304lbs down so far!!! :)

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

After dancing around with 5lbs up and down, up and down since September, I finally broke through

I tend to freak out psychologically around milestones. As I wrote on FB

"Man I've been fighting those few pounds (mentally) forever. I know skinny people will NEVER understand but there is a part of me that's scared. This is all new territory. I was 13 and in 8th grade....practically David's age last time I was this weight. Change is scary and while I want this more than anything, subconsciously part of me is petrified and holding onto life as I've always known it."

It really is true for me. And I've tried counselling (FAIL) and CBT and all that jazz but NO ONE CAN HELP ME as no one knows what Im going through. So, I just forgive myself often, try to figure out what the trigger is, what can be done to ease anxiety and how can I move on. It works for me. It's the turtle method: slow, but I get there in the end. And hopefully by dealing with my mental baggage as it rears its head, means I won't have freak out regain That's my theory anyways.

So here is the big reveal

yeah, Im rockin' my DS

 

[aaa]

Unbelievable to see what you've done!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

After dancing around with 5lbs up and down, up and down since September, I finally broke through

I tend to freak out psychologically around milestones. As I wrote on FB

"Man I've been fighting those few pounds (mentally) forever. I know skinny people will NEVER understand but there is a part of me that's scared. This is all new territory. I was 13 and in 8th grade....practically David's age last time I was this weight. Change is scary and while I want this more than anything, subconsciously part of me is petrified and holding onto life as I've always known it."

It really is true for me. And I've tried counselling (FAIL) and CBT and all that jazz but NO ONE CAN HELP ME as no one knows what Im going through. So, I just forgive myself often, try to figure out what the trigger is, what can be done to ease anxiety and how can I move on. It works for me. It's the turtle method: slow, but I get there in the end. And hopefully by dealing with my mental baggage as it rears its head, means I won't have freak out regain That's my theory anyways.

So here is the big reveal

yeah, Im rockin' my DS

Amazing! Just...wow!

 

[Larra]

Awesome! You look great, esp your smile. Best lookin' turtle I ever saw.

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

Awesome! You look great, esp your smile. Best lookin' turtle I ever saw.

hahaha that made me smile so much! Now I think when I reach my goal (at least 243lbs if not 199) I shall get a small tatt of a turtle on my arse haha

 

[newanatomy]

Way to go Roo! I know you are working hard on both the physical act of losing weight and the mental part of keeping it together. You are doing an amazing job!

 

[star0210]

You are sooo pretty!
I'm amazed by what you've accomplished!

 

[DianaCox]

You are a rockstar! And such an inspiration. Congrats!

 

[jillc]

You look fantastic!! Such an inspiration!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

You all are too kind! Thank you.

I'm not very inspirational to tell you the truth. I am very human, very fallible and if I was under surveillance you all would see just how imperfect my journey is and has been. However, I have tenacity that is unmatched in anyone I have ever met. Hell, I didn't even know I had it in me until I had my DS! Nearly dying changed me. Changed me for the better. I have accepted my faults as part of me and I love those shitty parts of me, but I no longer let them define me nor dictate my future.

I made up my mind that I WILL do this. If it takes me 10 years then so be it. This journey is mine to walk, no one else's. I can't even put into words the exact mental trauma of always being SSSSSMO and now being "normal fat". I'm still heavier than most people started out (to put it into context) and I feel SKINNY! I know I am not, lol, and that I have a long way to go, but it's a mind fuck and a half to weigh the same as you did when you hit puberty. It's just weird man lol.

But, I'm dealing with it all ok. I'm thinking of writing a book as I am so frustrated that no one (professionally speaking) understands the struggle os subconscious self sabotage. I've tried to explain it to my bariatric team and they look at me like I have 3 heads. Thankfully I'm a smart cookie and can sort out the mental stuff myself (albeit slowly). So if I can put words to it and write it down, maybe, maybe I can help someone else? I mean people ARE getting fatter, so there are going to be more 600+lb people getting WLS who have always lived in a super fat body...right? lol.

Anyways, sorry for being a chatty cathy! I always feel GUILTY, yes...GUILTY when people tell me I inspire them. I feel like I am tricking people into thinking I've been perfect...and I've been far from it sometimes.

But, this turtle will rock on until the fat lady within sings songs of glee!

 

[JackieOnLine]

yay, Roo!!! that is so excellent and LOVE the photos. I'm glad you are doing so well and you should write a book. hell, you have just from you posts/blog. you write well - you might as well share it!

 

[DuodenalSwitchaRoo]

oh and update on complications: Carpal Tunnel in left hand is 95% gone. Which is GREAT! Was the worst complication to me by MILES lol. Right leg still has weird nerve crap going on and I still have a 2 inch section of wound that is taking it's time. But, I have no complaints. NONE!

I finally bit the bullet with pain medication. I admitted to my GP that even ODing on codeine wasn't touching the pain, so now I am on patches. Was on BuTrans but turns out I'm allergic to the stuff! Now I'm on Fentanyl and my god, life is GOOD! I still have bad pain days, but I'm so functional I'm driving my husband crazy! lol. All of the small things that got overlooked whilst I was immobilised by pain are now on a to-do list lol and Im able to help do them! That in itself is amazing! I wish I had told my GP sooner. I was afraid to move past codeine, not because it worked but because I knew how to manage the side effects. Better the devil you know. I am here to tell you that if the devil you know aint workin, then ya gotta be brave and get help!

I saw a pain management guy and we had a good talk about pain and weight loss. As most know, at 644lbs I wasn't in much pain and now I am cripple. He explained that more studies need to but done to confirm, but he is seeing more and more people who have my problem. It does make sense as it's only been possible for seriously obese people to lose a lot of weight a keep it off, quite recently with WLS. The theory is, the cause of pain (in my case osteo and psoriatic arthritis) has been there for a very long time but the nerve endings themselves were protected by layers of fat. At 600lbs I can believe than even my nerve endings were obese lol. It makes total sense as with every 5 lbs I lose, the more debilitating the pain is. So losing weight has not crippled me, but has allowed my body to sense the pain it has always been trying to sense but was being blocked.

The pain dr was one of the coolest guys I've ever had a chat with. Cool and laid back....and his writing was 100% legible lol. He discharged me back to my GP as there isn't much he could do for me that my GP couldn't. However he was nice enough to give me the bad news that even hip replacements aren't a guarantee for a pain free life. HA! Such is life! I don't even care. Life is good. I am alive and I really couldn't ask for more.

 

[Barbara]

I think you are amazing!

 

[JackieOnLine]

I didn't realize you'd had so much pain - glad you are getting help and have found Fentanyl, sounds like it's what you need.

 

[revisionDS]

what an amazing ride you must have had thus far, you look amazing, and so very different, you must feel amazing also. what a great christmas give, the gift of health. that looks like the same couch but who could ever tell it is the same person.