Caregiving and Wretched Step-child

[k9ophile]

I've been trying to keep this in and not doing a good job of it.

Just a little background: My SD (57 y.o.) is a train wreck and has been her entire adult life. She is a shit magnet, which in and of itself is sad. Yet the worse part is that she is financially illiterate or at least, stupid with money. I have lost track of how many times she has either filed for bankruptcy or enrolled in credit counseling to get creditors off her back.

On the 10th, DH had a total hip replacement. She knew he was having it done. So what does she do? She asked us for $3,500. She is up to her eyeballs in payday loans- her words. She can't pay rent, buy groceries, her car has been wrecked & she can't meet the deductible to get it fixed, etc. Of course she says she'll pay it back.

Now for the caregiving aspect. I am exhausted. I'm not complaining, just stating the facts. The second day of his stay, he was sitting up in a chair getting a sponge bath. His eyes start rolling around and his body is shaking as in a full body spasm. A Rapid Response is called and I'm standing in the hall sobbing and praying he'll be okay. That night, he's doing great and I am thanking my higher power. We go home the next day. I panic at every noise fearing he's fallen. If it's quiet too long, I'm reminded of the Rapid Response. (Hey, I don't know what the hell happened.) He can't get in or out of bed unless I lift his legs.

And less than two weeks after his surgery, she's asking for $3,500 along with giving us the details of the latest chapter in her life long sob story. I am so pissed at her, or at least her timing. I feel like the evil step-mother, yet when is she going to learn that adults need to manage money wisely? Her forty years at attempting have resulted in miserable failure. We see this as the first in many requests and not happy.

DH decides to send her the money, not as a loan, but as a one time gift. He advises her to spend it wisely as there will not be another. Meanwhile, I'm having a little lottery in my mind in guessing when she'll beg us for more.

On the plus side of this, DH is getting stronger every day. He's gong to PT and is in the process of transitioning from a walker to a cane. Meanwhile, I am still pissed at SD. I'm hoping getting this all written out will help me let go of my anger and resentment. It's not that we don't love her, she has just worn us out. Every single time we hear from her, it's a new litany of her problems, the biggest always being her financial woes.

Thanks for listening!

 

[hilary1617]

Hope DH gets better soon and SD gets her act together. Hang in there!

 

[k9ophile]

Hope DH gets better soon and SD gets her act together. Hang in there!

Thank you! We just took another big step: he got his first shower since the day before surgery. Maybe I'll let him get his next one without me hovering nearby.

 

[Susan in Tennessee]

I’d feel the same way you do! I’ve had relatives and friends like that. You cringe when you see their name on caller ID! Make him stick to his words that the monetary gift was IT, no more! I’m so glad he’s doing better. He sure likes to have odd (insert SCARY here) things happen when hospitalized!

 

[JackieOnLine]

no reason to keep it in: this is a good place to rant.

DH is getting stronger every day. He's gong to PT and is in the process of transitioning from a walker to a cane.

I hope it keeps getting better. take care of yourself, too!

 

[k9ophile]

I’d feel the same way you do! I’ve had relatives and friends like that. You cringe when you see their name on caller ID! Make him stick to his words that the monetary gift was IT, no more! I’m so glad he’s doing better. He sure likes to have odd (insert SCARY here) things happen when hospitalized!

She doesn't call, but you're right about seeing the name. When DH says we got an e-mail from her, my first response is, "What's wrong now?" And it always about her latest bad news. For years we'd get the I love you, but I don't have any money to buy Christmas/birthday/Father's Day, etc. I said to DH that the best thing she could give us was to quit sending us those e-mails. We know she doesn't have money. We've never said anything yet those e-mails have miraculously stopped.

 

[Munchkin]

The gift was smart. That way no one has to get upset about her failing to pay you back. But she is the one who has to quit making bad decisions. Glad your H is improving. I did after care for a friend a couple years ago so I have a good idea what you are going through. Stay strong!

 

[k9ophile]

The gift was smart. That way no one has to get upset about her failing to pay you back. But she is the one who has to quit making bad decisions. Glad your H is improving. I did after care for a friend a couple years ago so I have a good idea what you are going through. Stay strong!

DH made it perfectly clear that this is the only time he's doing this. I hold no hope for her ever being solvent. When she graduated from high school, I was adamant about not giving her money. I figured she'd spend it on something stupid. We gave her a gift certificate to a jewelry store. She did buy something very nice, and lost it. Same with when she graduated from college. We gave her a very nice cedar hope chest. We have also paid for the expenses for family reunions. Her brother gave her air fare for my F-I-L's 90th birthday and we paid for the hotel and meals. After F-I-L died, we planned to gather on the NC shore for a burial at sea. (F-I-L was born in NC and was career Coast Guard.) We paid the air fare and beach house rental.

This caring for DH has been an eye opener and quite frankly has scared me shitless. I see an end to this. He's getting stronger every day. My heart breaks for those caring for loved ones with a terminal illness. And if their loved one has dementia, I can't even begin to image what hell they're going through. DH and I are relatively healthy now. I refuse to give any more money to SD just to see her run through it. It's unrealistic of me to think neither DH or I will never need home health or long term care. I want to have money when that day comes.

