Frustrated with myself

[SJB41976]

***if you don't want to read my novel I just wrote, skip down to the last paragraph and I think you get what I am asking. LOL!***

So, a little backstory. I had lap band in 2004, when it was newer and touted as the less invasive yet get great results. We all know how that turned out. I ended up not being able to eat if I had a fill and without a fill...well, the weight came back on. I did well, except I couldn't eat and most things came back up or I had to drink liquids all the time.

So, in 2010 I was set on the RNY, I knew I need malabsorption. UNTIL...I met with my doctor who suggested the DS (Dr. Hugh Houston did my fills, I had lap band in Mexico). I cannot remember if he told me about the VSG, or I found it on OH. I honestly can't, but after research, I thought I could have that done and lose the weight and not have malabsorption. *sigh*

So, I travelled to Texas and Dr. David Kim did my sleeve. I did fine until just about a year out. I had lost 70 pounds, but I had no follow up and even though I was still on OH, hindsight, I sabotaged myself into stalling. I stopped losing, and tried desperately to maintain what I lost and lose more for about a year. I had regained about 20 pounds 1 1/2 years out. Started intensive therapy and have learned SO MUCH and can see how I sabotaged myself. How I hated myself into surgery instead of loving every inch and accepting the person that I am and changing to make myself the best person I could be.

Fast forward to not being able to lose weight AT ALL for over a year. I don't overeat but i'm not eating in a way that assists me in losing weight. I basically spent a year getting normal with food. Having a healthy relationship.

I decided to give losing weight on my own another shot. I mean, I have a tool. Why can't I get it to work.?We were on vacation at the beach last week and believe me, it was difficult not to be discouraged that I'm back to being as large as i was when I had the VSG 5 years ago. I was not trying to lose weight on vacation, but when we got back I decided to cut way back and gradually cut back on sugar and carbs. I would need to do that anyway, if I had the DS. Right. More so, actually.

And I'm not giving up on myself by any means because cutting back is what I'm doing, but it's really hard. I'm not expecting perfection. I'm just frustrated that it is THIS. DAMN. HARD.

Why can't I just do this on my own? I know I am going to have to cleanse off of sugar, as it is a major trigger for me, and once that is done it gets easier, but I pretty much have to eat clean, whole grains, if any, or go paleo to really lose weight. And I have done that the past two years and guess what......I have not been able to stick with it or I would already be below 200 pounds (which has been my goal on my own). So.....why do I think this time is going to be any different (stinking thinking, I know). My therapist encourages me to keep going, but she supports me if I decide to have surgery.

I just re-read @DianaCox post on goals and responsibility...again. and was encouraged by this:

3) Some people can't or won't change their eating habits long-term. I myself was so pleased to NOT be dieting and losing weight that my weight loss stopped when I got to 205 at one year out, down from over 290. That was a healthy 205, in normal sized clothes, so I tried not to care. My cravings have changed over time, so now I'm not having as hard a time resisting that which I should not eat, so I have lost another 35 lbs in the last 2.5 years. I could have lost more if I was stricter with myself, but I am happier not dieting than I am at the idea of being under 170. 171-173 is pretty steady right now eating whateverthehell I please. I'm not saying one or the other mind-set is right or wrong, but it is a trade-off that I am responsible for choosing.

I think I am expecting a whole lot of myself (which is typical, I am hardest on myself). But really, how many more times am I going to try this without malabsorption??? I have changed SO MUCH about my eating, but to say I will eat paleo the rest of my life is not going to happen. Even eating low carb the rest of my life isn't going to happen. Please put this in the context that I mean. I am satisfied now with a bite or a sip or a small portion. I don't binge eat anymore 90% of time time (I'm not going to lie and say it isn't a struggle but i have accepted myself and my limitations and pick myself back up and make it a new day). So when I say I'm not going to be low carb the rest of my life, I mean, there will be times, at goal, when I enjoy food off plan. I think I can do that in a healthy manner. Before, not so much.

I don't want to eat whateverthehell I please. I would like, once at my goal, to enjoy some things once in a while, which I think you all have explained at goal, that you do.

