Friendship advice

This is all such good advice, and I realize I do need a different support system. It's really hard right now because every year we come up to my cabin for a girls week and this year it's just us two. I'm only 4 weeks preop and I'm still really struggling, but I feel I can't say anything to her about it without a response like, "ya well it might hurt now, but you chose it." Or "You'll be skinny soon enough, so what does this part matter if you're sick." She's even judging what I'm eating. She said last night, "what kind of diet is setting you up for success if all you eat is protein. I haven't seen you make any good choices and eat vegetables." I tried to explain how it works and she said she thinks it's just teaching me to be anorexic. I'd defend myself more, but we are literally stuck alone in the woods in the cabin. The other worst part, is that I've reached the emo stage and I can't stop crying for no reasons. Plus, I can't keep up with her. I need naps and I can't drink wine or go to our favorite restaurants. All I want to do is sleep. I just feel like I'm letting her down and I'm feeling depressed and doubting my decision :(
 
You made an excellent decision in getting the surgery. You need to ignore her unhelpful, judgy mc judgerson ass. There's no law of physics that says you have to stay the entire week - tell her you changed your mind and you're going elsewhere, even if elsewhere is home. You need support and you aren't getting it.
 
You've already had so much great advice! I didn't chime in right away because I wasn't sure what to say, but I'll take my best shot at it.
Relationships last or fail for different reasons. It depends on what forms the foundation of the relationship. If the relationship, be it friendship, marriage, whatever, has a solid foundation, it can withstand changes. If the foundation isn't solid, when you shake it up, it crumbles.
It's starting to sound like at least part of the foundation of this friendship was that you had your weight in common. You've shaken that foundation, at least from her point of view, by doing something that is going to drastically alter your weight - in a good way! You had your surgery for all the right reasons, meaning your health and quality of life. She hasn't chosen to do this, and that is her choice and I respect her right to make a choice different from your choice. But she needs to respect YOUR right and YOUR decision to take control of your health. And she isn't doing that.
It's very possible that you will lose this friendship. That's sad, but it tells you something about this person and about what formed the friendship to start with. In the meantime, I am inclined to agree with @Duckman 's tough love approach, that you are not obligated to listen to her judgement, much less accept it, and you are not obligated to spend your time with her.
 
The other worst part, is that I've reached the emo stage and I can't stop crying for no reasons. Plus, I can't keep up with her. I need naps and I can't drink wine or go to our favorite restaurants. All I want to do is sleep. I just feel like I'm letting her down and I'm feeling depressed and doubting my decision

ya, you can't go - too bad but you need support at this point. but I find it in me to feel sorry for her, she is scared because she knows the relationship is on the rocks. so SHE is having change but it's all loss for her: her eating/wine buddy is gone.

but a year from now you might both feel different. you might just need a break and re-make the friendship later - different, but maybe better. it could happen.

taking care of yourself now is your priority. !!!

ETA: oh, sorry, I didn't realize you are already there. - can you let her read this thread? say, hey - this is where I'm coming from? you need to REST and recover, not have stress. :-(
 
Thank you so much! Sometimes there are days I feel so alone in this and very sad, so this is nice to hear.
Aren't you glad you can come here and vent? We're glad you're here and help you. All of us who have had WLS have suffered problems similar to our sisters and brothers in this little club. Too many see WLS as akin to plastic surgery to improve just our looks. Sheesh! As Duckman said, this allows us to see other sides of people.

I told my sister about my surgery. Months later, DH and I went to her house for a meal. She had researched to see what foods I could eat and made sure there were options that were high protein/low carb as well as the usual buffet fare. Before surgery my S-I-L was commenting on a TV show about WLS and she said the people who got WLS were ridiculous and other mocking things. She was left out of my plans. When she found out, she was supportive. Nice, yet if she still mocked WLS people, those comments would have been ignored. (I should mention that I live 400 miles from them so it was easier than seeing them every day.)
 
Here you are stuck at the cabin with a witch in sheep's clothing. When she pisses you off, go for a walk till you are tired enough to not be angry anymore. Use your anger for motivation! Doesn't matter if it's even just a stroll around the cabin. Movement is movement.

You don't have to play her game. Your best revenge is right around the corner. You will be thin and she will not!
 
Is your friend a reason, a season, or a lifetime?

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed or just felt. They have come to assist you through a hard time, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. Then, suddenly, the person disappears from your life. Your need has been met; their work is done.


Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share or grow or give back. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They give you great joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.


Lifetime relationships teach you lifetime lessons—things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all your other relationships.


Think about the people in your life over the years. Whether they were there for a reason, a season or a lifetime, accept them and treasure them for however long they were meant to be part of your life.


And when they are gone, be thankful for the gifts you received from them when they were here—for a reason, a season or a lifetime.


I've had friends that fit all groups.
 
