Does she need my advice? I’m about to offer parenting advice...omg.

[Spiky Bugger]

"Isn't it great that Mommy and Daddy both love you so much and in their different special ways! I love you too. So glad that love multiplies so there is enough love to share with every one. Grown ups can be so silly." Is about all I would muster. I wouldn't even speak to the ex. Just to kiddo. Hang in there!

I know you’re right. But when the kid is worked up, almost in tears, about poor Mommy...

When I was a little kid, my father was an executive for Studebaker, a now defunct auto manufacturer. I heard him use the term “lay-offs.” But it was fall, and I heard stores using the term “lay away.” And a church person said her aunt had been “laid to rest,” so I figured my father was about to die, but wasn’t sure what that had to do with J.C. Penney and Christmas presents. Kids get confused and build their own reality.

So...I was (still am) considering telling Mommy my story AND saying, “...we all know kids get bits and pieces of info and “build” stories that don’t mesh w/reality. But somehow, somewhere this child is getting little bits of information and is really worried that you are overworked and alone and running out of money...and she has no way to solve those problems...so she is worried and sad and angry that you are in trouble and she can’t fix it.”

...if I say anything at all, it would probably be along those lines.

But I shouldn’t.

 

[Larra]

If you ever have that conversation, I would add that children often find a way to blame themselves when their parents divorce, and this is something the child may not be expressing to anyone. She needs to be reassured by both parents that whatever issues led to this break-up, it is 100% not her fault.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

If you ever have that conversation, I would add that children often find a way to blame themselves when their parents divorce, and this is something the child may not be expressing to anyone. She needs to be reassured by both parents that whatever issues led to this break-up, it is 100% not her fault.

Good point.

I hadn’t considered that because she has no recall of their being an intact family. She was probably barely two years old when they split, she’s nine now and only knows what it’s like to live with Daddy and MiniSue. But, she knows what a nuclear family looks like and probably finds it appealing.

Blame. Good point.

I will add that to conversations that the child and I have. Thanks!

 

[hilary1617]

If you ever have that conversation, I would add that children often find a way to blame themselves when their parents divorce, and this is something the child may not be expressing to anyone. She needs to be reassured by both parents that whatever issues led to this break-up, it is 100% not her fault.

Absolutely agree. I found out from a teacher in whom she confided, that for over a year at age 6, my daughter carried the burdensome thought that she had caused my cancer. In her mind, she had come out of my belly (via c-section) and that is somewhat the region where the cancer arose... She heard too many disjoint snippets and applied kid logic. This broke my heart. I easily could see the same thing happening for children in divorce situations.

 

[hilary1617]

I know you’re right. But when the kid is worked up, almost in tears, about poor Mommy...

When I was a little kid, my father was an executive for Studebaker, a now defunct auto manufacturer. I heard him use the term “lay-offs.” But it was fall, and I heard stores using the term “lay away.” And a church person said her aunt had been “laid to rest,” so I figured my father was about to die, but wasn’t sure what that had to do with J.C. Penney and Christmas presents. Kids get confused and build their own reality.

So...I was (still am) considering telling Mommy my story AND saying, “...we all know kids get bits and pieces of info and “build” stories that don’t mesh w/reality. But somehow, somewhere this child is getting little bits of information and is really worried that you are overworked and alone and running out of money...and she has no way to solve those problems...so she is worried and sad and angry that you are in trouble and she can’t fix it.”

...if I say anything at all, it would probably be along those lines.

But I shouldn’t.

If only that information would be welcomed as helpful guidance. Sadly, even the most delicately put and constructive feedback will likely not be well-received, even if sent with flowers and a check!

 

[JackieOnLine]

Sadly, even the most delicately put and constructive feedback will likely not be well-received

likely, yes. but maybe it needs to be said? and maybe it will sink in later?

I honestly don't know.

 

[JackieOnLine]

she’s not my kid...or grandkid...or step-anything)

I think you are a Grandmother despite not officially. you are. and she needs you to be one, that's why you are asking, you know you need to be one.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

likely, yes. but maybe it needs to be said? and maybe it will sink in later?

I honestly don't know.

Fershure, the kid needs to be fed honest info.

The issue for me, I think, is that if I give her info that conflicts w/what Mommy says, I put her in the position of deciding which of us is lying to her.

