Does she need my advice? I’m about to offer parenting advice...omg.

[Spiky Bugger]

Good job, and you also left the door open for more discussion in the future. Baby steps.

I’m going to address the guilt thing directly with the kid. And also hilary1617 ’s surgery story, because this child was a C-section and Mommy recently had hernia surgery...with complications...so there’s that.

 

[southernlady]

Good for you...you made it more about the child’s perception of what she was hearing/seeing and not laying blame.

 

[hilary1617]

Sue, I'm glad "you did you", as my son would say, and spoke up. Hope it leads to a good outcome for all.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Sue, I'm glad "you did you", as my son would say, and spoke up. Hope it leads to a good outcome for all.

Hubby and I have made an appointment w/a shrink...not because we are overwhelmed, but...during the summer we will have her for three separate, full weeks. I/we want clues as to how to respond to her when she’s channeling weird mommy crap. We KNOW how to say, “Your mother is a lying, abusive psycho.” We think we need help saying, “Really? You know, maybe, when Mommy said that, she made a mistake,” if that’s more appropriate.

Or do we just let her keep repeating false info that is causing her to want to pull back from Daddy? Because, sooner or later, she'll figure out that one reason “Mommy is all alone” is that she has burned through most of her friends, employers, co-workers, boyfriends, etc. Maybe. Or, just as with how Mommy got to be this way, it may just carry on through another generation. We hope not.

We HAVE NOT told MiniSue we plan to do this because she will interpret it as “child care is too stressful for my parents.” It is not. We enjoy it. It helps us be active and engaged. We just want to “first do no harm.”


One thing that I have learned so far is how my mom, in a SMALL way, parentalized me. I was talking to my sister about this—she has zero recall of some things that are so clear to me and we’re only 19 months apart in age—and I recalled the first time that our mom came to me for comfort. I was maybe 5-6 yrs old, standing on the little stool in the bathroom that I had to use to see the mirror or reach my toothbrush. Mom came in, in tears, hugged me, put her head on my shoulder, crying because my sister had the polio symptoms parents were told to watch for...later dx’d as “growing pains.” There were other times. When Dad moved out, I was 12 and Mom and I sat on the living room floor rolling pennies from my piggy bank and buying beans and onions and eggs so we could eat. My sister was at summer camp. When I graduated from HS at age 16, I went to work, clerical job, making more money ($70/week...lol) than my mother and promptly took over the swimming pool payment of $58.85/mo. For reference purposes, the house payment was $41.00. So I guess she was always my responsibility. But I don’t want the little one to be as crazy as I am...

 

[hilary1617]

Hubby and I have made an appointment w/a shrink...not because we are overwhelmed, but...during the summer we will have her for three separate, full weeks. I/we want clues as to how to respond to her when she’s channeling weird mommy crap. We KNOW how to say, “Your mother is a lying, abusive psycho.” We think we need help saying, “Really? You know, maybe, when Mommy said that, she made a mistake,” if that’s more appropriate.

Or do we just let her keep repeating false info that is causing her to want to pull back from Daddy? Because, sooner or later, she'll figure out that one reason “Mommy is all alone” is that she has burned through most of her friends, employers, co-workers, boyfriends, etc. Maybe. Or, just as with how Mommy got to be this way, it may just carry on through another generation. We hope not.

We HAVE NOT told MiniSue we plan to do this because she will interpret it as “child care is too stressful for my parents.” It is not. We enjoy it. It helps us be active and engaged. We just want to “first do no harm.”


One thing that I have learned so far is how my mom, in a SMALL way, parentalized me. I was talking to my sister about this—she has zero recall of some things that are so clear to me and we’re only 19 months apart in age—and I recalled the first time that our mom came to me for comfort. I was maybe 5-6 yrs old, standing on the little stool in the bathroom that I had to use to see the mirror or reach my toothbrush. Mom came in, in tears, hugged me, put her head on my shoulder, crying because my sister had the polio symptoms parents were told to watch for...later dx’d as “growing pains.” There were other times. When Dad moved out, I was 12 and Mom and I sat on the living room floor rolling pennies from my piggy bank and buying beans and onions and eggs so we could eat. My sister was at summer camp. When I graduated from HS at age 16, I went to work, clerical job, making more money ($70/week...lol) than my mother and promptly took over the swimming pool payment of $58.85/mo. For reference purposes, the house payment was $41.00. So I guess she was always my responsibility. But I don’t want the little one to be as crazy as I am...

Seeking guidance from a therapist is definitely a good call. I've done it for tough kid issues - when Hannah was in kindergarten, while we were away on holiday, her close friend/classmate/neighbor's mom took her own life. By the time we got back and learned of the sad news, we had missed the funeral. I wasn't sure what to say or not say to this little girl. In my heart, I wanted to apologize for not being at the funeral, really and to tell her how devastated we were and that we'd be there for her. But I also thought raising the topic alone of a funeral / death might be traumatizing. A therapist came up with the right solution for us to give support without causing harm.

I'm lucky. I'm still a child in many ways. I'm sick this week and my mom brought me soup. I've never had to parent my parents (until the onset of my dad's dementia. They were good about sticking to their roles.

Hope it works out. If you're crazy, then we all should be.

 

[JackieOnLine]

We HAVE NOT told MiniSue we plan to do this because she will interpret it as “child care is too stressful for my parents.” It is not. We enjoy it. It helps us be active and engaged. We just want to “first do no harm.”

good for you guys, MiniSue would be wrong about it for sure.

If you're crazy, then we all should be.

that's absolutely true!