 

[Sheanie]

I spewed coffee out my nose at "shit magnet". This makes me so angry on your behalf I could slap someone. This sounds EXACTLY like my sister Teflon Mary. Wait until there is a soft spot, then strike.

You are aware that his discharge papers say not to allow him to sign or make any big decisions after surgery? This is why.

Teflon Mary hit me up, predictably, the day after each of my big surgeries. I wrote HUGE checks. She bankrupted on me. Ironically, it was my boob job that finally awakened me. I read that on the papers and asked why? The nurse said we are not lucid or in our complete self after surgery. Your husband should never have had access to money.

Now we know. Wish I had gotten smart BEFORE my boob job. Well, at least from here on out, I am tits.

 

[k9ophile]

I spewed coffee out my nose at "shit magnet". This makes me so angry on your behalf I could slap someone. This sounds EXACTLY like my sister Teflon Mary. Wait until there is a soft spot, then strike.

"Shit Magnet
Person who for some inextricable reason attracts bad things and events to happen to them." Urban Dictionary Yeah, I like that phrase. There's even patches and buttons! Her next piece of fine jewelry?

DH was two weeks post-op, so I think his anesthesia fog had pretty much dissipated. Our main concern was whether or not we were opening the gate for further requests. She has acknowledged that she knows it the last time. Yet even when she thanks us, she closes with a whine about her bank putting a ten day hold on it. Which we told her that it's likely that her bank will do that.

My brother was evicted by the sheriff. His house was foreclosed and sold at auction. He never asked for a dime. He is obviously also stupid with money. We sold the family farm and he has a financial custodian to oversee his account. In fact, when we sold the farm, I suggested we might give the step-kids a small gift, like one or two thousand dollars. DH said absolutely not. It's nice that we are in full agreement about what we give his kids.

 

[Spiky Bugger]

Dear Mr k9ophile,

My nephew just had to deal with some of his dead FIL’s failures, to wit:

•the 54-yr-old daughter he had ALWAYS helped, which is why she is STILL an occasionally employed, occasionally loaded, druggie, whose kids have dumped her. She had spent the past 10+ years “helping” the dead guy with his wife’s ALS. (She died two years ago.)
•the 33-yr-old granddaughter—complete with 11-yr-old son, whose undocumented daddy skipped town—who has managed to snag an intermittent job as a substitute clerk. She started private college, grandpa paid for that, so she dropped out. (She even had him pay for her gastric sleeve...wrong surgery, so her previous +/- 280# is now +/-360#.). She also “helped” with her grandmother.
•and then his own foolish self. Latino, raised in the barrio, always trying to prove he was BETTER than his background. Yes, he DID have a doctorate...he was a pharmacist. But he always introduced himself as “Doctor ____.” (By those standards, we’d have to call DianaCox ”Doctor Doctor Cox.”). OF COURSE he always bought expensive season tickets to his alma mater’s football games...four or six so he could invite guests...and they went in his Mercedes, with him decked out in his somewhat-Mr-T-jewelry. And the deadbeat daughter and granddaughter? They used his credit cards for things like hair, nails, clothes, food...well, everything.

He managed his generosity by refinancing the house. The bimbos are drooling, waiting for their big inheritance, not quite grasping that they’ve already spent it. They don’t even get the Mercedes, because it was leased.

My nephew feels a little guilty for “blaming” his late FIL for his “generosity.”

His rude Auntie Sue asked “Who, really, needed this relationship to exist in this way? Who benefitted?” Did the dead guy benefit by proving to someone/himself that he could help these deadbeats? Did the deadbeats benefit by learning late—and very late—in life that adults have to care for themselves?

I think the BEST help he could have provided would have been to cut them loose and coach from the sidelines as they began adulting.

He didn’t do that. He’s gone. No one is “loaning them money” or allowing them to “move in for a while.”


(BTW...once you get into the Payday Loan game, you are lost. When MiniSue was an aging teen in college, credit card companies issued cards to kids with zero income, and told them they didn’t need parental approval. Power! She managed for a while and then needed “help for this month’s payment.“ I explained that she would be in the EXACT same mess next month and offered her no help at all or to pay off ALL her balances if she destroyed all cards. Not a stupid woman, she opted for zero balances, and never got in that mess again. So she got to start adulting early.)

The end.

 

[southernlady]

So she got to start adulting early

Some kids learn adulting quickly.

 

[k9ophile]

So she got to start adulting early.

My SD is obviously late to the "game" of adulting. One she going to lose eventually by default because the other team, DH & me, are not going to show up. DH joined the USAF at 18, I left home at age 20. I didn't join the USAF until I was 22, and I learned a lot about adulting in those two years. My first and only credit card until I got married was for Marathon gasoline. That was our entry into adulting.

I know one of the biggest reasons my SD never learned how to adult is because when her mother was alive, she always rescued her. I also think she was SD's coach on lavish living. Which she could afford.

Not that I enjoyed hearing about your family, yet it is reassuring that my shit magnet isn't the only one out there.