As in...
Kid: “Mommy is the one who pays to take ne to the doctor. Every time. Daddy doesn’t take me and doesn’t pay. Mommy loves me so much.”

Me: “Honey, they BOTH love you and they BOTH pay, but in different ways and at different times. A long time ago, they got a helper who figured out the best, MOST FAIR way for them to SHARE the cost of keeping you healthy, because keeping you healthy is something they BOTH want to do. You can see that Mommy pays for the doctor’s time when you GO there. But you can’t see that Daddy pays from home for stuff like tests on your blood or pee, an x-ray and other things. This is the FAIR plan they agreed on. And they BOTH love you more than bacon or even hot chocolate with whipped cream and sprinkles on top.”

This is where she could say, “But Mommy says...” and we return to Square One and I’m in the “Mean to Poor to Mommy Club” and she is more cautious about telling me stuff.

Love shouldn't be so hard.

 

[JackieOnLine]

Love shouldn't be so hard.

you are right. her Mom sucks and needs a smack, no doubt.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

I think you are a Grandmother despite not officially. you are. and she needs you to be one, that's why you are asking, you know you need to be one.

A couple of weeks ago, when MrSue went to pick her up after school, a new worker asked, “Is he your grandfather?”

She replied, “No! He’s my old guy.”

Everybody’s gotta be SOMEbody. LOL

 

[southernlady]

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Well...I did it. But in a VERY modified version.

Besides, the universe opened up and SAID should. I know that because at 1:30 this afternoon, Mommy texted me to ask if she could stop by w/some stuff the little one left at Mommy’s house. I said she sure could.

We visited and then...as an aside...I hesitated, then told her I wanted to say something but was afraid she’d feel like I was picking on her. I told her my dumb story about my dad being laid away or laid to rest or whatever. She politely chuckled. Then I said that MAYBE our favorite 9-year old was picking up bits and pieces of conversations and building her own reality, but that the “unreal reality” she was building was bothering her. I gave a couple of examples.

She asked which thing set her daughter off the most. I said I wasn’t sure, and called MrSue to join us and asked him. He said that it was when Mommy cried. I said, “ROTTEN KID! She loves you so much, she thinks she should fix everything to make you happy and gets upset when she can’t.” Mommy said, “She must have been listening when I was talking to my cousin. I’ll have to watch that.”

So she took ownership of some of the problem. Then she said she wasn’t mad, and that she knows we spend a lot of time with her daughter and she with WANTS to know when we observe anything that might indicate that her kid is unhappy...and to call or text her at any time.

So...who knows...


(Don’t be mad at me hilary1617 ... the devil made me do it.)

 

[JackieOnLine]

So she took ownership of some of the problem. Then she said she wasn’t mad, and that she knows we spend a lot of time with her daughter and she with WANTS to know when we observe anything that might indicate that her kid is unhappy...and to call or text her at any time.

that's certainly encouraging! I'm so glad you brought it up, even if modified.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

Well...I did it. But in a VERY modified version.

Besides, the universe opened up and SAID should. I know that because at 1:30 this afternoon, Mommy texted me to ask if she could stop by w/some stuff the little one left at Mommy’s house. I said she sure could.

We visited and then...as an aside...I hesitated, then told her I wanted to say something but was afraid she’d feel like I was picking on her. I told her my dumb story about my dad being laid away or laid to rest or whatever. She politely chuckled. Then I said that MAYBE our favorite 9-year old was picking up bits and pieces of conversations and building her own reality, but that the “unreal reality” she was building was bothering her. I gave a couple of examples.

She asked which thing set her daughter off the most. I said I wasn’t sure, and called MrSue to join us and asked him. He said that it was when Mommy cried. I said, “ROTTEN KID! She loves you so much, she thinks she should fix everything to make you happy and gets upset when she can’t.” Mommy said, “She must have been listening when I was talking to my cousin. I’ll have to watch that.”

So she took ownership of some of the problem. Then she said she wasn’t mad, and that she knows we spend a lot of time with her daughter and she with WANTS to know when we observe anything that might indicate that her kid is unhappy...and to call or text her at any time.

So...who knows...


(Don’t be mad at me hilary1617 ... the devil made me do it.)

I think you handled it perfectly! Good job.

 

[Larra]

Good job, and you also left the door open for more discussion in the future. Baby steps.