Friendship advice

[Megange1]

I'm having an issue with my best friend over my DS surgery and I was wondering if anyone has any advice. We have been friends for years and I'm her Maid of Honor for her wedding next year. She battles weight issues as well and told me before surgery that she was honestly jealous and as unfair as it sounded, she was upset that I'd be getting skinny during her wedding year. Since my surgery my recovery has been hard and she's really been pulling away. When I asked her about it, she told me that she's having a lot of trouble feeling sorry for me during my recovery because I chose to do this. I feel like I'm losing my best friend and it's awful. I know she's trying, but her whole attitude is that I made the easy choice and this whole thing is going to be easy. I know it's not going to be fast or easy because this is my second surgery, and the weight doesn't magically come off. It is a hard and long journey and you do need support from your friends. Now I'm just sad because I feel like I can't be honest with my best friend when I'm having hard days, but I also want to be sensitive to her feelings. How did people handle friendships changing after surgery?

 

[Caitlunn]

@Megange1 I'm going to assume that since you're going to be her maid of honor, the two of you are pretty close. So it's time to give it to her straight. Honestly, it sounds like she's being a jerk. I would guess it's due to the jealousy factor--after all, she openly admitted to being jealous about your upcoming weight loss. Jealousy can be a very ugly thing!

I have an overly sensitive best friend. When problems arise, I find that it is best to tell her the truth, even if it means she may not be happy with me for a few days. Eventually, she comes around. And she has done the same thing to me! Friends make mistakes, friends take one another for granted, but it's up to YOU to advocate for yourself. Your DS has taught you that, I'm sure.

So I would suggest acknowledging that she might be feeling down, but letting her know that she is being hurtful. Stay away from yelling or cussing if at all possible--it's easy to say things you don't mean when you're emotional. But you need to get your truth out there, before it festers and gets even worse.

My last suggestion is, if you're having a rough day, reach out on here! Many of us, including myself, are just a message away.

 

[southernlady]

At least she was honest...many have no clue why their friends start pulling away.

Good suggestion to sit down and talk calmly about this but be honest that while she has a right to her feelings and opinion, you also have a right to yours.

 

[JackieOnLine]

you both are having major life changes, it's bound to stress your friendship.

it won't be the same for awhile but could well recover. meanwhile, I got internet hugs.

 

[Settledownnow]

Major life changes can stress (and test) a friendship. Keep your focus on your health and your needs. If your friendship involved food and eating, there may be even more stress and pressure as you try to avoid certain foods and food-related activities. You will need to advocate for yourself and watch for subtle signs of sabotage from yourself and your friend. I have a friend who pressures and tempts me to eat junk with her and I have to constantly assert myself, "I am not eating those things. I've had two weight loss surgeries and I'm not going to sabotage myself. Let's do something else"..... or "Please do not bring those foods to my house"...

 

[Munchkin]

Most of us probably lost a friend or 2 and a few lost their significant others. This almost always happens. Sometimes the relationships recover and sometimes they don't. People fear change and that's something you can't fix. And they are angry with themselves that you had the guts to change and they don't. Or maybe you have good insurance and they don't! And everyone is used to feeling safe because as long as you are around THEY will never be the fattest girl in the room. If you lose the weight that dubious honor will have to go to someone else. People take great solace in not being the fattest!

One of my best friends took great pride in telling everyone she was doing better than me just low carbing. And she was. But of course, she gained it all back. Today she wishes she had had surgery. You can fix you but you can't fix them. So work it like a boss and get down to a size 2! That's what I always wanted but I wasn't that lucky!

 

[Spiky Bugger]

...AND...what are chances that you are her BFF because of your obesity?
...AND...what are chances that you have been the heavier one? (There ARE people who have a fat-fatter friend so that they can think, "At least I'm not THAT heavy.")

Admittedly, we hopped into a plane, flew to Reno and got married...44 years ago...two weeks after we met. So my idea of weddings is admittedly skewed. And I'm older than f.

I have internet-encountered so damned many women, most with children, who think that their bs party day, aka wedding, was/would be the most important day of their life. I asked Mr Sue what the most important day of his life was and he CORRECTLY answered that it was the day our daughter was born. Which was also the most important day of my life. Had any other day been declared MORE important, I'd have decked him!

So, no offense, but I don't like your friend. She just sounds like one of those Bridezillas who go into huge debt, to stage a huge party, that they can't afford, and--probably because everyone is focused on the wedding but not the marriage--the bills aren't even paid off before the break up. (We knew it was a crap shoot, but we were in the army and, married, we got a HOUSE! Much better than barracks when your hormones are running amok.)