So....I am still going to try this, I am not giving up. But the reality is....is it really going to work long term? *sigh*. Am I just fighting an uphill battle when I need malabsorption. I know you can't answer that for me, but maybe you can give some insight. I feel fullness and satisfaction with the VSG, I just can't lose weight without drastically changing how I eat and what I eat. Do that make sense???? And it's hard eating clean or paleo ALL. THE. TIME. I have attempted to do this for 2 years now and I am still back to what I weight the day of surgery. :-/

Thanks for any insight!!!!!!!!!!

 

[SJB41976]

I should also add that I meet with a trainer twice a week and exercise on my own at least one more day a week.... Don't know if that matters or not, but exercise does not help with weight loss for me. It does relieve stress and make me feel good. I am in significant joint pain on my left knee. Both knees have been bothering me since vacation, but we rented bikes in South Carolina and I'm sure they are just sore. But, a constant thing that is with me is joint pain. I can't get away from it, and I take a celebrex every day and have for over a year.

 

[Larra]

Having any kind of bariatric surgery, whether for the first time or as a revision, is a very personal decision. Only you can decide what level of results is acceptable to YOU, and whether or not you can achieve the results you find acceptable with the surgery that you have already had. It's great that you have learned so much about yourself, and that you have the insight to realize that, just like the rest of us, you are not perfect and you aren't going to stick to a perfect diet for the rest of your life.
You already know what results you can expect to maintain with your sleeve. Some people would be very happy with the improvement you have achieved. Others, not so much. You need to continue to be honest with yourself about what it means to you to continue to lose to, or towards, a normal weight, and to stay at that weight. If that is essential to you, then yes, it's time to get serious about malabsorption. On the other hand, if you can find contentment with where you are now, then stay where you are now. but no one else can make that decision for you.

And IMHO, people who have bariatric surgery, or revision surgery, have NOT "given up". We are people who refuse to give up on our goals and our dreams. One of my pet peeves is people who have never experienced our struggles and call bariatric surgery the easy way out. there is nothing easy about it, either physically or emotionally. You deserve a lot of credit for not giving up after your terrible lap band experience, and for not giving up now.

 

[DSRIGGS]

Hon I wish I had magic words for you but unfortunately I just don't. All I can do is relate my personal experience. The DS is the only surgery that I knew would work for me because I frankly enjoy eating too much and I knew the restriction would not be enough for me. I am pretty certain that with the VSG I wouldn't have lost much at all because I can eat so much more than a normal DS'r and I am only 18 months out.

That being said, Larra's comments are spot on. This is a personal decision and I am sure from reading this board you understand what each WLS procedure typically delivers, so only you can decide what you want to do - Stay with your current situation or get the Switch.

I hope you find peace

 

[SJB41976]

Thanks to you both. And I know you can't make the decision for me. I guess my reflection was about getting real with losing this weight without malabsorption. How many times am I going to go down that road? I mean, people do it, right?? Why can't I!!???!!!?? LOL!

I am not happy with where I am at but for the first time I don't hate myself. I let pictures be taken of me. I don't hide. I wear a bathing suit (I always have). But, I used to want to be at a healthy weight to look good. Now, at 46, my joints are giving out on me and it's a whole other reason. What is my pain level going to be like if I don't get at least 80-100 off (I weight 283 currently, 5'5"). When your orthopedic looks at you and recommends WLS to alleviate your joint issues, well.....that should tell you something.

 

[hilary1617]

It's pretty clear that it is highly unlikely with your metabolism and circumstances that you will be able to permanently lose a significant amount of weight without a malabsorptive procedure. That comes with real risks and costs, but the health benefits are substantial. At the end of the day, my decision was guided primarily by quality of life concerns. That's the factor that mattered most to me.

The best advice I can give is to do what you would advise your best friend to do were s/he in your shoes...

 

[star0210]

