Throwing in the towel

[Charris]

Well I have set the wheels in motion to never return to work. My short term has been approved until 9/12/19. Then I'm going to go to long term. Once I go on long term they automatically apply for social security disability for me. So if I get approved then I dont have to worry about medical insurance.

It's time you dont have to put me on life support more than once for me to understand I need to enjoy whatever time I have left be it 1 day or 40 years.

Any thoughts?

 

[Munchkin]

It was always my goal to retire before I was all used up. And I did.

I completely understand how your experience would change the way you feel and force you to have a new perspective on life and what you want to do with the time you have left. I would probably feel the same way. No one knows how much time they have left. It could be 40 years or I could go out to check the mail tomorrow and be struck by lightning. I think you should do what feels right to you. You spent a lot of years caring for others and doing for others. Now I think you should only do what YOU want to do!!!

 

[Settledownnow]

You have been through a lot. I do not know your health situation. Is your health status correctable? I know they do not approve long-term disability for any situation that can be corrected with treatment though.

 

[Settledownnow]

I wanted to add that I am concerned about you emotionally. You are talking about "throwing in the towel" and "the time I have left". Ask your doctor for a referral for a clinical social worker or someone trained in stress-related trauma. PTSD and stress-related trauma are very real for someone who has been in and out of the hospital and rehab like you have been (auto accident, broken bones, various procedures, etc).

After I spent a month in the hospital my PCP made me see a clinical social worker. I was very traumatized by the hospital experience. I did not think I needed counseling but as soon as I started talking about it I could not stop crying (big time ugly crying) and talking about it and processing everything really helped. The hospital and rehab stuff is all very traumatizing and you need some time to heal emotionally too.

 

[hilary1617]

C- I get it. If they will approve LTD, I say go for it. If anyone deserves a long vacation, early retirement, break, etc. it is you. I think time for C and time to relax with the littles is definitely in order. I want to see fabulous pictures from a beach vacay!!! That said - never forget how are strong, kind, beautiful and resilient you are. You've got this.

 

[JackieOnLine]

I was all for it and then I read this

The hospital and rehab stuff is all very traumatizing

well, that has to be true for a fact.

keep posting and I will support you whatever you decide. but if you can retire, I think it could be a good thing.

and, none of us know how much time we have left!

 

[Settledownnow]

I was all for it and then I read this


well, that has to be true for a fact.

I should also say you've had multiple near-death experiences, Ms. 9+ lives!

 

[Webmommy]

I think you should do what you feel is best. It was hard for me to accept that my career was over and that I was never going to go back to work because of situation with my back and pain. Also I second the counseling idea. I spent time in the ICU on life support and I was awake on a ventilator with my hands tied to the rails. It was very traumatic and I would have these memories and dreams that were tormenting. I was grateful to be alive initially but after the PTSD started I wasn't grateful anymore. I spent years on antidepressants and counseling until I wanted to live. Now I am happy to be alive once again and I focus on me having quality of life. I seek things that make me happy. So if retiring early makes you happy go for it!

 

[southernlady]

Do what is best for you. I will say this, from personal experience, LTD will push for you to go on SSDI as soon as you can. LTD does not guarantee insurance thru your company (unless it’s COBRA) and until you are 65 or on SSDI for 2 years, Medicare won’t pick up.

 

[k9ophile]

Oh, good lord. My reading comprehension needs work. At first, I read that you were fixing to go back to work. Of course, my initial reaction was : Is she insane? Then I read the rest. Go for it. You're right to want to live the next day or forty years with as much joy as you can. I retired at 63, and it some ways it was medical. I was going to snap and kill an obnoxious member of management. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to plea insanity. So it was retire or "20 to life" with the possibility of parole.

My limited dealing with people trying to get disability does not leave me encouraged. I hope you're not what I usually saw and get approved without months and years of appeals and bullshxt. I also hope you have tons of emotional support as Settledownnow has made some excellent observations.

 

[Charris]

I think you should do what you feel is best. It was hard for me to accept that my career was over and that I was never going to go back to work because of situation with my back and pain. Also I second the counseling idea. I spent time in the ICU on life support and I was awake on a ventilator with my hands tied to the rails. It was very traumatic and I would have these memories and dreams that were tormenting. I was grateful to be alive initially but after the PTSD started I wasn't grateful anymore. I spent years on antidepressants and counseling until I wanted to live. Now I am happy to be alive once again and I focus on me having quality of life. I seek things that make me happy. So if retiring early makes you happy go for it!

Wow someone who understands. I woke up the same way on the vent. Strapped down on the ventilator.. before I realized I was so sick i was so scared I asked my daughter to just stand by the bed and hold my hand. I was so afraid to be alone for fear I was going to die. And that's exactly what happened when she and everyone left 13 minutes later I became non responsive and I stopped breathing and my daughter got a call saying shes gonna die if we dont intubate and put her on life support. Honestly I think that's why I dont sleep for days at a time now. Every time I think about it I cry.

 

[Settledownnow]

Wow someone who understands. I woke up the same way on the vent. Strapped down on the ventilator.. before I realized I was so sick i was so scared I asked my daughter to just stand by the bed and hold my hand. I was so afraid to be alone for fear I was going to die. And that's exactly what happened when she and everyone left 13 minutes later I became non responsive and I stopped breathing and my daughter got a call saying shes gonna die if we dont intubate and put her on life support. Honestly I think that's why I dont sleep for days at a time now. Every time I think about it I cry.

There is a lot of research on the topic of trauma PTSD and hospitalizations and near-death experiences. It isn't you Charris -- it is a real thing! My friend went AWOL recently. Later I found out she went into the hospital for a routine surgery and had a near-death experience (flight lifted, everyone was preparing for her death, etc.). When I found out, I asked her if she was okay and she started crying and shared the trauma. I know you are very strong and resilient but like Webmommy said once you make it through alive you begin to experience the emotional aftermath. Not only do we want you alive Charris we want you happy and living a good life!!

 

[JackieOnLine]

amen, what Settledownnow said.

 

[Webmommy]

Wow someone who understands. I woke up the same way on the vent. Strapped down on the ventilator.. before I realized I was so sick i was so scared I asked my daughter to just stand by the bed and hold my hand. I was so afraid to be alone for fear I was going to die. And that's exactly what happened when she and everyone left 13 minutes later I became non responsive and I stopped breathing and my daughter got a call saying shes gonna die if we dont intubate and put her on life support. Honestly I think that's why I dont sleep for days at a time now. Every time I think about it I cry.

My experience was really awful. I couldn't go to sleep easily after that either because what if I didn't wake up? In the ICU I would choke on my secretions and couldn't breathe but the alarm wouldn't go off until my ox sats decreased and then they would wait to see if I could recover on my own. Then they would finally suction me and by that point I hadn't breathed in a minute or two. It seems like forever. It happened over and over again and it broke me. Not exaggerating either. The feeling of vulnerability because you're restrained and they can do whatever they want is traumatic too. So I understand you crying and you should let your tears flow because you are human and you can only take so much. I didn't ask for help and thought I was being strong until I was so depressed that I wanted to die so bad. It's hard to pull yourself back up from that abyss of lusting for death. So don't be like me. Get help right away. Virtual hugs to you.

 

[k9ophile]

I wasn't liking webmommy's facts about her experience when I clicked the "like" button. I am admiring her brutal honesty and her courage to share what she went through. Virtual hug to you, too.