Okay this is already too long...but my bff of 50+ years died a couple of years ago. A year before she died, I "broke up" with her because she was insane (cancer had gone to her brain and she was HORRIBLY ABUSIVE.) I told her I'd rather reflect on fifty good years than start ruining everything in the time we had left. I said goodbye. Six months later, she wrote and told me she was dying (she was the last to accept that fact), she wanted to say goodbye and she still loved me. I immediately flew across country to spend time with her. Thing is, by then, EVERYONE ELSE had gone bonkers dealing with her outbursts and venom. How bonkers? Well...as soon as she moved into hospice, her husband emptied out her closet...I mean...she was still ALIVE...but no longer owned a shoe. Nothing.

Anyway, if this is how she is acting now, and if she is going to go ballistic every time you need your Maid of Honor dress altered because you keep losing weight,and if you just let her back away...maybe by the big day, you'll be the only one who can put up with her.

Meanwhile, you may need support from another source.

 

[k9ophile]

Spiky, you actually made me LOL. There are so many things in your life that parallel mine. Another post, another time, yet I was relieved to see that someone else was thinking Bridezilla.

This woman may or not be Bridezilla. There's much that is unknown. However, if it is a true friendship it will survive difficult times. I once had a friend who told me if anyone doesn't answer her letters immediately, she no longer considers them to be a friend. That was 43 years ago, I'm horrible at returning letters within a week, and we're still BFFs.

 

[Munchkin]

Spiky, you actually made me LOL. There are so many things in your life that parallel mine. Another post, another time, yet I was relieved to see that someone else was thinking Bridezilla.

This woman may or not be Bridezilla. There's much that is unknown. However, if it is a true friendship it will survive difficult times. I once had a friend who told me if anyone doesn't answer her letters immediately, she no longer considers them to be a friend. That was 43 years ago, I'm horrible at returning letters within a week, and we're still BFFs.

Letters? I don't think I have gotten a letter in decades. The last one I got was probably written on a clay tablet.

 

[k9ophile]

@Munchkin Get your self a fine fountain pen, some luxury*, and discover the joys of writing. You may not get a written response from the recipient of your letter, yet you will have the joy of connecting pen and paper.

*My luxury paper is more than 3-hole punched paper, but not quite something that costs the average house payment.

 

[hilary1617]

Friends are supportive and are willing to sacrifice when it counts. Others are acquaintances.

If she really is a tried-and-true friend, but having a temporary selfish and super-judgmental lapse due to wedding stress, I'd recommend letting her know how you feel. If she realizes she is hurting you, she should rise to the occasion.

If she's never really been the dependable sort, but rather just convenient and decent company, maybe you could lower your investment in the relationship a bit to free up time to build new friendships at a deeper level.

You deserve great friendships.

 

[juliebird4828]

I am very new as a post op but am working through things with my sister that is my best friend. She even told me before my surgery (when she was avoiding me) that she just kept thinking "what about me". Bu the thing is, she is "ok" with mediocre, she is ok with her life being what it is and I was not. I knew how it felt to be a much lower BMI and to be healthier. She has always been overweight too- but never as much as me. So technically- she will now be the "heavy" sister- a title that was most often mine. I will never give up on her and we will sort things out- but there is definitely jealousy going on and I definitely can't talk to her about my crappy days. I have a good friend that had RNY that I share that with. Good luck with things, I hope it works out for you.

 

[Duckman]

Getting WLS was great. It allowed me to eject some people from my life that I mistook as friends.

 

[galaxygrrl]

Well, I think weight is one of the most complicated issues to deal with emotionally. And she has her issues and you have hers. I'm sure she loves you and wants the best for you, but I think wieght is such a hard issue and even harder with a wedding day coming. It will bring up complicated emotions that will take a while to process for both of you.

But the head trip is hers, not yours and you now have less in common and you have a new world ahead of you. Understand it's her head trip and not yours.

You made a choice to take control of your weight loss and you should be happy about it.

I think you have to talk to her and then let this run it's course and see how it turns out and know it's not you

 

[Megange1]

@Megange1 I'm going to assume that since you're going to be her maid of honor, the two of you are pretty close. So it's time to give it to her straight. Honestly, it sounds like she's being a jerk. I would guess it's due to the jealousy factor--after all, she openly admitted to being jealous about your upcoming weight loss. Jealousy can be a very ugly thing!

I have an overly sensitive best friend. When problems arise, I find that it is best to tell her the truth, even if it means she may not be happy with me for a few days. Eventually, she comes around. And she has done the same thing to me! Friends make mistakes, friends take one another for granted, but it's up to YOU to advocate for yourself. Your DS has taught you that, I'm sure.

So I would suggest acknowledging that she might be feeling down, but letting her know that she is being hurtful. Stay away from yelling or cussing if at all possible--it's easy to say things you don't mean when you're emotional. But you need to get your truth out there, before it festers and gets even worse.

My last suggestion is, if you're having a rough day, reach out on here! Many of us, including myself, are just a message away.

Thank you so much! Sometimes there are days I feel so alone in this and very sad, so this is nice to hear.