All I can do is share my experience. I did great with the VSG alone...until I didn't. I ended up regaining 50 lbs. No matter what I tried I couldn't lose a lb.
when I first started complaining about it to my husband he said ok, let's work on it. I explained to him about the VSG (we weren't together yet when I had the sleeve) and about the diet. He did a bunch of research. I started tracking everything again and so did he. After several months when I still hadn't lost anything and he had while eating twice or three times as much as me he said, ok you're right. You're broken. You need a revision if this is something that is important to you.
Off to Mexico we went.
I'm 6.5 months out now...I was 196 the day of surgery and today I'm 156.
It's not been easy and the weight is not pouring off of me by any means. Since the first of March I'm averaging about a lb a week. But I've lost 67% of my excess weight.
I stay at 30g of total carbs per day. I've had no bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, white flour products, cereals AT ALL. I eat very little fruit..only berries occasionally.
I did have a tiny piece of cake and a piece of a cookie at a birthday party a while back just to taste. Oh and I drank a sugary daiquiri once...that's the one and only time I've had anything resembling diarrhea. More like just loose stool. I won't ever do that again...I bloated up something terrible and was miserable!
Im eating the same now as I was before my revision so it has to be the malabsorption that's helping me lose...but I'm super carb sensitive so I know those things can never be a regular part of my diet if I want to keep the weight off.
Part of it too can be the fact that I'm not very active AT ALL. I'm pretty physically limited in what I can do exercise wise. If I could be more active and get in more exercise, maybe my body would be able to tolerate a bit more carbs without making me gain. I don't know.

So I guess my point is...I couldn't do it without the malabsorption BUT that's not given me any freedom or leeway to eat to any differently. It's still very strictly low carb, high protein.

 

[Txkat]

At your BMI, I can't imagine choosing anything but a DS. I think there is a lot of surgeon bias against the DS, largely because it's the most complicated surgery ( more possible complications etc.) and DS patients have to be very disciplined with supplements or risk really profound consequences of vitamin malnutrition. Research shows that most bariatric patients get pretty far off track a couple years out, and many regain a lot of weight. The DS is the most "durable" surgery from a weight loss standpoint, but it really requires discipline to keep yourself healthy. You said you've been seeing a counselor, and I think that is a good thing. I think you really need to spend some time really deciding whether or not you have that level of commitment. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. You just don't want to make a life long decision that doesn't fit with who you are.

 

[southernlady]

OH, I get what you are saying here:

But really, how many more times am I going to try this without malabsorption??? I have changed SO MUCH about my eating, but to say I will eat paleo the rest of my life is not going to happen. Even eating low carb the rest of my life isn't going to happen. Please put this in the context that I mean. I am satisfied now with a bite or a sip or a small portion. I don't binge eat anymore 90% of time time (I'm not going to lie and say it isn't a struggle but i have accepted myself and my limitations and pick myself back up and make it a new day). So when I say I'm not going to be low carb the rest of my life, I mean, there will be times, at goal, when I enjoy food off plan. I think I can do that in a healthy manner. Before, not so much.

I felt that way about my diabetes. I could "control" it if I was very strict with myself. But as my endo told me one time when I confessed to overdoing the Halloween candy one year, WE are HUMAN. And at some point in time, even if I were that strict 24/7/365, my diabetes would still be an issue. And he was right. I was on ever increasing doses of insulin to stay even.

MY eating disorder was portion size not what I ate. That is where the sleeve part of my DS helps. I STILL have a tiny sleeve which forces me to stay at very small portions. BUT IT DOES NOT stop me from eating STUPID FOR ME!!! What stops that is the knowledge that I really do NOT want the resulting gut/potty issues.

Each of us has to come to WLS for their own reason. And revisions have the hardest road since they typically feel they failed when actually their surgery failed them.

I am not happy with where I am at but for the first time I don't hate myself. I let pictures be taken of me. I don't hide. I wear a bathing suit (I always have). But, I used to want to be at a healthy weight to look good. Now, at 46, my joints are giving out on me and it's a whole other reason. What is my pain level going to be like if I don't get at least 80-100 off (I weight 283 currently, 5'5"). When your orthopedic looks at you and recommends WLS to alleviate your joint issues, well.....that should tell you something.

I'm 5'4" and when I had my DS I was ONLY at 203. I was 56 when I had mine...and had ALREADY had one back surgery and was on the highest level of Celebrex possible. (I've had 2 back surgeries now). But I am not sure that losing weight actually helped...I am still "falling apart". It just helps me when I complain for them to listen and NOT JUST blame it on my weight.

 

[MamaShelia]

***if you don't want to read my novel I just wrote, skip down to the last paragraph and I think you get what I am asking. LOL!***

So, a little backstory. I had lap band in 2004, when it was newer and touted as the less invasive yet get great results. We all know how that turned out. I ended up not being able to eat if I had a fill and without a fill...well, the weight came back on. I did well, except I couldn't eat and most things came back up or I had to drink liquids all the time.

