My son-in-law is adopted. His parents live in the same 55+ community where we moved (we leveraged their research into this being a decent place to live), so the kids have to come visit for holidays since they get a twofer and nobody feels left out. They are lovely people and we socialize with them once or twice a month (they have their own friends and interests, and we don’t overlap much on the interest side - she is artsy and does volunteer work; he plays golf), so we don’t wear out our welcome and also we live on opposite ends of this sizable community (our homes are about 3 miles apart).
Co-madre (D) wears her heart on her sleeve. She is a bit older than me, and has some medical issues, including with her heart. She has the grandbaby-rabies BAD. The kids just got married AND bought a house in October, and money is tight, but they are planning on trying to start a family soon, using the embryos they created two years ago due to my daughter’s endometriosis. She may or may not be able to carry a pregnancy. D is eager for a grandbaby ASAP.
My daughter told me a couple of weeks ago that she had made an appointment with her doctor at the end of March to discuss doing the embryo transfer soon. I casually mentioned this to D the last time we got together, and later, she mentioned that it hurt her feelings that neither of the kids had told her about the appointment. I tried to smooth it over by saying it was just an information gathering appointment, so there was really nothing to report yet, but the point is that information about the kids is really important in her life.
A couple of years ago, my daughter told me that SIL was interested in finding his biological parents, obviously his biomom in particular, if for no other reason than to get family medical history. Since I have decent Google-Fu skills and I had time on my hands, I did some research. The information I had was his birthday, the county where he was born and that the mom was a youngish teen at the time. I didn’t really get anywhere at the time.
Several months ago, I gave it another try. I immediately found a new database of birth records for the county, narrowed it down to fewer than 50 boy babies, eliminated unlikely ethnic names (he’s blonde and blue eyed), and quickly realized that there was one mom with an unusual last name, and that there was no first name listed for the baby, but last name was the same as mom’s.
Two minutes later, I had found her Facebook page, address and possible phone numbers, including where she works. Her looks and family pics appeared consistent. She’s in her late 40s and has no (other) children.
SIL sent her a Facebook PM and friend request. No answer, though she didn’t block him - it’s not clear whether she ever saw his messages. The kids got busy with the wedding and buying a house and moving.
For Xmas, my daughter bought them both 23andme kits, to research their backgrounds and genetic health considerations. The kits were opened at Xmas in front of both sets of parents.
They just got their results back. His results matched him with a second cousin, who listed the unusual last name as being part of her family genealogy. He contacted her. She is also in CA, but doesn’t know most of her cousins on that side.
So that’s where things are at, at the moment. Biomom lives in the same town where SIL works, and they both have to drive past the building where she works every day. I’m not sure what his next move will be in trying to contact her. I suggested a snail mail letter including a pic and asking for medical information at the very least (she’s a nurse).
I feel a bit too invested in this search. It’s like a real-life This Is Us or something. I keep trying to think how I might be able to intervene to facilitate the connection, which I’m pretty sure would be a terrible idea. But also ...
I’ve told the kids that if and when the time comes that SIL shares the fact that he knows who his biomom is, he is to keep my part in the discovery process a secret. He should just say he did the search himself, or a friend did. If D knew I had done this, she would be really really hurt. I don’t want that to happen.
Updates if and when they occur.
Co-madre (D) wears her heart on her sleeve. She is a bit older than me, and has some medical issues, including with her heart. She has the grandbaby-rabies BAD. The kids just got married AND bought a house in October, and money is tight, but they are planning on trying to start a family soon, using the embryos they created two years ago due to my daughter’s endometriosis. She may or may not be able to carry a pregnancy. D is eager for a grandbaby ASAP.
My daughter told me a couple of weeks ago that she had made an appointment with her doctor at the end of March to discuss doing the embryo transfer soon. I casually mentioned this to D the last time we got together, and later, she mentioned that it hurt her feelings that neither of the kids had told her about the appointment. I tried to smooth it over by saying it was just an information gathering appointment, so there was really nothing to report yet, but the point is that information about the kids is really important in her life.
A couple of years ago, my daughter told me that SIL was interested in finding his biological parents, obviously his biomom in particular, if for no other reason than to get family medical history. Since I have decent Google-Fu skills and I had time on my hands, I did some research. The information I had was his birthday, the county where he was born and that the mom was a youngish teen at the time. I didn’t really get anywhere at the time.
Several months ago, I gave it another try. I immediately found a new database of birth records for the county, narrowed it down to fewer than 50 boy babies, eliminated unlikely ethnic names (he’s blonde and blue eyed), and quickly realized that there was one mom with an unusual last name, and that there was no first name listed for the baby, but last name was the same as mom’s.
Two minutes later, I had found her Facebook page, address and possible phone numbers, including where she works. Her looks and family pics appeared consistent. She’s in her late 40s and has no (other) children.
SIL sent her a Facebook PM and friend request. No answer, though she didn’t block him - it’s not clear whether she ever saw his messages. The kids got busy with the wedding and buying a house and moving.
For Xmas, my daughter bought them both 23andme kits, to research their backgrounds and genetic health considerations. The kits were opened at Xmas in front of both sets of parents.
They just got their results back. His results matched him with a second cousin, who listed the unusual last name as being part of her family genealogy. He contacted her. She is also in CA, but doesn’t know most of her cousins on that side.
So that’s where things are at, at the moment. Biomom lives in the same town where SIL works, and they both have to drive past the building where she works every day. I’m not sure what his next move will be in trying to contact her. I suggested a snail mail letter including a pic and asking for medical information at the very least (she’s a nurse).
I feel a bit too invested in this search. It’s like a real-life This Is Us or something. I keep trying to think how I might be able to intervene to facilitate the connection, which I’m pretty sure would be a terrible idea. But also ...
I’ve told the kids that if and when the time comes that SIL shares the fact that he knows who his biomom is, he is to keep my part in the discovery process a secret. He should just say he did the search himself, or a friend did. If D knew I had done this, she would be really really hurt. I don’t want that to happen.
Updates if and when they occur.
And I suspect you'll be an amazing grandmother when the day comes, so congrats that the kids are inching closer to that goal!!!!
