. Just think through how much you are willing to share and why.

Once it's out, it's out.

It's a really hard decision, as I am going through the same thing right now. I think we will make the right decision.

 

[aaa]

Like most have said, it's a tough decision.

I chose to tell no one (other than my immediate family & physicians). I am happy with that decision at almost 11 years later (in large part due to what @Spiky Bugger noted).

 

[Clematis]

Everyone has to come to their own decision on whether to tell the world about their WLS based on what they want to achieve by doing so. What is your goal @mike727 ? Do you want to head any questions off at the pass and control the story? Unburden yourself of a secret? I guess I don;t understand why one would share something this personal.

I have told and will tell no one, other than my husband and my doctor.

For most of my adult life, my body has been considered fair game to be talked about by too many people. I have walked in rooms and heard people whispering to each other about how much weight I've gained -- if not had them say it to my face. I don;t want to replace that with comments about how much weight I've lost accompanied by the dismissal of my achievement with "oh but she just had her stomach stapled." (No one knows what the DS is, so stapling or gastric bypass is what they'll say.) Sure they'll say something about the weight loss but I can manage that.

I have lost 100+# 3x in my life through steely determination but was unable to maintain the loss: once I kept it off for 2 years, the other two times were for 2-3 months. Two months out with the DS, I am losing weight at a rate no faster than I did with diet those three other times, and if one considers that I am actually eating fewer calories now (500-600 is the most I can manage) than I did when I lost weight through dieting (800-1000), I'm losing weight even slower with the DS. So IMO I in no way feel it would be a "lie" to not be forthcoming about having WLS. I think for me, the DS is going to be not so much about losing the weight, but about keeping the weight off. Because family and friends have seen me lose gobs of weight on my own in the past and never asked if I had WLS, no one is going to ask me now.

And even my husband doesn't know about my botox

 

[Spiky Bugger]

...

And even my husband doesn't know about my botox

At one point, I made a flippant remark, to my mom and sister, about getting back to my dermatologist for my botox...and they both laughed because they thought I was kidding.

Hmmm...I guess I had neglected to tell them I had been using botox. Btw...it was for DEEP lines between the brows that made me look angry all the time. I mean, I am sometimes angry. But not ALL THE TIME!

 

[Clematis]

@Spiky Bugger I got botox b/c I was sick of my husband coming in the room, looking at me and snapping, "WHAT??? What did I do now???" to my RBF (resting bitch face).

 

[southernlady]

@Spiky Bugger I got botox b/c I was sick of my husband coming in the room, looking at me and snapping, "WHAT??? What did I do now???" to my RBF (resting bitch face).

My daddy use to do the "why are you always so mad?" Told him I wasn't but was thinking..apparently I also have a RBF.

 

[duh_Mom]

@mike727, as everyone said it is a personal decision. I did not hesitate to tell folks and so far have not had any negative responses others have mentioned. People I work with don't mention my weight loss other than one of the guys on my team who is alway complimentary.

I think people that are rude and make comments are jealous. I have lived in the closet nearly all my life and have finally gotten to the point where I am what I am and fuck all those peeps that have trouble with it.