To her credit, at least she told you she is feeling jealous about the weight. Beyond that, she gets no credit for acting like she is your best friend because, presently, she is just acting like a jerk. I'm going with what @Duckman said and co-opting his use of "Judgy McJudgerson ass." You need people in your life who are going to love and accept you for where you are in your life at whatever point they find you there. In terms of "best friends" that should me that she supports you in all the ways, forever, without becoming a Judgy McJudgerson ass. I love what @southernlady wrote above. You're healing and vulnerable right now, but as soon as you're feeling a bit stronger, you should re-think exactly how much shit you're willing to accept or take in the name of friendship. She is making your WLS decision about her and that's incredibly selfish. Ask her if she wants a friend or a doormat and make it clear that you're not a freaking doormat.
 
I think the other thing to remember here

(1) sometimes relationships have natural ends.

(2) This is a really hard issue. But you need to take care of you and protect yourself. I remember after I got WLS I was at Dr. Rabkin's group and a woman was there who has the DS eight years ago and she said her husband (at the time of her WLS) could not deal with her WLS and they spilt.

Just know, you need to say to your friend, you did this and it's who you are now and she needs to deal with it and choose to get over whatever feelings she has and be happy for you or move on.
 
This is all such great advice. Today was a little better. I actively did not talk about weight loss stuff, but was very clear on the things I needed to do to support my recovery. She actually ended up going to the store and buying really healthy food for the week, so I'm hoping in some ways this might inspire her too. I do think it might have come from a slightly competitive place, but honestly I just want her happy, so if that inspires her to get healthier, I'm happy for her. Today we stayed in safer topic zones and it was actually nice to just be with her. We read, swam in the lake, planned her wedding etc. I know WLS can change so much in relationship. My first weight loss surgery 10 years ago had a part in my divorce. There were many other issues, but it definitely brought many of them to light. Luckily, I'm remarried to a very supportive man who did his research beforehand and knows the challenges we might face and has been very supportive. Overall, I'm feeling better today. I kind of feel sad for her because she struggles with so many of the exact same weight issues I have for years, that I wish she would consider WLS. I know everyone has to come to it in their own way and it is not for everyone. I just see how miserable she is and how hard she tries to lose weight. This weight stuff is so hard and complicated.

On a lighter note, I told my brother that I was really emotional since surgery because fat cells store hormones and release them as you are losing weight, and he was like, "Geez, you really can't catch a break! You don't even get to be happy while losing the weight. It must be that those fat cells are just so sad to be leaving you, that they are crying on their way out." For whatever reason it made me giggle and see my crazy emotions in a different light. In a way, I'm having to say goodbye to parts of me I've been close with for a long time. So my emo bursts are just us saying goodbye ;)
 
Today we stayed in safer topic zones and it was actually nice to just be with her. We read, swam in the lake, planned her wedding etc.

beautiful! :summerishere:

there is tons of good advice in this thread, I just want to add that TIME will make everything different. give - and keep giving - yourself more time. at least a year, seriously.
 
Reading through these, you got great advice...except maybe mine. But I once had a shrink tell me that around age 50 (and that was two decades ago for me) many of us start metaphorically yanking cards out of our Friends and Acquaintances Rolodex, and getting rid of the names of people who don't contribute in a positive way to our own existence.

I have a lot of "situational former friends," (or "acquaintances," as @hilary1617 would correctly define them)...people who were good company and with whom we shared parenting tasks/neighborhood tasks/that kind of thing, at a certain stage in my life, but our relationship was built primarily on proximity.

However, we moved a lot, and at that point the relationship needed to depend more on things like shared values, which we mostly didn't have. IOW, we were great at forming carpools to get the kids to swim workout and making sure that at least one of the four closely situated moms would be home when the school bus dropped the kids off. BUT, when one of those moms decided to run for school board, I didn't vote for her and I contributed to an opponent. Because...religion. Once we moved--and the mom I didn't vote for and her husband helped us!--there were no carpools, no school busses, just differences. So I just made myself diffcult to keep in touch with.

This woman may be a forever friend. She may be situational. Time will tell.
 
Well, the one thing I can say for sure, is you will totally catch a break when you get close to your goal. It's amazing, wonderful and a mircle. Really, I think the term mircle is about right. Who the heck would think I would have solved this life long probem. I'm still in shock every day.

You will feel this way too.
 
This is all such great advice. Today was a little better. I actively did not talk about weight loss stuff, but was very clear on the things I needed to do to support my recovery.

I think this is a great approach. I do not talk about my weight loss, the number on the scale, the size of my new clothing, etc., with friends and in particular those who struggle with weight/obesity. If someone asks, I will may share a little information, but otherwise, I only share here or with those who have had WLS. Focusing on your recovery and what you need to do to be healthy and have a happy life is most important.
 

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