So, in 2010 I was set on the RNY, I knew I need malabsorption. UNTIL...I met with my doctor who suggested the DS (Dr. Hugh Houston did my fills, I had lap band in Mexico). I cannot remember if he told me about the VSG, or I found it on OH. I honestly can't, but after research, I thought I could have that done and lose the weight and not have malabsorption. *sigh*

So, I travelled to Texas and Dr. David Kim did my sleeve. I did fine until just about a year out. I had lost 70 pounds, but I had no follow up and even though I was still on OH, hindsight, I sabotaged myself into stalling. I stopped losing, and tried desperately to maintain what I lost and lose more for about a year. I had regained about 20 pounds 1 1/2 years out. Started intensive therapy and have learned SO MUCH and can see how I sabotaged myself. How I hated myself into surgery instead of loving every inch and accepting the person that I am and changing to make myself the best person I could be.

Fast forward to not being able to lose weight AT ALL for over a year. I don't overeat but i'm not eating in a way that assists me in losing weight. I basically spent a year getting normal with food. Having a healthy relationship.

I decided to give losing weight on my own another shot. I mean, I have a tool. Why can't I get it to work.?We were on vacation at the beach last week and believe me, it was difficult not to be discouraged that I'm back to being as large as i was when I had the VSG 5 years ago. I was not trying to lose weight on vacation, but when we got back I decided to cut way back and gradually cut back on sugar and carbs. I would need to do that anyway, if I had the DS. Right. More so, actually.

And I'm not giving up on myself by any means because cutting back is what I'm doing, but it's really hard. I'm not expecting perfection. I'm just frustrated that it is THIS. DAMN. HARD.

Why can't I just do this on my own? I know I am going to have to cleanse off of sugar, as it is a major trigger for me, and once that is done it gets easier, but I pretty much have to eat clean, whole grains, if any, or go paleo to really lose weight. And I have done that the past two years and guess what......I have not been able to stick with it or I would already be below 200 pounds (which has been my goal on my own). So.....why do I think this time is going to be any different (stinking thinking, I know). My therapist encourages me to keep going, but she supports me if I decide to have surgery.

I just re-read @DianaCox post on goals and responsibility...again. and was encouraged by this:



I think I am expecting a whole lot of myself (which is typical, I am hardest on myself). But really, how many more times am I going to try this without malabsorption??? I have changed SO MUCH about my eating, but to say I will eat paleo the rest of my life is not going to happen. Even eating low carb the rest of my life isn't going to happen. Please put this in the context that I mean. I am satisfied now with a bite or a sip or a small portion. I don't binge eat anymore 90% of time time (I'm not going to lie and say it isn't a struggle but i have accepted myself and my limitations and pick myself back up and make it a new day). So when I say I'm not going to be low carb the rest of my life, I mean, there will be times, at goal, when I enjoy food off plan. I think I can do that in a healthy manner. Before, not so much.

I don't want to eat whateverthehell I please. I would like, once at my goal, to enjoy some things once in a while, which I think you all have explained at goal, that you do.

So....I am still going to try this, I am not giving up. But the reality is....is it really going to work long term? *sigh*. Am I just fighting an uphill battle when I need malabsorption. I know you can't answer that for me, but maybe you can give some insight. I feel fullness and satisfaction with the VSG, I just can't lose weight without drastically changing how I eat and what I eat. Do that make sense???? And it's hard eating clean or paleo ALL. THE. TIME. I have attempted to do this for 2 years now and I am still back to what I weight the day of surgery. :-/

Thanks for any insight!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you for your candor!

 

[MamaShelia]

Having any kind of bariatric surgery, whether for the first time or as a revision, is a very personal decision. Only you can decide what level of results is acceptable to YOU, and whether or not you can achieve the results you find acceptable with the surgery that you have already had. It's great that you have learned so much about yourself, and that you have the insight to realize that, just like the rest of us, you are not perfect and you aren't going to stick to a perfect diet for the rest of your life.
You already know what results you can expect to maintain with your sleeve. Some people would be very happy with the improvement you have achieved. Others, not so much. You need to continue to be honest with yourself about what it means to you to continue to lose to, or towards, a normal weight, and to stay at that weight. If that is essential to you, then yes, it's time to get serious about malabsorption. On the other hand, if you can find contentment with where you are now, then stay where you are now. but no one else can make that decision for you.

And IMHO, people who have bariatric surgery, or revision surgery, have NOT "given up". We are people who refuse to give up on our goals and our dreams. One of my pet peeves is people who have never experienced our struggles and call bariatric surgery the easy way out. there is nothing easy about it, either physically or emotionally. You deserve a lot of credit for not giving up after your terrible lap band experience, and for not giving up now.

Larra, this is so true. As a revision, in my head I hear the stinking thinking creeping in to ask, "what if you fail this, too?" But then I remember that I worked every minute of that mediocre mini gastric bypass that he was selling as a full RNY and I know that with the right tools, my perseverance and dedication will take me wherever I want to go. I know that my cravings for carbs change when I do Atkins, it's just that I cannot do it long term, without a tool, the DS is that tool for me. WLS is so very personal, and like you said, I am so glad and proud of @SJB for having so much self-awareness, but yeh, she is the only one who can make this decision for her. When two of my girlfriends and I did WW in 2012, one 15 years older than me and mother of the one who is 12 years younger than me, we watched the 30-something lose 60 pounds in 8 months, the older girl lost 22 and I lost 8. It actually took me a total of 18 months to lose 22 pounds and I was on plan every day. I may never understand how punished my metabolism is, or has been, but I am praying that the DS can turn it around and put me on the right path, because I know that once I see the road ahead, I can walk it as I am told.

 

[MamaShelia]

Thanks to you both. And I know you can't make the decision for me. I guess my reflection was about getting real with losing this weight without malabsorption. How many times am I going to go down that road? I mean, people do it, right?? Why can't I!!???!!!?? LOL!

I am not happy with where I am at but for the first time I don't hate myself. I let pictures be taken of me. I don't hide. I wear a bathing suit (I always have). But, I used to want to be at a healthy weight to look good. Now, at 46, my joints are giving out on me and it's a whole other reason. What is my pain level going to be like if I don't get at least 80-100 off (I weight 283 currently, 5'5"). When your orthopedic looks at you and recommends WLS to alleviate your joint issues, well.....that should tell you something.

No one is happier than me about this surgery, but my rheumatologist and my cardiologist, are just as glad! I don't know what your profession is, but I feel that just as some of us choose our professions and it turns out to be a true calling for us, and some of us choose something that we never feel quite satisfied with doing; some are wired to know what to do and how to lose weight, or keep it off naturally, and some of us need some guidance...and that can be surgical or emotional guidance, or both, but if I am honest with myself, I need both of those and a physical trainer. IMHO, even when we are soul searching, and being reflective, it doesn't all "come to us" at once, and there are always dark corners that we put off exploring...keep searching, sister, you answer will come! ( I am 46, 5'7, and right now 298, I was 282 when I had gastric bypass in 2000).

 

[SJB41976]

That comes with real risks and costs, but the health benefits are substantial. At the end of the day, my decision was guided primarily by quality of life concerns. That's the factor that mattered most to me.

// Me too, that is exactly where I am...

He did a bunch of research. I started tracking everything again and so did he. After several months when I still hadn't lost anything and he had while eating twice or three times as much as me he said, ok you're right. You're broken. You need a revision if this is something that is important to you.

?? YES!!! This!!!! I can so relate!!!!!!!!

I think you really need to spend some time really deciding whether or not you have that level of commitment. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. You just don't want to make a life long decision that doesn't fit with who you are.

// That is an excellent point. And I think that is where I am. Do I have the level of commitment. I know I do with the supplements, you just don't mess around with that. And protein, yep, I can do that. I'm used to that now but have more freedom because I don't have malabsorption, but I try to get 80 grams of protein a day now. I've started tracking that more diligently because of the surgery and I will add in a shake to help. If I don't after a few days my energy levels drop tremendously. I think I need to still work on the food part. But I could work on that forever, sometimes you just have to decide that with the surgery changes will be made. Is that a healthy way to look at it??????

. I may never understand how punished my metabolism is, or has been, but I am praying that the DS can turn it around and put me on the right path, because I know that once I see the road ahead, I can walk it as I am told.

// When I was 30 I could drop weight like crazy and did...but always gained it back. But, yeah, I can relate!

Thank you all so much for your input. Thanks for reading my novel and giving me great feedback. It really helped to get that out there instead of floating around in my head. You have given me a lot to ponder and reflect upon.